- Jurisdiction
- Illinois
I am so unsure on what to do. I really need some help.
My daughter is 5 1/2 months old. She is the light of my life, my first child, she is everything to me. Her father is someone I am very afraid of. He doesn't make sense to me, why he does the things he does. I am 21 years old and he is 20. We met in high school, but we live an hour away from each other. I'm a college student in management, so I don't have any legal knowledge. He is an industrial janitor, essentially, and he can afford his lawyer, which he has. I'm not able to afford a lawyer and the legal assistance programs in my area keep ignoring me.
My relationship with him has been abusive in ways I couldn't have ever imagined. He was and still is in complete control of my life and it is terrifying. I have tried so hard to get away from him. He has hurt me physically several times. If I can I will attach and image of the most recent damage, from September, because I wouldn't stop crying about missing my two month old baby after he kept me from her for almost two days. (I'm usually always with her, my classes are online now so I'm always home with her)
I'll get to the jist of the story here as best I can. We had broken up. He had a new girlfriend. I didn't know about her. He proposed marriage. We got together. I found out about his girlfriend and left. Then I found out I was pregnant.
When I was five months along a lawyer told him he had a charge of domestic battery on a pregnant woman. He contacted me, asking if I was pregnant with his child. I'm a really honest person, it's kind of a moral code I have, so I told him I was in fact five months pregnant. He was still with his girlfriend but insisted he was going to be with me. I told him that wasn't what I wanted.
There was a bit of petty drama when he came back around, and then he was gone again for a while with his other girlfriend. My car was broken down, and about a month and a half before my due date I found him outside my house taking the tires off my car to fix my brakes that had welded together the last time I saw him. We have a no trespass order to our house but the police don't enforce it much because by the time we call, he is long gone.
He ended up moving into my next door neighbors house, renting the basement, which I guess was completely legal for him to do. He was there for the birth of his child and thus signed the birth certificate. He was escorted out by hospital security a few hours later, ranting about how I refused to have sex with him and getting really worked up. I had to lock myself in the hospital bathroom to hide from him and called home, just a few hours after giving birth. My family notified the hospital about what was happening there and I hid in the bathroom until security showed up. Thankfully my daughter was in the nursery. I have always made sure she wasn't exposed to those things.
A social worker talked to us then. She told us we couldn't have any more domestic cases or we would lose our daughter.
She was born in July. September was the last straw. He completely blackened my eye, it was swollen shut entirely at first. He didn't want me to go home and he threatened me and my families lives if I told the police. He has an extensive and violent criminal history, but no convictions. I don't know how or why. I ended up going to the hospital because I needed a note for school (takes about 3x the amount of time to do schoolwork with one eye I found out)
The night he blackened my eye I was trying to get him to leave, as I so often did. All we did was argue. All the time. When he was here (1 month old baby) she was fussing because she needed her diaper changed and I had stepped out of the room. When I came back in my grandma was in there and he was holding her arms down while she fussed and said to my grandma "she has to learn!" My grandma asked "has to learn what?" and he just walked out of the room very angry. He would sit in my front yard all day every day because he wasn't allowed inside after that (and an incident of him choking me out inside the house that happened around the same time). He would drive my car to and from work (3rd shift). I wanted him to leave and he didn't want to leave. I would tell him that I wasn't in love with him, that I didn't want to be with him, and that I was afraid of him. He would snap and tell me I was lying. That night I said to him "even if we aren't together, we need to be civil for our daughters sake." he replied "f**k that I'm going to make your life a living h*ll."
And he has.
The police told me that if I didn't file an order of protection against him that they would have to take my daughter from me for her own safety. So I did file for one. This infuriated him.
After the o.p was filed, he broke it multiple times. I reported it, and nothing was ever done. They said they'd have to investigate, that they weren't sure if anyone would get around to it, and they didn't. I filed another one, which he also broke.
I received a court summons, in October I believe.
I was sent to mediation, and the lawyer who worked as the mediator not only called me a b**ch, but called the father a dumba**. I was mortified. He told me that if he were the guardian ad litem, he would take my daughter from me and give her to the father completely with no visitation for me. On the basis of police reports from over two years ago, questioning my mental stability when I was in the care of an overzealous psychiatrist who had me on way way way too many medications. (I have some domestic charges from this period in my life, mostly because I was always so panicked whenever we argued, and he would lie about what happened)
After three hours of mediation, the lawyer had an agreement written up that the father would have primary custody, and I would have two less days than him a month. When I told the lawyer I didn't want to sign it he began to get angry and told me to just sign it and it could be modified later. Then he told me I would need a lawyer to do that. The judge also told me I need to get a lawyer. I have tried and I keep trying and I keep being ignored. I will continue to try.
