Best Interest of the Children - alcohol/drugs

[TNgirlie]

My soon-to-ex husband is pointing a finger at me as being an alcoholic after a domestic issue one night and to my lawyers advice, I admitted myself into an outpatient program. The problem now is that it seems to be the primary focus of our divorce case and child custody, however my STBX is a drug addict, five time felon who still drinks himself (can be proven). I am sober now and plan to be for some time, if not forever. I have asked my atty for a drug/alcohol assessment for both of us in an effort to determine who really is the one with issues, but I'm not getting anywhere with this request.

I will go to trial for custody of my children if nothing can get solved beforehand, but right now he was awarded temporary custody based on the domestic dispute and a brief order of protection hearing. What can I do to ensure custody of my children, if anything? Again, he is a 5 time drug addict felon, in and out of jail for 10 years and I have done nothing but work my whole life and obviously made some mistakes with the men I chose to date a few years ago...

 

[Proserpina]

If he has temporary custody you need to listen to your attorney and do exactly what your attorney recommends.

Yes, you made a mistake - and this is how the courts will see it:

You thought this guy, despite his history, was good Daddy material. We agree. Unless you can come up with new, recent evidence that he's NOT fit, we will not find him unfit to be Dad.

****

Now, were there conditions attached to the temporary custody? When did this happen? How long have the kids been in his care?

 

[TNgirlie]

I never said he was an unfit dad, but I'm not an unfit mom either. And quite honestly, I only lived with him for 3 months before we got pregnant (with twins), so I didn't seek him out to have kids with and I didn't know his entire prison/criminal history prior to getting pregnant, it was only when I was 6 months along that I found out the other half of it. I'm also not saying he shouldn't be a big part of his children's lives, but to remove them from my custody altogether, seems a bit harsh considering I'm not a drug abusing, convicted felon, don't you think? This temp custody has been in effect for 2 months. Divorce is pending.

 

[jharris352]

Its very unlikely that you will have your children removed from your custody. If your attorney will not make an issue of his past, fire your attorney and get a new one. His past and present is just as relevant as yours if not more because you at least went through rehab.

On a side note I would watch what you say. You just finished rehab and you say that you are sober and intend to be so for "sometime" if not forever. As you know the prevailing thought on addiction is that it is a permanent disease. I personally think it's a bs lame excuse for those who relapse but that is the prevailing wisdom.

If anyone in the court hears you say "for some time" instead of forever, they are not going to consider you to be rehabilitated.

Further another lesson for rehabilitation is taking responsibility for your actions. You say, I only was living with him 3 months when I got pregnant as if that means you didn't consider what kind of daddy material this man was before you did the deed. That doesn't speak very highly of your judgment and forethought or your ability to take responsibility for your actions.

I personally couldn't care less except that your children have to deal with the consequences. However, if you get on the stand and say such silliness you will be seen as having no sense of responsibility for your actions.

Its hard to fake responsibility but you need to try, because you are bleeding excuses and that will hurt you in court.

 

[Proserpina]

I'll respectfully disagree somewhat; in family court, Dad's past is really only going to become relevant if it poses a current danger to the children.

Even convicted felons have rights to their children, and can become primary custodial parents.

 

[army judge]

I'll respectfully disagree somewhat; in family court, Dad's past is really only going to become relevant if it poses a current danger to the children.

Even convicted felons have rights to their children, and can become primary custodial parents.

All too true, Prospreina.

I now present for you, Mr. OJ Simpson!!!!

 

[jharris352]

I doubt seriously someone with his past has cleaned up his act. You make a big assumption that this is his past and not his present. Besides, the children are young. The law absolutely favors the MOTHER with young children. That's why I doubt she will lose custody.

 

[Proserpina]

I doubt seriously someone with his past has cleaned up his act. You make a big assumption that this is his past and not his present. Besides, the children are young. The law absolutely favors the MOTHER with young children. That's why I doubt she will lose custody.

The thing is that the court has already decided that Dad is fit to be a parent, hence temporary custody. Will this change? Can't say. It could go either way. But the fact that Mom does NOT have custody at the moment may be the biggest issue she has to deal with.

I'm not making any assumptions here, but simply responding to what was posted.

 

[TNgirlie]

The thing is that the court has already decided that Dad is fit to be a parent, hence temporary custody. Will this change? Can't say. It could go either way. But the fact that Mom does NOT have custody at the moment may be the biggest issue she has to deal with.

I'm not making any assumptions here, but simply responding to what was posted.

The temp order came during an order of protection hearing... neither of us had filed for divorce yet, and my Atty did try to bring up his past but was shut down because "it was not the forum". As far as his past goes, it spans 15 years and involves sex offense, firearms, and drugs. Just got off felony probation last year.

 

[TNgirlie]

Its very unlikely that you will have your children removed from your custody. If your attorney will not make an issue of his past, fire your attorney and get a new one. His past and present is just as relevant as yours if not more because you at least went through rehab.

On a side note I would watch what you say. You just finished rehab and you say that you are sober and intend to be so for "sometime" if not forever. As you know the prevailing thought on addiction is that it is a permanent disease. I personally think it's a bs lame excuse for those who relapse but that is the prevailing wisdom.

If anyone in the court hears you say "for some time" instead of forever, they are not going to consider you to be rehabilitated.

