Not agreeing on issues

[adventure1902]

My ex and I have joint legal and shared physical custody. It is not 50/50 but close, she has our son most of the school year and I have all of the summer. We alternate breaks/holidays. I do have some time during the school year one overnight a week and every other weekend. Schedule works out to be a 45/55 split give or take a few percent.

Most of the time we have been able to work through issues but she was very adamant about our son going to a daycare after school last year but this school year I agreed to an after school activity but no daycare. I should add that I am available after school, always have been and always will be. Our after school plans for this school year have since fallen through and she wants to send him to her very recently back together boyfriend's sisters house. I do not agree since I am free and want to enroll him in different activities that I could take him to. She is saying her time is her time and mine is mine and she doesn't want me having any "extra time"

How do I handle this situation? Let it go and she send him to her new/old but back in the pictures boyfriend's sisters? We do not have a clearly stated ROFR but it says that if our child needs care on a sick day/holiday the first available parent will take off and then he will return to the parents house who has the overnight. It does not mention anything about after school care so I am assuming she is correct in saying that "her time is her time" and she can basically do whatever she wants for him after school. It does not seem fair that she can tell me that she does not want me having extra days because she does not "want to deal with me everyday" her exact words.

I am just not sure what to do she has very clearly stated that it would be different if she were off he would always be with her but because I am off it doesn't matter. When I had him over the summer our son went with her on days I had to work and she was off.

Any advice?

 

[Proserpina]

Can you type word for word what your order says? (Minus names).

There's a reason I'm asking.

 

[adventure1902]

"Joint legal and shared physical custody is vested in the mother and the father. School year: father will have child every other weekend after school to 6pm Sunday and every Wed after school and return to school Thursday morning. Mother will have child all other days. Summer Break : Except otherwise stated herein, child will stay with father during summer break until one full week before school begins in the fall. Mother shall have child every other weekend from Friday 6pm to Sunday 6pm and every Wed from 6pm and return to father Thursday morning. Mother will have one full week Sunday to Sunday during the summer for vacation. Father will have two full weeks Sunday to Sunday during the summer for vacation. Sick Days/ Student Holidays: If the child is sick or a student holiday is unaccounted for, the first option is for the child to stay with a parent. Whichever parent can make the arrangements to stay with the child will but the child will return to whichever parent's home he is due to that afternoon."

The rest of it is every break stated, thanksgiving break, spring break and then either even or odd year for either mother or father. They are alternated. Winter break is in odd years child is with father from after school last day of school to 5pm Christmas day and then mother 5pm Christmas day to returning to school. Even years with mother after school last day of school to 5pm Christmas day and with father 5pm Christmas day to return to school.

 

[Proserpina]

Okay. That's not actually 50/50 - it's pretty much a regular EOW/one night per week schedule. It's basically assigning Mom as the primary parent.

Your order is very vague, and I'll be honest - it does favor Mom. You might want to consider going back to court and getting ROFR added.

 

[adventure1902]

When we calculated it up with our lawyers the time share ended up being 45/55. We based our child support on a 40/60 split. Can ROFR be added easily? What about when he visits family, she often has him stay with her mom when she works weekends does ROFR exclude family because then I feel she will say her boyfriend's sister will soon be family (this is her reasoning now) so he should spend time with her.

 

[Proserpina]

As long as it's practical - ie, you live close to Mom - ROFR is quite commonly added. If Mom objects though, the court will have to decide. It honestly could go either way.

And you've got to understand that ROFR doesn't mean you're going to get kiddo every time Mom is doing something; she's allowed to use daycare, leave kiddo with friends/whatever during her parenting time.

There's a very interesting article here that goes into great detail about when ROFR is appropriate and when it's not.

You probably need to ignore the child support angle. ROFR won't affect anything there, in all likelihood.

 

[adventure1902]

My concerns are not about child support. I would not want to take him away from his grandparents. The person she is trying to send him to for after school care is not family and has previously been convicted of drug possession. I know that my ex and her boyfriends have and still use drugs but I have not had much proof of it. I have seen items in the house and comments posted on social sites. The bfs sister was also involved and has had drug charges so I do have proof. I do not want our son to be spending every afternoon with this person. I do not know her very well or trust her with him. I am available and willing to make it work in any possible way to make things easier for my ex. Her main reasons for not wanting me to get him is so that I do not get any "extra time" and so she doesn't have to "deal with me" every day.

 

[Proserpina]

I'm sorry, but without proof that the person themselves - not their relatives or friends - is actively using and/or dealing drugs AND that these things would endanger the child, you're not going to be able to stop Mom from letting the person babysit.

Both parents are considered able to make the right choices for their child/ren; the court will trust her choice until there is proof otherwise.

 

[adventure1902]

The person she wants to send our child to IS the person that was found guilty of drug charges. I feel that she doesn't have his best interests in mind her only concern is having control and making sure that I do not see him.

 

[Proserpina]

Again, you need to prove that this actively endangers the child. Since drug dealers and other felons regularly have actual custody of their own children, I doubt you can do that.