What to do when the custodial parent is not doing their job

[AmethystWarrior]

I have joint legal custody, no physical custody of my two children (ages 8 and 4). Everything takes place in ND.

When my ex-husband and I seperated, I took my kids and all their belongings. The actual divorce took about 2 years. We hired a custody investigator because he didn't want to pay child support and therefore was fighting me for custody. The custody investigator found that joint custody was a bad idea. My daycare lady, for reasons I don't know, decided not to testify against my ex-husband and instead told the custody investigator all the bad things he did about ME. The custody investigator recommended he get custody. I couldnt' afford more attorney fees, so I went with that.

I left my ex-husband for domestic violence purposes. The counselor I was seeing did not recommend getting the police involved nor did she help me find ways to fight him legally. Being economically disadvantaged, I had a difficult time with the attorney fees. In all honesty, I had no clue what do to because one doesn't usually think of these situations as happening to them.

The way my ex-husband treated and continues to treat my children remains the same. The only problem is that now I have visitation and they're subjected to his abuse more often.

He does not bathe my children. He does not purchase clothing that fits them properly. My four year old is not potty trained; she sits in wet pants all day long. My 8 year old has seen a dentist once in the past 2 years. He creates bizare rules.

My 8 year old is not allowed to take baths. He has to have 2 glasses of water before he can have 1 glass of milk, a maximum of 2 glasses of milk a day. He is over weight and has to go outside for one unsupervised hour a day, no matter the weather conditions. his only TV time is to play Wii Fit and only what my ex-husband says he can do. He is prepared "special" meals only for him and not allowed seconds. The nutrition content of these meals is not sound.

My 8 year old has asthma and allergies. Several doctors have recommended treatment and my ex-husband has refused to fill the prescriptions or follow up. He claims it's just because my kid is "fat." My 8 year old also has this nervous tic which has started as a strange blink and evolved over the last 2 years into a full body spasm that affects everything he does. My ex husband refuses to have this looked into, stating that it's just anxiety due to the divorce (2 years ago) and will go away. He does NOT believe in getting help for anything psychological-related as he's positive they're going to put my kid on meds and leave him there. My 8 year old's teacher has suggested maybe he has Torette's Syndrom.

My unpotty trained 4 year old has several behavioral issues as well, although it's not as big of a deal as my 8 year old. She is treated better than my son becasue she's a cute little girl.

Neither children has many toys. Their rooms consist of a mattress on the floor and a couple laundry baskets for clothing. He would explain that he is so broke because he has them, but he and his live in girlfriend make much more than I do.

My ex-husband and I can only communicate through email and it's very strained. I have brought these issues up to him many times and he just gets nasty and tries to attack me in any way he can. I admit that it has been difficult for me going from the main parent to the "side parent" but I only want them to be healthy and in relatively happy mind sets.

I need to know what I can do. If I call Social Services, when they go out to watch him he will just manipulate them. He will be kind, caring, attentive. That's what he did when the custody investigator was there. I cannot schedule appointments for my children as I am not the custodial parent. I've already talked to the clinic about it and they said that he has to do that. The most I can do is a walk-in clinic and they do not do much there.

Do I have any options? Am I all alone in this situation? I feel the need to note that I am 100% up to date on my child support and I also provide health, dental, and vision insurance.

 

[Duranie]

Hoe often do you see the kids? The legal standard of parenting is really low. Social services is not going to do anything because technically the kids are not being neglected or abused. If he does not take them to the dentist, then why don't you? you have the responsibility of picking up the slack here. Why don't you potty train the 4 year old? Come on. If you want a change of custody go to court but a few of the things you mentioned are petty.

 

[AmethystWarrior]

How is my child having uncontrolled asthma petty? Without proper medication, he could have a life threatening asthma attack. I pick up the slack as much as possible. I bought my son a months worth of asthma medication and 2 inhalers. I kept half the pills and one of the inhalers for when he's here. Do you know where the stuff is at his Dad's house? In the garbage. And, just for the record, this medication only works if taken every day.

I see them every Wednesday and every other weekend. I do what I can, I am not allowed any other time than the court ordered stuff.

As I mentioned before, I cannot take them to medical/dental appointments. When they are scheduled, they go to the children address and phone number. So when he gets that phone call or paper in the mail stating they have an appointment, he cancels them. It is nearly impossible to get an appointment same day. I have offered to take them to appointments and I pay my 50% of the bill promptly.

When my daughter is with me, I work on potty training her. 10 days a month is not going to have much of a difference when nothing is done the other 20.

And you're telling me that 82 spasms an hour is petty? Even if it is anxiety, it's not normal.

 

[Proserpina]

Your child is having 82 spasms per hour?

How do you know this? Do you mean while the child is in YOUR custody?

 

[AmethystWarrior]

Correct. I have taken him to the walk in clinic, the same with when he sounds weezy. I don't know how walk in clinics are in other parts of the country, but here they just make sure you're not in imminent danger and refer you to your primary doctor. In this case, with the spasms, it was suggested that he see a neurologist to rule out seizures.