I ended up signing that agreement against my better judgment. Then I went to see a psychologist for a psych eval, and I was cleared. I took that into court to dispute the allegations that the agreement was founded on, and the judge dismissed the original parenting agreement that we had signed at mediation.
The guardian ad litem claims to have met with me multiple times, but I haven't ever received a phone call or spoken with her outside of court. His lawyer insisted that the father get three days a week with her and we went back and forth one what days and what times at least 15 times. They both agreed that the father should have time alone with his daughter. I contested, and the judge agreed with them.
He sat there and lied in court, about so so many things. I even have papers that prove he was lying but the judge said he wasn't going to look at them! I brought a stack of police reports involving him, so many that they wouldn't even fit in the manila folder I had! And that was just from three departments in the area. I didn't even get all the ones I needed in time. Armed robbery, domestics, forgery, falsifying id, dui, evading police, and more. The judge wouldn't even look at them.
Eventually, after three more hours of being in court. They dropped my order of protection, and gave the father tues, thurs, sat, from 9-5.
This was ten days ago.
My baby, when she is home and up until now, is absolutely perfect. She barely fusses, she laughs and plays all the time, she relaxes when she's supposed to. She loves her swing, of course, and all of her toys. Our shared room is almost entirely hers, I have a twin sized bed and thats pretty much it. Everything else in her room is pink and baby oriented. (I am also on a waiting list to have my own two bedroom apartment right up the road from my family, hopefully by march) We only watch appropriate cartoons. I live with my grandmother, and my mother stays here too now, so there are three generations of mothers looking after her here. She tells us when her diaper needs changed and she doesn't even cry, she just makes this noise and I know it means diaper. She doesn't even have to tell me when she's hungry because I know when and how much to feed her.
My daughter hasn't ever had so much as a diaper rash or a runny nose. She sleeps through the night soundly, and wakes happy as can be. She cuddles, she plays, she laughs, and she hardly ever fusses. She really is the perfect baby.
In these past 10 days, I have noticed such a drastic change. She isn't sleeping through the night like she used to and she always wants to sleep in her swing and not her bed
She comes home in tears, in different clothes because she poops and pukes all over herself, in a dirty diaper and clearly underfed. Sometimes covered in sweat or with gunk(?) in her hair.
In those ten days, he has failed so tremendously I am heartbroken about my daughter. The first day I dropped her off they let me come inside but I wasn't allowed in the room where he claimed to keep all of her stuff. All I saw was a crib, without a mattress, in a 13 year old boys room (his brother, there are 8 people in their two bedroom house, his sisters live in blanket forts in the basement) which he said the crib was for my daughter. They have this super angry dog that is stuck in his kennel 24/7, eats sleeps and poops in his kennel with a blanket over it. He just barks all the time. He bit me once. I didn't see anything that she needed there, no bottles, no clothes, no diapers, no toys. There was the crib in the boys room and a high chair in the kitchen. I reported it to child services and they said they don't have enough to investigate.
He doesn't have diapers for her so I send diapers. He doesn't feed her right so I send pre-portioned food. I send extra clothes, blankets, toys, food, dishes, medicine, just so that he has everything he needs to take care of her. I even offered to buy another swing so he would have one for her but he keeps telling me he has one and just coming up with excuses as to why it's not there. I think I'm going to buy an extra anyway.
He tries to tell me that somehow I am the one causing his difficulty with her. They won't let me help they don't listen to my advice. He is convinced his girlfriend is a "baby expert" (his words) and that she knows best. He told me he is going to convince my daughter his girlfriend is her new mom. She is also pregnant with his second child.
I have asked him why he isn't putting our daughters needs first. I have told him how this is effecting her. I have asked him to just leave us alone, I have done everything I possibly know how to do.
No institution I have contacted has been able to help. The police are aware of the situation. The center for prevention of abuse knows, countless counselors know, my doctor knows, my family knows, my friends know about all of this. I have reached out and I have tried to get help on this situation since the first time he ever put hands on me. Nothing has ever been done. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't sleep at night, I can't sleep at all. This is really tearing me up and I feel so defeated.
Someone please help us. There has to be something I can do to protect my daughter.
