Takes a man to be a DAD

[GirlInAWhirl]

1. What constitutes abandonment in RI? Can someone give me specific details or point me in the right direction?

2. I spoke with a lawyer and was told without a marriage adoption is impossible - is this true regardless of how long the relationship is, shared property/bank accounts, etc? Is this true of all states?

I was engaged several years ago, and became pregnant. My ex cheated on me and I left him 5 months pregnant. (And footed the bill for a wedding that didn't happen, but that's besides the point) He has seen the baby once, when he was 3 weeks old. He does pay court ordered child support.

I have been in a relationship just over 3 years with a man who has been in my son's life since day one. This is his Dad. How do we make this legal?

 

[BayState]

1. What constitutes abandonment in RI? Can someone give me specific details or point me in the right direction?

2. I spoke with a lawyer and was told without a marriage adoption is impossible - is this true regardless of how long the relationship is, shared property/bank accounts, etc? Is this true of all states?

I was engaged several years ago, and became pregnant. My ex cheated on me and I left him 5 months pregnant. (And footed the bill for a wedding that didn't happen, but that's besides the point) He has seen the baby once, when he was 3 weeks old. He does pay court ordered child support.

I have been in a relationship just over 3 years with a man who has been in my son's life since day one. This is his Dad. How do we make this legal?

Get married, wait at LEAST a year. Ask the father if he would VTPR. If he is agreeable hire an adoption attorney to facilitate the step-parent adoption.

 

[lonelyinny]

your bf is not your son's dad

1. What constitutes abandonment in RI? Can someone give me specific details or point me in the right direction?

2. I spoke with a lawyer and was told without a marriage adoption is impossible - is this true regardless of how long the relationship is, shared property/bank accounts, etc? Is this true of all states?

I was engaged several years ago, and became pregnant. My ex cheated on me and I left him 5 months pregnant. (And footed the bill for a wedding that didn't happen, but that's besides the point) He has seen the baby once, when he was 3 weeks old. He does pay court ordered child support.

I have been in a relationship just over 3 years with a man who has been in my son's life since day one. This is his Dad. How do we make this legal?

since he is paying child support, its considered contact, so you cant claim abandonment. your current bf is a legal stranger to your son, not dad. no matter what he does for the child or how much he loves him, he has no legal rights to him at all. if something were to happen to you, your son goes to his dad( not your bf). and i hope for your sake your son is not calling your bf dad, it can cause you a lot of problems if dad objects, such as losing custody. its called parental alienation, and its not something a judge will be happy with you for.

 

[GirlInAWhirl]

VTPR is....voluntarily terminate parental rights?

Can you tell me what abandonment is legally? I can't figure it out but I see posts with people talking about terminating rights based on abandonment.

Thank you.

 

[lonelyinny]

abandonment

VTPR is....voluntarily terminate parental rights?

Can you tell me what abandonment is legally? I can't figure it out but I see posts with people talking about terminating rights based on abandonment.

Thank you.

abandoment is no contact at all for 6 months to a year i believe-no phone calls paying child support, letters etc. since he is paying child support, he hasnt abandoned your son, and in order for your husband to adopt, youll need dad's permission.

 

[GirlInAWhirl]

since he is paying child support, its considered contact, so you cant claim abandonment. your current bf is a legal stranger to your son, not dad. no matter what he does for the child or how much he loves him, he has no legal rights to him at all. if something were to happen to you, your son goes to his dad( not your bf). and i hope for your sake your son is not calling your bf dad, it can cause you a lot of problems if dad objects, such as losing custody. its called parental alienation, and its not something a judge will be happy with you for.

No offense but that's just not true. Legally, yes, he is a stranger and I'm trying to find out how to fix that. The biological parent has seen him once - my son is 3. This is his choice, not mine. He could have been involved if he wanted to. And yes, my bf is his Dad. Dad is a term of endearment to the man who raises you. Judges are human beings. It's not parental alienation. I'm pretty sure that doesn't even hold any weight in court, that it is not legally or medically recognized. I have discussed this with a lawyer. I'm verifying what I already have been told and seeking additional advice because I was reading through the forums and have seen the term abandonment and was curious about what that is.

Thanks for the reply anyway, though.

 

[GirlInAWhirl]

BayState

I forgot to add something...the biological father has said he would terminate his rights but my concern is that everyone says a lot of things until it's time to get it done.

Say we get married next month. A year from now, the biological father refuses to terminate rights. Can I fight that? The child support is court ordered (comes out of his paycheck), so it gets paid whether I want it or not.

