What can I do to have restraining order lifted, one ordered by the Court?

A

angfisher25

New Member
Jurisdiction
California
My husband had his arraignment on the domestic violence case (involving me), but did not plea so he has a new court date (have no idea why he wouldn't plea and "reschedule -- is that unusual?). He had an automatic 7-day emergency restraining order placed on him when arrested, but I did not re-new that restraining order after the seven days because I did not need to. Not an abuser, but mean and nasty and scary as hell when he gets drunk (very rarely). First-time occurance. But at the arraignment, the judge put a THREE-YEAR/NO-CONTACT WHATSOEVER restraining order on him... we are married and need help, but we can't even speak for three years! Not even between a third party. I'm not saying the judge doesn't know what he's doing, but it's extremely harsh and I want to have it lifted... I am not afraid of my husband. My husband is not making me say this, either!

Who do I contact and tell this to, and is it likely the judge would lift it?? He made a huge mistake that night -- we both did, we got way drunk and were hateful to each other. Any suggestions on who to contact or what to do... is it impossible when it is court-enstated??


Thank you!!

me
 
You know that just about 100% of women (and men) who are being abused make this request, right? So tell me why the judge should think that your situation is different from any other abused wife who's too afraid to do anything but protect her abuser? How did the court get involved in the first place?
 
cbg said:
You know that just about 100% of women (and men) who are being abused make this request, right? So tell me why the judge should think that your situation is different from any other abused wife who's too afraid to do anything but protect her abuser? How did the court get involved in the first place?
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Oh, I knew that was coming! I do not doubt that 100% of SCARED and HABITUALLY ABUSED men/women request this. I am not afraid of him, he got way too drunk and so did I. He had been out of town a lot the first half of the year... I do not have to "have him," I do fine on my own! I totally think a punishment of some kind is important, and it will be on his record for life, should do community service or pay fine or whatever. But we have committed to working on things, seeking help and now we can't see each other for three years?? Court got involved because neighbor called 911 (I actually pre-warned and told neighbors he was drunk and to keep an eye on me, as he had come and gone out drinking several times that day). So of course he got arrested when cops came, because he pushed me down. He was drunk. I'm glad they took him away. But that wasn't my question... HOW would one go about trying to get it lifted or even just "lessened" when it was ordered by a judge -- extremely important person!! Does anyone have experience in this, suggestions or knowledge? Thanks!!
 
angfisher25 said:
How would one go about trying to get it lifted or even just "lessened" when it was ordered by a judge -- extremely important person!! Does anyone have experience in this, suggestions or knowledge?
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Talk to a lawyer in your city or county.
The initial consultation is free.

You'll walk away better informed.

I've practiced law for over four decades, and it is a rare occurrence when any judge lifts these orders so quickly.

Why?

Because the community becomes outraged when the victim ends up battered again, or dead!

Mother always said, "No one will do or say something drunk, that he or she wouldn't do or say sober. Alcohol simply allows the person to do it quicker, and dish out more abuse."

Anyway, it's your life, ma'am; I wish you health, wealth, longevity, and happiness.

Yes, statistics say that 75% (or more) of victims are attacked within 30 days of the initial attack.

I've served as a Texas district court judge for over 20 years.

I rarely docket domestic violence cases in my county, preferring garden variety felonies to domestic violence and other family related crimes. They're just too damn heartbreaking for a crusty, old codger like me; who served four tours in 'Nam as a Ranger.
 
I really respect and understand your answer -- yes, the community SHOULD get outraged when they end up dead. Absolutely happens... too often, I'm sure.

And thank ya, Sir, for addressing me "Ma'am"! Born and raised in Dallas myself, moved to CA nine years ago but moving back to TEXAS as soon as possible. Texas Rangers RULE... big Rangers B-ball fan, too....

But I thank you for your service and protection. I thought maybe there was somethin' up with a name like yours. We speak the same language, crusty 'ol man (that's what I called my grand-dad)

Seriously, thanks for the honest answer. I'm sure many were rolling their eyes... "Oh, how sad what she has ahead of her, naive one." Hey, glad I asked, making me think deep and truthfully.
 
angfisher25 said:
Seriously, thanks for the honest answer. I'm sure many were rolling their eyes... "Oh, how sad what she has ahead of her, naive one." Hey, glad I asked, making me think deep and truthfully.
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You're welcome.

In my county when faced with requests to recall the no contact order, we require both parties to see a mental health professional, attend and complete a domestic violence class, a batterer's class, anger management class, and when alcohol is involved, attend a substance abuse class; then couple's counseling, before the court will further entertain any modifications or changes to the order.

In some cases, I've amended the order to allow married couples to meet (in the presence of a social worker or marital counselor) for two-three hours a week.

I have also allowed phone calls of 15-30 minutes a day to address family business and finances, with no personal contact.

I say that to say, it can't hurt to request a modification after enrolling in classes that will assist you both in bettering your lives and your marriage.

Good luck.

PS:

I forgot.
If exceptions are made, but one or both parties engage in violence, threats, verbal abuse, or ANYTHING other than civil behavior, not to disturb the peace, I sanction one or both. Usually it's a $500 fine, and/or one week in jail, for contempt.

In one instance, the week in jail turned into a month in jail, and the fine became $5,000. I did allow the person to pay $2,500 before being released, and $2,500 within 30 days. Of course, the order is reinstated immediately.

