Travel job and custody agreement

[Alyssa5789]

Jurisdiction

North Carolina

My husband and I have joint legal and physical custody of my step daughter. We have her Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and every other Saturday. It has always been this way (50/50) my husband is a nurse and is contemplating accepting a travel position which would mean he would take different assignments, at various places, ranging anywhere from 6-13 weeks in duration. Our question is- in our state would her biological mother have any grounds to take our time away if my husband is traveling? I am her step mother and have been for 4.5 of the 5.5 years she has been alive. She has a step sister two months younger, a half baby brother and another half sibling on the way here. We have a very stable and consistent schedule. Thank you in advance for any advice.

 

[KatDini]

We don't have time. If your husband is not present to exercise his parenting time, then Mom does not have to send Daughter to his house. Legally, you and your children do not matter in Mom and Dad's court orders about their daughter.

 

[Michael Wechsler]

We really don't know the details of what is contained within the court order concerning the child custody arrangement. I can't speak to specifically any law in your state as I am not licensed to practice. In general, the "best interests of the child" standard is paramount and used. And the fact is that even if her biological father may not be home part of the time, your home has been your stepdaughter's home half the time for 5 years. It also includes a blood relation (half brother.) While I'm not primarily a family law attorney, you don't need to be one to appreciate that these are significant component parts in a child's life. It would seem disruptive and unnatural to deprive the girl from her other family simply because your husband may not be around for part of the time. In addition, your role as her stepparent is also not insubstantial.

Absent other circumstances, I'd find it hard to believe that a court would want to willingly create a division of a child custody arrangement which has worked out harmoniously for many years. But the only way to know exactly what challenges you might face is by having a proper consultation with a family law attorney. Issues like these are usually very fact specific and take into account all the details of the situation.

 

[Alyssa5789]

Thank you for your response. I appreciate your not cutting down my role as her parent despite the fact that it is not "legally" recognized. What you said is how we have been viewing it, and we will be consulting with a lawyer before he formally accepts the position. We have a fairly basic and uncomplicated order in place. She spends half the week with us and half with her mother in her parents home. We rotate holidays. It states that if a party is to move (which it wouldn't be a "move" just a temporary relocation) revision of the custody arrangement would take place if the schedule of the child is to be disrupted. This is not the case as she would remain on the same schedule she has always been on. We are fortunate enough to have an amazing judge who saw through some lies presented by my step daughters mother and recognized that the best interest of our daughter was to remain in both homes equal time and not have that disturbed as she has a family here and a great relationship with myself, my husband and her siblings. I am fairly certain that if she were to take us back to court the judge would rule in our favor as it wouldn't be in the child's best interest to completely change her schedule and deprive her of her time with her siblings. Again, thank you for your input

 

[Michael Wechsler]

To begin, you do have a legal role. You are in a legally recognized domestic partnership, that being married to the custodial and biological parent. You have been a part of the child's life for five years and a parent to her.

What you've stated is unclear. What does "temporary relocation" mean? My understanding is that your residence will not be moving. The child will be attending the same school, sleeping in the same bed and living in the same home she has known. The fact that your husband may be gone for up to 3 months at a time (which is a long time) by itself doesn't seem to me to be a reason to disrupt what has been a harmonious existence for a long time. What exactly is the biological mother's reason for doing so - that spending time with her biological sibling and stepmother of 5 years but without her father is pointless and harmful? I can appreciate the concern and worried about the unknown. But unless there is more (and sometimes there is), I'd find it hard to believe that a child custody order would be modified.

Good luck with your consultation with your family law attorney and to your husband at his new job - and hopefully to the both of you with a new addition to your family.

 

[Alyssa5789]

To begin, you do have a legal role. You are in a legally recognized domestic partnership, that being married to the custodial and biological parent. You have been a part of the child's life for five years and a parent to her.

What you've stated is unclear. What does "temporary relocation" mean? My understanding is that your residence will not be moving. The child will be attending the same school, sleeping in the same bed and living in the same home she has known. The fact that your husband may be gone for up to 3 months at a time (which is a long time) by itself doesn't seem to me to be a reason to disrupt what has been a harmonious existence for a long time. What exactly is the biological mother's reason for doing so - that spending time with her biological sibling and stepmother of 5 years but without her father is pointless and harmful? I can appreciate the concern and worried about the unknown. But unless there is more (and sometimes there is), I'd find it hard to believe that a child custody order would be modified.

