Forceful Father

[Fearful4Real]

I have full custody of my daughter, whom is 3 years of age. Her father has said on many ocassions he wants to give up his parental rights and has given permission for her to be adopted. We moved from California to Oklahoma (also with his permission). It has been from the start that child support was an issue for him. Every time he is requested to pay, he "threatens" to sue in order to get custody of our daughter. He's made it clear he has his own family and just wants to be done with us. I'm starting to feel threatened by him calling me at work to "get information" from me. It is starting to become an emotional turmoil. What can I do? Does he have grounds to take her even though she is not yet adopted or? What are my options?? Please help!!

 

[Duranie]

Are you remarried? If you are not then there can be no adoption. I guess determine how much you wanrt to deal with him. Is there going to be a step-father adopting? Although he is obligated to pay CS if you do not pursue it, nobody will care unless you are on gov't assistance. Stop communicating with him. He has no grounds for custody but he is still entitled to visits if there is an order.

 

[Fearful4Real]

Are you remarried? If you are not then there can be no adoption. I guess determine how much you wanrt to deal with him. Is there going to be a step-father adopting? Although he is obligated to pay CS if you do not pursue it, nobody will care unless you are on gov't assistance. Stop communicating with him. He has no grounds for custody but he is still entitled to visits if there is an order.

I was never married to the father and I'm "working" on getting married. No REAL plans yet. Child support was ordered and the court order said no visitation because the father "wanted to be done" with me. I am on government assistance. I wasn't for the longest time until I moved. He called and said he'd take my daughter if I didn't get off assistance and stop suing him for CS. I haven't returned his phone calls the past weeks because I can't take it emotionally from him. He is only in contact with us when CS is an issue for him. He still has some rights because he pays child support but to spell it out quickly: I have full custody, no visitation for him. He is supposed to pay child support and he's mad because his wages keep being attached. I'm just really scared that he will do anything, even lie, to make my life miserable.

 

[WhirledPeas]

If there is no visitation and if the state is collecting support for you, there's no reason to take his phone calls. You might try sending a certified letter stating he is not permitted to contact you at work and if he continues to do so you will seek legal restraints. Do what you must do to follow the orders as they are written. I've never seen an order permitting harassment.

 

[WhirledPeas]

Also, you might encourage him to communicate with you via email or mail. If you happen to get a note from him saying he'll go after custody to get you back for collecting support, it won't look too good for him in court should he pursue it. You have a right to that support and the court has seen fit to give him no visitation so they're not likely to reverse a custody decision because dad is mad about paying support. Just do a good job of parenting, minimize contact in as professional and brief a manner as possible, and don't let him intimidate you.

 

[Fearful4Real]

Also, you might encourage him to communicate with you via email or mail. If you happen to get a note from him saying he'll go after custody to get you back for collecting support, it won't look too good for him in court should he pursue it. You have a right to that support and the court has seen fit to give him no visitation so they're not likely to reverse a custody decision because dad is mad about paying support. Just do a good job of parenting, minimize contact in as professional and brief a manner as possible, and don't let him intimidate you.

It truly is great to hear that. It does put me at ease. I think I will send request that he write instead of call. This will help me emotionally and it will also get his requests in writing. I've always believe documentation was the best key to proving a point and I've documented everything from the start. Heck, I even still have every payment stub for the CS he's paid from the start. It is great to hear that. Thank you very much.

 

[WhirledPeas]

You're welcome. I had an ex that did much better being civil to me when he put things in writing. Best of luck.

 

[Fearful4Real]

You're welcome. I had an ex that did much better being civil to me when he put things in writing. Best of luck.

