Abandonment?

[liz1956]

My brother fathered a child with his then wife in 1998. In 2000 they were divorced while he was in jail for non-payment of child support to his first wife (App. $30,000). He did eventually pay that back. (or go to prison)
After this divorce was final (nearly 10 years ago) he has not seen the child. He has not requested to see her. He actually wrote his exwife and said he didn't wnat to have anything to do with the child. He has paid 2 months of child support. He does not know where she lives nor anything about her. His ex-wife has remarried and now the child (age 13) is requesting that her step father adopt her. The mother has retained an attorney and has served him with the papers to sign to relinquish his rights. He is refusing to sign them and is counter-suing her for the right to see his child. (Although she has lived within 10 miles of him for the past 10 years and he has made no attempt whatsoever to contact her).
My siblings and I are hoping that we can talk him into signing the papers and letting this child have a stable, normal life. (My brother was convicted of molesting this child's stepbrother and did a stint in Utah Co jail for that--we have good reason to believe that he also molested this little girl).
None of us siblings are close to this man, in fact, I have not seen him for almost 10 years. He likes to "fly under the radar" so to speak, hasn't paid taxes or held a job for 15+ years. we are trying to help his ex-wife and hoping to encourage him to do the right thing, for once. We are all afriad of a court hearing, which can go anyway the judge determines.
I guess my question is this: what are the best strategies we can use to talk with him w/o causing him to feel as if he is losing all power (he has been dxed with Borderline Personality Disorder and "delusions of grandeur") He thinks the regular rules of life don't apply to him. IF he does have to go before a judge will the prior court records of child abuse/non payment of support come in to play? Will we as his siblings who KNOW what a crazy person he is be able to testify? I am terrified of him being able to have contact with this child. Any advice is appreciated.

 

[army judge]

Let nature and the law take its course.
This creature should be outed.

 

[bluemann33]

Let him know that if (and thats a BIG IF) he wins he will once again be paying child support, and with no job he is almost certain to end up back in jail. Good luck.

 

[liz1956]

Thank you both!!
I did get a lot of documentation this afternoon from the exwife..a LOT of stuff went on that I had NO knowledge of....and it's all yucky.
So, does anyone think that as his siblings we should let him know what will happen if he chooses to go down the road of denying the relinquishment papers? We will all testify against him! And yes, he owes this wife about $20K in back child support, which he states in his "rebuttal" that he has paid and that SHE has to prove he didn't pay it.

Aside from all this stuff, the exwife had a PI follow him and also garner a LOT of information about his dealings..he has been arrested over 20 times for various things, mostly failure to pay debts, failure to pay taxes, the aforementioned child abuse of one of his stepkids (he pled guilty)...I was shocked reading the files. And there's more to come.

None of us sibs have a good relationship with him. He hasn't been allowed in our homes for over 10 years. Because of the knowledge that he does abuse/molest kids, we have simply felt he can't be a part of the family.

Weird, and kind of funny thing..the thing that makes him the maddest at hie ex over all this is that she refers to him as a "Mr" when he has a PhD and insists we refer to him as Dr. (actually, he doesn't really have the degree, he got kicked out of grad school before he actually finished, but he thinks none of us know that).

 

[Proserpina]

Thank you both!!
I did get a lot of documentation this afternoon from the exwife..a LOT of stuff went on that I had NO knowledge of....and it's all yucky.
So, does anyone think that as his siblings we should let him know what will happen if he chooses to go down the road of denying the relinquishment papers? We will all testify against him! And yes, he owes this wife about $20K in back child support, which he states in his "rebuttal" that he has paid and that SHE has to prove he didn't pay it.

What makes you think you'll even be able to testify?

I guarantee that if he laywers up, none of you will even see the inside of the court-room.

That aside, the burden of proof is on HIM to prove that he DID pay child support. Not on Mom.

Aside from all this stuff, the exwife had a PI follow him and also garner a LOT of information about his dealings..he has been arrested over 20 times for various things, mostly failure to pay debts, failure to pay taxes, the aforementioned child abuse of one of his stepkids (he pled guilty)...I was shocked reading the files. And there's more to come.

None of us sibs have a good relationship with him. He hasn't been allowed in our homes for over 10 years. Because of the knowledge that he does abuse/molest kids, we have simply felt he can't be a part of the family.

