Father hasn't showed up since last August and creates issues with exchanges

[trailergirl]

Jurisdiction

Pennsylvania

Hi, Any help or advise would be greatly appreciated. My son is now 12. I have primary custody, the father has partial. His father has been making things difficult at exchanges for years with various antics. Showing up with cameras, refusing to come to my home to pick up my son because he is 'afraid',showing up late etc etc. The custody order states that the parent who has custody time is to pick the child up at the other parents house and the other parent is to pick the child up at the other parents house when the visit has ended. My issue is this, first, my sons father has not shown up on any of his custody days with the exception of Christmas day for approximately 10 month. He will not communicate with me via telephone or text or email. In the previous year, when he was showing up on occasion, and sometimes actually speaking to me, he would state that he would not come to my home to pick up our son, but that I had to drive somewhere often times 30 minutes to meet because he was 'afraid' to come to my home. Reluctantly I did that for a period of time only because my son was anxious to see his father. Last night I came home to find my son on the telephone with his dad, my son called him and said he wanted to see him this weekend. At this point I'm not even sure whose weekend it officially is because he hasn't been around for so long. Because my son wants to see him I said it would be ok even though we already had plans. I told him he could pick him up after school at my home. He stated that he would need to bring a police escort because his is 'afraid'. In lieu of this and because I don't want my son to be exposed to these ridiculous antics I suggested that he pick him up directly from school. My question is this: I had already had plans for the weekend and have guests coming to my home the time I would have normally picked him up at the end of his visit is the time we had planned to have guests over. I told him via a text message that I would not be able to pick up my son and he would have to drop him off on this short notice or he could drop him off at school on Monday morning. I am already anticipating that I will get a phone call at the end of the visit from somewhere telling me to pick him, like a gas station 45 minutes away from my home in a dark and lonely parking lot the middle of dinner since the custody pick up time is 7PM. Do I have to pick him up or can I force him to drop it off since he has not shown up in 10 months and gave us no forewarning that he would suddenly reappear? And again I'm not even sure it is his weekend. He has been doing this kind of stuff to me for years making me drive everywhere and is abusive towards me which is on record with the courts (the abuse part). I can't afford an attorney to adjust the order which is now 12 years old. Any advise?

 

[adjusterjack]

I can't afford an attorney

That phrase always seems to end these laundry lists of problems. Sigh.

I don't know what to tell you.

Your ex obviously knows how to push your buttons and you don't seem capable of standing up to him.

If you can't figure out how to handle this without court, then you figure out how to get it into court and have him chastised for his behavior.

 

[army judge]

You can't force the other parent to utilize her/his visitation.

Most pick up/drop off of the kid(s) is done in a public place, often a police station.

He is right to be leery of picking up the child at YOUR home.

You can't force another adult to do a darn thing.

If you believe the other person is violating the order, all you can do is go back to court and "tell it to the judge".

 

[leslie82]

Hi, Any help or advise would be greatly appreciated. My son is now 12. I have primary custody, the father has partial. His father has been making things difficult at exchanges for years with various antics. Showing up with cameras, refusing to come to my home to pick up my son because he is 'afraid',showing up late etc etc. The custody order states that the parent who has custody time is to pick the child up at the other parents house and the other parent is to pick the child up at the other parents house when the visit has ended. My issue is this, first, my sons father has not shown up on any of his custody days with the exception of Christmas day for approximately 10 month. He will not communicate with me via telephone or text or email. In the previous year, when he was showing up on occasion, and sometimes actually speaking to me, he would state that he would not come to my home to pick up our son, but that I had to drive somewhere often times 30 minutes to meet because he was 'afraid' to come to my home. Reluctantly I did that for a period of time only because my son was anxious to see his father. Last night I came home to find my son on the telephone with his dad, my son called him and said he wanted to see him this weekend. At this point I'm not even sure whose weekend it officially is because he hasn't been around for so long. Because my son wants to see him I said it would be ok even though we already had plans. I told him he could pick him up after school at my home. He stated that he would need to bring a police escort because his is 'afraid'. In lieu of this and because I don't want my son to be exposed to these ridiculous antics I suggested that he pick him up directly from school. My question is this: I had already had plans for the weekend and have guests coming to my home the time I would have normally picked him up at the end of his visit is the time we had planned to have guests over. I told him via a text message that I would not be able to pick up my son and he would have to drop him off on this short notice or he could drop him off at school on Monday morning. I am already anticipating that I will get a phone call at the end of the visit from somewhere telling me to pick him, like a gas station 45 minutes away from my home in a dark and lonely parking lot the middle of dinner since the custody pick up time is 7PM. Do I have to pick him up or can I force him to drop it off since he has not shown up in 10 months and gave us no forewarning that he would suddenly reappear? And again I'm not even sure it is his weekend. He has been doing this kind of stuff to me for years making me drive everywhere and is abusive towards me which is on record with the courts (the abuse part). I can't afford an attorney to adjust the order which is now 12 years old. Any advise?

