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Feeling Helpless.

Discussion in 'Child Custody & Visitation' started by Sampson8, Sep 10, 2018.

  1. Sampson8

    Sampson8 Law Topic Starter New Member

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    Jurisdiction:
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    My wife and I are having some difficulties with her ex husband to the point where every where we turn it feels like more closed doors and nobody wanting to deal with the situation.

    There is constant on going issues of our daughter having ADHD in which the father does not believe in the diagnosis and refuses to treat her with her medication as prescribed by a specialist in child behavior. Recently the issues have come down to bruises being left on her legs from being spanked with items (has been reported to cps but all they did was talk to him nothing ever came of the reports), on two occasions now he has refused to take her during his visitation (but will take the son only).
    He has stated to both the mother and the daughter that the reason she is not allowed to go is because she cannot behave and wont listen so she isn't allowed to go.

    What can be done ? Who can we talk to ? We are barely making ends meet financially and the lawyers we have been referred to so far have been so expensive that we would never be able to come up with that kind of money. We are really trying to get help before its too late both for our son and daughter.

    Thank you for your time.
     
  2. Disabled Vet

    Disabled Vet Active Member

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    What do you want done? Force him to take the daughter even though you stated he didn't give her the meds? Seem like he corrected the issue for you.
     
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  3. leslie82

    leslie82 Well-Known Member

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    Your daughter with your wife or her daughter with her ex husband?

    Legally spanking and corporal punishment are legal in all 50 states if not excessive or unreasonable and they must have not deemed it unreasonable after they talked to him or excessive. I would but I'm not a CPS worker.

    So he's not utilizing his visitation with his daughter but only with his son? Well he doesn't have to exercise any of his visitation if he doesn't choose to do it. But your wife has to let him have his daughter when he does want to utilize it. She can try to modify visitation in regards to the daughter if she wishes.
     
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  4. txls

    txls Well-Known Member

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    It sounds like maybe it's best if she doesn't go to him. What exactly do you want to be done?
     
  5. shrinkmaster

    shrinkmaster Well-Known Member

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    If CPS saw marks on child's legs and was told it came from spankings with objects I find it difficult to see why they did not take some action. Its very possible they have done something but since child doe snot live with this person or persons you (The custodial parents) are not aware. they may have to take parenting classes or counseling etc. It may be that CPS has indeed done something. This site host a "Parenting forum" as well for non legal issues. You can talk to other parents there who may have dealt with similar situations and get some advice there. Here is site Parent Nook Forums - Index page
     
  6. Sampson8

    Sampson8 Law Topic Starter New Member

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    It’s not so much forcing him to take her as it is getting the court to do somthing about the continual contempt, he picks and chooses what he follows, by court decision he is to give her the medication unless provided documentation stating she does not require it by a second doctor at his cost(which he refuses to do). The bigger issue is the emotional and mental effects of the children’s bounds to brother and sister , the son is being taught it’s ok treat people badly just because they are different. Which has been happening with him at school and mostly treating girls at school disrespectful. The daughter is constantly asking why her father doesn’t want to see her or why she is always being sent away and never gets to spend time with him. If he is going to be a parent he needs to be a parent to both or give up his rights. As it stands he is also 5 months behind on child support (not one cent). He job hops to avoid the payments.
     
  7. Sampson8

    Sampson8 Law Topic Starter New Member

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    I may be wrong because I am not a lawyer but the court order specifically states shall have possession not “shall have the right” which is stated on other occasions. By that reading I gather he does not have a choice to exercise wether or not he does or doesn’t get visitation according to the court.
     
  8. Sampson8

    Sampson8 Law Topic Starter New Member

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    Both children are with her and her ex. Our secondary concern with the matter is that in court he can say we denied to let the daughter go with him on specific dates (he has taken us to court twice now on false pretenses that eventually got thrown out but drained our savings to hire a lawyer to defend ourselves)
     
  9. txls

    txls Well-Known Member

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    There is no way to force someone to be a good parent.
     
  10. leslie82

    leslie82 Well-Known Member

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    He has to prove you didn't let them go with him with text, messages or video. Him saying it doesn't really do much. You also don't have to have a lawyer either.

