He got a TROto keep the kids out of my life!

[melaniein916]

I am a mom of 3 girls, ages 17,16,&12. Been married 18+years. I had an affair, which I confessed to because of guilty feelings.That was on June 5, 2010. Afew days later I went to Pa., to visit my Dad, who lives overseas, but was home for a visit. I was gone for 2 weeks. During this time, I was talking to my husband and kids, who were pretty mad at my betrayal.
During the "private" calls with my husband I heard one of our daughters respond to something I said and thats when I realized he had me on speaker phone so that they could hear both ends of the conversation.
This was just the beginning of my experiences with PARENTAL ALIENATION.When I came back to California, I did not feel ok with going home, so I stayed with a friend for 2 days and my co-cheater for two days. I went home on the fourth day, to find my sister in law and some skanky friend of hers saying I wasn't allowed in my own house, because I had abandoned my family. My husband was at a doctors appointment, so these were his orders. I know my rights so I called the cops, who of course told them to let me get a few things, but I had to come back when my STBX was home.
He has called this whole event --domestic abuse---. It is stated in the restraining order he got against me a few days later. One more thing, he had my middle daughter fill out the description of abuse part of the request for protection. They don't want anything to do with me since then.
I have other reasons for it is parental alienation, but I am powerless due to therestraining order.
There is a court date on Monday, 9/20/10 to address the issue of whether or not to extend it or drop it. What can I do to get this gone?

 

[CdwJava]

When you go to the hearing, you can explain why you are not a threat to any of them. Your STBX can then address the issue of custody and visitation in any separation or divorce papers he files in Family Court.

Your best bet would be to hire an attorney.

 

[army judge]

Your admission as to the infidelity is going to cost you dearly.

Have you not learned your lesson?

You then recount a four day disappearance and coming home journey and admit to spending two days with your paramour on this forum.

Stop digging.

Don't explain every painful, excruciating detail.

Remember that at the hearing.

Be brief in your responses and don't admit to anything.

Confessions are for the confessional, not the court room.

Let others prove what they assert.

Don't help them put the noose around your neck.

 

[melaniein916]

I agree with everything you say, but what do your points have to

do with a restraining order or domestic abuse, and visitation with my kids?

 

[melaniein916]

Ok

I agree with all of your points, but what do those ponts have to do with restrtaining orders or domestic abuse?

 

[CdwJava]

I agree with all of your points, but what do those ponts have to do with restrtaining orders or domestic abuse?

Because all of your actions might be used to show that you are somehow a danger to the children ... not quite sure how, but they might be.

You should be in possession of an affidavit that he used to support his application for the TRO. In that affidavit he apparently was able to show sufficient cause to indicate your actions were a threat to the kids or to him. What exactly did he allege? Understand that he has to articulate the reasons he is afraid of you.

 

[army judge]

I agree with everything you say, but what do your points have to

do with a restraining order or domestic abuse, and visitation with my kids?

Had you not CONFESSED your indiscretions, you wouldn't be where you are today!

Even after CONFESSING, you kept retelling and recounting your misdeeds.

As if that wasn't enough, you admit to it on this forum.

I am not being critical, unkind, demeaning, or cruel; I'm being a defense attorney.

I am trying to help you protect yourself.

All you need to do, is stop talking.

If confronted about any "alleged indiscretions", deny, deny, deny!

Do not lie, just deny, or get a memory lapse.

If I were you, I'd admit to nothing, except in the protected privacy of a religious sanctuary!!!!

The courtroom is NOT the place to admit to anything.

Not, if one expects to keep the legal wolves and coyotes from eating you alive!!!!

 

[CdwJava]

Uh ... she had best be careful ... a denial could rise to the level of perjury! Best to simply stay silent if one has the option rather than try to lie and claim a memory lapse or a sudden denial, "No I never had an affair .." Most people get caught in their lies and that taints most of their testimony before and after that slip up.

However, I fail to see how an affair is grounds for a TRO which must have an element of fear for harm to it. So, unless her actions can be turned into some sort of reasonable fear, her actions might give dad the edge for custody and visitation, but will do little or nothing to support the need for a TRO.

 

[army judge]

Uh ... she had best be careful ... a denial could rise to the level of perjury! Best to simply stay silent if one has the option rather than try to lie and claim a memory lapse or a sudden denial, "No I never had an affair .." Most people get caught in their lies and that taints most of their testimony before and after that slip up.