Do you have sole physical and joint legal? Is that what you mean?

He doesn't "have" to exercise his visitation. He won't get punished for not showing up. But if he does show up and you deny him, he can take you to court for contempt. If you think the visitation needs modified based on his absences, go back to court. If it's been awhile you start weekends over.

You can't force him to do anything. If your order states that you have to pick him up and your ex won't work with you, then you pick him up. Yeah it sucks that he's being a prick but until you modify that order, there's not much to be done. If you two could work out arrangements that's fine but it doesn't sound likely.

You don't have to have an attorney to modify the order. You can file this and do it yourself. But until you do, legally you go by what is in the current order.

You know you could have told him no for that weekend since he threw off the schedule and said "let's start next weekend" or something.

 

[trailergirl]

Do you have sole physical and joint legal? Is that what you mean?

He doesn't "have" to exercise his visitation. He won't get punished for not showing up. But if he does show up and you deny him, he can take you to court for contempt. If you think the visitation needs modified based on his absences, go back to court. If it's been awhile you start weekends over.

You can't force him to do anything. If your order states that you have to pick him up and your ex won't work with you, then you pick him up. Yeah it sucks that he's being a prick but until you modify that order, there's not much to be done. If you two could work out arrangements that's fine but it doesn't sound likely.

You don't have to have an attorney to modify the order. You can file this and do it yourself. But until you do, legally you go by what is in the current order.

You know you could have told him no for that weekend since he threw off the schedule and said "let's start next weekend" or something.

Thank you so much,I have primary custody he has partial. He has been a nightmare since day one and it's so frustrating. He gets away this behavior and jacks me around so I have to drive everywhere and then doesn't show up. I am in Lancaster County PA. I want to file a change so he has to do the driving since he doesn't show 99 percent of the time. Any idea on how I do that?

 

[trailergirl]

You can't force the other parent to utilize her/his visitation.

Most pick up/drop off of the kid(s) is done in a public place, often a police station.

He is right to be leery of picking up the child at YOUR home.

You can't force another adult to do a darn thing.

If you believe the other person is violating the order, all you can do is go back to court and "tell it to the judge".

Thank you!

 

[trailergirl]

That phrase always seems to end these laundry lists of problems. Sigh.

I don't know what to tell you.

Your ex obviously knows how to push your buttons and you don't seem capable of standing up to him.

If you can't figure out how to handle this without court, then you figure out how to get it into court and have him chastised for his behavior.

Thank you!

 

[leslie82]

Thank you so much,I have primary custody he has partial. He has been a nightmare since day one and it's so frustrating. He gets away this behavior and jacks me around so I have to drive everywhere and then doesn't show up. I am in Lancaster County PA. I want to file a change so he has to do the driving since he doesn't show 99 percent of the time. Any idea on how I do that?

Google file to modify custody in Pennsylvania or go to your courthouse and ask one of the clerks. Ask a lawyer many do free consultations.

 

[trailergirl]

Google file to modify custody in Pennsylvania or go to your courthouse and ask one of the clerks. Ask a lawyer many do free consultations.

ok, thank you so much!

 

[adjusterjack]

ok, thank you so much!

Why not just say no to all his BS and let him go to court if he wants to?

 

[trailergirl]

Why not just say no to all his BS and let him go to court if he wants to?

I thought about that too. Because I don't think he has the funds either so he probably wouldn't. But I don't know for sure. My big worry is that he won't take my son to school on Monday and there are all these important tests going on because its the end of the school year. He has caused me so much grief it's been 12 years of hell. I'm actually from another state and got stuck here because he dragged me through the court system and the local laws forced me to stay here. He was so abusive and is still getting away with his controlling behavior now. I spent my life savings in lawyers fees, lost everything but got primary custody. I've been stuck here since 2003 with no family and it took me years to get back on my feet and somehow I have survived. I haven't seen my parents or family for 6 years. I barely make ends meet in the area I am stuck in. And now he doesn't even show up for his own custody after he forced me to relocate here through the court system. It's really an injustice and he got away with it. And he did again to another girl he had a child with, she is in worse shape as she is from another country and is also stuck here. He is an absolute nightmare and I am so exhausted.

