Daughter falsely accused husband and I ...

S

Stacy Perkins

New Member
Jurisdiction
Missouri
My 14 year old step daughter has been known to tell many, many lies. About the last 6 months anytime she doesn't come straight home from school cause she went to a boys house instead, when we find out where she is she refuses to come home and says i hit her or I'm mean to her. Well usually it's pretty obvious that she hasn't been hit or hurt so they either make her come home or she stays with a friend for a night or 2 to chill out and calm down. Well ever since the first time she accused me of beating her and her dad took her to the hospital with the local cops I have completely backed away from any kind of punishments or telling her no or anything i pretty much hide out in my room. Well a week ago she got upset that her dad wouldnt let her go to her boyfriends at like 9 or 10PM. She started screaming and getting in his face so my husband attempted dto put her over his knee and spank her bottom. she was squirming and kicking and screaming at the top of her lungs, he swatted her 3 times, then she started kicking him and swinging on him and telling him that she was leaving, he put is arms around her holding her arms down at her side so she couldnt swing on him anymore, then sat down on the floor with his legs wrapped around hers so she couldnt kick him anymore, restraining her. she began screaming that she couldnt breathe so he let her go. She walked out of the house saying she needed to clear her head. She refused to come home that night but my husband knew where she was and knew she was safe so he let her stay to cool off for the night. The next day right as school got out i recieved a phone call to come to the school. My daughter called the abuse hotline and said that her dad touches her, and we abuse her, and do drugs and all kinds of things. She had bruises on her legs from her dad wrapping his legs around her the night before trying to get her to stop kicking, he wasnt thinking and he had his work boots on so there was bruising apparently. So they activated some safety plan thing and took my other 4 children out of our home and placed them at my sisters (thankfully) instead of with strangers. They took my daughter to children's mercy for an exam of the bruises and stuff. This was a week ago this all happened and they are telling us that we will have to do random drug testing, that we will have 2 hours from the time they call to get to a certain juvenile office in a town near where we live, that they are going to need to do weekly home visits, the other kids where supposed to be having some forensic questioning done and this is supposed to be just the beginning steps of our kids getting to come home. They still have not set up a time for my sister to take the kids for the questioning, the lady that has talked to us couldnt tell my husband what was in our daughters medical exam cause she hadn't even looked at it she said. How can they force us to go through all this crap and still not have the kids back home on false allegations. she has a history of telling these kinds of stories and all kinds of other stories. They have not arrested my husband or I, They havent said there is any proof other than the bruises from the struggle the night before. I want my babies back but they havent even taken the first step on their end for that to happen, but I have 2 hours to get to this place and pee, and i have to let a complete stranger invade my private home every week and do walk throughs and stuff??? Please please help My youngest is turning 5 in just a little over a week and a half and i would really like to be able to see her to celebrate or at this point even be able to tell her i love her, all of them, we cant have any contact so that we dont like intimidate their questioning or something, i cant even tell them good night, sweet dreams lady bug, and tator bug and LJ (thats what i tell them at bedtime) and now i cant see them or talk to them or anything? PLEASE PLEASE HELP!!!
 
Well, you're going to have to jump through the hoops, I'm afraid. Frankly, even "trying" to spank a 14yo is going to raise red flags for social services. It's just not an appropriate form of punishment, tbh.

So many questions in my mind - where is Mom? How long has Dad had custody? What sort of parenting time does Mom have? Have you all given any thought to family counseling?

But, in your shoes? I'd be consulting with a lawyer.
 
Stacy Perkins said:
My 14 year old step daughter has been known to tell many, many lies. About the last 6 months anytime she doesn't come straight home from school cause she went to a boys house instead, when we find out where she is she refuses to come home and says i hit her or I'm mean to her.
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Sadly, many teenagers embark upon rebellion against parental authority and use lies to gain whatever it is the parents are alleged to have denied the minor.

Some parents claim that family counseling can help heal wounds.

Many parents seek legal advice through the local prosecutor or defense attorneys.

Other parents believe pastoral counseling and prayer will bring peace to the family unit.