Okay. This father finally wrote me in an email after not answering his calls. I told him I prefer things in writing. He wrote that he had been trying to get a hold of me and felt I was avoiding his calls. He said he had been wanting to try to settle things out of court and would like for me to give him a call. He said if I don't contact him, he has no other choice than to take me to court. I wrote him back that I haven't responded to his calls because I felt threatened and that everytime we talk, he wants me to give up assistance and to stop suing him for child support. I told him that I'm sorry he says his family is struggling but Karlie is his child too and he should take care of her. He emailed me back saying that I "begged" him to move and I was the one who "wanted" him to give up his rights (which I know isn't true because he's requested it in mediation and in front of the judge). Blah, blah, blah. Well, I finally called him to clear that up. He said that he is paying 65% of his check to me. I told him I hadn't received a dime for our daughter since February. Where could his money be going?? He said he wasn't going to pay for a daughter he couldn't see. He also recanted his permission for anyone to adopt our daughter. He said since she hasn't been adopted yet and the guy I was going to get married isn't in the picture anymore, he's going to make sure he gets 50/50. Is this possible? So, just a break down: 1. He's not yet paying child support for our daughter since it was last stopped, but 65% of his check is going somewhere. 2. He said he's never wanted to stop the relationship with his daughter, but he doesn't mind letting her be adopted and wants to give up his rights. 3. He says if I don't stop child support or get off government assistance, he will make sure we share our daughter 50/50. What are my options? What can I do? Does he have any grounds? What is your take on everything?? *Stressed out*

 

[WhirledPeas]

How long ago did you move from California?

The state is essentially paying itself back for your child's assistance - from dad's paycheck. You should be getting a monthly support stipend of $25-50 I believe, check with your support agency for the amount, if any. If he has an issue with how much the state is withholding, he needs to take it up with the state - it's out of your hands.

He has every right to ask the courts for permission to resume contact with his daughter. While it sounds like his reasons for limiting contact in the first place were dollar driven (he'd get out of CS if someone else adopted her) and somewhat smarmy, smarmy people are permitted contact with their kids all the time. Payment of support has NOTHING to do with custody or visitation in the courts eyes.

If you've been in your state over six months, the courts likely won't force you to move back and he'd have to file for a parenting plan modification (which you may have to travel back to answer if you can't get the case moved to Oklahoma). We can't lay odds on his chances, but 50-50 of a three year old who doesn't know him seems unlikely. He'll probably get something, you can push for supervised and/or graduated time for a certain period. He'd likely have to travel to see her until she's old enough to travel alone, and money seems like a big issue to him so that's not likely to happen. He may want 50-50 thinking that will eliminate his CS obligation, but it likely won't until your income approaches his.

Were it me, I'd stop communicating with him except in writing and then only briefly. If he balks, you could say you're worried about remembering something differently and this way lets you review who said what as often as you need to. If he wants to file for a modification, he can do so without harrassing you. Unless you have a dream job lined up, you'll need the assistance and his wages will continue to be attached. Even when you do get a job, it sounds like you might still want the state to help you collect CS.

 

[Fearful4Real]

How long ago did you move from California?

The state is essentially paying itself back for your child's assistance - from dad's paycheck. You should be getting a monthly support stipend of $25-50 I believe, check with your support agency for the amount, if any. If he has an issue with how much the state is withholding, he needs to take it up with the state - it's out of your hands.

He has every right to ask the courts for permission to resume contact with his daughter. While it sounds like his reasons for limiting contact in the first place were dollar driven (he'd get out of CS if someone else adopted her) and somewhat smarmy, smarmy people are permitted contact with their kids all the time. Payment of support has NOTHING to do with custody or visitation in the courts eyes.

If you've been in your state over six months, the courts likely won't force you to move back and he'd have to file for a parenting plan modification (which you may have to travel back to answer if you can't get the case moved to Oklahoma). We can't lay odds on his chances, but 50-50 of a three year old who doesn't know him seems unlikely. He'll probably get something, you can push for supervised and/or graduated time for a certain period. He'd likely have to travel to see her until she's old enough to travel alone, and money seems like a big issue to him so that's not likely to happen. He may want 50-50 thinking that will eliminate his CS obligation, but it likely won't until your income approaches his.

