father needs help with visition, child support

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mscott

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This is a very long story. Im writing this for my husband (just married 1 mo ago).
I have other threads about my own custody fights with my ex which have been resolved.

Now what is going on with my husband. When he was 17 he got a girl pregnant (allegedly) she was known for sleeping around, and even cheated on hi, while they were together. She had claimed she couldnt get pregnant, obviously she could. But thats just as much his fault as hers. Anyhow, my husband never did get a peternity test, and allowed her to name him as the father. He went into the navy so that he could support his child ( he was working at a fast food joint when she got pregnant). He has payed child support all these years, but only saw his son right after he was born, and when he was 2.

They lost contact while he was in the navy. She remarried right after his son was born, and his son has known his stepdad as his father all these years. She even had his last name changed to his while my husband was out to sea and couldnt be contacted for consent to change his last name.

Fast forward a few years (4 years ago) my husband got out of the navy and took a job that was closer to where his son was hoping to set up visitation with him. When he spoke with his sons mother she told him that his son had just been diagnosed with Asperger's and was advised by DR's that if he (my husband) were to come around it would confuse him too much. So my husband chose to stay away thinking it was best, but continued to pay child support.

Now last year my husband recieves a letter for information, because his ex wanted to modify child support. It tunrs out that she left her husband, Her job of 10 years with the state, to move from Oregon to california. She left her husband so that her father would put her back in his will and leave her a 90k inheritance. She was back with her husband within days of her father dying, he ( the husband) moved down to california.

So they are both now jobless, she blew through the 90k within months, and because they now have no jobs, no money she filed for modification.

My husband filled out the papers, and was not interested in fighting it, his child support had been the same amount for 12 years, and felt that a little increase was due. In the meantime he started asking around, trying to figure out if it was a good idea to try and see his son. He had plans to talk to a child psychologist to see how this would impact his son. Before he could talk to anyone, his mother told his son about him, within less than a day of talking with my husband.

We found out that his son was never diagnosed with Asperger's, in fact he is a pretty normal 12 year old kid. She lied to keep him away. After moving to Ca for a year, they packed the kids up again, and moved back to OR. Both times in the middle of the school year.

Now his ex posts everything about her life on FB, and the things we have found out are awful. Many posts from her about how depressed she is, how she wants to die. Her husband claims to be Bi-polar. She has accused, and had her husband arrested twice for domestic violence, claiming that he threatened to kill her and the kids (they have one child between them) but within a day she took him back, saying how much she adores him, and loves him.

Neither of them have had a job (well they had jobs they left after a short time) in the last year. She desperatly wants to be a stay at home mom. But she is psychologically not right.

TRhey want to uproot the kids again ( 3rd time in a year) back to CA. The kids didnt even finish out the school year after the first move.

Anyhow back to the child support, it was raised from 250.00 mo to 1000mo.
As a result my husband is losing his home, because he cannot handle that increase. And because the state took 3 months to put in into effect, he is being charged arrearages of 3200.00 which makes it 1200.00 a month out of his paycheck for the next year.

What can we do? He also wants to set up visitation with his son. We have plans to move back to Michigan in the next month. My husband will be staying here a few months until the plant opens in Detroit for his transfer.

Honestly if it wasnt for the fact that it would be hard on his son, the environment he is in isnt a very good one with two very emotionally, and physically unstable parents.

His stepdad had to go to court 4 years ago because he was accused of child abuse, and giving (the son) a black eye. I guess it was thrown out, not sure.

We were able to go up to OR this past weekend, and visit for the first time.

What recourse does my husband have? His ex has no intentions of looking for a job, she posts all the time about how she just wants to stay home.

What can we do? He wants to set up visitation, and somehow get child support reduced to a more manageable level.

I think its unfair that she can use my husband as an atm machine so she can play and stay home, yet she did what she could to cut him out of his sons life.

Please help.
 
mscott said:
This is a very long story. Im writing this for my husband (just married 1 mo ago).
I have other threads about my own custody fights with my ex which have been resolved.