Say we don't get married right away. I die next month. My will states that if Steven (bf) is unable to obtain custody (I also have a hefty life inurance policy specifically to pay lawyer's fees) I want my father to raise my children. Would my son really go to his biological father?

Thanks for your time. I know I'm asking a lot of questions, tell me to go screw if you want I just figured it was worth a shot.

 

[lonelyinny]

none

I forgot to add something...the biological father has said he would terminate his rights but my concern is that everyone says a lot of things until it's time to get it done.

Say we get married next month. A year from now, the biological father refuses to terminate rights. Can I fight that? The child support is court ordered (comes out of his paycheck), so it gets paid whether I want it or not.

Say we don't get married right away. I die next month. My will states that if Steven (bf) is unable to obtain custody (I also have a hefty life inurance policy specifically to pay lawyer's fees) I want my father to raise my children. Would my son really go to his biological father?

Thanks for your time. I know I'm asking a lot of questions, tell me to go screw if you want I just figured it was worth a shot.

if dad wont agree to let your husband adopt, then its not going to happen.dad's rights are superior to everyone else's, he is first in line for custody should something happen to you. children are not property and cannot be willed. and as i said before your bf has no rights to your son.

 

[Gail_in_Georgia]

This is a legal site.

Your boyfriend is NOT your sons dad. Legally he has a father and until his rights are terminated by the court he will remain his father. Some judges become quite upset when the child has been told that the boyfriend is "dad". It would be a good idea not to bring this idea up should you end up in court.

Children are not property and thus you cannot "will" them to anyone. If you were to pass away tomorrow the legal father would have custodial rights to his son.

Gail

 

[irish223]

I know it's addressed to Bay, but I don't think she'll mind...

I forgot to add something...the biological father has said he would terminate his rights but my concern is that everyone says a lot of things until it's time to get it done.

Say we get married next month. A year from now, the biological father refuses to terminate rights. Can I fight that? The child support is court ordered (comes out of his paycheck), so it gets paid whether I want it or not.

Yes, you can fight that. It's an uphill battle with no guarantee that you'll win, but you can sure try.

Say we don't get married right away. I die next month. My will states that if Steven (bf) is unable to obtain custody (I also have a hefty life inurance policy specifically to pay lawyer's fees) I want my father to raise my children. Would my son really go to his biological father?

While it's true that you can't decide custody in a will, your father can file for custody if you pass, provided that he has established a relationship with your son. The father would have to be notified, and would have the opportunity to object. I hope your father is the beneficiary of your life insurance.

Thanks for your time. I know I'm asking a lot of questions, tell me to go screw if you want I just figured it was worth a shot.

We don't mind questions.


ETA: Just want to add that judges do frown on children calling someone Dad when he isn't legally Dad. However, since your child has no relationship with his father, I don't think there's any way in the world that ANYONE can claim parental alienation, nor does there seem to be anyone to object.

 

[GirlInAWhirl]

This is a legal site.

Your boyfriend is NOT your sons dad. Legally he has a father and until his rights are terminated by the court he will remain his father. Some judges become quite upset when the child has been told that the boyfriend is "dad". It would be a good idea not to bring this idea up should you end up in court.

Children are not property and thus you cannot "will" them to anyone. If you were to pass away tomorrow the legal father would have custodial rights to his son.

Gail

LOL. You should read things in their entirety before posting. Is this a legal site? Gee I thought it was a magical wish making site where I would hear everything I wanted to. Too bad. Try, try again I guess.

 

[GirlInAWhirl]

I know it's addressed to Bay, but I don't think she'll mind...



Yes, you can fight that. It's an uphill battle with no guarantee that you'll win, but you can sure try.



While it's true that you can't decide custody in a will, your father can file for custody if you pass, provided that he has established a relationship with your son. The father would have to be notified, and would have the opportunity to object. I hope your father is the beneficiary of your life insurance.



We don't mind questions.


ETA: Just want to add that judges do frown on children calling someone Dad when he isn't legally Dad. However, since your child has no relationship with his father, I don't think there's any way in the world that ANYONE can claim parental alienation, nor does there seem to be anyone to object.

Thanks. I actually just retained a lawyer who said basically exactly what you did except he seems to think there is only benefit in the biological father never being around and my bf stepping up to the plate. He said to get married asap and in one year we'll get the ball rolling. He did say it will be a heck of a fight if he refuses, but he rarely has seen a case where an univolved father agrees to terminate rights and then changes his mind. So! I guess it just a waiting game now. Also, thanks for the advice on beneficiary. I'll change that immediately.

Thanks to all responses.