 

[army judge]

I thought about that too. Because I don't think he has the funds either so he probably wouldn't. But I don't know for sure. My big worry is that he won't take my son to school on Monday and there are all these important tests going on because its the end of the school year. He has caused me so much grief it's been 12 years of hell. I'm actually from another state and got stuck here because he dragged me through the court system and the local laws forced me to stay here. He was so abusive and is still getting away with his controlling behavior now. I spent my life savings in lawyers fees, lost everything but got primary custody. I've been stuck here since 2003 with no family and it took me years to get back on my feet and somehow I have survived. I haven't seen my parents or family for 6 years. I barely make ends meet in the area I am stuck in. And now he doesn't even show up for his own custody after he forced me to relocate here through the court system. It's really an injustice and he got away with it. And he did again to another girl he had a child with, she is in worse shape as she is from another country and is also stuck here. He is an absolute nightmare and I am so exhausted.

Your nightmare ends in less than six years when your child becomes an adult.

The real loser here is your child.

He has a great mother, and a loser for a father.

The saddest thing about these stories, the kids always lose more than the adults.

Use this as a life lesson NEVER to get entangled with lying Lotharios, avoid them, and simply don't have intercourse with them, EVER!!!!

 

[ElleMD]

You both have to follow the order as written. That means you can insist he pick up Junior at your house, and you must pick him up from Dad's. Of course you can voluntarily agree otherwise, but you are not obligated to do anything other than what is ordered. I seriously doubt the Lancaster PD has nothing better to do than escort a grown man to pick up a child. Most likely he is just blowing smoke.

If you do want to amend your order to pick a neutral location for pick up and drop off, you can do so. Unless it is in the order, it isn't an obligation.

I'd be wary of having Dad pick up the kid someplace where you are not in case he flakes out or does try to pull some sort of upsetting stunt.

 

[trailergirl]

Your nightmare ends in less than six years when your child becomes an adult.

The real loser here is your child.

He has a great mother, and a loser for a father.

The saddest thing about these stories, the kids always lose more than the adults.

Use this as a life lesson NEVER to get entangled with lying Lotharios, avoid them, and simply don't have intercourse with them, EVER!!!!

You are so right, and I greatly appreciate comments, thank you so much. Unfortunately, he did not show any of those traits until he had me in his clutches. I spent two years with him in the state I was from prior to ever coming here. I was here for less than one year when this happened. I have often thought of writing a book about what has happened to me. There is so much more I have been through being stuck in this situation. It's almost like I was sentenced for a crime I did not commit and the laws have enabled him to further violate me. Every time I see him I feel violated and he finds it so amusing and loves it. I know its is my fault for making the decisions I did but the laws have prevented me for providing my child with a better life. My salary was four times the amount I am able to get here and it has been nothing but a non-stop struggle. My story is a perfect example of what not to do EVER.

 

[trailergirl]

You both have to follow the order as written. That means you can insist he pick up Junior at your house, and you must pick him up from Dad's. Of course you can voluntarily agree otherwise, but you are not obligated to do anything other than what is ordered. I seriously doubt the Lancaster PD has nothing better to do than escort a grown man to pick up a child. Most likely he is just blowing smoke.

If you do want to amend your order to pick a neutral location for pick up and drop off, you can do so. Unless it is in the order, it isn't an obligation.

I'd be wary of having Dad pick up the kid someplace where you are not in case he flakes out or does try to pull some sort of upsetting stunt.

Thank you so much, I really appreciate the time everyone took in this forum to respond to my post. This has been a heart wrenching difficult 12 years. THank you

 

[army judge]

You are so right, and I greatly appreciate comments, thank you so much. Unfortunately, he did not show any of those traits until he had me in his clutches. I spent two years with him in the state I was from prior to ever coming here. I was here for less than one year when this happened. I have often thought of writing a book about what has happened to me. There is so much more I have been through being stuck in this situation. It's almost like I was sentenced for a crime I did not commit and the laws have enabled him to further violate me. Every time I see him I feel violated and he finds it so amusing and loves it. I know its is my fault for making the decisions I did but the laws have prevented me for providing my child with a better life. My salary was four times the amount I am able to get here and it has been nothing but a non-stop struggle. My story is a perfect example of what not to do EVER.

I've written three books (one about my experiences as a teenager soldier in Viet Nam so many, many years ago). (another about becoming a lawyer, thanks to the Army, taxpayers and my agreement to work it off by paying back in active service two years time for the three years of law school), (and my years as a Texas judge and the criminal trials I've presided over).

I planned to publish them, but have finally decided to gift them to my children upon my death. I allowed a book editor to read one of them, and turned down the offer to publish it because I felt my kids would appreciate them more.

I'm writing another book about a murder case I tried in the army. It'll be fictionalized, of course, and that one I might try to get published.

Why not write your book for your benefit? If you decide later to publish it, good for you. You can always share it with your son when he's old enough to appreciate the sacrifices you've made not only by carrying him for nine months, but by raising him to manhood.