My daughter is 5 1/2 months old. She is the light of my life, my first child, she is everything to me. Her father is someone I am very afraid of. He doesn't make sense to me, why he does the things he does. I am 21 years old and he is 20. We met in high school, but we live an hour away from each other. I'm a college student in management, so I don't have any legal knowledge. He is an industrial janitor, essentially, and he can afford his lawyer, which he has. I'm not able to afford a lawyer and the legal assistance programs in my area keep ignoring me.
My relationship with him has been abusive in ways I couldn't have ever imagined. He was and still is in complete control of my life and it is terrifying. I have tried so hard to get away from him. He has hurt me physically several times. If I can I will attach and image of the most recent damage, from September, because I wouldn't stop crying about missing my two month old baby after he kept me from her for almost two days. (I'm usually always with her, my classes are online now so I'm always home with her)
I'll get to the jist of the story here as best I can. We had broken up. He had a new girlfriend. I didn't know about her. He proposed marriage. We got together. I found out about his girlfriend and left. Then I found out I was pregnant.
When I was five months along a lawyer told him he had a charge of domestic battery on a pregnant woman. He contacted me, asking if I was pregnant with his child. I'm a really honest person, it's kind of a moral code I have, so I told him I was in fact five months pregnant. He was still with his girlfriend but insisted he was going to be with me. I told him that wasn't what I wanted.
There was a bit of petty drama when he came back around, and then he was gone again for a while with his other girlfriend. My car was broken down, and about a month and a half before my due date I found him outside my house taking the tires off my car to fix my brakes that had welded together the last time I saw him. We have a no trespass order to our house but the police don't enforce it much because by the time we call, he is long gone.
He ended up moving into my next door neighbors house, renting the basement, which I guess was completely legal for him to do. He was there for the birth of his child and thus signed the birth certificate. He was escorted out by hospital security a few hours later, ranting about how I refused to have sex with him and getting really worked up. I had to lock myself in the hospital bathroom to hide from him and called home, just a few hours after giving birth. My family notified the hospital about what was happening there and I hid in the bathroom until security showed up. Thankfully my daughter was in the nursery. I have always made sure she wasn't exposed to those things.
A social worker talked to us then. She told us we couldn't have any more domestic cases or we would lose our daughter.
She was born in July. September was the last straw. He completely blackened my eye, it was swollen shut entirely at first. He didn't want me to go home and he threatened me and my families lives if I told the police. He has an extensive and violent criminal history, but no convictions. I don't know how or why. I ended up going to the hospital because I needed a note for school (takes about 3x the amount of time to do schoolwork with one eye I found out)
The night he blackened my eye I was trying to get him to leave, as I so often did. All we did was argue. All the time. When he was here (1 month old baby) she was fussing because she needed her diaper changed and I had stepped out of the room. When I came back in my grandma was in there and he was holding her arms down while she fussed and said to my grandma "she has to learn!" My grandma asked "has to learn what?" and he just walked out of the room very angry. He would sit in my front yard all day every day because he wasn't allowed inside after that (and an incident of him choking me out inside the house that happened around the same time). He would drive my car to and from work (3rd shift). I wanted him to leave and he didn't want to leave. I would tell him that I wasn't in love with him, that I didn't want to be with him, and that I was afraid of him. He would snap and tell me I was lying. That night I said to him "even if we aren't together, we need to be civil for our daughters sake." he replied "f**k that I'm going to make your life a living h*ll."
And he has.
The police told me that if I didn't file an order of protection against him that they would have to take my daughter from me for her own safety. So I did file for one. This infuriated him.
After the o.p was filed, he broke it multiple times. I reported it, and nothing was ever done. They said they'd have to investigate, that they weren't sure if anyone would get around to it, and they didn't. I filed another one, which he also broke.
I received a court summons, in October I believe.
I was sent to mediation, and the lawyer who worked as the mediator not only called me a b**ch, but called the father a dumba**. I was mortified. He told me that if he were the guardian ad litem, he would take my daughter from me and give her to the father completely with no visitation for me. On the basis of police reports from over two years ago, questioning my mental stability when I was in the care of an overzealous psychiatrist who had me on way way way too many medications. (I have some domestic charges from this period in my life, mostly because I was always so panicked whenever we argued, and he would lie about what happened)
After three hours of mediation, the lawyer had an agreement written up that the father would have primary custody, and I would have two less days than him a month. When I told the lawyer I didn't want to sign it he began to get angry and told me to just sign it and it could be modified later. Then he told me I would need a lawyer to do that. The judge also told me I need to get a lawyer. I have tried and I keep trying and I keep being ignored. I will continue to try.
