Drugs and alcohol use by parents, non-habitual

[missjamie]

Jurisdiction

Minnesota

I have no custody order in place, we have a hearing set for later this month. My child's father has been keeping her from me for almost two months now. I had her for a few days and then he picked her up from daycare and hasn't returned her in 3 weeks (for the second time in two months). I've been so depressed (I'm also a witness in a trial to testify against the man that molested me), I just lost my job (trust me, I know how this looks), my ex has been harrassing me and stalking me for months and I have proof. So, there were a few nights I went out drinking and decided to take some adderrall or a sniff of something stronger. I've been clean for 2 years up until the last few months and i've only used recreationally, barely anything at all. My daughter was never with me when i've chosen to do that either. But my ex got wind of what I did and is requesting a hair follicle test at the hearing that I will probably fail. Let me just say that I am a good mother and always have been. I love my daughter to death and we have a super close relationship. Since she's been born I've worked my ass off to get somewhere in life and I was successful. My ex hated that because he's a loser. So, unfortunately now I have to worry about this stupid test making it look like i'm a habitual drug user and that's far from the case. I would NEVER use drugs if I had my daughter with me so in my opinion it wouldnt be fair to take my child from me for this. Do you think they'll give me a chance to prove myself for awhile before they make a final decision? Not one person on the planet could or would say that I'm a bad mom in fact quite the opposite. My ex is an abusive psycho and is manipulating everything so that he doesn't have to pay child support. He's never paid a dime of child support and I've had her since the day she was born. I've supported her, without government assistance, the entire time. I'm also going to file for a restraining order on Monday due to his abuse and stalking. He's also a felon and has an old assault charge with substancial bodily harm. I will be getting an attorney next week when my taxes come back, my ex has had one for months. But I just need to know what I can do to prove that I'm the better parent, even though I had a couple rough nights and had some fun while my daughter was away. I just need somebody to tell me that they're not just going to take her from me over this. Wouldn't they have to prove that I'm an unfit parent? There is no proof of that anywhere so will they take that into consideration? I've met many parents that are active addicts that are unfit, in those cases I understand how they lose their kids. But this is not at all the same. I'm hoping one positive test won't ruin mine and my daughter's life because that's not fair to either of us. My daughter needs me and I'd never do drugs or get drunk around her, it was lapse of judgement but like i said I didn't have my daughter with me for weeks at a time. How can I get out of the test? The only reason I say that isn't because I'm an active addict that doesn't wanna get caught, I ask because I'm a good mother and my daughter and I deserve to be together. I've been her sole provider since day one. Please help. Thank you

 

[mightymoose]

Your drug use, even though your daughter was not present, will work against you in any custody hearing.
You should look into attending a rehab group and stay clean for at least a couple years. Until then the child's father is likely going to maintain custody and be in the driver's seat.
You will be best off through this process with the assistance of counsel.

 

[missjamie]

Thank you

 

[leslie82]

I have no custody order in place, we have a hearing set for later this month. My child's father has been keeping her from me for almost two months now. I had her for a few days and then he picked her up from daycare and hasn't returned her in 3 weeks (for the second time in two months). I've been so depressed (I'm also a witness in a trial to testify against the man that molested me), I just lost my job (trust me, I know how this looks), my ex has been harrassing me and stalking me for months and I have proof. So, there were a few nights I went out drinking and decided to take some adderrall or a sniff of something stronger. I've been clean for 2 years up until the last few months and i've only used recreationally, barely anything at all. My daughter was never with me when i've chosen to do that either. But my ex got wind of what I did and is requesting a hair follicle test at the hearing that I will probably fail. Let me just say that I am a good mother and always have been. I love my daughter to death and we have a super close relationship. Since she's been born I've worked my ass off to get somewhere in life and I was successful. My ex hated that because he's a loser. So, unfortunately now I have to worry about this stupid test making it look like i'm a habitual drug user and that's far from the case. I would NEVER use drugs if I had my daughter with me so in my opinion it wouldnt be fair to take my child from me for this. Do you think they'll give me a chance to prove myself for awhile before they make a final decision? Not one person on the planet could or would say that I'm a bad mom in fact quite the opposite. My ex is an abusive psycho and is manipulating everything so that he doesn't have to pay child support. He's never paid a dime of child support and I've had her since the day she was born. I've supported her, without government assistance, the entire time. I'm also going to file for a restraining order on Monday due to his abuse and stalking. He's also a felon and has an old assault charge with substancial bodily harm. I will be getting an attorney next week when my taxes come back, my ex has had one for months. But I just need to know what I can do to prove that I'm the better parent, even though I had a couple rough nights and had some fun while my daughter was away. I just need somebody to tell me that they're not just going to take her from me over this. Wouldn't they have to prove that I'm an unfit parent? There is no proof of that anywhere so will they take that into consideration? I've met many parents that are active addicts that are unfit, in those cases I understand how they lose their kids. But this is not at all the same. I'm hoping one positive test won't ruin mine and my daughter's life because that's not fair to either of us. My daughter needs me and I'd never do drugs or get drunk around her, it was lapse of judgement but like i said I didn't have my daughter with me for weeks at a time. How can I get out of the test? The only reason I say that isn't because I'm an active addict that doesn't wanna get caught, I ask because I'm a good mother and my daughter and I deserve to be together. I've been her sole provider since day one. Please help. Thank you

