Custody before a Court Order

K

kmariec1105

New Member
Jurisdiction
Missouri
My son's father and I recently split up. I left him due to his issues with alcohol. We were never married, but we have lived together for about two and a half years.

Brief history of issues: The issues with alcohol are longstanding (predate me meeting him), but I didn't realize how bad they were until I was about 8 weeks pregnant, and he went to rehab for what I found out was the second time. He was sober for about a week after rehab then started drinking heavily again. He went to rehab again a month later after physically abusing me for the first time. I was 13 weeks pregnant. After this rehab stay he was sober for 6 months until our son was born. He took a week off of work as a parental leave, but spent the first 9 days of our son's life so drunk he couldn't even hold him. After I gave an ultimatum of "get sober or you will never see your son again" he was sober for another 6 months. Then he started what he called social drinking experiments. These continued off and on for approximately a year - periods of being sober followed by heavy drinking for 1-2 days. In January of 2023 he began drinking regularly again. In March of 2023 he got belligerently drunk at a work event (for my job) and nearly cost me my career. I told him I was leaving him the next day.

For the past two weeks we've lived together and discussed child custody. He was sober and assured me he would continue to be for our son and because he doesn't like who he is when he's drunk. We set a custody schedule and made a parenting plan which clearly stated he would absolutely not consume any alcohol during his scheduled time or 12 hours prior. He agreed to these terms. Even though we were still living together we decided to start following our custody schedule on March 27th for daycare drop offs/pick ups, who was the primary parent while at home, etc. My ex's designated time the past weekend was from Friday at 4pm through Monday at 7am so I made plans with friends for Friday evening. I left Friday evening around 9pm and returned Saturday morning around 9am. Saturday afternoon and evening I planned to visit my parent's approximately two hours away. He asked if I could bring our son so he could go to work for extra money. I agreed to bring our son but told him I had plans to stay elsewhere that night upon our return. My son and I returned Saturday night at 10pm. I could instantly smell the alcohol on him. He was stumbling and very visibly drunk. He kept trying to touch me even after I made it clear I wanted nothing to do with him. After he passed out, I went out to the garage and found dozens of empty cans and bottles that weren't there earlier in the week. I got curious and checked our cameras and saw that he didn't get home until about 10 minutes before we did even though work ended at 8pm for him. I decided to check the cameras for Friday night and found footage of him getting deliveries of alcohol and later in the evening, urinating in the middle of our yard. I'm sick to my stomach that I left my son here alone when my ex ended up like this, and I'm angry that he broke our agreement during the first weekend of it being in place. He wasn't violent Friday or Saturday night, but he was extremely neglectful and I know first hand just how quickly he can change from drunk to violently drunk.

I'm in the process of finding a family lawyer as I've realized we can no longer come to an agreement outside of court. He doesn't know I'm searching for one as I'm scared he's going to turn violent towards me if he finds out before I live elsewhere. However, some of my questions require an immediate answer if possible. I move into my own place on Tuesday. I am fearful for my son's safety and general wellbeing when left alone with his father. I truly don't want to keep my son from him but I want my son to be safe more. I also don't want to do anything that can be negatively used against me in court. As of right now, my son is scheduled to be with his father Tuesday through Thursday and with me Friday through Sunday this coming week. I've read a little bit about protective gatekeeping. Would that apply in this situation? Do I have any legal way to keep my son away from his father until a court ordered custody system is in place?

Thank you.
 
It isn't wise to allow a habitual drunk to care for kittens, much less human children.

I suggest you retain counsel ASAP, otherwise your child will be in a very precarious position if alone with an alcoholic.

I suggest you contact your state's child services agency to ensure you don't get charged with a crime if the child is harmed while in the presence of the angry drunkard.

How to Help an Alcoholic Father

How Can I Prove or Disprove Alcohol Abuse in Child Custody Cases?

