My son wants custody-girlfriend has issues

[130munch]

My son & his girlfriend are expecting, both are 25.

She & her 6 yr old son from another guy are bi-polar w/anger issues. Her anger has turned violent towards my son many times. When arguing he prefers to leave the situation, which makes her angrier. She will scratch & hit to keep him from leaving, & always, like clockwork, she threatens to call the cops & to lie & have him arrested for hitting her.

She's been arrested 3 times that I know of. Once for domestic violence against my son, and twice for phone harrassment, against us once & someone else another time.

She's been in the hospital multiple times for ODing on bi-polar meds, for being drunk out of her mind, and a few times on suicide watch. She & my son took her son to the hospital once when he had a breakdown & screamed he was going to kill himself - 6 years old & he's going to kill himself! Unbelievable! He has frequent tantrums where he throws things around the house & hits them. I hate the thought of my 1st grandbaby being brought up in this type of environment.

She doesn't work & is lazy - I don't see her getting a job to support herself any time in the near future. She lives off the state & recently had to give up her subsidized apt. & move back with her parents. Her dad's an alcholic, a dui arrest ended his cop career. Her mom is just as immature - ready defend her daughter even if it means lying about her true nature.

One minute this crazy girl tells us that she can't wait till this baby is born so she can dump him/her off at our house and go out drinking with other guys - the next she's telling my son he'll never see this baby because she's going to get someone else sign the birth certificate as the father. (Yeah right - good luck with that one!) Sooooo......

1. How do we go about making sure we know when the baby is born and getting paternity test ordered asap so my son can sign the birth certificate.

2. Do we have a chance for full custody considering her problems, and if so what steps should we be taking to help ensure it happens.

3. If we are up for a custody battle, how do we go about it when we don't have money for a high priced attorney?

 

[jharris352]

I'm going to deal with the last question first:

3. If we are up for a custody battle, how do we go about it when we don't have money for a high priced attorney?

You need an attorney. Can you imagine saying: How can I go about the amputation since I don't have money for a high priced doctor? No offense, I know it can be expensive, but the question is how important is it to you. If you don't have the money, then she surely doesn't have the money, that's your advantage, use it.

1. How do we go about making sure we know when the baby is born and getting paternity test ordered asap so my son can sign the birth certificate.

Now, having said that I'm going to suggest that you can START without an attorney and see where it goes. You are NOT going to be able to keep her completely away from her child. When you say "full custody" first you understand it will be your SON not YOU who gets custody. What you really mean is you want your son to be the "custodial parent" (CP) and have her be the non-custodial parent (NCP) lets get the language straight first.

To do this you are going to have to get her to agree or you have to show that she is not a fit parent. She will still get visitation though if she is bad enough it can be supervised.

The first step is to file a Paternity suit if she will not allow him to sign the birth certificate. Her bi-polar nature means she may just let him sign, she may not. If she doesn't you sue to establish paternity. The court will order DNA and he will be named father or excluded.

After that you sue for custody. Again, it will be easier if she will agree. Prepare an agreement where you guys will "take the load off her shoulders" and see if she will sign it. You can always make it more restrictive later if need be, but see if she will sign something giving your son Custody. Negotiation is always cheaper and easier than litigation.

2. Do we have a chance for full custody considering her problems, and if so what steps should we be taking to help ensure it happens.

If she does not agree you will have to sue. Your advantage is she doesn't have much in rescources either. If what you have told us is accurate he has a fair chance at gaining custody. He needs to watch out for dirty tricks because when he starts this she is going to go ballistic and accuse him of anything she can to get him arrested.

Her history is going to help. Go find an attorney and tell him you want to avoid litigation if possible. Start by drafting agreements and see if she will sign them. Good luck.

 

[lonelyinny]

you need to let son deal with it and back off

My son & his girlfriend are expecting, both are 25.

She & her 6 yr old son from another guy are bi-polar w/anger issues. Her anger has turned violent towards my son many times. When arguing he prefers to leave the situation, which makes her angrier. She will scratch & hit to keep him from leaving, & always, like clockwork, she threatens to call the cops & to lie & have him arrested for hitting her.