You and your spouse should huddle and come up with a solution to save your child.

There are many resources out there, you can start your search by reaching out to the school counselor, mental health professionals, medical practitioners, drug counselors, religious sects to see what they offer, elder relatives, or anyone you THINK can help.

Good luck, I hope you gain the peace you all deserve.
 
army judge said:
Sadly, many teenagers embark upon rebellion against parental authority and use lies to gain whatever it is the parents are alleged to have denied the minor.

Some parents claim that family counseling can help heal wounds.

Many parents seek legal advice through the local prosecutor or defense attorneys.

Other parents believe pastoral counseling and prayer will bring peace to the family unit.

You and your spouse should huddle and come up with a solution to save your child.

There are many resources out there, you can start your search by reaching out to the school counselor, mental health professionals, medical practitioners, drug counselors, religious sects to see what they offer, elder relatives, or anyone you THINK can help.

Good luck, I hope you gain the peace you all deserve.
Click to expand...
Very often, when parents split, one or the other - sometimes both - step back from actual parenting. Poor grades, bad behavior are excused - sometimes inadvertently encouraged. The parent creates the "monster", as it were. Then, when a partner is brought into the mix, said parent has their eyes opened to their "darling's" behavior... And it's the step's fault in the eyes of the child. It's a shame, IMO.
 
Stacy Perkins said:
My 14 year old step daughter has been known to tell many, many lies. About the last 6 months anytime she doesn't come straight home from school cause she went to a boys house instead, when we find out where she is she refuses to come home and says i hit her or I'm mean to her. Well usually it's pretty obvious that she hasn't been hit or hurt so they either make her come home or she stays with a friend for a night or 2 to chill out and calm down. Well ever since the first time she accused me of beating her and her dad took her to the hospital with the local cops I have completely backed away from any kind of punishments or telling her no or anything i pretty much hide out in my room. Well a week ago she got upset that her dad wouldnt let her go to her boyfriends at like 9 or 10PM. She started screaming and getting in his face so my husband attempted dto put her over his knee and spank her bottom. she was squirming and kicking and screaming at the top of her lungs, he swatted her 3 times, then she started kicking him and swinging on him and telling him that she was leaving, he put is arms around her holding her arms down at her side so she couldnt swing on him anymore, then sat down on the floor with his legs wrapped around hers so she couldnt kick him anymore, restraining her. she began screaming that she couldnt breathe so he let her go. She walked out of the house saying she needed to clear her head. She refused to come home that night but my husband knew where she was and knew she was safe so he let her stay to cool off for the night. The next day right as school got out i recieved a phone call to come to the school. My daughter called the abuse hotline and said that her dad touches her, and we abuse her, and do drugs and all kinds of things. She had bruises on her legs from her dad wrapping his legs around her the night before trying to get her to stop kicking, he wasnt thinking and he had his work boots on so there was bruising apparently. So they activated some safety plan thing and took my other 4 children out of our home and placed them at my sisters (thankfully) instead of with strangers. They took my daughter to children's mercy for an exam of the bruises and stuff. This was a week ago this all happened and they are telling us that we will have to do random drug testing, that we will have 2 hours from the time they call to get to a certain juvenile office in a town near where we live, that they are going to need to do weekly home visits, the other kids where supposed to be having some forensic questioning done and this is supposed to be just the beginning steps of our kids getting to come home. They still have not set up a time for my sister to take the kids for the questioning, the lady that has talked to us couldnt tell my husband what was in our daughters medical exam cause she hadn't even looked at it she said. How can they force us to go through all this crap and still not have the kids back home on false allegations. she has a history of telling these kinds of stories and all kinds of other stories. They have not arrested my husband or I, They havent said there is any proof other than the bruises from the struggle the night before. I want my babies back but they havent even taken the first step on their end for that to happen, but I have 2 hours to get to this place and pee, and i have to let a complete stranger invade my private home every week and do walk throughs and stuff??? Please please help My youngest is turning 5 in just a little over a week and a half and i would really like to be able to see her to celebrate or at this point even be able to tell her i love her, all of them, we cant have any contact so that we dont like intimidate their questioning or something, i cant even tell them good night, sweet dreams lady bug, and tator bug and LJ (thats what i tell them at bedtime) and now i cant see them or talk to them or anything? PLEASE PLEASE HELP!!!
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It went from "spanking" to a beating when he bruised her legs up. Yeah, lawyer up.
 