Trauma Symptoms of Adult Children of Alcoholics

Welcome - Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families


How is paternity established?
To establish paternity, either biological parent may file a petition to establish paternity in state court. A petition may also be filed by the Missouri Family Support Division on behalf of the custodial parent. After the petition has been filed, the other parent will be served with the paperwork and must file an answer within 30 days. Fathers must establish that they are the biological father of a minor child in order to be granted paternity rights. This can either be done by agreement between the biological parents of the child or through DNA testing or other evidence.

The simplest way to establish that a father is the biological father of a minor child is for both parties to sign an acknowledgment of paternity form and file it with the court. An acknowledgment of paternity form is often signed at the hospital where a child is born. Even if a father's name does not appear on a child's birth certificate and an acknowledgment form was not signed at the time of the child's birth, an acknowledgment of paternity form can be signed by both parties at any time.

If there is any question as to whether a father is the biological father, either party in the litigation can request DNA testing through a blood test. While there are many private labs that offer DNA testing to determine paternity, tests from private labs will not always be accepted as evidence in court. If a DNA test is requested, it is important to ensure that the test is conducted at a facility that has been approved by the court. Refusing to submit to a blood test may result in penalties being issued by the court and can even result in a default judgment being entered against a father.

An order for DNA testing may also state which party in the case is responsible for paying for the expenses of the test. If a father who requests a DNA test is indigent and unable to afford the costs of DNA blood testing, he may request that the costs of a blood test be waived and paid by the state.

In cases where paternity is contested, a court may also consider other evidence, including expert opinions regarding the probability of paternity based on other medical testing, the duration of the mother's pregnancy, evidence of sexual intercourse between the mother and father during the possible time of conception of the child, and all other evidence relevant to determining the paternity of a child.

Visitation and Child Custody in Paternity Cases
In a paternity case, visitation and child custody will not be decided by a court until paternity has been established either through DNA testing or through an acknowledgment of paternity signed by both parents of the minor child. If both parents can agree on the acknowledgment of paternity and a parenting plan, they may submit an agreed order and parenting plan to the court for approval. Fathers who are not seeking primary custody of their child should expect to pay child support after paternity has been established. Judges have the discretion to approve, modify, or deny a proposed agreed order.

In cases where the parties cannot agree on a custody or visitation schedule, each parent may submit a parenting plan to the court. A hearing may be requested so that the court can determine which parent will have primary custody of the child. In every family law court, the "best interests of the child" are what a judge considers first when making any decisions regarding child custody and visitation. Each parent will have the opportunity to present testimony regarding his or her relationship with the child and other evidence such as witness statements, documents, and photographs that support their side of the case. Courts will consider many factors relevant to a child's best interests including the following.

The ability of each parent to provide for the child.
Each parent's housing situation and whether or not it is suitable for a child's age. Older children may need more room than very young children.
The location of each parent's home. When parents live far apart, joint custody may not be practical.
Which parent spends the most time caring for the child currently.
Whether either parent has prior criminal convictions.
Evidence of any current or past substance abuse.
Each parent's plan for raising the child, including each parent's plan for a child's education and religious upbringing.
Many fathers worry that courts are unfair to fathers and tend to award custody to mothers. Courts must always consider the best interests of a child first. Courts often will consider whether or not one parent is the primary caregiver when awarding primary custody to that parent. In many cases, it is a good idea to work together with the other parent to develop a parenting plan. Researchers have found that children do best when they spend as much time with each parent as possible. Joint custody works best when both parents can agree on a parenting plan, especially on major issues like scheduling and educating their children. A court is more likely to order joint custody when it is clear that parents will be able to work together to make it work.

If one parent has not had visitation with a child over a substantial period of time, a court may order a graduated visitation plan so that the child can become accustomed to spending time with that parent before attending an overnight visitation. For example, a parenting plan may order visitation for a few hours a week at first with a schedule that allows the parent increased visitation over time.

Paternity and Father's Rights in Missouri | The Joshua Wilson Law Firm


Establishing Paternity: What Unwed Fathers In Missouri Should Know
In order to pursue visitation, custody and other parental rights, unwed fathers must establish paternity through voluntary acknowledgment or court order.