Good luck with your consultation with your family law attorney and to your husband at his new job - and hopefully to the both of you with a new addition to your family.

Oh yes, sorry for the confusion I meant a temporary relocation of my husband- which wouldn't affect her routine. Her mother doesn't know about this possible change yet- but we have a feeling that when she finds out she will try to go back to court. There is no other change other than that and we feel confident the judge would not change anything but like you said- fear of the unknown. She is very bitter and spiteful- as well as having her parents to foot her attorneys fees- which we believe will motivate her to return to court. Thank you very much for your best wishes!

 

[army judge]

Oh yes, sorry for the confusion I meant a temporary relocation of my husband- which wouldn't affect her routine. Her mother doesn't know about this possible change yet- but we have a feeling that when she finds out she will try to go back to court. There is no other change other than that and we feel confident the judge would not change anything but like you said- fear of the unknown. She is very bitter and spiteful- as well as having her parents to foot her attorneys fees- which we believe will motivate her to return to court. Thank you very much for your best wishes!

Never volunteer irrelevant details of your private lives.
How and where your husband earns his living isn't any of her business, so don't tell her anything about what he may end up doing.

 

[Alyssa5789]

Never volunteer irrelevant details of your private lives.
How and where your husband earns his living isn't any of her business, so don't tell her anything about what he may end up doing.

That was actually another thing we started wondering- if he's even legally obligated to tell her about something like this.

 

[army judge]

That was actually another thing we started wondering- if he's even legally obligated to tell her about something like this.

Usually not, because his assignments aren't permanent. However, the current custody order is your guide.

He and you aren't relocating, he's simply away on assignment.

I suggest a consultation with a licensed lawyer in NC to ensure he's obeying the current order.

 

[leslie82]

My husband and I have joint legal and physical custody of my step daughter. We have her Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and every other Saturday. It has always been this way (50/50) my husband is a nurse and is contemplating accepting a travel position which would mean he would take different assignments, at various places, ranging anywhere from 6-13 weeks in duration. Our question is- in our state would her biological mother have any grounds to take our time away if my husband is traveling? I am her step mother and have been for 4.5 of the 5.5 years she has been alive. She has a step sister two months younger, a half baby brother and another half sibling on the way here. We have a very stable and consistent schedule. Thank you in advance for any advice.

You do not have custody of your stepdaughter. This isn't said to be mean - it's the truth. Your husband has custody of his daughter. He has visitation. You don't legally matter.

She's not her biological mother - she's her mother. When I was married to my ex husband I never once referred to his ex wife as their kids "biological" mother. I called her their mother as she is their mother. I was the stepmother and I know how hard it is to toe that line but the way you are talking you are dangerously crossing over it into the red line.

Her mother could most definitely take him back to court if she wanted to because this is a significant change in circumstances. That's up to her to decide.

Again I'm not doing any stepparent bashing. I'm letting you know that you need to watch the way you talk because legally you could screw over your husband. And if my ex ever gets remarried (again) and I hear that woman refer to me as the "biological mother" or act like my daughter's mom I would definitely put her in her place. If I ever get married again I would definitely not allow him to put down her father or replace her father and call him bio dad.

 

[ElleMD]

How you all refer to one another doesn't change the legal facts. It is iffy if a judge would see a 3 month temporary relocation as a move. The fact that the rest of you who are not part of the order are not moving is irrelevant. His order is not binding on you. Were I Mom, I would at least want it spelled out how visitation would be handled while he is away. If it is his parenting time, then he could have the child where ever it is he is located at the time and frequent moves like that could be disruptive. You say she would stay at the home with you and her sibling, but if the order is silent on that point, you could change your mind at any time.

You also need to look at the order to see if there is a right of first refusal as that would not be an uncommon clause to have in an order with a very young child.

 

[Alyssa5789]

You do not have custody of your stepdaughter. This isn't said to be mean - it's the truth. Your husband has custody of his daughter. He has visitation. You don't legally matter.

She's not her biological mother - she's her mother. When I was married to my ex husband I never once referred to his ex wife as their kids "biological" mother. I called her their mother as she is their mother. I was the stepmother and I know how hard it is to toe that line but the way you are talking you are dangerously crossing over it into the red line.

Her mother could most definitely take him back to court if she wanted to because this is a significant change in circumstances. That's up to her to decide.

