Parental rights.. child support.. disability.. loads of questions!

[JYoung]

Here's a brief explanation of the situation. My husband's exwife left for California, 5 years ago. In that time, she lost custody of their 2 daughters by being ordered to complete a psychological evaluation and a homestudy.. neither of which she bothered to do. My husband was granted sole custody of them after she didn't show up for the final court date.. and was also granted an order for child support.

No contact has been made between her and the children in the whole 5 years that she has been gone. 3 child therapists advised us that it was not in the girls' best interest to have any contact with her.

She rarely pays her child support and changes jobs frequently to avoid paying it. To date, she is over $3500 in arrears.

Fast forward to yesterday.

We get a call from her and she says that she has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and that she has quit her job and will not be returning to work because she has applied for social security/disability. She said that she would like for my husband to drop the child support order and was even willing to sign over her parental rights in order for that to happen.

She stated that once she starts receiving social security/disability, that she won't be able to afford to pay child support.. and that she won't be able to "live" if money was taken out of her check for the support.

Of course, we have some immediate questions about this and have contacted our attorney. However, with Monday being a holiday, it's probably going to be the end of the week before he can get with us.

First question: Can she just sign over her parental rights like that? Is it possible for her to sign a paper out in California (where she's been living for 5 years), and have it sent here and just relinguish her parental rights like that? Our reason for asking this question is because she called again today and said she was filling out the papers to sign over her rights to both girls.

Second question: Wouldn't the children be eligible for some sort of funding through social security/disability if she is awarded that funding? My mother in law says that she remembers when she was on disability, and she received a check each month for both of her sons. A few other people have advised us that this would happen as well. We've never heard of it and were curious.

In other words, if she began receiving social security/disability, would the children receive a check from that... or would it just be deducted from whatever money amount she receives?

Someone told us it would be similar to the death benefit that children receive from S.S. when a parent dies. They would continue to receive that money until they reach the age of 18, or until they finish schooling.

We are also unclear on the process of signing over parental rights. Can she just decide that she wants to do that? Will it need to be agreed upon by my husband, and/or approved by the judge? Can she do such a thing just to escape having to pay child support?

We are both desperately wondering all of these things and are grateful for any answers that can be provided!!

Thanks in advance!

 

[Duranie]

She cannot just sign over her rights. It is not that simple. An attorney must be involved, and she would have to terminate her rights AND you would have to adopt them.

You cannot terminate rights to get out of paying CS. Personally, I would not let her off the hook. She had these kids, she has to support them. The kids will likely be awarded some sort of benefit if she goes on SSD and if she terminates rights, they will not be entitled to any benefit.

Definitely see an attorney. Don't feel bad about her sob story on having to pay CS. She still has to pay arrears anyways so you should also pursue that and find out why CSE has not gone after her.

 

[JYoung]

Thanks Duranie.

We actually heard from our attorney today, and he basically quoted everything you just said... even down to the statement of not letting her get off so easily.

It turns out that the children can get a check if she starts receiving SSD, and it won't be deducted from her monthly amount. Also, since it's hard to get on SSD, she will more than likely get a lump sum as "backpay" starting from the date in which she first applied for SSD. And since it can sometimes take up to two years to actually start receiving SSD... that'd be quite a lump sum.

Our attorney advised us that whatever child support that she is behind on, will be paid out of that lump sum before she receives it.

He also said that this is probably why she is wanting to just sign over her parental rights right now.. because she's talked to someone and they've told her this.

I would gladly adopt the girls, as I've already been raising them for the 5 years that she's been out of their lives. However, I don't think I would agree to it simply to allow her to escape a financial responsibility.

Our attorney asked us if she even questioned how the girls were doing. I hadn't even realized it, or thought about it, but she didn't. All she was concerned with was getting out of the child support. That in itself shows where her mind really is.

Today, she claims she has filed the papers neccessary to relinquish her rights. Thanks to your post and our attorney, we now know that she cannot do it on her own.

Needless to say, we are NOT going to agree to it and are definitely NOT going to cease any child support orders. If she isn't able to get on SSD, then she will have to figure out some other way to pay her obligation.

I really wish people would think before they start having children. I'm nearing 31, and still have yet to have my own child, simply because I know it's a great and life long responsibilty... both emotionally and financially. Some people don't get that, and it's really sad to see children jerked around between their parents and also the system.

That's just my two cents on the matter. I've seen and dealt first hand with what divorce does to kids. In 5 years we've gone through three child therapists, 2 years of constant bedwetting, thumbsucking, and other emotional issues. These days, things are just fine and we're about as normal as a family can be.

As for why CSE hasn't done much with her? That's a whole other story. First, we got the story about how it's hard for them because we're in Virginia and she lives in California.

Then we realized that the case worker was playing sides. In other words, she would call into the CSE office, talk to our case worker, and make her feels sorry for her. Then the case worker would let things slide.

Things like putting in the order to have her yearly tax refunds taken to cover the arrears in child support that she owes. We requested it in October of the first year when she was behind just over $2000, and wouldn't you know that the order was never entered until after April of the following year!

Then, it was nearly a whole year once that we never got a dime in support. Yet she was working! Finally I got online and started looking up officials in Santa Barbara County, and emailed someone there. They told me about a form we could fill out and request that the Virginia CSE hand over the case to Santa Barbara CSE so that they could take action and handle it more efficiently.. and make her pay. But when we called, the case worker told us that they only did that in extreme cases.. and that this wasn't an extreme case.

Needless to say, we no longer have that same case worker. She was a joke, and I do hope that she got fired from her job because she really was not being fair at all on our case.

