My son reprot his Father's abusive

[spiccymo]

My son is residing with his father. We have joint physical and legal custody but at the divorce I agreed to my son formal residency with his dad. Now my son is 11 and since the divorce his dad has been using drugs frequently, drinks more and is drunk and abusive verbally and physically inappropriate. He hurts him. My son wants to change his primary residence to mine because there is no conflict and he can be a kid---happy. His Dad refuses and no one will listen to what my son or I is saying. He is depressed and unhealthily over-weight. I have a secure home but not enough money for a expensive retainer fee. Legal aid wouldn't take it,,,no proof, what can we do to get him away from his tormentor that is destroying his attitude and behavior and health with no regard. I worry he will have a bigger problem once he starts middle school he has learning development delays as well. Miserable everywhere he goes he reports to me.Help!!!!!!!!!I need to help him it is my responsibility. Should he not be able to choose, he is articulate.? Grasps the situation.

 

[Proserpina]

No, he really shouldn't be able to choose - because this is an adult situation.

(Example: if he decided he no longer wanted to go to school, would you let him? nope, you wouldn't ).

When you say your husband is being physically inappropriate, what exactly do you mean?

Is your son in counseling?

Has he been seeing a doctor about his weight?

 

[spiccymo]

Yes I understand about the many decisions he cannot make for himself, I suppose I mean under the circumstances he should have a say...being that he understands haveing gang members with guns come by for a moment and go into Dad's room then leave right away. He gets that it is happening over and over during the evening and night. It happens repeatedly during each week. He doesn't want to sit with the extra friends that come with the main guy and wait with my son in the living room etc. His Dad's different demeanor and actions and such....

He has gone to the Doctor and she says the same, but Dad won't do what is asked and follow through with exercise and the correct food. He sits by himself for hours while Dad is behind the close door and feeds himself. If not that Dad pops out, wants to get back to his business and feeds him way too many corndogs, hotdogs..microwaved hot dogs. Buys soda over milk, apple juice or Gatorade. Allows a lot of soda drinking and other crappy food. Sometimes cooks but has little regard for healthy snack and pushing fruit etc. The exercise and having friends over or playing outside doesn't happen like it would with out the extracurricular activities so important to his father. Let alone like he does at my home. No money either for football and other lessons. I am trying. I am setting stuff up and I have to carry it out because he won't as has been in the past even if I set it up. I can only make so much of of an impact without having all week or every single weekend. Summers I do make some change and then he gains it back.

He picks him and tosses him, puts his hands around his neck but stops himself before squeezing. He twists him arm and pokes him hard, throws things at him like my son's own toys

He is in counseling but, I arranged at my son's home and they are being looked at by Division of Family Services.... counselor and case worker are both men. counselor does have an oppinion but defers to the case worker. If up only to the counselor who is okay but really naive, I may have a shot. He would testify on our behalf but doesn't completely believe my son or me. He finds it all too amazing that he would actually do that while my son was right there and he can't tell from their interviews. His Dad is very intimidating and has a parent with some influence in the community. He plays the single Dad card and he is just trying to be a Dad and have equal rights to being such. But over the past 5 years has proven he just doesn't give a shit about anything but what he wants as an adult. I can't prove what is going down with out a private eye. I am not sure if he should just dial 911 when it happens or what? Or at what point he should considering doing this.

 

[Proserpina]

Yes I understand about the many decisions he cannot make for himself, I suppose I mean under the circumstances he should have a say...being that he understands haveing gang members with guns come by for a moment and go into Dad's room then leave right away. He gets that it is happening over and over during the evening and night. It happens repeatedly during each week. He doesn't want to sit with the extra friends that come with the main guy and wait with my son in the living room etc. His Dad's different demeanor and actions and such....

The problem is, though this is highly suspicious, it isn't proof of anything other than Dad has a lot of friends who come and go.

He has gone to the Doctor and she says the same, but Dad won't do what is asked and follow through with exercise and the correct food. He sits by himself for hours while Dad is behind the close door and feeds himself. If not that Dad pops out, wants to get back to his business and feeds him way too many corndogs, hotdogs..microwaved hot dogs. Buys soda over milk, apple juice or Gatorade. Allows a lot of soda drinking and other crappy food. Sometimes cooks but has little regard for healthy snack and pushing fruit etc. The exercise and having friends over or playing outside doesn't happen like it would with out the extracurricular activities so important to his father.