Now what is going on with my husband. When he was 17 he got a girl pregnant (allegedly) she was known for sleeping around, and even cheated on hi, while they were together. She had claimed she couldnt get pregnant, obviously she could. But thats just as much his fault as hers. Anyhow, my husband never did get a peternity test, and allowed her to name him as the father. He went into the navy so that he could support his child ( he was working at a fast food joint when she got pregnant). He has payed child support all these years, but only saw his son right after he was born, and when he was 2.

They lost contact while he was in the navy. She remarried right after his son was born, and his son has known his stepdad as his father all these years. She even had his last name changed to his while my husband was out to sea and couldnt be contacted for consent to change his last name.

Fast forward a few years (4 years ago) my husband got out of the navy and took a job that was closer to where his son was hoping to set up visitation with him. When he spoke with his sons mother she told him that his son had just been diagnosed with Asperger's and was advised by DR's that if he (my husband) were to come around it would confuse him too much. So my husband chose to stay away thinking it was best, but continued to pay child support.

Now last year my husband recieves a letter for information, because his ex wanted to modify child support. It tunrs out that she left her husband, Her job of 10 years with the state, to move from Oregon to california. She left her husband so that her father would put her back in his will and leave her a 90k inheritance. She was back with her husband within days of her father dying, he ( the husband) moved down to california.

So they are both now jobless, she blew through the 90k within months, and because they now have no jobs, no money she filed for modification.

My husband filled out the papers, and was not interested in fighting it, his child support had been the same amount for 12 years, and felt that a little increase was due. In the meantime he started asking around, trying to figure out if it was a good idea to try and see his son. He had plans to talk to a child psychologist to see how this would impact his son. Before he could talk to anyone, his mother told his son about him, within less than a day of talking with my husband.

We found out that his son was never diagnosed with Asperger's, in fact he is a pretty normal 12 year old kid. She lied to keep him away. After moving to Ca for a year, they packed the kids up again, and moved back to OR. Both times in the middle of the school year.

Now his ex posts everything about her life on FB, and the things we have found out are awful. Many posts from her about how depressed she is, how she wants to die. Her husband claims to be Bi-polar. She has accused, and had her husband arrested twice for domestic violence, claiming that he threatened to kill her and the kids (they have one child between them) but within a day she took him back, saying how much she adores him, and loves him.

Neither of them have had a job (well they had jobs they left after a short time) in the last year. She desperatly wants to be a stay at home mom. But she is psychologically not right.

TRhey want to uproot the kids again ( 3rd time in a year) back to CA. The kids didnt even finish out the school year after the first move.

Anyhow back to the child support, it was raised from 250.00 mo to 1000mo.
As a result my husband is losing his home, because he cannot handle that increase. And because the state took 3 months to put in into effect, he is being charged arrearages of 3200.00 which makes it 1200.00 a month out of his paycheck for the next year.

What can we do? He also wants to set up visitation with his son. We have plans to move back to Michigan in the next month. My husband will be staying here a few months until the plant opens in Detroit for his transfer.

Honestly if it wasnt for the fact that it would be hard on his son, the environment he is in isnt a very good one with two very emotionally, and physically unstable parents.

His stepdad had to go to court 4 years ago because he was accused of child abuse, and giving (the son) a black eye. I guess it was thrown out, not sure.

We were able to go up to OR this past weekend, and visit for the first time.

What recourse does my husband have? His ex has no intentions of looking for a job, she posts all the time about how she just wants to stay home.

What can we do? He wants to set up visitation, and somehow get child support reduced to a more manageable level.

I think its unfair that she can use my husband as an atm machine so she can play and stay home, yet she did what she could to cut him out of his sons life.

Please help.
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Your husband needs a lawyer, yeah more money and more money. But, if this creature is to be stopped, your husband needs his own lawyer.

He has a few defenses, that are nothing more than allegations, absent any proof.

An initial consultation with most attorneys is normally at no charge. If I were him, I'd meet with a few attorneys to see what strategies to pursue and how much they'd cost me to effect them.



