First of all this situation was resolved (relatively) amicably between my son and his bio mom last night. The end result being that he is going for 2 more days than he originally wanted, and 3 days less than what bio mom wanted.
My son learned several key lessons through this process that will help him through his adult years. He learned the art of negotiation and the helpfulness of compromise. He learned that he can love someone, even though he doesn't like the way they behave (she lied to him repeatedly throughout the conversation – and he knew it – and called her on it). He learned how to recognize when he is being manipulated through false tears and even falser promises. He learned how to control his anger and resentment and stand up for himself in a calm, rational, respectful and adult manner.
Most importantly, he now is looking forward to going on this visit and spending time with his bio mom – instead of resenting her and the entire visit. I personally think that is the best result all of us involved could hope for. I am extremely proud of him.
In response to Duranie:
Thank you for taking the time to respond. However, I found your response obvious and completely unhelpful. I am quite aware of my obligations as the custodial parent – and the subsequent consequences of not fulfilling them. I am not, nor have I ever tried to keep my son from visiting his bio mother. I was seeking advice on how to help my 17 ½ year old son. After reading your brilliant insight, I continued my research and found this gem on a LAWYERS website (Kinsey Law) which I did find most helpful and thought it might be of interest to others facing similar situations:
Implementing a visitation order necessarily turns upon the custodial parent's ability to make the child available for visitation. A custodial parent probably has sufficient control over a child of "tender years" to compel the child to visit with the other parent under the terms of the court order; and the custodial parent's failure to comply would thus be punishable by contempt.
But the rule is otherwise as to teenagers. Technically, teenage children remain subject to their parents' control until age 18 or marriage (see Ca Fam § 7505). Nonetheless, if a teenage child refuses to visit with the noncustodial parent per the terms of a court order through no fault of the custodial parent, the noncustodial parent is probably left without a remedy. Simply stated, it is unclear how the custodial parent would have the ability to force the child to visit. [See Coursey v. Super.Ct. (Coursey) (1987) 194 Cal.App.3d 147, 154-156, 239 Cal.Rptr. 365, 369-370--court erred in holding mother in contempt for violation of visitation order re 14-year-old child because no showing mother had ability to compel child to visit]
In addition, I found the following on several LAWYERS website:
Modification Of Child Visitation Orders:
Child visitation orders may be modified at any time before the visitation orders terminate as long as the party moving for the modification can show that there has been a change in circumstances affecting the welfare of the child(ren) since the last order.
Such changes in circumstances include (but are by no means limited to):
o Change in residence of one of the parents. (This may require a motion for a "move-away order")
o
The desire of an older child to increase or decrease visitation.
o Evidence of abuse of a child.
o Alteration of the child(ren)'s school schedule
In summary, there apparently are options available for a 17 ½ year old, which do not always result in their custodial parent being held in contempt.
In response to BayState:
Thank you for taking the time to be snarky. Clearly there was no intent on your behalf to be helpful – but you did give me a good laugh.
YOU ASKED: Why on EARTH would you allow your son to dictate terms to his MOTHER?
Have you ever raised a teenager? Tell me, how exactly do you a force a 6' – 200 lb young man into a car let alone an airplane. This is a case of learning how to negotiate and compromise - so that the visit is an enjoyable, pleasant experience for both parties. Not one that is filled with so much resentment that he might refuse to go at all. Furthermore, allowing his bio mom to forcefully "dictate" this summer schedule so close to him becoming 18 – could have resulted in a complete estrangement in just a few short months. My son successfully turned this into a Win/Win situation.
YOU EMPHASIZED "MOTHER": Yes, she is indeed his bio mother. We recognize this fact. But, she is not his "Mom" That would be my wife, who has raised him, cared for him and been there for him every day since he was two. He has turned out to be a fantastic, thoughtful, sweet young man because of my wife and I. Not because of the one weekend a year visits from bio mom (from the time he was 2 until he turned 10). As my son said last night to my wife: "You are my mom, she's my mother but she's more like an aunt to me. She just tries to buy my love, she's never there for me." There is more to being a Mom – then just giving birth.
YOU SAID: Your son is being selfish.
Seriously. Selfish? I think not. Despite Bio moms excellent and continuous example of being selfish, my son is the sweetest, most caring, thoughtful and forgiving person I know. This is despite bio moms kidnapping of him on 3 occasions during his first two years of life, followed by 8 years of almost complete abandonment, followed by her moving into our state for a year, then her moving away from him AGAIN - back across country to follow a man (a year later). He has always shown her love and respect. Much more than I personally think she deserves. A lot of kids would have tried to call it quits a long time ago. But not my boy. Selfish? No. But I do think that if you are going to hand out "advise" or make derogatory comments you should seek more information about the situation in the future before you jump to conclusions.
YOU SAID: A court order is a ORDER. Not a suggestion.
You think? However, that doesn't mean that you can't AGREE to change the terms of the court order to fit the current situation. Which is exactly what successfully occurred.
