husband's gf won't meet me

[AVeryGoodMom]

My husband left me at end of August, by end of September was already dating a woman and then was thinking about moving in with her after 2-3 weeks. At end of November he did, and they set up a room for our sons, ages 13 (as of tomorrow) & 16. As their mother, I want to meet and talk to his gf but she refuses, she wants to wait til everything is more "settled" - like when my husband actually decides to serve me with divorce papers. She is also still married and has not served her husband yet either. I believe as their mother I have the right to meet her and find out a little about her if my sons are going to be staying in her house on the weekends my husband is supposed to have them. I'm not looking for anything more than an introduction and small chat so my mind can be put at ease. I realize the marriage is over, I wouldn't want him back anyway as this is the 2nd time he's left me and the first time was because he cheated on me. I've learned my lesson. Anyway, I told him until she can be a grownup about this and meet me face to face, I can't let him keep the kids overnight anymore at her house. Note: he has not yet paid me any child support altho he was paying bills at the house we just sold this month (it was already on the market when he dumped me).

I am not trying to keep him from seeing his sons, his girlfriend is already doing that by telling him he can't come to our youngest son's birthday dinner tomorrow night because it wouldn't be 'appropriate'. He can see them pretty much anytime he wants to. I just don't want them in her house sleeping in the next room over from their father & his gf when I have no idea who she is or what she's like, or if she's a good person.

Do I have the right to do this legally? If I have to go to Family Court I will, but until this all happened recently, he and I were trying to get along & be friends (which apparently the gf doesn't like) and go thru a mediator. Unfortunately, I now seem to be the only parent with any morals left and need to make sure I do right by my sons.

 

[jharris352]

Unfortunately you really have no right to force the issue without a court case. If you want to force the issue and your husband and his new gf will just not cooperate you can use the legal process to do so. While I understand your position, I doubt they do. If I was your ex or his gf I would be thinking that you were looking to get face to face to cause trouble of some sort.

I think you are best off to talk with your ex about your concerns and feelings. Tell him its over and that you are ok with that. Tell him you aren't going to attack her or be ugly with her but you just want to know the woman that will be in the house with your sons. Your best bet is for him to convince her. Tell him you want to do this peaceably and without court action but if they refuse you will use the process to get what you want.

Hopefully they will see it from your side if you are really as amicable as you seem to be. If not you will have to initiate a custody action and use the discovery process to "get to know her" the hard way. A 12 hour deposition will do that nicely. Good luck, make sure you aren't just causing trouble and hope they work with you. Fighting just to be fighting isn't worth it.

 

[AVeryGoodMom]

I have already voiced my concerns to my husband, at length, and he told me he understood and had no idea why she wouldn't meet me... at first. I even wrote her a letter explaining my concerns & position which I gave to my husband to read first and approve before giving it to her. I don't want to make trouble. I still want to be friends with my future ex... he was my best friend for 22 years, just because we're not going to be married anymore doesn't mean we shouldn't be able to be friends, even if I don't agree with everything he does. Our sons can only benefit from a good relationship between us. I'm not even sure he will fight this, and I don't think he can convince his girlfriend to change her mind, which means he loses out on full weekends with his sons. That's the sad part to me.
And I don't fight just to fight... I'm just a good mom who cares about her kids.

 

[jharris352]

As I said, I understand your feelings but you can not force her to meet with you if she does not want to. If that is her and his stance then you have to tell him that you are going to have to challenge his visitation rights if he will not talk her into meeting with you or at least talking to you on the phone. I suspect she is concerned that you mean trouble. Maybe if he met with the two of you? In any case you may be left with the options of foregoing the meeting or taking them to court. Not great choices.

 

[AVeryGoodMom]

I didn't want to meet her alone... I wanted him there to help smooth things over, and I also agreed to talking to her on the phone... to no avail. If he fights it I guess I know what I have to do... :-/
Thank you!

 

[jharris352]

I'm sorry they are being so obstinate. You sound like you are being reasonable for whatever my opinion is worth.

 

[mightymoose]

This other woman probably just has a guilty conscience.
There is a good chance that the two of them knew each other before he moved out.
Personally, if I had concerns about where my kids were staying, I wouldn't allow them to go. Maybe she isn't a bad person, but the lack of cooperation would just make me suspicious. Unless there is a visitation order already in effect, you are under no obligation to let the kids go... and if there is an order, you can easily get it modified.

 

[AVeryGoodMom]

Actually, that is one of my concerns - the fact that she refuses worries me and I have to wonder why. At this point, I don't care about anything else, if he was cheating on me with her, whatever, all I care about is the welfare of my sons. He keeps telling me I should trust that he wouldn't let anything happen... the problem is, I don't trust anything when it comes to the future ex anymore. And there's no visitation in effect because he hasn't done anything, and since he STILL hasn't paid child support, I don't believe he has any rights in this matter anyway. It's unfortunate, becasue I really don't want my kids to miss out on time with their dad, but he's forcing me to be the bad guy, and I hate it.
Thank you for your input.

 

[mightymoose]

Not paying support is never a reason to deny visitation, and it will get you in trouble.
He is still allowed reasonable visitation with the kids, but unless there is a visitation agreement, you are under no obligation to let the kids go anywhere. In fact, if you really have legitimate concerns (which honestly I don't think you have established) you can go get the visitation order and have the court give you custody pending future agreements. In that order you can state the terms for visitation and hold him to it. In the end, if you are going to keep the kids out of this woman's house, you are going to have to come up with a convincing and legitimate reason that explains why it is unsafe or otherwise inappropriate.
You might want to consult with a family law attorney and see what you can do.