Were you two married when the child was born or are you currently married and divorcing? If you two aren't married and weren't married when the child was born, and he hasn't established hist rights and there's no custody order in place, why did you let him keep the child? I would have called the police and he would have had to give the child back to you. Instead you have let him essentially kidnap the child. Then you use this as an excuse to do drugs? I get it you've been through some shit but lots of people have. If anyone ever took my daughter from me I'd fight until the ends of the Earth to get her back. I would not touch drugs or alcohol. So I have zero sympathy that instead of fighting to get your daughter back or finding out what rights he did or didn't have, you went out and "had a little fun."

I'm a single mom. My ex husband is an addict. You know what I've done in the last 4 1/2 years from the time I got pregnant until now? Worked and took care of my daughter. My ex would go out and party, get fucked up, take all my money, cheat. I have been there for her since the day she was born, every hospital visit, every ER visit, every doctor appointment, given her meds, shots, etc. That's being someone's sole provider since day one. The only time I have left her is when I had to go away for training and left her with my family. Everything I do is for my daughter. I don't do anything for myself. I get 2 hours 3 x a week when the respite nurse comes and I have to use that to work out, grocery shop and if I go to the store I usually buy her clothes or anything she needs.

There are times once in awhile it would be nice to go out and have fun. Or just sip a margarita one day. But I don't have that luxury. I'm not trying to sound like a bitch or be judgy but it just hits a nerve when I see people say "I love my kid, I just got high and had fun when she was away."

This drug use isn't going to help you at all - and it doesn't matter how manipulative he is. If you fail a drug test, it's going to look bad. You will probably be mandated to take drug classes and maybe take a drug test that you have to pay for.

I hope you have had your wake up call and just stop using and partying and having fun. What you should have done was the minute he didn't bring your kid back was call the cops and you should have gotten an attorney three weeks ago. Now you've just screwed yourself a little bit with these shenanigans.

 

[mightymoose]

I would have called the police and he would have had to give the child back to you.

Not necessarily. If there are allegations of abuse or legitimate safety concerns she would not automatically get them back. The kids might end up with social services temporarily, but it would not be unheard of to leave them with the father pending a hearing if there was no dispute of his relationship to the kids (or in foster care).

Instead you have let him essentially kidnap the child.

This is not an example of kidnapping.

What you should have done was the minute he didn't bring your kid back was call the cops.

Doing this may have landed her in jail if she had been using. It's the very first thing I would look for in a situation like this.

 

[army judge]

Thank you

It doesn't matter what you may have done.

It doesn't matter what you know you have done.

What matters in your case is IF you were NOT married to the male who believes he impregnated you, YOU AND ONLY YOU have ALL parental rights to YOUR baby.

If I were you, I'd take a copy of MY baby's birth certificate and my drivers license or state ID card and visit the sheriff or police agency where YOUR ABDUCTED child is being held.

I'd report the KIDNAPPING and ask the police to meet me or take me to the location where YOUR child is being held.

An unmarried male who believes or even has DNA proof he is the father of a child born to a woman out of marriage has as much rights to the child as does a dead person, NONE.

Even a hearing such as the one soon to be held won't bestow custody on him and wrest it away from you, even if you abuse drugs.

He might get visitation, usually supervised.

After this stunt, if you report it today, he might get nothing.

He might even get charged criminally.

Until a court adjudicates his allegations, you've done nothing.

Drug abuse is not necessarily a crime, however if you love your baby your best play is to get help ASAP and love your baby more than those lousy life ruining drugs.

Stop today. Stop because you love yourself and your baby.

Don't allow bad things to make you a bad person.

That baby needs a mother.

 

[leslie82]

Not necessarily. If there are allegations of abuse or legitimate safety concerns she would not automatically get them back. The kids might end up with social services temporarily, but it would not be unheard of to leave them with the father pending a hearing if there was no dispute of his relationship to the kids (or in foster care).



This is not an example of kidnapping.



Doing this may have landed her in jail if she had been using. It's the very first thing I would look for in a situation like this.

She claims she didn't start using until after her ex had the child but who knows?

If he doesn't have any parental rights or custody of the kid through the court then as I understand yes it's kidnapping.

Either way, I would not leave my child with an alleged sociopath for 3 weeks and go out and party because I was "so depressed" or whatever. I would have done whatever I had to in order to get my child back. But I suppose priorities...