baby on the way; mother will not have anything to do with me

[Proserpina]

Gosh, no kidding!

In this case though I really do think OP was somewhat..screwed. No pun intended. Evidently she didn't bother telling him she was married until after the uh...dalliance, if you will.

 

[CdwJava]

Gosh, no kidding!

In this case though I really do think OP was somewhat..screwed. No pun intended. Evidently she didn't bother telling him she was married until after the uh...dalliance, if you will.

Being a guy ... at least, before I was married ... I can say that the OP likely either did not ask, did not care, or refused to heed the clues. It's like dating someone in their teens when you are not - you know, you just choose NOT to know.

MAYBE the OP was snowed ... maybe. But, I find that hard to believe. And if this was a one night hook-up, then I'd categorize it as he didn't care.

It's admirable that he wants to be involved in his child's life, but such involvement is also likely to break up another home - maybe with other children - and make things difficult for everyone. Whether that is better for the child than to be presumed the child of her husband is a value judgment I will leave to each individual. But, if it turns out that the baby is the husband's, what will have been gained by breaking up this home?

Bottom line is that no one should have such dalliance until or unless they are prepared to deal with a child.

And, yes, I am essentially a Puritan. Darn that morality! :angel

 

[ohburymenot]

Being a guy ... at least, before I was married ... I can say that the OP likely either did not ask, did not care, or refused to heed the clues. It's like dating someone in their teens when you are not - you know, you just choose NOT to know.

MAYBE the OP was snowed ... maybe. But, I find that hard to believe. And if this was a one night hook-up, then I'd categorize it as he didn't care.

It's admirable that he wants to be involved in his child's life, but such involvement is also likely to break up another home - maybe with other children - and make things difficult for everyone. Whether that is better for the child than to be presumed the child of her husband is a value judgment I will leave to each individual. But, if it turns out that the baby is the husband's, what will have been gained by breaking up this home?

Bottom line is that no one should have such dalliance until or unless they are prepared to deal with a child.

And, yes, I am essentially a Puritan. Darn that morality! :angel

It is not as you say. I had very good reason to believe that she was not, and never was married. It was a surprise. Nor was it a one night stand. We dated for about 2 months. I thought that it was really going somewhere. Nevertheless, your point is taken about being prepared for this outcome if one engages in such behavior. I went wrong there, for sure.

Now, as far as the child is concerned...are you suggesting that I should not fight for paternal rights in this case, because if the child is not mine, it could make matters worse? I had not considered that.

 

[Proserpina]

CWD makes a valid point.

But if memory serves me correctly your ex informed you that she and her current husband are going through a divorce, correct?

If this is the case, I'd be far less concerned about splitting up a family. This family already appears to be breaking apart.

Ultimately, it's going to come down to the question of what YOU feel is the "right thing" to do. As I see it, you have a couple of options:

1) File to establish paternity. You may be Dad - in which case you get the joys and the pain of raising a child (and I say that with much fondness - I love my kids, but they piss me off at times ).

2) Allow your ex's husband to remain the legal father, do nothing and go on with your life.


The issue I see with 2) is that you're always going to be wondering "what if".

On a very personal note, I believe that - given the situation where Mom and her husband are apparently intending to divorce - you have nothing to lose. Above all, we have to consider what is in the best interests of this child...and with a few exceptions, I believe the child should know the identity of his or her father.

 

[CdwJava]

It is not as you say. I had very good reason to believe that she was not, and never was married. It was a surprise. Nor was it a one night stand. We dated for about 2 months. I thought that it was really going somewhere.

Yet, while you were dating, I assume you never went to her place, never spent the night in her home, etc. I imagine there were signs had you wanted to heed them. If you did go to her home you likely would have seen signs of a male cohabitant, correct? Unless, of course, she was already separated.

Now, as far as the child is concerned...are you suggesting that I should not fight for paternal rights in this case, because if the child is not mine, it could make matters worse? I had not considered that.

It is a consideration ... I am not saying that is what you SHOULD do, only that what is best for the child should be considered. And, perhaps, for any other children.

Yes, she made a decision to break the covenant of her marriage vows. But, is it in the best interest of the child to bring this infidelity into the open? If the child is his, he will be aware of the infidelity and that child will be raised by a single mom (or dad) in a broken home with bitter and angry parents. If it is yours, other children may suffer, it will still likely be raised by a single mom (or dad) and a broken home. One school of thought would be that the child would be better off in a stable environment with a loving father, regardless of whether or not he is the sperm donor.

Now, I am not saying it is wrong to seek paternity. I am only saying that there is a lot to weigh here. If I were in your shoes, I would be considering just what you are. But, I think everyone has to ask what will the end result of this pursuit for paternity be, and will the end result be in the best interest of the baby to be, or of any other children that might currently be part of this dysfunctional marriage.