I suspended the fine, on condition he would enroll into a 90 day in-patient treatment program and successfully complete it. The person did as ordered, and the fine was returned.

So, there is hope. However, it'll require some effort and hard work on the part of you both.
 
angfisher25 said:
My husband had his arraignment on the domestic violence case (involving me), but did not plea so he has a new court date (have no idea why he wouldn't plea and "reschedule -- is that unusual?). He had an automatic 7-day emergency restraining order placed on him when arrested, but I did not re-new that restraining order after the seven days because I did not need to. Not an abuser, but mean and nasty and scary as hell when he gets drunk (very rarely). First-time occurance. But at the arraignment, the judge put a THREE-YEAR/NO-CONTACT WHATSOEVER restraining order on him... we are married and need help, but we can't even speak for three years! Not even between a third party. I'm not saying the judge doesn't know what he's doing, but it's extremely harsh and I want to have it lifted... I am not afraid of my husband. My husband is not making me say this, either!

Who do I contact and tell this to, and is it likely the judge would lift it?? He made a huge mistake that night -- we both did, we got way drunk and were hateful to each other. Any suggestions on who to contact or what to do... is it impossible when it is court-enstated??


Thank you!!

me
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I don't know how California works but in Kansas you can go to the Victim Witness department and ask one of them to talk to the judge about dropping it. Ultimately it is up to the judge to say yay or nay. I went because the judge put a no contact order in place during the hearing process for my now ex husband as he was charged with aggravated assault against me. It took about a month for the judge to answer them and he then lifted it when he got released. Oh and I had one on him a year prior but got it dropped after two months. Hindsight should have kept it but I would not have my precious daughter if I hadn't dropped it.

But I would not recommend it. There will be a next time. Each time will get progressively worse. I agree all of us who have been abused have said the same things you say. My ex is a meth addict. The three times he attacked me was him going through meth withdrawals. Your husband needs help and so do you - separately - before you can work on the marriage if you want to do so. He obviously has alcohol dependence issues.

What did he do? That depends on why the judge issued that order. It is all up to the judge even if you have VW ask or you ask.
 
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angfisher25 said:
I really respect and understand your answer -- yes, the community SHOULD get outraged when they end up dead. Absolutely happens... too often, I'm sure.

And thank ya, Sir, for addressing me "Ma'am"! Born and raised in Dallas myself, moved to CA nine years ago but moving back to TEXAS as soon as possible. Texas Rangers RULE... big Rangers B-ball fan, too....

But I thank you for your service and protection. I thought maybe there was somethin' up with a name like yours. We speak the same language, crusty 'ol man (that's what I called my grand-dad)

Seriously, thanks for the honest answer. I'm sure many were rolling their eyes... "Oh, how sad what she has ahead of her, naive one." Hey, glad I asked, making me think deep and truthfully.
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Fyi he was not stating he is a Ranger fan he stated that he was a Ranger when he served in Vietnam. Two very different things.
 
I was attempting to make a point, which apparently was overlooked. There is nothing that you have posted which is going to make it clear to a judge that YOUR situation is different, EVEN IF IT IS. THAT is what you need to understand going in. Everyone always thinks, Oh, surely the judge will be agree that MY circumstances are not like everyone else's. And maybe they are. But YOU HAVEN'T POSTED ANYTHING THAT PROVES THAT. So what you need is something that does.

Maybe an attorney, in your state, who knows the local judges and attitudes, can make clear to you what you evidently do not wish to understand from me.
 
leslie82 said:
Fyi he was not stating he is a Ranger fan he stated that he was a Ranger when he served in Vietnam. Two very different things.
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Oh my goodness! I know! I was joking, too! I absolutely know he was talking about service in Vietnam as a Ranger, not a Rangers B-ball fan - I am a Texan! I was trying to be funny, but I guess it didn't work! the difference between a Texas Ranger Ranger baseball player and a Texas Ranger in Vietnam! Oh my goodness.
 
Here's the bottomline - you are likely not getting it removed until the case is done at the very least. You need to realize that there is rarely ever "just one time" when it comes to domestic violence. That judges put protection orders in place to protect the victims. You even said he's an angry drunk. Guess what? This kind of stuff escalates. Every - single - time.

Also it's very hard to tell when someone is joking when you're reading something. No need to get all "oh my goodness" about it.
 
"Also it's very hard to tell when someone is joking when you're reading something."

EXACTLY. So be nice. Be kind. But it's easy to tell when someone is frustrated or bitter. I have tried to learn not to read into "tone" in emails or texts... it can ruin your day!
 
angfisher25 said:
"Also it's very hard to tell when someone is joking when you're reading something."

EXACTLY. So be nice. Be kind. But it's easy to tell when someone is frustrated or bitter. I have tried to learn not to read into "tone" in emails or texts... it can ruin your day!
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Thank you for your answer, however. I truly respect all opinions, and everyone will have different ones. That's a good thing. Thanks again.
 
angfisher25 said:
Thank you for your answer, however. I truly respect all opinions, and everyone will have different ones. That's a good thing. Thanks again.
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This isn't an opinion. You are not going to have contact with your husband for AT LEAST the duration of the case. In fact, the judge might not drop it at all depending on what happened. 3 years is pretty serious for a judge to impose.

I suggest you go seek counseling through some domestic violence programs.
 

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