Good luck, and just keep on doing your best. The good news, you won't ever be anyone's victim again, the deadbeat batterer has opened your eyes to be wary of human vermin.

 

[ElleMD]

Lancaster is hardly a depressed area. If you have a child with someone, you are obligated to allow for a relationship with both parents. If he truly only sees the child once a year, and you have reason to move elsewhere, you can petition to have that part of the order amended based on his history of not exercising his rights to visitation. You may and probably will be on the hook for the cost of transporting the child to and from where you move to where Dad lives. If Dad lives more than 45 minutes away as you indicate, you do have a broad range somewhat locally that you could move. You can't be order to remain in a particular residence.

There is no need to feel violated or squirm around him. Heck, you only see him a handful of times a year if that. Keep it brief for the purposes of exchanging the child and don't give in to his manipulations. In 6 years you can move and do as you please.

If he does take Junior this weekend, you are going to need to pick up the kid at his place as the order indicates. If that means the guests amuse themselves for 2 hours or go on a ride, so be it.

 

[trailergirl]

I've written three books (one about my experiences as a teenager soldier in Viet Nam so many, many years ago). (another about becoming a lawyer, thanks to the Army, taxpayers and my agreement to work it off by paying back in active service two years time for the three years of law school), (and my years as a Texas judge and the criminal trials I've presided over).

I planned to publish them, but have finally decided to gift them to my children upon my death. I allowed a book editor to read one of them, and turned down the offer to publish it because I felt my kids would appreciate them more.

I'm writing another book about a murder case I tried in the army. It'll be fictionalized, of course, and that one I might try to get published.

Why not write your book for your benefit? If you decide later to publish it, good for you. You can always share it with your son when he's old enough to appreciate the sacrifices you've made not only by carrying him for nine months, but by raising him to manhood.

Good luck, and just keep on doing your best. The good news, you won't ever be anyone's victim again, the deadbeat batterer has opened your eyes to be wary of human vermin.

Wow, that is awesome! I bet what you have written are amazing tales and your children will be grateful. That is super cool. And thank you for your suggestions I will think about it. I actually started once before, this may sound a little strange but I have a difficult time chronologically putting the events that have occurred in the right order. I'm not sure if it's because I am traumatized by what has happened or I have just blocked some things out. I do want to share this story, I wouldn't wish this on anyone ever. It has ruined me emotionally, although I do feel so grateful that I landed primary and have been able to spend this time with my son, that I would never change. Thank you!!

 

[trailergirl]

Lancaster is hardly a depressed area. If you have a child with someone, you are obligated to allow for a relationship with both parents. If he truly only sees the child once a year, and you have reason to move elsewhere, you can petition to have that part of the order amended based on his history of not exercising his rights to visitation. You may and probably will be on the hook for the cost of transporting the child to and from where you move to where Dad lives. If Dad lives more than 45 minutes away as you indicate, you do have a broad range somewhat locally that you could move. You can't be order to remain in a particular residence.

There is no need to feel violated or squirm around him. Heck, you only see him a handful of times a year if that. Keep it brief for the purposes of exchanging the child and don't give in to his manipulations. In 6 years you can move and do as you please.

If he does take Junior this weekend, you are going to need to pick up the kid at his place as the order indicates. If that means the guests amuse themselves for 2 hours or go on a ride, so be it.

Thank you, yes I only seem him a few times a year but he causes me grief in other ways when he is able. When this first happened and he was actually showing up, he used to come to where I lived and video tape activity around the property. He would show up with cameras and make a huge scene in front of my neighbors. It was hard enough being here with no family, but also not being 'from here' made it all the more difficult to even make new friends or find a job. Who wants to be attached to that drama.I really appreciate your comments. I am super grateful to everyone for responding to my post. Thank you, this is a great forum.

 

[army judge]

Wow, that is awesome! I bet what you have written are amazing tales and your children will be grateful. That is super cool. And thank you for your suggestions I will think about it. I actually started once before, this may sound a little strange but I have a difficult time chronologically putting the events that have occurred in the right order. I'm not sure if it's because I am traumatized by what has happened or I have just blocked some things out. I do want to share this story, I wouldn't wish this on anyone ever. It has ruined me emotionally, although I do feel so grateful that I landed primary and have been able to spend this time with my son, that I would never change. Thank you!!

Writing is therapeutic for me and many others.
Heck, you could journal it just for your eyes only.
The chronology isn't as important as the feeling you get by telling YOUR STORY.

I tell my kids, you're writing your own autobiography everyday you live.

Be careful of what you do, because life rarely offers us Mulligans or "do overs".