Again I'm not doing any stepparent bashing. I'm letting you know that you need to watch the way you talk because legally you could screw over your husband. And if my ex ever gets remarried (again) and I hear that woman refer to me as the "biological mother" or act like my daughter's mom I would definitely put her in her place. If I ever get married again I would definitely not allow him to put down her father or replace her father and call him bio dad.

While I appreciate your taking time to respond- I don't need your unhelpful advice in the sense that I have on numerous occasions above acknowledged that I legally I have no rights. However that doesn't mean that I am any less her parent because the law doesn't recognize step parents. I apologize if my personal situation triggered an emotional response for you due to whatever issues you've had in the past regarding your personal situation but respectively I am not crossing ANY line by referring to her biological mother as so because- that's what she IS. I have been JUST as much a mother to OUR daughter almost her entire life. She has a biological mother and a step mother and please do not try to make me feel that saying so will get my husband into "legal trouble" because it will not. Also- I understand that she COULD take us back to court at any time - as could we. Whether she has any legal basis to stand on to completely disrupt OUR daughters schedule that she has been thriving in for over 5 years based on my husband traveling was the question. Not if I have any legal rights as her step mother. Thank you. I've received some pretty good unbiased advice above and already consulted with a local attorney.

 

[Alyssa5789]

How you all refer to one another doesn't change the legal facts. It is iffy if a judge would see a 3 month temporary relocation as a move. The fact that the rest of you who are not part of the order are not moving is irrelevant. His order is not binding on you. Were I Mom, I would at least want it spelled out how visitation would be handled while he is away. If it is his parenting time, then he could have the child where ever it is he is located at the time and frequent moves like that could be disruptive. You say she would stay at the home with you and her sibling, but if the order is silent on that point, you could change your mind at any time.

You also need to look at the order to see if there is a right of first refusal as that would not be an uncommon clause to have in an order with a very young child.

My husband would be coming home for one weekend a month during the contract as well as having scheduled FaceTime with our children daily which would honestly let the kids see him more than they do now with his current schedule. No she would not be where he is during that time because she has school and we would maintain our normal routine. As far as having it spelled out how it would be while he's away- it's not spelled out now how time should be spent while he's at work. He works second shift and therefore only sees the kids in the morning before school. I am responsible for her at all other times. They have joint custody- we don't expect a play by play and lay out of who will be taking care of her while she is at work. It is stated in the agreement that the parent who's time it is is responsible for the care or designation of care for that time. Meaning the parent with time can determine suitable care for the child in the event of work or travel or what not.

Also, there is no right of forst refusal in the agreement.

 

[ElleMD]

There is what you intend to happen and what could possibly happen given your current agreement. That is where I see Mom having justification for at least amending the agreement to indicate that the child must stay in the same school or she must be notified if the child is traveling out of state or whatever the case may be. Dad being gone for months at a time can be seen as a change in circumstances. An attorney can better advise how similar cases in your jurisdiction have gone.

 

[leslie82]

While I appreciate your taking time to respond- I don't need your unhelpful advice in the sense that I have on numerous occasions above acknowledged that I legally I have no rights. However that doesn't mean that I am any less her parent because the law doesn't recognize step parents. I apologize if my personal situation triggered an emotional response for you due to whatever issues you've had in the past regarding your personal situation but respectively I am not crossing ANY line by referring to her biological mother as so because- that's what she IS. I have been JUST as much a mother to OUR daughter almost her entire life. She has a biological mother and a step mother and please do not try to make me feel that saying so will get my husband into "legal trouble" because it will not. Also- I understand that she COULD take us back to court at any time - as could we. Whether she has any legal basis to stand on to completely disrupt OUR daughters schedule that she has been thriving in for over 5 years based on my husband traveling was the question. Not if I have any legal rights as her step mother. Thank you. I've received some pretty good unbiased advice above and already consulted with a local attorney.

I don't like when stepparents step over the line and refer to parents as "biological parents." She's not her biological mother. She's simply her mother. That is it. I didn't like my ex husband's first wife. At all. I've known them both since me and him were 18. But guess what? I respected her in front of their kids. I didn't talk about them. When her daughter started to talk bad about her I would tell her to respect her mother. I never called her their "bio mom" she's their mom. No matter what I think of her. No matter how much of a crazy person she is. I would tell her off when she made her daughter cry or put her in custody situations. So yeah I know about moms who are crazy bitches. But they are still the mother. Not biological in front of it. This is the last I'll say on that but you better check yourself really quickly.