Your son is at an age where he can exercise in his room, and make smarter choices with food and portion control. This is what you both need to be teaching him and if Dad isn't, then it falls on your head. You know? Can you send healthy snacks with him when he goes back to Dad's? Teach him - help him make those smarter choices. I know you think it's unfair (and frankly, it is, a little) that it's all basically on your head, but these aren't legal matters - they're parenting differences and this is one where you may just need to suck it up and take charge by yourself, assuming that Dad just isn't going to work with you.

Let alone like he does at my home. No money either for football and other lessons. I am trying. I am setting stuff up and I have to carry it out because he won't as has been in the past even if I set it up. I can only make so much of of an impact without having all week or every single weekend. Summers I do make some change and then he gains it back.

You might be surprised at how much of an impact you can have

Seriously - when your son is with you, go walking. Get him into that habit - that way, at 11, he's certainly old enough to take a couple of 10-minute walks by himself when he's at Dad's house. It will, if it's done consistently, become second nature to him.

He picks him and tosses him, puts his hands around his neck but stops himself before squeezing. He twists him arm and pokes him hard, throws things at him like my son's own toys

Seriously, is this rough-housing? Be honest here - could this simply be Dad rough-housing with kiddo, and maybe not knowing how rough he's being?

He is in counseling but, I arranged at my son's home and they are being looked at by Division of Family Services.... counselor and case worker are both men. counselor does have an oppinion but defers to the case worker. If up only to the counselor who is okay but really naive, I may have a shot. He would testify on our behalf but doesn't completely believe my son or me. He finds it all too amazing that he would actually do that while my son was right there and he can't tell from their interviews.

Hold up. Did I miss something? You have alluded to the possibility that Dad is dealing drugs (or something) - has your son actually WITNESSED this? Or are you both assuming that's what Dad is doing, and this is what the counselor is being told?

His Dad is very intimidating and has a parent with some influence in the community. He plays the single Dad card and he is just trying to be a Dad and have equal rights to being such. But over the past 5 years has proven he just doesn't give a shit about anything but what he wants as an adult. I can't prove what is going down with out a private eye. I am not sure if he should just dial 911 when it happens or what? Or at what point he should considering doing this.

If your son is being physically abused, he SHOULD call 911 immediately. And then you. And then YOU call CPS and report the event. CPS will investigate.

If your son is witnessing illegal activity, then yes, he is old enough to call 911. And again, you.

Give your son a prepaid cellphone, programmed with only your number (all cells will allow 911 calls so that's not an issue). Make sure he knows that he should only call if the situation warrants it - seriously, if all that is happening is that Dad is playing too rough with kiddo, that's not considered abuse.

Could you please clarify the whole gang/perhaps illicit activity to which you alluded?

 

[spiccymo]

I appreciate your input because it gives me great insight to what the caseworker and counselor are thinking...possibly, but not saying to me.

My son's major challenge in coping and changing thus implementing some strategies he has a learning disability and through this has not always been encouraged to take the reigns although I know he can do many things if encouraged.

I may not sound like it but I try to give this adult as much of the benefit of the doubt as possible. I obviously allowed the residency initially but I was told it is nothing and as it turns out it is almost everything. My divorce attorney said it was nothing, no big deal at all. This man is never happy, I mean never in a good mood and never ever wakes up less than irritated it is morning. It is almost impossible to live with someone who is like this. It is depressing for anyone. It takes massive coping skills.

I agree it is on my head but I still advocate for a change in his primary residence and wonder why this is such a far fetched idea. If I am the parent willing to put his needs first and go the extra mile then he should reside with me and this is a legal issue. I wish there was a way to file a modification without a 2000 dollar retainer fee. The one it hurts the most is the child for not having this done. It would be easier to to allow him/them to maneuver the daily routine but I want his life to be as it should be for a child and ignoring his stress is not fair to him in the long run. If it was better I would gladly work around my-ex's inability to work as a co-parent. It is not ever just an easy day so I feel compelled to work towards an answer. On Sunday when he realizes he has to go back to all the BS I can see his heart sink. This occurs especially after having 2-3 days of being a kid, no fighting, lots of laughter and attention as well as encouragement. It is written all over his face that he dreads going back.

Who knows what gang, it isn't like they live somewhere that this is clearly defined. I am sure he knows for himself but I do not. I do know he will not give up the income he receives from the Dad for all these years.

Not just rough housing absolutely not. He doesn't sell them but uses the drugs. I know this for a fact. It is a matter of time before he pays the consequences I imagine. those consequences being both in his health and legal. I agree the phone is a sound solution and hope my child does not have it taken away.

