Separation into Divorce, Moving, and Children all in one

[Onyx]

Jurisdiction

Kansas

I don't quite know the category for this to be honest, so I figure this is as good as any. So, here is what I have currently as well as my intent or wish for the future and I honestly just want to know if/when/what is legal or possible to be honest. I want to do this properly so that there isn't a chance that something gets out of hand and just causes more problems all around. My kids deserve better than the situation we have been left with.

I currently live in Kansas state. My significant other has separated with me (nothing legal, but moved out and immediately sleep with one of my best friends after 13 years of marriage, that crashed and burned, and it has been a year give or take since the whole ordeal). Things have progressively gotten worse with no real chance at mending the situation. The house and the car have been left to me (with their say and agreement, can produce signed papers if need be). We have a 50-50%ish schedule with 3 kiddos (7,9, and 12) where I have them Mon-Wed and every other weekend. I hate it and the kids are not fond of it either, but we are doing it for the other parent honestly. Nothing paper on that, just a verbal agreement when my idea wasn't liked. I don't have anyone here in terms of family, as I am from Kentucky. I have been seriously considering going back home where I have a support system of family and friends to help me get through this whole mess. I am struggling. I have been to therapy, discovered I had undiagnosed ADHD for 33 years of my life, and despite it all still love my significant other. But I have to find a way to get away from here and them. But I refuse to leave my kids behind.

Is it possible to line up work, a place (My parents place to start), funds for support (selling the house and other unneeded stuff), and just move out that way and file for divorce and custody from the state of KY? I don't want to play unfair, but I just don't have the resources here or the support that I need, and I know they would fight me (And I don't by any means think that it would be unfair when they do). But they left US. They took everything away and left us hanging so they could go 'live life' instead of being a parent and trying to figure things out instead of breaking our family. My oldest had to do therapy for a while, dealing with anxiety and other problems, just to get to a point where she feels remotely ok. Honestly, between us two parents, I am the only one she even feels comfortable talking to about everything. I am often the mediator because the other parent has a bad habit of coming off overbearing and my daughter just freezes up and wants to hide her face.

I don't really know my options, and I just really think all 4 of us would be better where we have more of what we need to live a happier life. I'd give anything in the world to work things out with the other parent, but they don't want to reconcile or work something out that works for both of us and our family.

Thank you for any advice that anyone might have. I could really use it as I am struggling with so much even a year later.

 

[army judge]

I don't really know my options, and I just really think all 4 of us would be better where we have more of what we need to live a happier life.

You have many options.

Have you considered speaking with a social worker, psychologist, religious officiant, divorced/divorcing male support group, father's rights group, or an family law attorney?

If you have a physician, he or she would be happy to offer you additional options.

Yes, you and children might be happier, if things returned to normal.

However, that rarely occurs.

Once the other party wants to end the marriage, it only gets worse if you pine and whine about the past.

Think of it the way.

What if your soon to be former spouse had been killed in an automobile collision.

I've suffered loss of another kind.

My first wife died of an asthma/heart attack.
She had just turned 36.
I was in my second year of law school.
In life things happen to and around, things were unable to change.

We are required to accept most of life's events along with the fickle finger of fate, because there's nothing I could do after the coroner pronounced my wife as deceased but accept the reality of it all.

I also had to try to stay focused for our 14, 12, and 10 year old children. As sad as her passing was for me, I couldn't imagine losing either of my parents that young.

Heck, losing dad and mom decades later, I was still broken and befuddled by their passing.

Try counseling of some sort, mate.

You must drive on, not only for yourself, but for those precious little human beings.

 

[Onyx]

Thank you for replying and being very thorough with it.

I haven't really reached out to anything yet locally, for a few reasons which I'll get to in a moment.

I understand the need to not let the things of the past be something to get in the way of taking care of my children. I've also deeply thought on the fact that if something happened to her after we left, it would be devastating on all of us. I've sat down and tried to weight the good and the bad of the situation the best that I can.

Ok, so to elaborate: We live in a place where the COUNTY population is under 5,000 people. If I say something to practically anyone, half the town hears about it (usually not the true story as well). So I've been very hesitant about talking to anyone here. I know there are plenty of things that should prevent any of that… Honestly I don't want to take the risk. If I bring it up and decide against it, and she hears about it anyways? It will make everything worse. We also work at the same job. There are very few places around her to find ideal work times and pay without having family connections or spending a lot of time where you are. So I don't really have the option of changing jobs. Even my part time job I do when the kids are not there, I was informed this last weekend that she might starting out there as well.

I'm trying to put myself in a place where I know what I am able to provide for my kids is enough, both in cornering their needs and still be there for them as well emotionally/mentally. I'm really struggling to find a way to juggle that here when I have almost no one.