 

[army judge]

Thanks. I actually just retained a lawyer who said basically exactly what you did except he seems to think there is only benefit in the biological father never being around and my bf stepping up to the plate. He said to get married asap and in one year we'll get the ball rolling. He did say it will be a heck of a fight if he refuses, but he rarely has seen a case where an univolved father agrees to terminate rights and then changes his mind. So! I guess it just a waiting game now. Also, thanks for the advice on beneficiary. I'll change that immediately.

Thanks to all responses.

Has the person you mentioned as the biological father been confirmed as the father via DNA testing?

Has that person done anything affirmative to being father, such as signing a birth certificate?

Were you legally married to that person at the moment of the child's birth?

 

[irish223]

As stated in OP's first post, the ex (father) pays court ordered child support, and they were not married.

 

[GirlInAWhirl]

army judge

He was forced to sign the birth certificate after the DNA test. When I went after him for child support, he said he was not the father (this was maybe a week after the baby was born) so he was ordered to take a DNA test, and after that his name was listed on the BC. I'm assuming he signed it? His name is not listed on the birth worksheet or the souvenier copy you take home, but is on the notarized copy you get from town hall.

I don't know if he will fight an adoption or not. He claims he won't but you never know what will happen. We have not spoken in about 2 years. Also I need to get married and wait at least a year, so I'm just kind of holding my breath.

Thank you.

 

[army judge]

He was forced to sign the birth certificate after the DNA test. When I went after him for child support, he said he was not the father (this was maybe a week after the baby was born) so he was ordered to take a DNA test, and after that his name was listed on the BC. I'm assuming he signed it? His name is not listed on the birth worksheet or the souvenier copy you take home, but is on the notarized copy you get from town hall.

I don't know if he will fight an adoption or not. He claims he won't but you never know what will happen. We have not spoken in about 2 years. Also I need to get married and wait at least a year, so I'm just kind of holding my breath.

Thank you.

I was hoping for your sake, that he wasn't the legal father.
However, he is the legal father.
Your lawyer is advising you, and you now know what must be done.
I hope everything works out for you and your family just the way you want it.

 

[GirlInAWhirl]

That is so nice. Thank you so much.

 

[kaisgirl]

I am proud of you. Keep up the good fight. I have been told over and over again on this site that my husband is not my kids dad. I agree that its a term of endearment. The courts do not on the other hand. My husband has been their "dad" for more of their life than their biological was. I am in the same situation. Just because my ex is ordered to pay child support, he hasn't abandoned them. We actually told the kids not to call my husband dad but they decided that they wanted to. I have been accused of parent alienation even though they only see their father two weeks a year. Parent alienation is a shaky accusation at best and isn't that easy to prove if your not bad mouthing your ex all the time in front of people. It was found to be a false accusation just yesterday. I wish you all the luck and know no matter what these so called experts try to throw at you to bring you down, there are other moms out there who have your back and are in the same situation.

 

[army judge]

I am proud of you. Keep up the good fight. I have been told over and over again on this site that my husband is not my kids dad. I agree that its a term of endearment. The courts do not on the other hand. My husband has been their "dad" for more of their life than their biological was. I am in the same situation. Just because my ex is ordered to pay child support, he hasn't abandoned them. We actually told the kids not to call my husband dad but they decided that they wanted to. I have been accused of parent alienation even though they only see their father two weeks a year. Parent alienation is a shaky accusation at best and isn't that easy to prove if your not bad mouthing your ex all the time in front of people. It was found to be a false accusation just yesterday. I wish you all the luck and know no matter what these so called experts try to throw at you to bring you down, there are other moms out there who have your back and are in the same situation.

WOW!

That was well said. :cheer:

We make our own choices.

We sing our own song!

 

[irish223]

I am proud of you. Keep up the good fight. I have been told over and over again on this site that my husband is not my kids dad.

Where???????????????

I agree that its a term of endearment. The courts do not on the other hand. My husband has been their "dad" for more of their life than their biological was. I am in the same situation. Just because my ex is ordered to pay child support, he hasn't abandoned them. We actually told the kids not to call my husband dad but they decided that they wanted to. I have been accused of parent alienation

????????????????

even though they only see their father two weeks a year. Parent alienation is a shaky accusation at best and isn't that easy to prove if your not bad mouthing your ex all the time in front of people. It was found to be a false accusation just yesterday.

????????????

I wish you all the luck and know no matter what these so called experts try to throw at you to bring you down, there are other moms out there who have your back and are in the same situation.

There's a world of difference between OP's situation and yours, and a world of difference in the advice she received.

Once again, please reread your last thread. No one accused you of parental alienation.

Huge difference between what you're stating and what was actually said.