shelleybakken
New Member
OK...this is a long story, but I will try to make it as short and concise as possible. In Aug/07 my boyfriend (BF) beat me up, held a gun to my head as well as his own, choked me until I passed out, forced me into the tub w/him, kicked me in the belly, and well, the list goes on. I did not call the authorities immediately (he broke both our phones so I could not), and after about 6 hours of this I had convinced not only him but myself as well that we could get help w/out the authorities being involved as long as he really applied himself. We went to a crisis intervention counselor the next day, she agreed to see us as long as she felt I was not in danger and/or as long as she felt he was remorseful and actively seeking to change. He did admit the abuse to her. Now- here we are...he did not take the councelling seriously, we broke up and I did contact the police and both the counselor and myself filed individual reports. He admitted to other incidents of DV against me to her as well. But his mistake was in trying to lie and manipulate her as he had me and he got caught in his lies. The prosecuting att'y is going full force w/the charges and I am not a recanting witness.
However, here is the difficulty, he and I have since reconciled (big surprise, huh?)-I do love him and have hope that he can change. He has been going to court ordered councelling for about 2 1/2 months. I do see some changes. I don't trust him to be fully recovered by any means though. And I do believe he needs to have some consequence and be held accountable for the abuse he inflicted upon me. It was a horrific experience, and as much as I do love and support this man, I have also regained some (not much, but some) of my inner strength to stand up for myself and stop hiding things for him. I have met w/his att'y a few times (not "officially") and he has said one or two comments that stick w/me. The first being that "boy, we sure do want this to go away. (BF) doesn't need a felony that will haunt him for the rest of his life. He's learned his lesson and is going to the councelling. Gosh, if we could just get this all reduced to misdemeanors and have him serve probation and lose his gun rights that would be great. We don't want to have to fight this in court, but gosh, we will if we have to. This prosecuter is playing hard ball, and gosh, you two just love each other and want to work things out. I hope that can happen, but if we have to go to court it will get real ugly and nasty, and Shelley, you don't want that." I think it was the tone which left me feeling threatened.Is there anything wrong with what he did/said? I just have a gut feeling that they are going to trash my character w/anything and everything possible...I have been thinking of calling the prosecuter and telling him all the sordid details of my life so he can be prepared. I am not wanting to make things worse for my BF, but I don't want to be used or manipulated or embarrassed by his attempt at defense either. My feeling is that I will not lie about anything that happened that night/early morning in Aug./07,but I don't want the worst to happen to him either. He is facing 4 felonies w/weapons enhancement charges...in Wa. state weapons charges carry a mandatory 3 year sentence. While I want him to be accountable, I don't want him to go away for a long time.I have faith in the system, and he keeps telling me I shouldn't. But, with the emotions involved, I don't know that I am one who can guess at what is fair and just for what he did. That is the prosecuter/judge and/or jury's responsibility. I guess, my overall ?s are: is his lawyer messing w/me (I feel as though he may have been) and should I be protecting myself better. I have stayed somewhat in touch w/the prosecuter and told him that I am back with the BF, and how I feel about the potential punishments, and also that I will not lie or become a recanting witness. I have also told my BF the same thing. I think that the truth is the only thing in this that anchors me somewhat to sanity. I've lied to so many people about the abuse that has occurred several times-denying he was abusing me, that often I have minimized it to myself sufficiently enough to almost believe none of the incidences occurred. Or that I was responsible for them. I already know the standard response of everyone else- Get away from him, leave, he will never change, etc. And until this happened to me I would have yelled the same things to anyone I knew who was in a similar situation, but I feel as though I would be quitting him, not believing him and giving up on him. I love him alot, I really do. In a weird way, I think that being accountable and having to go through whatever punishment is meted out may be what ultimately will motivate him to make lasting changes in this area. He had one slap on the wrist w/ a deferred sentence, and that didn't work. Not that I think he needs to go to prison for 12 years to learn the lesson, but certainly more attention needs to be given to what would help him realize and achieve permanent growth and deviation from his current sporadic outbursts of anger.
If anyone takes the time to answer this, I would be very grateful...I don't have funds to pay for legal advice as most of my extra funds are going to support BF through out this ordeal.
However, here is the difficulty, he and I have since reconciled (big surprise, huh?)-I do love him and have hope that he can change. He has been going to court ordered councelling for about 2 1/2 months. I do see some changes. I don't trust him to be fully recovered by any means though. And I do believe he needs to have some consequence and be held accountable for the abuse he inflicted upon me. It was a horrific experience, and as much as I do love and support this man, I have also regained some (not much, but some) of my inner strength to stand up for myself and stop hiding things for him. I have met w/his att'y a few times (not "officially") and he has said one or two comments that stick w/me. The first being that "boy, we sure do want this to go away. (BF) doesn't need a felony that will haunt him for the rest of his life. He's learned his lesson and is going to the councelling. Gosh, if we could just get this all reduced to misdemeanors and have him serve probation and lose his gun rights that would be great. We don't want to have to fight this in court, but gosh, we will if we have to. This prosecuter is playing hard ball, and gosh, you two just love each other and want to work things out. I hope that can happen, but if we have to go to court it will get real ugly and nasty, and Shelley, you don't want that." I think it was the tone which left me feeling threatened.Is there anything wrong with what he did/said? I just have a gut feeling that they are going to trash my character w/anything and everything possible...I have been thinking of calling the prosecuter and telling him all the sordid details of my life so he can be prepared. I am not wanting to make things worse for my BF, but I don't want to be used or manipulated or embarrassed by his attempt at defense either. My feeling is that I will not lie about anything that happened that night/early morning in Aug./07,but I don't want the worst to happen to him either. He is facing 4 felonies w/weapons enhancement charges...in Wa. state weapons charges carry a mandatory 3 year sentence. While I want him to be accountable, I don't want him to go away for a long time.I have faith in the system, and he keeps telling me I shouldn't. But, with the emotions involved, I don't know that I am one who can guess at what is fair and just for what he did. That is the prosecuter/judge and/or jury's responsibility. I guess, my overall ?s are: is his lawyer messing w/me (I feel as though he may have been) and should I be protecting myself better. I have stayed somewhat in touch w/the prosecuter and told him that I am back with the BF, and how I feel about the potential punishments, and also that I will not lie or become a recanting witness. I have also told my BF the same thing. I think that the truth is the only thing in this that anchors me somewhat to sanity. I've lied to so many people about the abuse that has occurred several times-denying he was abusing me, that often I have minimized it to myself sufficiently enough to almost believe none of the incidences occurred. Or that I was responsible for them. I already know the standard response of everyone else- Get away from him, leave, he will never change, etc. And until this happened to me I would have yelled the same things to anyone I knew who was in a similar situation, but I feel as though I would be quitting him, not believing him and giving up on him. I love him alot, I really do. In a weird way, I think that being accountable and having to go through whatever punishment is meted out may be what ultimately will motivate him to make lasting changes in this area. He had one slap on the wrist w/ a deferred sentence, and that didn't work. Not that I think he needs to go to prison for 12 years to learn the lesson, but certainly more attention needs to be given to what would help him realize and achieve permanent growth and deviation from his current sporadic outbursts of anger.
If anyone takes the time to answer this, I would be very grateful...I don't have funds to pay for legal advice as most of my extra funds are going to support BF through out this ordeal.