When a married woman has a child in St. Louis, and throughout Missouri, it is generally assumed that her husband is the child's father. For unmarried couples, however, fatherhood is not presumed. As such, fathers who are not married to their children's mothers are not afforded the same parental rights as married fathers. By establishing paternity, unwed fathers can be involved in raising and supporting their children.

Why should unmarried fathers establish paternity?
Establishing paternity can be important for fathers and their children. It allows children the opportunity to develop a relationship with both of their parents, and helps them develop their sense of identity. Children may also be entitled to receive benefits, including medical, veterans and Social Security Disability, through their fathers and mothers once paternity is established, according to the Missouri Office of State Courts Administrator. Additionally, establishing paternity allows a child to inherit his or her father's estate.

Until unwed fathers establish paternity, they do not have the right to be involved in important decisions regarding their children. This includes those involving their children's education and health care. By establishing paternity, however, they are granted this right, as well as visitation rights and the ability to seek custody.

Establishing paternity: What unwed fathers in Missouri should know | Law Office of Amy L. Gervich |
 
kmariec1105 said:
My son's father and I recently split up. I left him due to his issues with alcohol. We were never married, but we have lived together for about two and a half years.

Brief history of issues: The issues with alcohol are longstanding (predate me meeting him), but I didn't realize how bad they were until I was about 8 weeks pregnant, and he went to rehab for what I found out was the second time. He was sober for about a week after rehab then started drinking heavily again. He went to rehab again a month later after physically abusing me for the first time. I was 13 weeks pregnant. After this rehab stay he was sober for 6 months until our son was born. He took a week off of work as a parental leave, but spent the first 9 days of our son's life so drunk he couldn't even hold him. After I gave an ultimatum of "get sober or you will never see your son again" he was sober for another 6 months. Then he started what he called social drinking experiments. These continued off and on for approximately a year - periods of being sober followed by heavy drinking for 1-2 days. In January of 2023 he began drinking regularly again. In March of 2023 he got belligerently drunk at a work event (for my job) and nearly cost me my career. I told him I was leaving him the next day.

For the past two weeks we've lived together and discussed child custody. He was sober and assured me he would continue to be for our son and because he doesn't like who he is when he's drunk. We set a custody schedule and made a parenting plan which clearly stated he would absolutely not consume any alcohol during his scheduled time or 12 hours prior. He agreed to these terms. Even though we were still living together we decided to start following our custody schedule on March 27th for daycare drop offs/pick ups, who was the primary parent while at home, etc. My ex's designated time the past weekend was from Friday at 4pm through Monday at 7am so I made plans with friends for Friday evening. I left Friday evening around 9pm and returned Saturday morning around 9am. Saturday afternoon and evening I planned to visit my parent's approximately two hours away. He asked if I could bring our son so he could go to work for extra money. I agreed to bring our son but told him I had plans to stay elsewhere that night upon our return. My son and I returned Saturday night at 10pm. I could instantly smell the alcohol on him. He was stumbling and very visibly drunk. He kept trying to touch me even after I made it clear I wanted nothing to do with him. After he passed out, I went out to the garage and found dozens of empty cans and bottles that weren't there earlier in the week. I got curious and checked our cameras and saw that he didn't get home until about 10 minutes before we did even though work ended at 8pm for him. I decided to check the cameras for Friday night and found footage of him getting deliveries of alcohol and later in the evening, urinating in the middle of our yard. I'm sick to my stomach that I left my son here alone when my ex ended up like this, and I'm angry that he broke our agreement during the first weekend of it being in place. He wasn't violent Friday or Saturday night, but he was extremely neglectful and I know first hand just how quickly he can change from drunk to violently drunk.

I'm in the process of finding a family lawyer as I've realized we can no longer come to an agreement outside of court. He doesn't know I'm searching for one as I'm scared he's going to turn violent towards me if he finds out before I live elsewhere. However, some of my questions require an immediate answer if possible. I move into my own place on Tuesday. I am fearful for my son's safety and general wellbeing when left alone with his father. I truly don't want to keep my son from him but I want my son to be safe more. I also don't want to do anything that can be negatively used against me in court. As of right now, my son is scheduled to be with his father Tuesday through Thursday and with me Friday through Sunday this coming week. I've read a little bit about protective gatekeeping. Would that apply in this situation? Do I have any legal way to keep my son away from his father until a court ordered custody system is in place?

