Ending Visitation

[84Mommy]

I was married to the father of my 2 toddlers and he left all of us back in 2008 (they were then infants) to go "live life to its fullest" claiming he made a mistake and was not ready to be a father or a husband. Since that day his life completely spiraled out of control with the law, drugs, scary pathological lying (maybe that's drug related?) etc. He has no remorse and openly admits everything he has done thus far. Against my attorney's wishes at the time, we set up supervised visitation every saturday with the separation (which I had to do because he can't be bothered to go to court) hoping he might get his act together.

It has been 2 years now and he has NEVER come to see the kids, not even phone calls to check up on them or gifts, etc. (I'm pretty sure he is under some kind of influence when he calls me because all he talks about are his latest endeavors, which sadden me each time).

I am now regretting having set up that visitation in fear that he may now someday show up, he is the type that would scream " here's daddy" to my toddlers who don't even know him or of him as he is never even brought up. Chances are slim but it still scares me with how out of control he is.

And I am now receiving child support since he just got on unemployment so DCS started garnishing it.

I just met with a new attorney as our divorce is finalizing soon (month and a half away), she wants $5,000 and says it will probably go over this amount to nix the visitation (or at least request a drug evaluation/psych evaluation/age appropriate parenting classes before any visitation is granted)... I am 90% sure he won't show up but there is a slim chance he might and it is hit or miss with his anger and/or being totally submissive as it changes all the time.

Will I be hard pressed to find this any cheaper? I have met with 2 attorneys thus far. And does anyone have any other suggestions as to what I could/should do?

Any help is appreciated, and I tried to make this as brief as possible so I'm sure there will be more questions for me to answer.

 

[army judge]

I was married to the father of my 2 toddlers and he left all of us back in 2008 (they were then infants) to go "live life to its fullest" claiming he made a mistake and was not ready to be a father or a husband. Since that day his life completely spiraled out of control with the law, drugs, scary pathological lying (maybe that's drug related?) etc. He has no remorse and openly admits everything he has done thus far. Against my attorney's wishes at the time, we set up supervised visitation every saturday with the separation (which I had to do because he can't be bothered to go to court) hoping he might get his act together.

It has been 2 years now and he has NEVER come to see the kids, not even phone calls to check up on them or gifts, etc. (I'm pretty sure he is under some kind of influence when he calls me because all he talks about are his latest endeavors, which sadden me each time).

I am now regretting having set up that visitation in fear that he may now someday show up, he is the type that would scream " here's daddy" to my toddlers who don't even know him or of him as he is never even brought up. Chances are slim but it still scares me with how out of control he is.

And I am now receiving child support since he just got on unemployment so DCS started garnishing it.

I just met with a new attorney as our divorce is finalizing soon (month and a half away), she wants $5,000 and says it will probably go over this amount to nix the visitation (or at least request a drug evaluation/psych evaluation/age appropriate parenting classes before any visitation is granted)... I am 90% sure he won't show up but there is a slim chance he might and it is hit or miss with his anger and/or being totally submissive as it changes all the time.

Will I be hard pressed to find this any cheaper? I have met with 2 attorneys thus far. And does anyone have any other suggestions as to what I could/should do?

Any help is appreciated, and I tried to make this as brief as possible so I'm sure there will be more questions for me to answer.

It may be a dream of yours to get his visitation rights taken away.
Personally, I don't think he should ever get to see those kids, again.
Along those same lines, I'd never take a dime from that bum for child support.

Legally, because that is what this forum is about, it is almost impossible to have bums stripped of their visitation rights.
It happens, but so do hurricanes and earthquakes, right?
I'm exaggerating, but I hope you understand that it is hard to take away parental rights.
If I had to make that decision, let him hang himself by not visiting the kids.
Keep a log, documenting each time he fails to show!
One day, that log will be useful.
Unfortunately, the courts will give him more time to let his kids down!

Your attorney's fees are about right.
I'd forget fighting to strip him of his visitation rights, for now.
As I said, it is a tad early to try and take his rights to visit.
You might win, but why spend money to stop him from doing something he isn't doing anyway?
That will save you some money, too.

I'd suggest you focus on finalizing YOUR divorce.
That way he's legally our of YOUR life, if not your kid's lives.
Hey, one small step, right?

Give it another year, maybe two, and you can legally get this bum out your family's life!
There are others on this forum that will offer you sound advice, too.
Many have lived a nightmare similar to yours.
One or two have fought similar battles in Washington State, too.

So, hang on, lots of great advice is coming your way by morning.
I wish you well.
I regret you chose to have babies with this creature.
But, you're fixing that real soon!

 

[84Mommy]

Thanks a bunch for the sound advice. It is frustrating, especially as a mother when my biggest fear is my children following in his footsteps and suffering mental or emotional damage. The last thing I want is for this kind of situation to be acceptable to my children as adults when they become parents as this is already a pattern on their father's side a couple generations back. I agree on the divorce first, and I had a feeling that ending the visitation was the money pit.

My first attorney didn't draw up any parenting plan, just a temporary order, so I guess I will just go with what's in the temp. order and just add that I would prefer he has to jump through a couple hoops (the drug eval./parenting course) before seeing the children since my attorney made that part sound pretty easy.

I know he will not accomplish any/either of those demands anytime soon as he doesn't have the drive or desire or maybe there is another reason, I don't really know. But, one more year or two of him not showing up should help in court and after that maybe shoot for ending the visitation.

 

[army judge]

Thanks a bunch for the sound advice. It is frustrating, especially as a mother when my biggest fear is my children following in his footsteps and suffering mental or emotional damage. The last thing I want is for this kind of situation to be acceptable to my children as adults when they become parents as this is already a pattern on their father's side a couple generations back. I agree on the divorce first, and I had a feeling that ending the visitation was the money pit.

My first attorney didn't draw up any parenting plan, just a temporary order, so I guess I will just go with what's in the temp. order and just add that I would prefer he has to jump through a couple hoops (the drug eval./parenting course) before seeing the children since my attorney made that part sound pretty easy.

I know he will not accomplish any/either of those demands anytime soon as he doesn't have the drive or desire or maybe there is another reason, I don't really know. But, one more year or two of him not showing up should help in court and after that maybe shoot for ending the visitation.

Good luck, and a belated Happy Mother's Day.

I commend you for doing alone what that BUM should be helping you do, raise those precious babies!

Get the divorce, and who knows, he may not be around in a year or two; if he persists in doing that illegal "STUFF".

But, hey, that is his choice.

You're choosing wisely, and one day those kids will make you very proud!

Good on you for breaking that cycle.

Those kids have a great mom.

They don't need a dope addict man for a father!

 

[84Mommy]

Thank you so very much for the support and opinions. I took your advice into thought and have decided to just ask for the basics given what he has told me, and the lack of him showing up to anything as of yet. I really hope this does help me save some money as I know this will be pricey in the future as well.

- impact of divorce on children workshop (which I thought was mandatory anyway)
- age appropriate parenting class
- a drug evaluation
- possibly a psych evaluation (or at least ask for a way to be kept in the loop as to what diseases he is battling with or any antipsychotics he is on while around the children)

I'm also going to try to bring visitations (still supervised) down to one saturday a month or at least every other saturday so we aren't waiting around every single saturday as we have for 2 years. Also hoping we can demand somewhere that he must come alone with no current girlfriends/friends/acquaintances, and possibly a phone call if he does someday want to show up so we can know at least a day or two in advance.

I'm hoping if he ever does show up smelling of a distillery or marijuana that I will be able to inform the courts and have something done about that...


Do you think all of this would sound reasonable??