I strongly suspect that this action plan that you described is completely voluntary. I am curious what you have been told that makes you think that you are obligated to abide by it.
If the incidents that you described are true, there is nothing about it, regardless of the bruises, that amounts to child abuse.
There is also nothing wrong with the father attempting to spank the child, regardless of her age.
I believe you have a lot more control over this situation than you realize. Get your house back in order, and keep Social Services out. If Social Services has enough information to take any action without your consent then they will do so, and that will typically involve action from the court which you did not mention.
 
Mightymoose I often agree with you on your posts, but this one I just can't.... Going to go a bit personal here....not legal.....

Having been a child that was spanked often (anytime any one of 6 of us did anything my mom or dad considered "bad" ... and backhanded across my face at age 18 and I was a really good kid honestly -- top female grad in my HS of 600 graduates, college degree, marriage and 3 kids of my own and 25 yrs in HR) and a parent who did at times spank one of my children when it was the only way to get their attention (so don't hear me as anti-spanking), there comes a time were a child is too old to be placed over a knee to be spanked on the bottom and then to be wrestled down to get bruises no matter how the child was reacting. To the point of this daughter reporting abuse and going to a hospital with bruises? I believe that is before age 14 especially in an opposite gender role. Bending over to be paddled? Maybe, but placing a 14yr old girl across a male's lap to be "spanked"? Really? Mom here even admits this is exactly what happened and it's not been made up by this step-daughter. The dad is the parent here and failed to control his own anger and frustration.

It sounds like this whole family could benefit from some outside help on how to deal with situations that escalate to this level. Maybe should have happened prior to this escalation.

I do think it's a bit sad that OP isn't seeing anything wrong with this situation or the safety issues for this or the other 4 kids. But wants to defend her husband. I wish she could see what she wrote from the outside in....
 
Zigner said:
From a legal perspective, that may be true, however, if such an "attempt" leaves bruising, then it goes beyond reasonable.
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It isn't that cut and dry. Bruising may just as easily have been a result of the girl's own actions. It doesn't automatically mean abuse.
What is described here is an incorrigible youth, not child abuse.
 
army judge said:


"If you failed to parent a child at age 6, you can't correct the child at age 16."
― Jesse Jackson
Click to expand...
THIS! Behavior that is "naughty" (and lets face it - often cute) at 2/3/4 is not so much at 12/13/14
>oops
I don't claim to be a perfect parent - none of us are - but I did start setting expectations early on. A big one was - do not embarrass yourself or me in public. Need to let your hair down and cry, scream, carry on? As soon as we walk in the door - it's a safe space. I also didn't have a ton of rules, but the main one was that we all treat one another with respect. (LOL I think that was the first joint essay I made my kids write for me.) So when they got to the teen years "where are you going? Who will you be with? When will you be home?" were understood to be less intrusive, but common courtesy - because *I* provided the same info when I went out. Even now, at 28 & 30 when they visit - I get a text when they are home safely. And they get the same from me.
 
