Very Odd Situation...help

[dsuffern]

This is obviously an involved situation, so, I apologize in advance for the length. I have never sought official legal help (apart from consulting a lawyer friend years ago).

I have a three year old son. His biological father and I were coworkers while I was finishing school. I went out with him, another male friend from work, and a girl from work to play pool by the university, drank a few beers, and felt completely loopy...remember "making out" with him...and then falling asleep at my girl friend's house after she had left to visit her boyfriend. I woke up alone, felt completely odd...but shrugged it off, had all my clothes on (a dress, however) and went home. I had and still have NO MEMORY of the night except patches.

We worked together for about a month until I found out I was pregnant. I had no idea when/how this had happened and I confronted him, knowing we had kissed but having this horrid feeling that something else had happened. He said, "We did it." and I screamed, "I didn't know!" a few times and he assured me that I wasn't "taken advantage of," (which was odd because I hadn't accused him of that) and I knew it was all wrong. He wanted to help pay for an abortion, I said no. He said he would support whatever decision I made, though his behavior frightened me. He was antsy. He didn't tell anyone but his friend and sister, and I was horribly ashamed. I couldn't stay...my parents came and got me, I moved home with them, telling our boss where I was moving (his family owned the business). I didn't leave my parent's number, even though an online search would find me/us easily. I just knew I needed to leave. This guy continued to drink, continued to do drugs, etc.

As I said, I spoke with a lawyer friend and was told I couldn't easily prove what I knew the truth to be and I could not imagine putting my family/self through that. I just wanted to be alone...I knew I didn't want to do that with him, and I was so torn and sick. I needed to heal.

Time passed and I never received any word from him, even after a friend told his other coworkers that I was having the baby soon. Still no contact.

It is now nearly four years since I have even seen him. I have never petitioned him for paternity, for child support or pressed any charges. I have taken responsibility for my actions and what happened and I have the most amazing little boy with a wealth of support.

I was recently married to an incredible man I met in church who is a successful industrial designer and I now stay home with my little boy, and we are expecting another baby. My little boy has never known another father...my husband is his daddy.

What can I do? I want the past behind me...I feel no ill will toward his father because I know my choice was right in raising my boy. What can I do to protect myself and son from him, that influence, etc., or has he effectively lost his rights (did he have any at all?) for custody or visitation given that we were never even a couple, it wasn't an honorable situation/conception? I want my husband, his daddy, to be his legal father but I am not sure how to go about it. Or, is it best to wait it out and unofficially call him what he is?

My son's birth certificate lists no father and he has my maiden name.

Again, sorry for the convoluted nature of the situation. It has been a nightmare to go through...have gone through much counseling and have built a healthy life for myself and son. I do not want to stir up a hornet's nest.

Help,
Mom in NC

 

[Duranie]

If paternity was never established then bio dad has no rights. If you ever want your husband to adopt the child, you probably will have to establish paternity, then have bio dad terminate rights.

 

[dsuffern]

Well, I guess that's where the fear comes in...

I mean, I have no memory of that night. It is a horrible thing to have to deal with...so many psychological factors...and, as I said, I have gone through considerable counseling to deal with the unanswered questions. I love my son more than I can ever say. To think that out of spite or whatever this guy might decide not to "want" to give up rights he never had tends to plague me. Then, there is the sickening thought of ever even seeing his face again. Yeah, its been a blessing that I have not heard from him.

When I say I feel no ill will toward him, I mean I am not thinking of pressing charges and am thankful for the gift of my son. However, the emotional damage has been hard for me to deal with.

Would I have to be in contact with him? Or would an attorney do all this for me? Do you think that any rights would be afforded to him after all this time has passed and he has not attempted contact? It seems odd to me that the law would require permission from someone who never really tried in the first place, nor did i want him to. It's as if the door is still open for him to arbitrarily decide to step in after years. Is this possible? Or, should I just unofficially call my son by his only real daddy's name and wait until he is much older?

 

[Duranie]

An attorney should be able to take care of this for you. There is no way around establishing paternity, otherwise women would be able to give up their child for adoption without the fathers consent and that just would not make any sense. You really should see an attorney they can answer all your questions.

 

[LisaMD]

I had a child out of wedlock 21 years ago. I gave my daughter my maiden name and listed the father as unknown. My husband adopted her by simply filling out the necessary papers and having them filed and a judge signed it. Her bio dad knew nothing about his daughter (except that I had given birth). She met him for the first and only time when she turned 18.