I ended up signing that agreement against my better judgment. Then I went to see a psychologist for a psych eval, and I was cleared. I took that into court to dispute the allegations that the agreement was founded on, and the judge dismissed the original parenting agreement that we had signed at mediation.
The guardian ad litem claims to have met with me multiple times, but I haven't ever received a phone call or spoken with her outside of court. His lawyer insisted that the father get three days a week with her and we went back and forth one what days and what times at least 15 times. They both agreed that the father should have time alone with his daughter. I contested, and the judge agreed with them.
He sat there and lied in court, about so so many things. I even have papers that prove he was lying but the judge said he wasn't going to look at them! I brought a stack of police reports involving him, so many that they wouldn't even fit in the manila folder I had! And that was just from three departments in the area. I didn't even get all the ones I needed in time. Armed robbery, domestics, forgery, falsifying id, dui, evading police, and more. The judge wouldn't even look at them.
Eventually, after three more hours of being in court. They dropped my order of protection, and gave the father tues, thurs, sat, from 9-5.
This was ten days ago.
My baby, when she is home and up until now, is absolutely perfect. She barely fusses, she laughs and plays all the time, she relaxes when she's supposed to. She loves her swing, of course, and all of her toys. Our shared room is almost entirely hers, I have a twin sized bed and thats pretty much it. Everything else in her room is pink and baby oriented. (I am also on a waiting list to have my own two bedroom apartment right up the road from my family, hopefully by march) We only watch appropriate cartoons. I live with my grandmother, and my mother stays here too now, so there are three generations of mothers looking after her here. She tells us when her diaper needs changed and she doesn't even cry, she just makes this noise and I know it means diaper. She doesn't even have to tell me when she's hungry because I know when and how much to feed her.
My daughter hasn't ever had so much as a diaper rash or a runny nose. She sleeps through the night soundly, and wakes happy as can be. She cuddles, she plays, she laughs, and she hardly ever fusses. She really is the perfect baby.
In these past 10 days, I have noticed such a drastic change. She isn't sleeping through the night like she used to and she always wants to sleep in her swing and not her bed
She comes home in tears, in different clothes because she poops and pukes all over herself, in a dirty diaper and clearly underfed. Sometimes covered in sweat or with gunk(?) in her hair.
In those ten days, he has failed so tremendously I am heartbroken about my daughter. The first day I dropped her off they let me come inside but I wasn't allowed in the room where he claimed to keep all of her stuff. All I saw was a crib, without a mattress, in a 13 year old boys room (his brother, there are 8 people in their two bedroom house, his sisters live in blanket forts in the basement) which he said the crib was for my daughter. They have this super angry dog that is stuck in his kennel 24/7, eats sleeps and poops in his kennel with a blanket over it. He just barks all the time. He bit me once. I didn't see anything that she needed there, no bottles, no clothes, no diapers, no toys. There was the crib in the boys room and a high chair in the kitchen. I reported it to child services and they said they don't have enough to investigate.
He doesn't have diapers for her so I send diapers. He doesn't feed her right so I send pre-portioned food. I send extra clothes, blankets, toys, food, dishes, medicine, just so that he has everything he needs to take care of her. I even offered to buy another swing so he would have one for her but he keeps telling me he has one and just coming up with excuses as to why it's not there. I think I'm going to buy an extra anyway.
He tries to tell me that somehow I am the one causing his difficulty with her. They won't let me help they don't listen to my advice. He is convinced his girlfriend is a "baby expert" (his words) and that she knows best. He told me he is going to convince my daughter his girlfriend is her new mom. She is also pregnant with his second child.
I have asked him why he isn't putting our daughters needs first. I have told him how this is effecting her. I have asked him to just leave us alone, I have done everything I possibly know how to do.
No institution I have contacted has been able to help. The police are aware of the situation. The center for prevention of abuse knows, countless counselors know, my doctor knows, my family knows, my friends know about all of this. I have reached out and I have tried to get help on this situation since the first time he ever put hands on me. Nothing has ever been done. I don't know what to do anymore. I can't sleep at night, I can't sleep at all. This is really tearing me up and I feel so defeated.
Someone please help us. There has to be something I can do to protect my daughter.