No she has a MOTHER and a stepmother. Would your husband like to be called the "biological father?" If you talk like that around the kid and the mom finds out yeah you could get him in trouble actually. Judges don't like that crap.

If your husband talked to an attorney he should do what the attorney said. Guess what - I went and talked to lawyer for my ex about contempt for his first wife and he said he had to have my then husband come in and talk to him. That I had no legal bearing but it was nice I was concerned. But that my then husband had to come and talk to him about it.

 

[Alyssa5789]

There is what you intend to happen and what could possibly happen given your current agreement. That is where I see Mom having justification for at least amending the agreement to indicate that the child must stay in the same school or she must be notified if the child is traveling out of state or whatever the case may be. Dad being gone for months at a time can be seen as a change in circumstances. An attorney can better advise how similar cases in your jurisdiction have gone.

Oh, clarified further on what you meant, yes those things are already a part of our agreement. Both parties must be notified within 2 weeks notice before an out of state trip- and the school she attends can't be changed without both parents consent so all of that is already set up.

 

[Alyssa5789]

I don't like when stepparents step over the line and refer to parents as "biological parents." She's not her biological mother. She's simply her mother. That is it. I didn't like my ex husband's first wife. At all. I've known them both since me and him were 18. But guess what? I respected her in front of their kids. I didn't talk about them. When her daughter started to talk bad about her I would tell her to respect her mother. I never called her their "bio mom" she's their mom. No matter what I think of her. No matter how much of a crazy person she is. I would tell her off when she made her daughter cry or put her in custody situations. So yeah I know about moms who are crazy bitches. But they are still the mother. Not biological in front of it. This is the last I'll say on that but you better check yourself really quickly.

No she has a MOTHER and a stepmother. Would your husband like to be called the "biological father?" If you talk like that around the kid and the mom finds out yeah you could get him in trouble actually. Judges don't like that crap.

If your husband talked to an attorney he should do what the attorney said. Guess what - I went and talked to lawyer for my ex about contempt for his first wife and he said he had to have my then husband come in and talk to him. That I had no legal bearing but it was nice I was concerned. But that my then husband had to come and talk to him about it.

I am just going to respond and say that I was unaware that my 5 year old step daughter was on this thread and could read where I refer to her as biological mother. I don't call her that in our home nor in front of her- so please- check yourself and stop assuming that every step parent situation is the same. It sounds as though none of your circumstances lasted as you stated in the fact that she was his first wife and "your ex." we went and spoke with a lawyer TOGETHER because that's how our marriage works. I may not have legal standing but I sure do have parental standing in our family. Your personal experiences are not helpful in this particular thread because as I stated before- whether I have legal standing or whether YOU think it's okay for me to use a certain term wasn't my inquiry. You trying to make me feel less than- really won't phase me. Enjoy your holidays.

 

[ElleMD]

Biological mother is a perfectly acceptable term and it does help when asking questions to use specific terminology. What is used in the home, is up to the family not relevant to answer the question.

 

[leslie82]

I am just going to respond and say that I was unaware that my 5 year old step daughter was on this thread and could read where I refer to her as biological mother. I don't call her that in our home nor in front of her- so please- check yourself and stop assuming that every step parent situation is the same. It sounds as though none of your circumstances lasted as you stated in the fact that she was his first wife and "your ex." we went and spoke with a lawyer TOGETHER because that's how our marriage works. I may not have legal standing but I sure do have parental standing in our family. Your personal experiences are not helpful in this particular thread because as I stated before- whether I have legal standing or whether YOU think it's okay for me to use a certain term wasn't my inquiry. You trying to make me feel less than- really won't phase me. Enjoy your holidays.

This is the last I'll say. I divorced him because he's a drug addict abusive alcoholic POS who I gave too many chances as did she.

I'm not trying to "make" you feel anything. At all. I can't "make" you feel a certain way.

You still shouldn't call her biological anything. She's her mother and it's that simple whether you like it or not. Good day.

 

[Michael Wechsler]

Divorce, child custody and visitation are very difficult topics to discuss amicably as they involve personal feelings and experiences. Conversation can get abrasive, even here, but we can keep it under control. The bottom line is that no matter what the circumstances, the best interests of the child weigh very heavily. Absent something that would significantly affect the situation, it's unlikely a court would take a drastic measure.