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
The court WILL want to know what Dad has been doing to exercise his visitation during the past years.

The court MAY want to know why Dad has only started to pursue visitation since his child support was increased.

I'm not being mean, OP - I'm being realistic.

What does Dad want to accomplish? :)
 
He wasnt sure if he was going to pursue visitation, until his ex opened up the option to him. He was trying to do what he felt was best for his son, staying away.

Granted before that time (4 years ago) he didnt do enough, and just let things be, but I guess he grew up and realized what he was missing. But when he tried to persue visitation again 4 years ago, he was told by the mom that DR's advised against it, so he complied. Unfortunatly my husband tends to take people at their word, and doesn't look into things as much as he should. I wish he had looked further, asked for proof of the diagnosis, ect.

By the mom telling his son about him, it opened up the chance for him to get to know his son. It wouldn't matter what the increase was, it was the mom finally telling his son about him, that gave him hope that he could see his son.

The only thing I wish he had taken care of years ago, because there was some doubt was an actual paternity test. The boy does resemble him, and the dates match, so I think there is a 90% chance he is in fact his, but I think even with his mom and sister, there is always a little doubt, and I feel that should be put to rest once and for all. He had stated that back then, when he looked into a paternity test the cost was around 700.00 and he just didn't have the knowledge to find a way to pursue it correctly. He was just a kid himself, I believe 18 when his son was born.

We are going to get a lawyer, which will be hard because of finances now.

His goal now, He would like to get support reduced to a more reasonable amount, even 700.00 is fine, And he wants to set up regular visitation with his son. he missed a lot of years, and he doesn't want to miss anymore.

I was there when he saw his son for the first time a couple of weeks ago (after so many years) He was holding back tears before his son arrived to meet him.

I think a lot was guilt, why he didn't do things sooner, he felt he made mistakes, and its his fault he missed out. Which he did, he did not make enough of an effort early on. But 4 years ago, he wanted to change that, and now the same issues are not tying his hands.

Will the courts allow him to set up visitation? Wouldn't they have to have a good reason to deny him visitation? His son enjoyed the time he spent with him, they had a great weekend, his son is equally excited to meet my boys (they are around the same ages).

All we know is we are definitly not going to do this verbally. His mother tried to cancel our visit a couple of times right before we went out there. I don't trust her to not try that again if we were to just try a verbal agreement, we want something signed by the courts, so that it is enforceable.
 