As said, I've tried therapy and that did help to a degree. But beyond that, I feel like I have to take myself away from what's there to do what I have to do for them. They are struggling pretty bad as well with the back and forth. My oldest and her fight often enough for it to be a thing.

I really think it might just be time.

 

[retic]

If you move to Kentucky you have to be able to show six months (180 days) residency before you can legally file for divorce. If your husband knows before then that you moved then he can file in Kansas and force the divorce and child custody orders from that state. You may also be ordered by the court to return the kids to Kansas.

 

[stealthy1]

If you move to Kentucky you have to be able to show six months (180 days) residency before you can legally file for divorce. If your husband/(stbx spouse) knows before then that you moved then he can file in Kansas and force the divorce and child custody orders from that state. You may also be ordered by the court to return the kids to Kansas.

And given that you have a 50/50 timeshare, it's unlikely that she won't know - I would expect her to file immediately and request that the judge issue temporary orders to return the children prior to the beginning of the next school year. I wouldn't make any plans to move prior to filing/getting orders that allow you to move the children.

 

[leslie82]

I don't quite know the category for this to be honest, so I figure this is as good as any. So, here is what I have currently as well as my intent or wish for the future and I honestly just want to know if/when/what is legal or possible to be honest. I want to do this properly so that there isn't a chance that something gets out of hand and just causes more problems all around. My kids deserve better than the situation we have been left with.

I currently live in Kansas state. My significant other has separated with me (nothing legal, but moved out and immediately sleep with one of my best friends after 13 years of marriage, that crashed and burned, and it has been a year give or take since the whole ordeal). Things have progressively gotten worse with no real chance at mending the situation. The house and the car have been left to me (with their say and agreement, can produce signed papers if need be). We have a 50-50%ish schedule with 3 kiddos (7,9, and 12) where I have them Mon-Wed and every other weekend. I hate it and the kids are not fond of it either, but we are doing it for the other parent honestly. Nothing paper on that, just a verbal agreement when my idea wasn't liked. I don't have anyone here in terms of family, as I am from Kentucky. I have been seriously considering going back home where I have a support system of family and friends to help me get through this whole mess. I am struggling. I have been to therapy, discovered I had undiagnosed ADHD for 33 years of my life, and despite it all still love my significant other. But I have to find a way to get away from here and them. But I refuse to leave my kids behind.

Is it possible to line up work, a place (My parents place to start), funds for support (selling the house and other unneeded stuff), and just move out that way and file for divorce and custody from the state of KY? I don't want to play unfair, but I just don't have the resources here or the support that I need, and I know they would fight me (And I don't by any means think that it would be unfair when they do). But they left US. They took everything away and left us hanging so they could go 'live life' instead of being a parent and trying to figure things out instead of breaking our family. My oldest had to do therapy for a while, dealing with anxiety and other problems, just to get to a point where she feels remotely ok. Honestly, between us two parents, I am the only one she even feels comfortable talking to about everything. I am often the mediator because the other parent has a bad habit of coming off overbearing and my daughter just freezes up and wants to hide her face.

I don't really know my options, and I just really think all 4 of us would be better where we have more of what we need to live a happier life. I'd give anything in the world to work things out with the other parent, but they don't want to reconcile or work something out that works for both of us and our family.

Thank you for any advice that anyone might have. I could really use it as I am struggling with so much even a year later.

If you haven't filed divorce yet, then yeah you can move and you could file in KY - they might have a residency requirement before you can file there. But realize as long as you're married, custody is 50/50 and he can come and take the kids and you can't stop him. Or he can stop you from taking the kids with you when you move.

I get where you're coming from - just make sure you look up custody laws in Kansas and then in Kentucky and educate yourself. And find lawyers who do free consultations wherever you are now and you can get like 30 min of free advice.

 

[justblue]

If OP were to move the children to KY without the permission of the father and/or the Judge, she risks the father going to court and filing for the children to be returned to the home state and full custody of the children.

 

[stealthy1]

@leslie82 and @justblue .. I know it doesn't matter *legally*, but I think OP is Dad and the stbx is Mom.

 

[Zigner]

But realize as long as you're married, custody is 50/50 ...

I'm not disagreeing with what you're saying, just clarifying (it's my pedantry shining through):
Absent a court order, when the parents are married, there is no percentage of custody. Each parent has the same (full) decision-making rights as the other, including decisions about where the child(ren) will live.

 

[justblue]

I'm not disagreeing with what you're saying, just clarifying (it's my pedantry shining through):
Absent a court order, when the parents are married, there is no percentage of custody. Each parent has the same (full) decision-making rights as the other, including decisions about where the child(ren) will live.

In this case the pedantry provides a necessary clarification.