However, I fail to see how an affair is grounds for a TRO which must have an element of fear for harm to it. So, unless her actions can be turned into some sort of reasonable fear, her actions might give dad the edge for custody and visitation, but will do little or nothing to support the need for a TRO.

True, CDW, true.

But, unless it is uttered in court (or under oath), a person isn't under any legal obligation or duty to tell the truth.

Therefore, what was said in the past, not under oath, can be denied in the present.

However, it is a slippery line to walk.

That is why I advise everyone never to say anything.

A polite, "No comment", is always in order.

Or, "Under advice of my attorney, I have nothing to say about this matter at this time."

It isn't required, and it is generally costly.

 

[CdwJava]

I am still curious how the infidelity is being used as evidence of potential harm to the husband or the children. I can conceive of some possibilities, but it would take some other actions as well.

 

[army judge]

I am still curious how the infidelity is being used as evidence of potential harm to the husband or the children. I can conceive of some possibilities, but it would take some other actions as well.

I suspect the discussion of such matters in the presence of the tender ears of children could be one reason.

It might also be conceivable that the children witnessed some of these liaisons.

The paramour might have been a convicted child molester or abuser.

Whatever it is, a judge thought it reasonable for a TRO to issue.

 

[CdwJava]

But, in CA a TRO is about a threat of physical harm, not about damage to tender ears. The latter is an issue for the Family Court in custody and visitation, but would not be for the TRO.

The application concerns actual "abuse" and actions that make the applicant "afraid" for their safety. And "abuse" is generally defined as:

What is abuse?
"Abuse" means to hit, kick, hurt, scare, throw things, pull hair, push, follow, harass, sexually assault, or threaten to do any of these things. Abuse can be spoken, written, or physical.

Merely exposing the child to rude comments is not going to be sufficient. I would think that if that is all the husband has, then he got a judge who was asleep or comatose to approve the first order and will likely lose at the hearing.

 

[melaniein916]

I have the affadavit "description of abuse" which is a inaccurate description of the day I came to the house to get some things I needed. His basic reason for wanting the RO was because I was banging loudly on the front door and window. He said it scared my kids. I never threatened anything at all. He was home but asleep at the time, only my 16 year old came to the door and said "whatever you want, we sold it"through the door. NOone was hurt or threatened ever .Not even me.

 

[melaniein916]

ok, I understand. and I apologize if I seemed confrontational, because that is not how I meant to come across. I appreciate your honesty.

 

[army judge]

I have the affadavit "description of abuse" which is a inaccurate description of the day I came to the house to get some things I needed. His basic reason for wanting the RO was because I was banging loudly on the front door and window. He said it scared my kids. I never threatened anything at all. He was home but asleep at the time, only my 16 year old came to the door and said "whatever you want, we sold it"through the door. NOone was hurt or threatened ever .Not even me.

Noise can be said to cause alarm and fright, thereby breaching the peace and quiet of others.

I'd say if this were true, it would be more disorderly than violent.

But, I suppose that will be determined at the hearing.

I'd characterize what you did as being loud enough (by knocking, not beating on the door) in order to awaken your sleeping husband, rather than to cause alarm.

If said with sincerity and calmness, it would be believable.

After all, I'm sure you were distraught and disturbed by not being able to "mother" your children.

This would be upsetting and unsettling to anyone, especially a mother!

 

[melaniein916]

We had the hearing on Friday about the restraining order and to resolve the disagreement about the temp visitation orders. He asked for no visitationwhich the judge reacted to immediately by asking him how how long he wanted no visitation to last. My darling sweet innocent husband asked how long can it be for?The judge told him for 5 years max, and added "by which time,they will be adults. " He ordered us to immediate mediation, that was a week later. THe next hearing was to determine if the TRO will be extended. The mediater recommended 12therapy counseling sessions mininmum to help them with their complicated emotions, and to learn to recognize "manipulative people " that they have in their lives. They can contact me any time they want, but I need to stay away while they heal.All that was fine with me. I just worry because I'm not able to see how they are coping with all of thisIf I could rewind time, I would go about things a little different to protect them, which is mostly refuse to be put out of the house, where I could contol a little bit what they are hearing. It worked out fine anyways due to the judge recognizing my STBX was using the courts to alienate the kids from me. Thanks Again