Anyway, enough rambling for me! I thank you so much for responding and giving us that helpful information! Hopefully someone else who needs it will find something in these posts useful for their situation!

 

[Duranie]

Don't even get me started on my feelings on SSD.

Many people are on it that don't need to be. Some people like her are just too lazy to work. Fibromyalgia does not mean you cannot work but if she has herself convinced she cannot work, then she will expect the gov't to pay her so she does not have to go to work.

Having a child is a huge responsibility. I don't understand the people that want everyone else to pay for their kids, both CP's and NCP's. Don't have kids if you cannot afford them, or take care of them.

I agree with you 100% not to let this deadbeat mom off the hook. She cannot relinquish her rights, she is probably just blowing smoke. What was this woman like when your husband was with her? Why in the world did he have 2 kids with someone like that.

If she gets approved for SSD, it sounds like you will see some $$$.

Good luck

 

[JYoung]

From what I can understand, she's never been a worker. Granted, I am a stay at home mom.. but when my husband leaves for work, I'm not sitting on the couch and still in the same spot when he comes home. We figured it would be better all the way around if I stayed home. The girls needed the extra attention and it was much easier for us all to adjust with me not having to head off to a job everyday.

First, she has a son by another man... and he was just a few months old when she and my husband started dating. The other man wouldn't marry her just because she was pregnant... but did pay child support.

She stopped taking birth control and planned her first pregnancy with my husband. "SHE" planned it, not him. He never knew she came off the birth control, and was shocked to hear that she was pregnant to begin with. She did it so he would marry her, and she got her way... because he stepped up and did the right thing. (People really need to realize that babies don't make marriages, btw.)

So here's my husband, raising the son she had by another man.. and then his own baby with her. She would get a job here and there, but then quit soon after because she kept complaining that she was too tired and her legs hurt. (Maybe that was an early sign of the fibromyalgia? My husband says she's just always been lazy though.)

A few years go by, they start having some problems.. and then she runs off for a weekend with some other guy. She comes back, they make up, and then boom, she's pregnant again. Another suprise, since she decided alone to stop taking her birth control again.

This time she got pregnant, thinking another baby would save their marriage. She was hoping for a son, and got another girl instead.

So by the time that last child turned 3, their marriage was practically over. They seperated, and then a few months later, she announced that she was moving to California.

I was sitting in the same room when my husband was on the phone with her, begging her not to leave and move that far away. He told her that the children needed her in their lives, and to think about what she was going to be doing to them. He even offered to help her out and told her that she could have custody of the kids... just so long as he was given visitation. But she refused every bit of it.

Of course, she has claimed that my husband abused her, and that she had no choice but to leave and get that far away because she feared for her life. Can you see me rolling my eyes here?

First, I've known my husband since 9th grade and we've always been pretty close friends. So I'd like to think that I know him fairly well. Well enough to say that all the stuff she says is a crock. Granted, he did push her one of the last nights that she was here... but that was because she was all in his face and had an agenda to try and get him to abuse her just so she could have him locked up. (She admitted this to me on the phone once.)

Secondly, if her life was so threatened by him, why would she leave her children with him and take off? I know good and well that if I was threatened by someone like that, there's no way I'd leave my kids behind with that person. So that's a crock too. She's just fabricated these stories to try and get people to feel sorry for her.

Now, her son... she simply shipped him off to live with his real father, whom the kid has never really known. So I really felt sorry for him because I'm sure it was like being ripped away from the only family he's ever known.

When I came along, the girls were 4 and the other almost 7.. and their brother was 11. Now, they're 9, 12, and 16. Since my husband and I have been married, we've tried our best to keep the kids in contact with each other. Their brother will come visit during holidays, spring and summer school breaks.

Would you believe that she totally threw a fit when she found out we were allowing them all to visit each other? And she even called her son's father and tried to put a stop to it.

I tell you, sometimes this world is really screwed up. It seems like some of the worst people can pop children out like a vending machine... people that have no business whatsoever having kids. But then there are really good people out there that would make some of the most wonderful parents... and they are unable to even conceive. It makes me so mad sometimes to think about it.

Anyway, as for her... we explained to her last night that we're not going to allow her to sign over her rights, and that the judge won't allow her to do it just to get out of paying support. She threw a tantrum and came up with all kinds of reasons why she shouldn't have to pay.

It's sad that she can't think of the one main reason why she should want to pay. And that's to help ensure that the children she brought into this world live a good life and have money set aside for a good education.

Granted, we are financially stable here.. so the money that comes in goes into a fund for college, or it goes to pay for things that the girls need if we don't happen to have the extra cash right then.

This world is filled with some of the most screwed up people... really.

 

[Duranie]

Honestly I wish we could sterilize idiots like her.

So many women get pregnant on purpose regardless if the father wants it or not. Some women just do not take b/c responsibly, or they claim they were on it but really weren't, or they do nothing and bam they wind up pregnant. This is a topic women of all types can debate.

I cannot imagine being pregnant with a guy I hardly know. The morals of so many Americans do not exist. Having a baby with someone is such an intimate personal thing and it I beyond me why some people reproduce.

I never got pregnant while on b/c until I stopped taking it when I was 32.

It sucks for men because there is really not many options for them, besides condom use.

If the woman refuses a condom then the man risks getting her pregnant if he still has sex with her.

 

[JYoung]

Well one good thing is.. 6 months after she was gone, we got word from her that she was ill. Turned out that she'd had endometriosis and had to have a complete removal of everything.

That was a fortunate thing I think.. since she can no longer have anymore children.

And I totally agree that there are a lot of women in our society that really do need to be sterilized. Men too for that matter.