Just recently, through conversations with my husbands ex-girlfriend, and my mother and sister in law, we have discovered (although always suspected) that there is a Very good chance that this boy is not my husbands.
My husband wants to get a paternity test done, but Im not even sure now, after so many years, even if it is proven that he is not the father what he can do. He has payed child support since day one.
Ive talked to him more about, and he has opened up more, but his ex girlfriend has done sevreal things to keep him away from his "son". She called him 8 weeks into bootcamp to let him know that she was going to marry someone else. My husband went into the navy out of duty, feeling he needed to do something to take care of his child.
I had not known before, that intially my husband was sending gifts and trying to stay in contact, but his ex moved around a lot, and with him in the navy, it was hard to keep contact and locate her. Shortly after his son tunred two, she started returning all the gifts he and his family sent. She was married by then, had been. She is a very manipulative person.
Admittedly my husband kinda gave up, he was in the navy 8 years, out to sea a lot, not even from the state she lived in.
When he got out and moved to Northern Ca, she told him that the boy had asperger's. The stepfather had been arrested and was in court for child abuse. He had slapped his son and caused a black eye. This was thrown out. At the time they asked my husband to sign over his parental rights so that the stepfather could adopt him. He agreed, feeling that since the stepdad had always been around, with the aspergers he could not see his son, He felt that the stepdad should have legal rights to be able to make decisions in case of an emergency. They never filed the papers, Im assuming they realized they would lose a paycheck in the process.
When the modification happened last fall, She told her son about my husband immediatly which to me in itself is fishy. She claims my husband ran out on her, leaving them alone, Why would a mother do that if she felt there was a possibility that he would do it again. Besides she herself has contradicted that statement. She tells people that she was engaged when she met her current husband, yet broke it off the marry the stepdad. She has major health and psychological issues, as well as the stepfather. Stepdad claims he is bipolar, and mom is always talking about wanting to die on FB. She has had the stepdad arrested at least twice for domestic violence, but dropped the charges. She claims that he threatned to kill her and her children, yet she was back with him the next day.
She is very unstable. Neither of them have worked in almost 2 years. She quit a job with the dmv in Oregon that she had for 10 years to move back to Ca. ( her only wish in life) She recieved a 90k inheritance that according to her fb posts, she wasted away within 3-4 months. This was last year, last spring. She filed for a divorce spring of 2009, but was back with her "abusive" husband within a couple of days. She admits freely on FB that she has been, and is on anti-psychoctic medication.
If this is his son, what is the next step. Does he even have a chance because so much time has passed?
To her, her children are pawns to be used to get what she wants. I have honestly never truly met a person like her before. Her actions are calculated. I know that she intended to get pregnant, or stick my husband with a pregnancy she allready knew existed. She had told my husband that dr's told her she couldnt get pregnant, he used protection anyhow, but she was his first. But on one day, after she insistsed , he let his labido get the better of his judgement and had unprotected sex. She tested exactly one week later, and called to tell him she was pregnant. This just shows me her intentions. A person who believes she cannot get pregnant, does not test this early.
She was also evidentlly sick, throwing up every day that he was there.
They were only together, only had sex for 6 days. Thats it.
Anyhow in conversations with her, she stated she knew she could get pregnant because she has had several miscarriages.
As you can see this is frustrating. I cannot stand women like this.

I dont know if paternity can even be forced at this point because of the time. Even if he is proven to not be the father, so much time has gone, I dont think he has recourse.
If he is the father, his son is with two very unstable adults. What can we do? Is there even any point in persuing the paternity? What chances does he have at any of this.
She told me matter of factly that he has no rights to her son, that even is he went for visitation that he wont win any. That if the increase in Child support was hard on us, it wasn't her issue.
Anything?
 
mscott said:
Her actions are calculated. I know that she intended to get pregnant, or stick my husband with a pregnancy she allready knew existed. She had told my husband that dr's told her she couldnt get pregnant, he used protection anyhow, but she was his first. But on one day, after she insistsed , he let his labido get the better of his judgement and had unprotected sex. She tested exactly one week later, and called to tell him she was pregnant. This just shows me her intentions. A person who believes she cannot get pregnant, does not test this early.
She was also evidentlly sick, throwing up every day that he was there.
They were only together, only had sex for 6 days. Thats it.
Anyhow in conversations with her, she stated she knew she could get pregnant because she has had several miscarriages.
As you can see this is frustrating. I cannot stand women like this.
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Please do something for your own good.

Step back. Pretend that YOU didn't write this post.

Pretend that for example...I wrote this, and you just happened to read it.

You're in complete denial.

Your husband is NOT the innocent party in this.
 
I know he isnt an innocent party in this. Neither is she.
I just dont know what to do at this point.
 
The recommendation to have dad post for himself is that, legally, you can do NOTHING in regards to this matter.

Legally you have no role in any of this. The court will see you as a stranger.

As I write this, I realize this is a hopeless gesture on my part. You will likely be like so many of the other wifes/girlfriends who have posted here who will refuse to understand that in the courts eyes, you play absolutely no role in any of this.

This matter is between your husband and this other woman.

Gail
 
mscott said:
I know he isnt an innocent party in this. Neither is she.
I just dont know what to do at this point.
Click to expand...





Its been my experience that men and women lie equally well.
Would you believe that some men say anything to have sex with some women?
How about this?
Some women say they can't get pregnant, because they want to trap a man?
They try to trap men with no job, no education, and a prison record.
Isn't that hard to believe?
Why would any woman want a loser like that?
DIY projects are for the houses, not people.