Last edited:
Stacy Perkins said:
My 14 year old step daughter has been known to tell many, many lies. About the last 6 months anytime she doesn't come straight home from school cause she went to a boys house instead, when we find out where she is she refuses to come home and says i hit her or I'm mean to her. Well usually it's pretty obvious that she hasn't been hit or hurt so they either make her come home or she stays with a friend for a night or 2 to chill out and calm down. Well ever since the first time she accused me of beating her and her dad took her to the hospital with the local cops I have completely backed away from any kind of punishments or telling her no or anything i pretty much hide out in my room. Well a week ago she got upset that her dad wouldnt let her go to her boyfriends at like 9 or 10PM. She started screaming and getting in his face so my husband attempted dto put her over his knee and spank her bottom. she was squirming and kicking and screaming at the top of her lungs, he swatted her 3 times, then she started kicking him and swinging on him and telling him that she was leaving, he put is arms around her holding her arms down at her side so she couldnt swing on him anymore, then sat down on the floor with his legs wrapped around hers so she couldnt kick him anymore, restraining her. she began screaming that she couldnt breathe so he let her go. She walked out of the house saying she needed to clear her head. She refused to come home that night but my husband knew where she was and knew she was safe so he let her stay to cool off for the night. The next day right as school got out i recieved a phone call to come to the school. My daughter called the abuse hotline and said that her dad touches her, and we abuse her, and do drugs and all kinds of things. She had bruises on her legs from her dad wrapping his legs around her the night before trying to get her to stop kicking, he wasnt thinking and he had his work boots on so there was bruising apparently. So they activated some safety plan thing and took my other 4 children out of our home and placed them at my sisters (thankfully) instead of with strangers. They took my daughter to children's mercy for an exam of the bruises and stuff. This was a week ago this all happened and they are telling us that we will have to do random drug testing, that we will have 2 hours from the time they call to get to a certain juvenile office in a town near where we live, that they are going to need to do weekly home visits, the other kids where supposed to be having some forensic questioning done and this is supposed to be just the beginning steps of our kids getting to come home. They still have not set up a time for my sister to take the kids for the questioning, the lady that has talked to us couldnt tell my husband what was in our daughters medical exam cause she hadn't even looked at it she said. How can they force us to go through all this crap and still not have the kids back home on false allegations. she has a history of telling these kinds of stories and all kinds of other stories. They have not arrested my husband or I, They havent said there is any proof other than the bruises from the struggle the night before. I want my babies back but they havent even taken the first step on their end for that to happen, but I have 2 hours to get to this place and pee, and i have to let a complete stranger invade my private home every week and do walk throughs and stuff??? Please please help My youngest is turning 5 in just a little over a week and a half and i would really like to be able to see her to celebrate or at this point even be able to tell her i love her, all of them, we cant have any contact so that we dont like intimidate their questioning or something, i cant even tell them good night, sweet dreams lady bug, and tator bug and LJ (thats what i tell them at bedtime) and now i cant see them or talk to them or anything? PLEASE PLEASE HELP!!!
Click to expand...

The spanking and restraining wasn't the best idea. I'll tell you if anyone, even my parents, tried to spank me when I was 14 I would have fought back. Thankfully my parents didn't have to resort to any form of striking us to teach any sort of discipline.

The fact is that she does have bruises on her from the spanking and restraining so you're going to have to do what CPS wants to get the kids back. You said it was only a week ago...perhaps the drug abuse and sexual abuse allegations are false but she did have bruises so of course they have to take all her allegations seriously.

I suggest once this is done - or actually even before - your teenager needs to get some kind mental/behavioral health treatment. Have you ever even tried to talk to her to find out if there's something else going on? Kids don't just all of a sudden act out. Something causes it. If she won't talk to you, you need to get her to someone she will talk to so she can stop her behavior and learn healthy ways of coping with stress.
 
mightymoose said:
I strongly suspect that this action plan that you described is completely voluntary. I am curious what you have been told that makes you think that you are obligated to abide by it.
If the incidents that you described are true, there is nothing about it, regardless of the bruises, that amounts to child abuse.
There is also nothing wrong with the father attempting to spank the child, regardless of her age.
I believe you have a lot more control over this situation than you realize. Get your house back in order, and keep Social Services out. If Social Services has enough information to take any action without your consent then they will do so, and that will typically involve action from the court which you did not mention.
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Corporal punishment in the home is only allowed as long as it's "reasonable" and doesn't leave any marks. The fact that she has bruises from the restraint - it's going to be seen as abuse.

Also spanking is not necessary and is a ridiculous form of "punishment." There is absolutely everything wrong with a person spanking their child at any age. If you think spanking is an acceptable form of discipline, you wouldn't mind if any job you worked at in your life, your employer was allowed to spank you if you messed up and they had to issue disciplinary action right?

