Help Pls.....How to stop Bio-Father

[thumperx2]

Sorry new to the forum.....bear with me this is a very long post....but I felt I needed to put down as much information as possible to obtain a clear answer......

I live in Orange County California. I am the mother of a 13year old child. From her birth her bio-father has claimed no responsibility for her, no child support ect. He has only seen her approx 10-20 times in the first year of her life. The bio-father then moved out of state. I then met & married my husband. The bio-father contacted me when my child was approx 3 years old, It had been over 2 years since any contact from him was made. My husband and I then decided it was time to proceed with a step-parent adoption. The bio-father at first refused to coperate, because of this I proceeded to have his rights terminated, before the end of the adoption the Bio-father signed a denial of paternity and a consent to adoption. Apperently from what our lawyer had told us, the Bio-father didn't sign at first because he was concerned that he would still be obligated for child support. After the adoption was finialized, everything was quite for 3 years then Bio-father decided to attemp contacting me and my daughter again. This time my husband contacted him directly and advised him that he had no rights to be contacting us. All was quite again for 6years this time. Now my daughter is 13years old, she does not know she is adopted. Before anyone posts how they do not believe in hiding an adoption, let me just say that my husband & I have had long discussions regarding this, we both decided as parents to wait until our daughter is 18 years old to disclose this to her. Simple fact at that age she will be able to understand and act on her own behalf as an adult if she chooses to track down Bio-Father. We feel this is the best decision for her at this time. Now Bio-Father is threatening contacting my daughter to disclose the adpotion, is there anything I can do legally to protect my child from this "Stranger"?Is it possible to obtain something of a no contact order? Also Bio-Fathers family members, mother, sisters ect are also beginning to harrass me, and they all live here in the same county as my daughter, it would not be hard to find me or my daughter. Is there anything I can do to stop the family members also?


TIA

 

[Duranie]

Quite honestly, you should have been upfront with your daughter and tell her she is adopted. You keeping this a secret is going to eventually backfire if bio dad tells her.

He is just another person in her life and I doubt you can get a no contact order unless he threatens to harm her. Personally if I were you, you should be talking to your daughter about who her real father is, and who is her dad.

 

[thumperx2]

Quite honestly, you should have been upfront with your daughter and tell her she is adopted. You keeping this a secret is going to eventually backfire if bio dad tells her.

He is just another person in her life and I doubt you can get a no contact order unless he threatens to harm her. Personally if I were you, you should be talking to your daughter about who her real father is, and who is her dad.

I do plan on being upfront with my daughter, once she can understand and act on her own as an adult. I don't see how a 13 year old would be able to understand the situation, my job as her mother is to protect her and I can't see how having "the Big Talk" with her now is going to do anything but cause her turmoil. Yes I do agree that this decision could very well back fire, that's why I'm here for some kind of help to try to stop the back fire. I guess no matter what way I look at this, something is going to cause my daughter trama, I would just rather try to put it off til I know she can make adult decisions about it. There's no way this situation can't have any fall out, I'm just trying to minimize it.

 

[calalily]

Your daughter's bio-dad denied paternity and had his parental rights terminated, correct? You may be able to get a restraining order to stop him from contacting her, BUT that doesn't guarantee that he won't contact her anyway. You would have to contact the police after the contact and the damage will have been done. SO, I agree with Duranie that you need to tell your daughter the truth so as she does not find out from someone else, the sooner the better. What reason does your ex-husband give for wanting to contact her now after six years? Does he have any other children? Have you told him that you will tell her the truth at age 18, then she will be free to contact him if she wants?

 

[Duranie]

Well it seems like bio dad is going to tell her and try to beat you to the punch. So, you will have some huge fall out if she hears it from him and not you. At 13 she should understand who her bio father is, and who is her Dad. At 18 there will be nothing you can do to stop contact anyways.

 

[seniorjudge]

You should've been honest starting 13 years ago.

 

[thumperx2]

Your daughter's bio-dad denied paternity and had his parental rights terminated, correct? You may be able to get a restraining order to stop him from contacting her, BUT that doesn't guarantee that he won't contact her anyway. You would have to contact the police after the contact and the damage will have been done. SO, I agree with Duranie that you need to tell your daughter the truth so as she does not find out from someone else, the sooner the better. What reason does your ex-husband give for wanting to contact her now after six years? Does he have any other children? Have you told him that you will tell her the truth at age 18, then she will be free to contact him if she wants?

Yes bio-father denied paterity and his rights were terminated. Yes I have told bio-father that I would tell her at age 18, but he doesn't agree. He thinks she shouldn't have a choice in meeting him or not.....

 

[thumperx2]

Well it seems like bio dad is going to tell her and try to beat you to the punch. So, you will have some huge fall out if she hears it from him and not you. At 13 she should understand who her bio father is, and who is her Dad. At 18 there will be nothing you can do to stop contact anyways.

Not trying to stop the contact after she's 18, at 18 then it would be her decision, not his not mine, but all my daughter choice.....I'm giving her the cance to at least have the choice.

 

[thumperx2]

You should've been honest starting 13 years ago.

Telling a child at 1 year of age that her Bio-Father doesn't want her, doesn't care for her, won't support her, would've been great for a 1 year old to start growing up with......I have been honest with my daughter her father is the man that has been here doing everything for her since she was 1 1/2 years old. Not the one looking to hurt her out of spite right now.

 

[iloveyou]

reply

I think you should be honest and tell your child. But I think you should first help your daughter understand the difference in what dad is and what a father is. I am having trouble with my daughter right now and feel that maybe people may think yeah right what does she know. I do know that hiding the fact that there is another man out there is her biofather is going to hurt but knowing that her dady that has been there for her will always be there will make a difference. I hid from my daughter mine and father were divorced because he was gay. now he has HIV and it is killing her. both because she did not know her father was gay and now he is dieing. guess who she blames for that me. let her know gently. reinforce yours and her dads love and get her counciling if she needs it.

 

[thumperx2]

I think you should be honest and tell your child. But I think you should first help your daughter understand the difference in what dad is and what a father is. I am having trouble with my daughter right now and feel that maybe people may think yeah right what does she know. I do know that hiding the fact that there is another man out there is her biofather is going to hurt but knowing that her dady that has been there for her will always be there will make a difference. I hid from my daughter mine and father were divorced because he was gay. now he has HIV and it is killing her. both because she did not know her father was gay and now he is dieing. guess who she blames for that me. let her know gently. reinforce yours and her dads love and get her counciling if she needs it.

I feel that I have been honest with my daughter, my husband is the only father/daddy she has known. I belive she does have a right to know about bio-father.....I just don't see any reason she should know now......in my head she is only 13 years old.....would she be able to handle this? We already have other emotional issues with her...ADD & ODD.....How will this affect that? It's a trade off for me.....will talking to her now do more damage as oopposed to talking to her when she is 18 years old, when then she would be able to make adult decisions about bio-father, like talking to him & seeing him ?

 

[iloveyou]

reply

with ADD ODD she must be in some type of councling. talk to them and see what they suggest. i feel for you i had a foster child with ADD ODD and many other things. my heart goes out to you