Thank you.
Click to expand...

If there's no court ordered visitation you can choose what you want to do about visitation. Did he ever establish his paternity via your state's laws? If he did, he can file for custody and visitation. If not he has no rights to the child until he does.

If I was you, I wouldn't leave the child alone with him at all unless you get a court order that says he gets unsupervised visits. He can't really do anything about it until there is a court order.
 
kmariec1105 said:
My son's father and I recently split up. I left him due to his issues with alcohol. We were never married, but we have lived together for about two and a half years.

Brief history of issues: The issues with alcohol are longstanding (predate me meeting him), but I didn't realize how bad they were until I was about 8 weeks pregnant, and he went to rehab for what I found out was the second time. He was sober for about a week after rehab then started drinking heavily again. He went to rehab again a month later after physically abusing me for the first time. I was 13 weeks pregnant. After this rehab stay he was sober for 6 months until our son was born. He took a week off of work as a parental leave, but spent the first 9 days of our son's life so drunk he couldn't even hold him. After I gave an ultimatum of "get sober or you will never see your son again" he was sober for another 6 months. Then he started what he called social drinking experiments. These continued off and on for approximately a year - periods of being sober followed by heavy drinking for 1-2 days. In January of 2023 he began drinking regularly again. In March of 2023 he got belligerently drunk at a work event (for my job) and nearly cost me my career. I told him I was leaving him the next day.

For the past two weeks we've lived together and discussed child custody. He was sober and assured me he would continue to be for our son and because he doesn't like who he is when he's drunk. We set a custody schedule and made a parenting plan which clearly stated he would absolutely not consume any alcohol during his scheduled time or 12 hours prior. He agreed to these terms. Even though we were still living together we decided to start following our custody schedule on March 27th for daycare drop offs/pick ups, who was the primary parent while at home, etc. My ex's designated time the past weekend was from Friday at 4pm through Monday at 7am so I made plans with friends for Friday evening. I left Friday evening around 9pm and returned Saturday morning around 9am. Saturday afternoon and evening I planned to visit my parent's approximately two hours away. He asked if I could bring our son so he could go to work for extra money. I agreed to bring our son but told him I had plans to stay elsewhere that night upon our return. My son and I returned Saturday night at 10pm. I could instantly smell the alcohol on him. He was stumbling and very visibly drunk. He kept trying to touch me even after I made it clear I wanted nothing to do with him. After he passed out, I went out to the garage and found dozens of empty cans and bottles that weren't there earlier in the week. I got curious and checked our cameras and saw that he didn't get home until about 10 minutes before we did even though work ended at 8pm for him. I decided to check the cameras for Friday night and found footage of him getting deliveries of alcohol and later in the evening, urinating in the middle of our yard. I'm sick to my stomach that I left my son here alone when my ex ended up like this, and I'm angry that he broke our agreement during the first weekend of it being in place. He wasn't violent Friday or Saturday night, but he was extremely neglectful and I know first hand just how quickly he can change from drunk to violently drunk.

I'm in the process of finding a family lawyer as I've realized we can no longer come to an agreement outside of court as Los Angeles Court Ordered Rehab. He doesn't know I'm searching for one as I'm scared he's going to turn violent towards me if he finds out before I live elsewhere. However, some of my questions require an immediate answer if possible. I move into my own place on Tuesday. I am fearful for my son's safety and general wellbeing when left alone with his father. I truly don't want to keep my son from him but I want my son to be safe more. I also don't want to do anything that can be negatively used against me in court. As of right now, my son is scheduled to be with his father Tuesday through Thursday and with me Friday through Sunday this coming week. I've read a little bit about protective gatekeeping. Would that apply in this situation? Do I have any legal way to keep my son away from his father until a court ordered custody system is in place?

Thank you.
Click to expand...
So, what was the outcome? It seems one year is passed.

P.S: the purpose is to get knowledge as one of our family member is also facing the same.
 

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