 

[Proserpina]

Hey Dog...Excellent advice as always!!!

Aw shucks, Bay! Thank you

 

[Proserpina]

Hmmm...something else occurred to me.

Does her husband actually KNOW that he may not be the child's father? I may have to edit my post

 

[ohburymenot]

she is and has been separated from her husband for at least a year.

no other children in the picture that I know about.

 

[CdwJava]

she is and has been separated from her husband for at least a year.

no other children in the picture that I know about.

If so, then you likely have nothing to lose by seeking paternity, and the child may have everything to gain.

 

[Proserpina]

Then all of my previous posts stand

And ditto CWD's last post!

 

[ohburymenot]

what exactly will happen if I file for the Virginia Putative Father registery? What will happen next? Will they contact the mother, or will it stay private unless I file a custody/paternity suit?

the reason I ask is because I would rather that she and I could work out a paternity test privately without the courts involved, primarily because she is apparently still married. But she won't return my calls. Last I heard from her she didn't seem to be so sure it was mine anymore, but she has changed her story so many times.

I am concerned that if I file with the registery it will launch the whole thing into the courts immediatly, rather than giving her and I a chance to work it out without the courts. Maybe I am being too nice, I don't know. Obviously if the child is mine and I am the biological father I will be responsible for child support, but she doesn't seem to want to press the issue at this point, so I am not so sure I should either.

But I really want to know what will happen, step by step, if I file the registery.

 

[Proserpina]

what exactly will happen if I file for the Virginia Putative Father registery? What will happen next? Will they contact the mother, or will it stay private unless I file a custody/paternity suit?

the reason I ask is because I would rather that she and I could work out a paternity test privately without the courts involved, primarily because she is apparently still married. But she won't return my calls. Last I heard from her she didn't seem to be so sure it was mine anymore, but she has changed her story so many times.

I am concerned that if I file with the registery it will launch the whole thing into the courts immediatly, rather than giving her and I a chance to work it out without the courts. Maybe I am being too nice, I don't know. Obviously if the child is mine and I am the biological father I will be responsible for child support, but she doesn't seem to want to press the issue at this point, so I am not so sure I should either.

But I really want to know what will happen, step by step, if I file the registery.

I'm incredibly curious now. You first posted in January...it's now mid July.

Isn't she almost about due?!

Why on earth haven't you done something about this already?!

That aside, to answer your questions:

A private paternity test is not legally binding and will not be recognized by the courts. You will NOT be considered the legal father unless and until the court disestablishes her husband's presumptive paternity.


The putative father registry is moot at this point.

 

[ohburymenot]

She had the baby recently. It was premature, but apparently is healthy and doing well, as is the mother.

The last time she and I spoke in Feb. of this year, she promised me a paternity test once the baby was born. I only heard from her once since then. She apparently is back with her husband and wants nothing to do with me, which I understand, but at one point in time she swore up and down that the baby was mine, and now has changed her mind completely. In my mind I have gone from acceptance to denial and back again 20,000 times, always hoping that she would just allow a private paternity test and go from there.

I have also never been able to get a satisfactory explanation of the V.P.F and exactly what the point of it is. I have called the Registry several times and each time I call, I get different explanations. My current understanding is that it is a protective measure against adoption, but I have also been told it is the required 1st step to a paternity suit. I have also been told that is not true. All these conflicting answers coming from different branches of the Virginia gov't (DSS, VPR Helpline, etc).

My point is that I don't want to put something legal into effect - unless it is a last resort, which is the point where I am finding myself. I feel this way mainly because I have no funds for attorneys and I am trying to be sensitive to the fact that she is married. Remember, if it is my child, he is in the custody of one person who I hardly know and one total stranger, and I have not wanted to go throwing my weight around in the legal system, antagonizing the situation.

At this point, I am in the process of filling out the online submission form, but I have put it on hold until I can get someone to explain it to me, not only in the small details, but also in all the potential fall-out that could ensue. I am still within the 10 day window, but time is running out quick.

 

[ohburymenot]

I understand the fact that private DNA tests do not establish custody / paternal rights, etc, but if a good quality test comes back negative, why pursue it in the courts?

 

[army judge]

I understand the fact that private DNA tests do not establish custody / paternal rights, etc, but if a good quality test comes back negative, why pursue it in the courts?

If she's married, the baby already has a legal father, her husband.
That complicates things for ALL of you!
This could be why she is reluctant to speak with you about this matter.
No matter what happens, people are going to be hurt, and maybe a marriage will be destroyed.
However, The Good Ship Wisdom sailed months ago, didn't she? :dunno:
My heart goes out to all of you.
Please, choose wisely, because if you aren't the father more hurt will be dished out unnecessarily.