    I'm not a lawyer either but have spoken to a few including my own on visitation. The noncustodial parent does not have an obligation to exercise their visitation - they will not ever be held in contempt of not utilizing their visitation. The custodial parent HAS to allow the visitation and cannot withhold it otherwise he or she would be held in contempt.

    Example: when I was with my ex husband his first ex wife consistently withheld visitation due to lack of child support. That is contempt. That is illegal. You cannot do things like that but he was lazy and wouldn't take her to court so I ended up paying child support so we could see the kids.

    So another - let's say there was ever a point that your wife didn't let him have his court ordered visitation and he could prove that she didn't allow it. That would be contempt. BUT him not coming to pick up the kids on his time, he can't get in trouble for it. He could lose it if the CP modified visitation due to lack of visiting. But he will never be held in contempt.
     
  11. ElleMD

    ElleMD Well-Known Member

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    You can't force him to take the daughter, or take both kids and not just one. If he is not compliant with meds and is mistreating the daughter, it would seem she "lucked out" that he doesn't want to see her. If he was utilizing his parenting time and was refusing to comply with meds and therapy, you could take him to court to have those made part of the order and if he didn't do it, have him held in contempt. You can also try and get certain disciplinary measures written into the custody agreement but that is much more difficult as spanking is legal and even married parents do not agree on how to deal with misbehaving kids. Courts are much more reluctant to order certain techniques be used or banned unless it is extreme. It is not clear how extreme this case is but if CPS has declined to take any action, it will be harder to argue his method is so egregious a court must weight in on it.

    If he isn't paying child support you can take him to court for that.
     
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  12. shrinkmaster

    shrinkmaster Well-Known Member

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    I understand your cost are an issue but you can get legal help through legal aid. Try making that call they could give you instructions on how to deal with this in court on your own if you cannot afford an Attorney
     
  13. ElleMD

    ElleMD Well-Known Member

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    I'd also strongly suggest getting the kids and possibly the whole family, into counseling. If you aren't able to teach your son to treat people decently, you need to learn some techniques to do so. If your daughter is having difficulty with her father, you can't fix that, but she can learn ways to cope with it constructively. Married or not, counseling can help co-parents navigate differences in discipline and other practices in a constructive way that doesn't pit one against the other. If you are the step-parent, it can help you figure out how to support the parents' roles.
     
  14. KatDini

    KatDini Well-Known Member

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    Actually, OP cannot do anything that anyone is suggesting, as he is not a party to the court orders as a stepparent. In fact, as a stepparent, this is legally none of his business. Legally, the children are not "his" no matter how he might feel.

    The only party in OP's marriage that can do anything legally or through the courts is Mom.
     
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  15. Sampson8

    Sampson8 Law Topic Starter New Member

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    I am well aware of my standing with the court, that said I came here for advice on how to approach this with the wife I don’t consider this just her problem especially when I consider “her kids” ours and build a foundation around that. Your post really serves no actual purpose as most people who have dealt with this situation would know the step parent has no legal recourse.
    Please refrain from posting any more useless information here, I came here for advice not being told I can’t do anything.
     
  16. shrinkmaster

    shrinkmaster Well-Known Member

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    You cant tell people what they can or cannot post its the risk you take posting on open forum. You can take what you can use and leave the rest. I and others are Step Parents as well as parents here so it similar issues for us. Not everyone who comes here understands they have no legal rights. Some of us may come across as rude but again use what you can and leave the rest
     
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  17. army judge

    army judge Super Moderator

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    Sometimes an answer says you can do X, Y, or Z.

    On other occasions an answer tells you NOT to do A, B, or C.

    You have free will.

    You can choose to do whatever you wish to do.

    No one here has the ability to force you to do something, or refrain from doing something.

    Our posters volunteer their time because they enjoy helping others.

    None of our posters are perfect, including myself.

    I typed all of that to gt to this point.

    I often lecture high school students about doing well in life, making good choices, and respecting others.

    I always remind them that all the choices we make have consequences, either good or bad.

    Always choose wisely, deliberately, and proceed with caution.
     
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  18. leslie82

    leslie82 Well-Known Member

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    You'd be surprised how many stepparents do NOT realize they don't have any legal standing. So the post does serve a purpose as we deal with a lot of that on here.

    Also you don't get to decide who does and doesn't post. Sorry. Also no one can give you actual legal advice on this website either.

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