As the custodial parent disagrees with this, he cancels my appointments. My ex-husband says that when my son is with him, the spasms aren't "that bad" and don't frighten him at all. He suggests that my house is too stressful, and I'm on the fence about that one.

 

[Proserpina]

Correct. I have taken him to the walk in clinic, the same with when he sounds weezy. I don't know how walk in clinics are in other parts of the country, but here they just make sure you're not in imminent danger and refer you to your primary doctor. In this case, with the spasms, it was suggested that he see a neurologist to rule out seizures.

As the custodial parent disagrees with this, he cancels my appointments. My ex-husband says that when my son is with him, the spasms aren't "that bad" and don't frighten him at all. He suggests that my house is too stressful, and I'm on the fence about that one.

Perhaps your house is too stressful.

If kiddo isn't having the same reactions at Dad's place, the problem doesn't appear to be at Dad's place.

 

[AmethystWarrior]

I would be willing to entertain the thought that it is only happening at my house, but I highly doubt he is being truthful about this one. His teacher has commented about it - to the point of suggesting he has Torette's. When I asked her if she saw a pattern, she said no. It happens consistently every day regardless of who's house he's going to be at that evening or was at that morning.

I'm trying to get a feel for if I can do anything for my children and it is sounding exactly like his word against mine. He says they're fine - I say they're not. Other people (teachers, doctors) say he's not fine but they don't really matter do they?

It's not enough for me to say that they'll grow up and hopefully deal with anything that's happening in their childhood. But, from the sounds of it, I guess it has to be.

 

[irish223]

I would be willing to entertain the thought that it is only happening at my house, but I highly doubt he is being truthful about this one. His teacher has commented about it - to the point of suggesting he has Torette's. When I asked her if she saw a pattern, she said no. It happens consistently every day regardless of who's house he's going to be at that evening or was at that morning.

I'm trying to get a feel for if I can do anything for my children and it is sounding exactly like his word against mine. He says they're fine - I say they're not. Other people (teachers, doctors) say he's not fine but they don't really matter do they?

It's not enough for me to say that they'll grow up and hopefully deal with anything that's happening in their childhood. But, from the sounds of it, I guess it has to be.

If your son is having asthma attacks at school, then the school nurse should have records of them. His teacher should have documented her concerns about his tics. If your son goes to school dirty, the teacher or nurse may also have a record of that if they called home about it. Since you have joint legal custody, you're entitled to access to all those records.

If those kinds of records exist, then I would request copies and get a consult from an attorney.

If the school hasn't been diligent in documenting these things, then you may have to ask them to do so, if they are truly seeing them.

Does your daughter go to daycare or preschool? Isn't it a requirement for both that children be potty-trained at her age? If she starts kindergarten next year, that will certainly be a problem.

 

[bcrisis53]

The person posting previous comments seems like they have no idea what it's like to be in an abusive situation with a controlling jerk. I too came out of a bad situation with my ex with a 14 month old son. I can at least say he takes care of him during his time and we share custody, but it is hard to deal with someone who doesn't give a crap about the children. It's a bad situation, but even if i bring up something that he doesn't want to discuss he threatens to take my son from me. It's a selfish attitude and I don't think there's anything you can do. I'm looking into hiring a private investigator to find out what is really going on. All you can do is discuss your concerns with a lawyer and see what kind of proof you need. Keep all emails and document all cases that you suspect that he's not bathing them or feeding them regularly. Abusers will always be abusers and I'm tired of people almost blaming the other party for not stepping up when sometimes you can't if you give the abuser any power over the situation.

 

[AmethystWarrior]

Yes, thank you. I do hate to play the "abusive/victim" card, but it is extremely difficult. This guy is just so good at playing people it's extremely frustrating. When I read the custody investigator's report, it counted negatively against me that I was seeking help for PTSD - even though my ex's abuse was what caused it! He, of course, admitted no mental issues and so that's what got put in the report.

In hindsight, I can see the mistakes I made. Til then... I will consult an attorney (as well as talk to my son's school) and do the best I can to help my children.

 

[Proserpina]

The person posting previous comments seems like they have no idea what it's like to be in an abusive situation with a controlling jerk. I too came out of a bad situation with my ex with a 14 month old son. I can at least say he takes care of him during his time and we share custody, but it is hard to deal with someone who doesn't give a crap about the children. It's a bad situation, but even if i bring up something that he doesn't want to discuss he threatens to take my son from me. It's a selfish attitude and I don't think there's anything you can do. I'm looking into hiring a private investigator to find out what is really going on. All you can do is discuss your concerns with a lawyer and see what kind of proof you need. Keep all emails and document all cases that you suspect that he's not bathing them or feeding them regularly. Abusers will always be abusers and I'm tired of people almost blaming the other party for not stepping up when sometimes you can't if you give the abuser any power over the situation.

Gee, presumptive much?


I'm tired of people forgetting about the legalities of the situation and inserting too much of their emotional melodrama.