Further another lesson for rehabilitation is taking responsibility for your actions. You say, I only was living with him 3 months when I got pregnant as if that means you didn't consider what kind of daddy material this man was before you did the deed. That doesn't speak very highly of your judgment and forethought or your ability to take responsibility for your actions.

I personally couldn't care less except that your children have to deal with the consequences. However, if you get on the stand and say such silliness you will be seen as having no sense of responsibility for your actions.

Its hard to fake responsibility but you need to try, because you are bleeding excuses and that will hurt you in court.

You can only take recovery one day at a time... if I go in saying I will never drink again, I'm not following the beliefs of recovery. And I don't know if you have heard of jailhouse talk, but I fell for it. We married, he relapsed on dope and got thrown in jail. I decided to stay with him 'cause the letters were so sincere. He came home and 3 months later I was pregnant and 24 months later, here I am.

 

[Proserpina]

The temp order came during an order of protection hearing... neither of us had filed for divorce yet, and my Atty did try to bring up his past but was shut down because "it was not the forum". As far as his past goes, it spans 15 years and involves sex offense, firearms, and drugs. Just got off felony probation last year.

When exactly were the offenses?

What exactly were the convictions?

Are you prepared to answer, when asked - because you will be asked - why you didn't take the time to get to know this person before he became the father of your child? Is he a threat to your child right at this moment? You knew his history somewhat, but you still decided he was ok Daddy material. Why now then, should the court disagree?

I'm not trying to be mean or obnoxious - I'm being realistic.

Don't get me wrong - I really do understand where you're coming from. But your choices and your decisions will be brought into question.

 

[TNgirlie]

When exactly were the offenses?

What exactly were the convictions?

Are you prepared to answer, when asked - because you will be asked - why you didn't take the time to get to know this person before he became the father of your child? Is he a threat to your child right at this moment? You knew his history somewhat, but you still decided he was ok Daddy material. Why now then, should the court disagree?

I'm not trying to be mean or obnoxious - I'm being realistic.

Don't get me wrong - I really do understand where you're coming from. But your choices and your decisions will be brought into question.

Again, I never said he shouldn't be a daddy. But primary parent is scary based on his past. But yes,, I am prepared to answer the questions about his convictions, background checks. And I do feel he is presently a threat.... but that's not something I can share here. Thank you so much for your feedback

 

[jharris352]

The thing is that the court has already decided that Dad is fit to be a parent, hence temporary custody. Will this change? Can't say. It could go either way. But the fact that Mom does NOT have custody at the moment may be the biggest issue she has to deal with.

I'm not making any assumptions here, but simply responding to what was posted.

A temporary order of custody does not mean the Father is or has been found fit. As the Father he is presumed fit unless proven otherwise. If he filed for temporary custody and showed her to be even to be "not in the best interest" of the child he could have wrangled temporary custody from her. So you are making a bit of an assumption.

Of course the OP has not said, even with some prompting that his behavior is anything but past. Past behavior IS taken into account. If you were stripping him of his rights or something past behavior is not sufficient there must be current misconduct that results in the child being subjected to neglect or abuse.

As it is the Judge will stand the two of them up and look at the overall picture. The standard is not "unfitness" it is "best interest of the child." He does not have to show her to be unfit, neither does she have to show him unfit, the Judge has to look at the overall picture and decide what is in the best interest of the child. This is not Deprivation or Termination hearing where unfitness comes into play.

I still think, if the Mother has cleaned up her act, and she has a job and proper place to stay that she will not lose custody of children under seven years old. While the father's past, without some recent misconduct does not automatically disqualify him I think you can see how felony convictions (especially in the last 10 years), drug use, and sexual offenses are a "pattern of behavior" that cannot be ignored. I would not be so quick to say that he has a good chance to get custody.

The OP needs to stay on the path that she is on, she needs to bring out the past of her ex, she needs to ask the court for a drug and alcohol evaluation of her ex, and then show how she can provide an environment that is better for the child than the one he can provide. She has a decent chance of winning.

 

[TNgirlie]

I still think, if the Mother has cleaned up her act, and she has a job and proper place to stay that she will not lose custody of children under seven years old. While the father's past, without some recent misconduct does not automatically disqualify him I think you can see how felony convictions (especially in the last 10 years), drug use, and sexual offenses are a "pattern of behavior" that cannot be ignored. I would not be so quick to say that he has a good chance to get custody.

The OP needs to stay on the path that she is on, she needs to bring out the past of her ex, she needs to ask the court for a drug and alcohol evaluation of her ex, and then show how she can provide an environment that is better for the child than the one he can provide. She has a decent chance of winning.

Well, good news, I've had a job my whole adult life One plus! I do not really have a proper place to stay, because during the order of protection hearing, he was also awarded the residence and I am unable to get any of my belongings to date. All of this came about because we seperated and he chose to come home a week before our domestic dispute, and obviously it was not a good idea. A week after he moves back in, he calls the cops on me and takes out an order of protection barring me from my children and my home and belongings or any talking to him directly and tells everyone I'm an alcoholic, although he sat right there with me drinking up until the night of the dispute. But anyway, I am doing what my Atty is telling me to do, but I also feel I've labeled myself as an alcoholic by submitting to treatment without any real assessment on me soley because my STBX said I was. However for now, I am not drinking at all. He literally came to live with me with the clothes on his back and a plastic tote of felony paperwork a little over two years ago, now he has a house and all of my belongings and my children that I gave birth to (he did help for 2 minutes 9 months prior to me giving birth) all because he claims victim now. Nice.