That is precisely why your statement above overflows with common sense. :yes:

What is the Registry?

The Virginia Putative Father Registry is a confidential database. The purpose of the registry is to protect the rights of a putative father who wants to be notified in the event of a proceeding for adoption of, or termination of parental rights for a child he may have fathered.

You are Considered a Putative Father if:

* You are not married to the child's mother; or
* A court has not determined that you are the child's father; or
* You have not signed a written agreement acknowledging you are the child's father; or
* You have not adopted the child.

Why Register?

* To not miss out on the opportunity to play an important role in your child's life
* Timely registration entitles you to notification of termination of parental rights or adoption proceedings for a child you may have fathered
* To assist in the process to establish paternity but does not start the legal to establish paternity

How Virginia Protects Putative Father Rights

image of a father and son along with the caption 'Think you're a father' When a putative father registers with the Virginia Putative Father Registry, and his registration information matches a request, the authorized requestor is responsible to notify the putative father of termination of parental rights and/or adoption proceedings .

http://www.dss.virginia.gov/family/ap/putative_fatherhood.html

http://www.dss.virginia.gov/family/ap/putative_brochure.pdf

 

[ohburymenot]

Exactly right, Army Judge. When I met her, she was living with a friend near my house, with absolutely no evidence of being married. A few weeks later, she tells me she is married, but going through a divorce. Then she tells me she is pregnant, and the kid is mine. All this in a few weeks time. Then, she vanishes.

I have found out that she and her husband are back together, the divorce (if it was ever really in progress) never happened, and they are trying to work it out. She told me one thing about her marriage, and months later, I heard a totally different story - not sure which one is true, and I guess it really is none of my business anyway, but it's all very confusing.

So, the baby has a dad, and for all I know, he could be the real dad. In the eyes of the law as I understand it, no divorce would have been granted to a pregnant woman, and even if she finalized the divorce when she said she was going to, it would have been within 300 days of her having the kid, so I think she realized her husband was going to have some kind of role no matter what.

That is why I don't want to stir things up right now. It is hard to deal with; that I might have a child out there, and I am not doing anything about it. But even if the baby is mine, it is also part hers. And technically, the responsibility of her husband at this point. And like you said, it is also possible, quite possible, that the baby is NOT mine, and then where does all this lead?

Let's say some time passes 6mo to a year - and I have not filed with the VPR. Let's say that their marriage doesn't last, and she finds herself single and goes looking for the baby's real dad. At that point in time, could she find me and could a paternity suit be brought into the picture? I am not saying I would refuse her - I would be happy if she came looking for me and wanted to know the truth. But in that scenario, it would be in her timing not mine.

I also struggle with the fact that what if this is my child and I do nothing now, and years go by and they find out the truth - that their real dad did nothing to try to find them and start a relationship with them. How crushing would that be? How terrible would it be for that child to grow up being told that their father was unknown and didn't care? Because I do care, but I don't know what to do. I know that making a snap decision now can have monumental effects later. This whole scenario - if nothing else - has clearly taught me that.

 

[godschild]

dont scare off

continue with what conversation she gives that way she may stay in contact.Then when the child is born you will have some idea where she is and petion the court for paternity. once this is establish then worried about right and the visitations

I began a romantic relationship a few months ago. The woman is now pregnant. The relationship has not worked out how I wanted it to, i.e. the woman is now shutting me out of her life.

The pregnancy is coming along ok, but she has all but broken off contact with me. Come to find out (after the relationship was started) she tells me she is in fact married and going through a divorce. I was shocked.

I do not know what the condition of her marriage is or what her true motives were to enter into a relationship with me, but I now have the following concerns:

1. If I am indeed the father of the child (and all signs point to this fact), what rights do I have to fight for the paternity of the child once he/she is born?

2. How will her marriage / divorce situation affect my ability to claim or fight for paternal rights?

3. If in fact the child is mine, what preparations do I have to make, legally speaking, to file for custody or any kind of parenting rights?

4. she has indicated that she may leave the state we currently reside in to have the child, so - do I have to investigate the laws of the state where she resides or the state where the baby is delivered?

Thank you.

 

[drewhoo]

I have to say from very painful experience of my own and am living right now, walk away. Count yourself lucky to be able to. I know it sux and is a raw deal believe me, my daughter is the love of my life and I haven't seen her in 9 months and she is nearly 5 years old. Dude, walk away please, you will only hurt yourself and maybe permanently if you pursue. Advice from a man that is living it.