She's been arrested 3 times that I know of. Once for domestic violence against my son, and twice for phone harrassment, against us once & someone else another time.

She's been in the hospital multiple times for ODing on bi-polar meds, for being drunk out of her mind, and a few times on suicide watch. She & my son took her son to the hospital once when he had a breakdown & screamed he was going to kill himself - 6 years old & he's going to kill himself! Unbelievable! He has frequent tantrums where he throws things around the house & hits them. I hate the thought of my 1st grandbaby being brought up in this type of environment.

She doesn't work & is lazy - I don't see her getting a job to support herself any time in the near future. She lives off the state & recently had to give up her subsidized apt. & move back with her parents. Her dad's an alcholic, a dui arrest ended his cop career. Her mom is just as immature - ready defend her daughter even if it means lying about her true nature.

One minute this crazy girl tells us that she can't wait till this baby is born so she can dump him/her off at our house and go out drinking with other guys - the next she's telling my son he'll never see this baby because she's going to get someone else sign the birth certificate as the father. (Yeah right - good luck with that one!) Sooooo......

1. How do we go about making sure we know when the baby is born and getting paternity test ordered asap so my son can sign the birth certificate.

2. Do we have a chance for full custody considering her problems, and if so what steps should we be taking to help ensure it happens.

3. If we are up for a custody battle, how do we go about it when we don't have money for a high priced attorney?

WE are not getting a paternity test, battling for custody, or anything else. this is strictly your sons issue to deal with. you are not a party to any of this, since you are only the grandmother, not the mother, and you have no rights, say or standing at all where this child is concerned.

 

[Duranie]

Well your son is foolish to be having a baby with a woman with so many problems. With that said he has no rights until the child is born and paternity is established. If IL has a presumptive/putative fathers registry, he needs to sign up for it. Dad is going to probably need an attorney. Maybe if all of you put your $$ together you can afford one. Dad's chances of custody of a newborn are not very good unless he can prove the mom is totally unfit.

Also where is the father of her 6 yr old If she is getting state assistance then she has to identiy who the father is and file for child support? your son does not find it necessary to notify the father of all the isses the 6 yr old is having?

 

[jharris352]

Don't let people (lonelylinny) discourage you from being involved with your son and his child. It is true that you don't have legal standing. Your son is an adult and is the parent. He needs to do most of this on his own. No one, except the aforementioned poster, is silly enough to believe you have to completely stay out of your grandchild's life.

Again, while I don't want to be terribly judgmental I hope you definitely see that your son has learned some behaviors, possibly from you, that allow him to tolerate or even be attracted to such a woman. I can't say much, I've had some crazies myself. Some of them probably are posting somewhere about their formerly CRAZY boyfriend.

We all have issues. Your son now has a baby so all those issues are now a big deal. He truly needs to stay away from this woman. She has a fatal attraction and he will end up in big trouble with her.

As you have seen, police rightly or wrongly take the female's side. She feeds on attention and she will use this to her advantage. be careful.

 

[130munch]

Um excuse me lonelyinney but WE most certainly are in this together as my son is looking to me for help and we are equally concerned for the welfare of this child as he is. Don't take things so literally - I know it's his child & I'm not expecting to win custody for myself! Sheesh - take a pill or something.

 

[130munch]

I know it's my son's own fault for being in this position, but here we are & it is what it is. I'm not trying to take over for him - he is coming to me for advice so I'm just trying to gather info for him by posting his situation. Ultimately, it's his fight - I'm just his older & wiser support system.

And while getting full custody would be ideal, I'm not counting on it happing....I was curious what others thought of the situation and if seemed possible & worth fighting for. Even joint custody would be great.

About her 6 yr old son - his dad is in his life, but he's young too & has some problems I've heard. I'm unsure if he's tried to get custody or anything, but he's aware of the problems his son has.

I do appreciate the good advice & input here - thanks.