Spanking is weak, cowardly and lazy parenting. It's just that simple. All it does it make a kid want to hit back and to think that violence is how you solve things - or it to just fear their parents.

If my parents had ever attempted to spank me at any age, I definitely would have fought back as would any person. Thankfully my parents didn't have to do that and my dad could discipline us without putting his hands on us.
 
leslie82 said:
Corporal punishment in the home is only allowed as long as it's "reasonable" and doesn't leave any marks.
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That isn't entirely accurate. What is reasonable is very subjective. Regardless of age, spanking with an open hand is widely accepted as allowable discipline. It isn't for everyone, but the spanking here really is not an issue. Same is true for a mother who slaps her disrespectful teenage son across his face.

Marks/bruising can be an issue, but it depends how those marks were made. Here, the information we have is that the Mark's were a result of attempting to restrain an incorrigible child who was acting out. As described, this hardly rises to a level that shocks the conscience. The child caused the bruises by being a brat, not the adult. There is plenty of supporting information that makes that obvious. This seems a weak abuse case, but they will certainly investigate it.

As described, it appears likely that these parents voluntarily complied with social services. They can revoke that consent at will. They most likely could bring their kids home today if they wanted and give a big middle finger to social services. If social services doesn't like that then they will have to get a judge involved to remove the kids. In my experience, if they had enough to make that happen they would have done that to begin with.

Unless a lot of relevant information is missing, there was no reason to remove those other children. It is unfortunate more people don't exercise their right to say no when state agencies want to involve themselves.
 
mightymoose said:
Unless a lot of relevant information is missing, there was no reason to remove those other children. It is unfortunate more people don't exercise their right to say no when state agencies want to involve themselves.
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You are correct, sir.

Due process still applies and is available to everyone.

If you are being accused, don't meekly surrender.

Take the fight to court, and make sure you avail yourself of due process under our laws.
 
Given the posters name and what google comes up with when you combine it with spanking, I suspect we're being trolled.

And it's "me" not "I" in the subject line. The pronoun appears as the object of accused.
 
mightymoose said:
That isn't entirely accurate. What is reasonable is very subjective. Regardless of age, spanking with an open hand is widely accepted as allowable discipline. It isn't for everyone, but the spanking here really is not an issue. Same is true for a mother who slaps her disrespectful teenage son across his face.

Marks/bruising can be an issue, but it depends how those marks were made. Here, the information we have is that the Mark's were a result of attempting to restrain an incorrigible child who was acting out. As described, this hardly rises to a level that shocks the conscience. The child caused the bruises by being a brat, not the adult. There is plenty of supporting information that makes that obvious. This seems a weak abuse case, but they will certainly investigate it.

As described, it appears likely that these parents voluntarily complied with social services. They can revoke that consent at will. They most likely could bring their kids home today if they wanted and give a big middle finger to social services. If social services doesn't like that then they will have to get a judge involved to remove the kids. In my experience, if they had enough to make that happen they would have done that to begin with.

Unless a lot of relevant information is missing, there was no reason to remove those other children. It is unfortunate more people don't exercise their right to say no when state agencies want to involve themselves.
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" Corporal punishment is technically legal in all 50 states. Statutes vary from state to state but generally say that the physical punishment must be reasonable or not excessive, although Delaware passed a law in 2012 that said it couldn't cause any injury or pain."

That's what I always remember when this topic comes up.

I know spanking is legal in the US; however, that doesn't mean it's ethical or right. Lots of things are legal that aren't always ethical. There's plenty of countries where spanking is illegal and plenty of studies that show there is not one positive aspect of spanking children. At all. There's no positive aspect to hitting any child. Again, would any adult let their employer discipline them by striking them in any manner? Nope. But it's ok to strike children in the name of "discipline." That has never and will never make sense and plenty of people can and do discipline their children without hitting or striking them in any way.

Yes people can say no to CPS and don't realize they can - and there's plenty of cases to show CPS can be corrupt and has wrongly removed children. I think most people can agree on that.
 

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