Weird, and kind of funny thing..the thing that makes him the maddest at hie ex over all this is that she refers to him as a "Mr" when he has a PhD and insists we refer to him as Dr. (actually, he doesn't really have the degree, he got kicked out of grad school before he actually finished, but he thinks none of us know that).

Please - stop a second.

He was convicted, ONCE, of molestation. And not of THIS child.

You're not going to want to hear this next part....but he can STILL get visitation (if only supervised) of the child.

Mom - and all of you - need to realize that.

The rest of the stuff - the lying about the doctorate thing - isn't relevant unless Mom has previously raised it in court. If she hasn't, she's out of luck now.

I'm sorry to be so blunt - I truly am because he seems to be the epitome of a deadbeat loser - but he still has rights, and if he makes enough splashes he can not only prevent the adoption, but eventually end up with visitation.

 

[mightymoose]

I don't believe his failure to pay support will be as big of a factor as you think.
I much larger factor is that he has made absolutely no effort for 10+ years to exercise his visitation rights with the child, and now only does so after being asked to relinquish the rights that he has showed no interest in.
From what you say, it seems the best interest of the child favor the stepfather.

Has your brother retained a lawyer for this? If not, it is quite possible he will crumble when things get rolling.

 

[liz1956]

Well--two posts and two pretty different yet helpful answers.
He does not have a lawyer and has no means to secure one. He is acting as his own counsel, so far. (What's that old saying? He has a fool for a client??)
I have no idea if we siblings would be allowed to testify. Wouldn't be surprised if our "opinions" had no weight in this matter. I am sure it depends on the judge.

Yep, he showed NO interest in this child until served with papers. Says he was kept in the dark as to her location, but any idiot can use the internet to find anyone and his ex wasn't in hiding!!

We are totally aware that most states do favor the nuclear family and the chances that he will get some kind of visitation are very, very good. Even tho he is, in fact the epitome of a "deadbeat father", and has virtually abandonded ALL of his kids, he never lost rights to see any of them. He just has chosen not to.

Today I am feeling pretty hopeless about the whole thing. I can't imagine what his ex is feeling---well, I can, I talk to her a lot. She's thoroughly depressed about it.

 

[irish223]

I really think ArmyJudge was right.... let the law takes its course. The lack of child support and his disinterest in the child are factors that the court will consider. I believe the court may also consider the child's wishes at her age. The father's rebuttals will also be considered. Unless the mother's lawyer has given her reason to feel hopeless, she shouldn't. Can he block the adoption? Maybe, but neither outcome is a slam-dunk. As to talking to the father yourself, I think you should heed the mother's lawyer's advice on that one.

 

[liz1956]

Thanks for the reply...
The mother's lawyer hasn't said anything to us siblings about testifying or anything of that nature. We as sibs have just offered her our support in whatever area she needs. Thinking clearly and talking together has made us all come to same conclusion--he will ignore us and continue in the same fashion as always..intimidation, threats, manipulation & power plays. So, no, we will not try to meet with him. The one sibling he semi trusts is going to call him or meet with him, if he'll allow it. Not holding my breath.

Will a judge let the child have a say? She is 13...her mom doesn't want to put her through this. She has no memory of him at all.

I will be speaking to the attorney on monday and getting his opinion. Ina previous court case involving this brother we were allowed (even encouraged) to write a letter to the judge. It was accepted into part of his sentencing. That was also family court, but in SL Co, not Davis. Maybe that is not the norm, I'm sure it depends on the judge.

In reading back thru the info that the PI collected for the mother ( a novel's worth of court hearings & proceedings against this man) it seems that in about 80% of the times he was supposed to appear in court for any reason, he failed to do so, and a warrant was the issued for his arrest. A total of about 25 times. I'm actually quite surprised he hasn't done more time in jail than he has.

Ah well--can only do what we can and hope that justice can actually prevail!

 

[irish223]

In Utah, the child must consent to the adoption if 12 or older. That doesn't mean that she will be asked to appear for the termination proceedings, but her desire to be adopted by her stepfather may be a consideration. As for everything else, you're right, much will depend on the judge, and the lawyer will have much more insight than any of us.

Good Luck

 

[bluemann33]

Hopefully the guy won't show up to court.