Once these loser men have impregnated one woman, they find other, gullible women to impregnate.
I watched Maury and saw this one guy who had gotten eight women pregnant.
The DNA tests proved he had fathered all of the children.
One woman had three kids by the guy.
But, she only tested the last one.
The loser accepted the other two, she said.

What was even funnier, was he had a current girlfriend (he called her a fiance) made a fool of herself saying all of those women were lying.
Brother, did she ever get QUIET when the DNA tests proved he had fathered all of those kids.
Okay, so it isn't all that surprising, is it?

But this part is.
The guy hadn't worked in four years.
He said that no one wanted to hire an ex-con and convicted felon with a 7th grade education.
His convictions?
Domestic violence, he was convicted of brutally battering another woman.
His "fiance' says he'd changed.

Now, this is the most bizarre thing of all.
His current girlfriend, (aka, fiance) was footing all of his bills.
She was working two jobs, (he claimed he couldn't get one) paying the guys back child support (to keep his tail outta jail).
I still wondered why she would do that.
Yeah, that was one strange case.

In the promos at the end of the show, Maury said another woman had called and claims the guy impregnated her, too.
She said she's five months pregnant with this stud's baby.
His current woman ("fiance") denied that was his baby, too.
Surprise, surprise, surprise; as Gomer Pyle used to say.
They're all gonna be back for another DNA test.
Maury rocks!
 
mscott said:
Thats just rude. Im just at a loss as to what to do. Part of me knows he screwed up in a lot of ways.
Click to expand...

Ahhh...So you "realize" this guy has "screwed up". But you at a "loss" as to how to deal with this???

Why do you believe this situation is YOURS to "deal" with?? You are not a party to this legal issue. These are not your children.

Dump him. Or not. But either way you are not a legal party to his legal issues.

That does not make me rude...Any more than a Judge would be for pointing out the same LEGAL REALITY in court.:)
 
No, I agree with you Georgia. I know this is only something he can legally do himself. He works 12 hour shifts, and crazy schedules, so Im trying to do a little of the legwork and research for him. I think my post above is just frustration. His ex has been making personal attacks against me since we met. She makes it a point to let me know details of their relationship, even having her children in on it. So most of my last post was frustrations.

I know there has to be some kind of legal recourse for my husband, he was young and stupid when this all happened. Immature at best. I know he didnt do enough in the beginning, but knowing this person now, I don't blame him for wanting nothing to do with her.

But to take my emotions out of this, and just the facts,

He never signed a acknowledgement of paternity, which has always been in question, and is even more so now.

We found the original papers (support order) that states because there was question of paternity that they were both to submit to DNA testing. At the time, my husband says that he was told that he would have to pay 900.00 for the testing (which working at a fast food joint he didnt have). I think he got bad advice, because I believe the courts pay for the testing, and are reimbursed only if the child is found to be his.
He asked the mother to split the cost with him, but she refused, he says she was actually angry about getting the testing done, and did not want to do it.
He tends to take the first answer given to him, and not look further. So when the counselor told him he would have to pay up front, he didn't look further.

He believes he in named on the birth certificate, but he never signed it. The child has the stepfathers last name. The mother and stepfather asked my husband on numerous occasions to sign over his paternal rights so that the stepfather could adopt the boy, but my husband said he just couldn't do it, if he was his son he wanted to be able to get to know him. I think it just had a lot to do with a males sense of responsibility, which is why he went into the navy (something he hated doing) with the plans of marrying her and supporting them. He was not by any means in love with this girl, they had had a very short relationship. She had cheated on him at least once while they were together.
The last time the parents asked him to give over his rights, was four years ago, almost five, and at the time he agreed because of what he was told about his son having asperger's. He felt that the stepfather should have the ability to make decisions for the boy. They never put the paperwork through.

There is just so much more to all of this. I think personally being a mom, and knowing what kind of rap moms get when they rightfully ask for child support, to see a woman who uses her children the way that she does, makes me angry.
She lies, a lot, her own family wants nothing to do with her, because of this. So this is the kind of person we are dealing with.