Were it me, I'd stop communicating with him except in writing and then only briefly. If he balks, you could say you're worried about remembering something differently and this way lets you review who said what as often as you need to. If he wants to file for a modification, he can do so without harrassing you. Unless you have a dream job lined up, you'll need the assistance and his wages will continue to be attached. Even when you do get a job, it sounds like you might still want the state to help you collect CS.

We moved here January 1st. We were official residents of OK as of July or so. I totally understand that the state may be paying themselves back and I did mention that to him. I am currently employed and I'm working a great job, but still can barely make ends meet. I am looking even into a part time job but that will also decrease my need for assistance. So, I know once he starts paying child support again (to my daughter), I won't need to assistance. Once he is allowed to see her, will that stop or reduce the child support? I know you said that it has nothing to do with one another... The mediator told us in California, that since he doesn't have a bond with our daughter, he won't get 50/50 unless he is willing to build that relationship over time (she was thinking every week visits, four hours for nearly a year). He has always said that that won't work for him. Since we're here and he's in California, and I know his income isn't enough to support the back and forth, as well as mine, what would happen then? What is graduated time? Basically, it sounds like a waiting game to see if he will follow through with his demands? Am I in "trouble" if he does file and my ex and I didn't get married and have him adopt her?

 

[Fearful4Real]

How long ago did you move from California?

The state is essentially paying itself back for your child's assistance - from dad's paycheck. You should be getting a monthly support stipend of $25-50 I believe, check with your support agency for the amount, if any. If he has an issue with how much the state is withholding, he needs to take it up with the state - it's out of your hands.

He has every right to ask the courts for permission to resume contact with his daughter. While it sounds like his reasons for limiting contact in the first place were dollar driven (he'd get out of CS if someone else adopted her) and somewhat smarmy, smarmy people are permitted contact with their kids all the time. Payment of support has NOTHING to do with custody or visitation in the courts eyes.

If you've been in your state over six months, the courts likely won't force you to move back and he'd have to file for a parenting plan modification (which you may have to travel back to answer if you can't get the case moved to Oklahoma). We can't lay odds on his chances, but 50-50 of a three year old who doesn't know him seems unlikely. He'll probably get something, you can push for supervised and/or graduated time for a certain period. He'd likely have to travel to see her until she's old enough to travel alone, and money seems like a big issue to him so that's not likely to happen. He may want 50-50 thinking that will eliminate his CS obligation, but it likely won't until your income approaches his.

Were it me, I'd stop communicating with him except in writing and then only briefly. If he balks, you could say you're worried about remembering something differently and this way lets you review who said what as often as you need to. If he wants to file for a modification, he can do so without harrassing you. Unless you have a dream job lined up, you'll need the assistance and his wages will continue to be attached. Even when you do get a job, it sounds like you might still want the state to help you collect CS.

We moved here January 1st. We were official residents of OK as of July or so. I totally understand that the state may be paying themselves back and I did mention that to him. I am currently employed and I'm working a great job, but still can barely make ends meet. I am looking even into a part time job but that will also decrease my need for assistance. So, I know once he starts paying child support again (to my daughter), I won't need to assistance. Once he is allowed to see her, will that stop or reduce the child support? I know you said that it has nothing to do with one another... The mediator told us in California, that since he doesn't have a bond with our daughter, he won't get 50/50 unless he is willing to build that relationship over time (she was thinking every week visits, four hours for nearly a year). He has always said that that won't work for him. Since we're here and he's in California, and I know his income isn't enough to support the back and forth, as well as mine, what would happen then? What is graduated time? Basically, it sounds like a waiting game to see if he will follow through with his demands? Am I in "trouble" if he does file and my ex and I didn't get married and have him adopt her? Oh, and we haven't gotten the $25 or anything you said. But wouldn't OK know something about the taxes being withheld from California?