She left her job she had, had for 10 years with the DMV last year, and not long after filed for the modification.
Her family rants about how she lied to her dying father (faked leaving her husband) to be put back in his will. She claims she recieved 90k, and also claims she spent it all within 3 months.
I think that money still exists, Too many nonessential exspenses they talk about, and that you can see. When I was on foodstamps with my children, not a penny was spent on things that were not needed, cable was shut off, phones brought down to a min, ect. They live as if they make 60k a year.

Another thing, she texted my husband the other day, asking him when the new amount of child support was coming out of his check. She wanted to know so that she could get off of welfare. She got pretty irate when he told her he didn't know, and to call the caseworker. She said "fine, if you don't mind all your money being wasted by the state taking it, then that was his choice." I know she will be getting a decent amount from my husband, 1200 mo. But how could that possibly even cover her expenses if she goes off welfare, if her rent alone is 1500.00 . I don't know, a lot just doesn't add up.

As a note, she wasnt on welfare when she did the modification, so it wasnt the state that initiated it.

She has wanted to move back to California for years. Like I said, there really is So much more to this. She has wanted to be a stay at home mom. Thats one thing she consistently writes, that she doesnt want to work. I think that is why she quit her job, then filed for modification. Is that even legal? Or just playing the system and nothing we can do about it. I know there is a difference between getting layed off, and voluntarily leaving employment, which in this economy, what responsible parent would do that? If a fathers income can be calculated as potential income based on his previous employment, why cant hers, especially when it was something she chose to do? Is there any legal recourse with this one?

After all this, I guess the first step is paternity, because without really knowing if this is his son, he isnt sure what he is fighting for right now.

Will the courts order a paternity for him now after all these years?
Does anyone know of a site, just pointing us in the right direction?
 
Bay, I was reffering to the troll song, I felt that was rude.

My husband made mistakes, he was 17 when this all happened, she was his first. He used condoms with this girl. I believe that because he was almost obssesive with using condoms with me, up until we got married.

Ive come her to try to get some help, not have others attack me for whatever personal issues they perhaps are relating to. I thought this was a legal forum to try and get help with legal issues.

If he were one of those men from maury povich, he would have signed his rights away a long time ago. And he wouldn't have gone up to see his son last month. Part of him doesn't want to take the paternity test, because he doesn't want to find out this isn't his son. There is just enough doubt, that paternity is something that needs to be established. A man who doesn't care, wouldn't be interacting with the child the way he has been, wouldn't get all excited to go christmas and birthday shopping for him, wouldn't offer to pay out of pocket for new glasses for him, and wouldn't offer to buy him clothes. Since he has been in contact, he has done all of these things.
The boys mom called him up 2 months ago, telling him that her son lost his glasses. needed a new pair, without hesistation my husband told her to call from the OPT office and he would pay for a new pair and the exam. He would not ask her what his clothing sizes are so he could go buy him some clothes. He pays 1200.00 mo, yet he still goes beyond that. Now would a dad trying to get out of his responsibilities be paying for more than what the courts expect? He has a lot of guilt over not doing more when his son was younger, mixed in with the good chance that this isnt his son.

Her family has confirmed things he has said, and shown her to be a liar. ( Her family) Majority of them want nothing to do with her. She and her husband both have several mental issues, its stated in court papers from 4 years ago.

Im not so naive that I don't know that my husband has minimized his part at least to some extent, and as time has gone by, he has opened up more and more about it.
 
I guess Im not good at re-posting the Quotes from other people, I just realized I had the wrong quote in my post. Anyway I thought posting that troll song was unnecessary and childish. If people are in here posting, they are usually emotional and at a loss as to what to do, so to have people teasing like HS children, just doesn't help.
 
Oh, I thought it was directed at me, then I apologize. Ive just been through a lot this week. emotionally on edge I guess. My mother almost died the same day I made that post, and dealing with excitment of seeing my kids again, but leaving my husband behind, just a lot of emotion going around right now.
 
Understood in the future if you feel a post is offensive or violation of site "terms of use" then hit report button rather than post about it please
 
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