I as I before mentioned appreciate your insight. I wish I knew more about the exact issues that have an impact on the change of residency so I could re-evaluate what is done with regards to his weekly regime and would be more pertinent to a legal point of view. I would never lie but I realize what I may think is an issue may not be accepted as an issue however other incidences that I am loosing sight of my be just such a deal breaker.

Many issues I haven't covered because it is just a lot of details but it does really help to think about how the authoritative body's ]that be].....may be processing the information I am giving them. Issues important to me are just not that big of an issue however I hope other issues resonate as completely unacceptable.

 

[Proserpina]

I appreciate your input because it gives me great insight to what the caseworker and counselor are thinking...possibly, but not saying to me.

My son's major challenge in coping and changing thus implementing some strategies he has a learning disability and through this has not always been encouraged to take the reigns although I know he can do many things if encouraged.

Even with a learning disability, you can make huge steps with your son (you know this ). He needs help, and perhaps you are going to be the primary source of that help.

I may not sound like it but I try to give this adult as much of the benefit of the doubt as possible. I obviously allowed the residency initially but I was told it is nothing and as it turns out it is almost everything. My divorce attorney said it was nothing, no big deal at all. This man is never happy, I mean never in a good mood and never ever wakes up less than irritated it is morning. It is almost impossible to live with someone who is like this. It is depressing for anyone. It takes massive coping skills.

While that's true, you don't live with him any more. He could well have adopted a completely new attitude.

Your attorney was mistaken, and that's where the problem lies - residency is a HUGE thing because, once it's decided, it's very difficult to change without a change in the child's circumstances (unless, of course, the parents agree) or something serious happening to the custodial parent (jail, for example).

I agree it is on my head but I still advocate for a change in his primary residence and wonder why this is such a far fetched idea. If I am the parent willing to put his needs first and go the extra mile then he should reside with me and this is a legal issue.

Here's the thing. You decided that Dad was fit to be primary custodian; for that to now change, you'll need to prove a change in kiddo's circumstances...you wanting him with you isn't enough, nor is kiddo wanting to move. It may sound harsh, but it's also the truth.

I wish there was a way to file a modification without a 2000 dollar retainer fee.

The thing is, you haven't really shown anything to justify a modification.

(They can be done pro se, by the way - you don't need an attorney, you just need to learn about how it's done and most districts have great self-help resources).

The one it hurts the most is the child for not having this done. It would be easier to to allow him/them to maneuver the daily routine but I want his life to be as it should be for a child and ignoring his stress is not fair to him in the long run. If it was better I would gladly work around my-ex's inability to work as a co-parent. It is not ever just an easy day so I feel compelled to work towards an answer. On Sunday when he realizes he has to go back to all the BS I can see his heart sink. This occurs especially after having 2-3 days of being a kid, no fighting, lots of laughter and attention as well as encouragement. It is written all over his face that he dreads going back.

So is his therapist documenting this? Does the therapist believe that living with Dad is detrimental?

Who knows what gang, it isn't like they live somewhere that this is clearly defined. I am sure he knows for himself but I do not. I do know he will not give up the income he receives from the Dad for all these years.

Not just rough housing absolutely not. He doesn't sell them but uses the drugs. I know this for a fact. It is a matter of time before he pays the consequences I imagine. those consequences being both in his health and legal. I agree the phone is a sound solution and hope my child does not have it taken away.

Unless you can PROVE that Dad isn't just using, but endangering your son while he's using, it may not be as big an issue as you think. Of course it may also depend on the drug - the courts see a huge difference between meth and pot, for example.

I as I before mentioned appreciate your insight. I wish I knew more about the exact issues that have an impact on the change of residency so I could re-evaluate what is done with regards to his weekly regime and would be more pertinent to a legal point of view. I would never lie but I realize what I may think is an issue may not be accepted as an issue however other incidences that I am loosing sight of my be just such a deal breaker.

If you can show that your son living with Dad is actually detrimental to his wellbeing - ie, if your son's therapist can attest to this - then your task will be much easier. But outside of that, you'll have to either show that Dad is unfit or, again, that something in kiddo's circumstances have changed.

Many issues I haven't covered because it is just a lot of details but it does really help to think about how the authoritative body's ]that be].....may be processing the information I am giving them. Issues important to me are just not that big of an issue however I hope other issues resonate as completely unacceptable.

Unfortunately, your biggest issue is that you basically said that you thought Dad was fit to be the custodial parent - it will be, without something changing, difficult to un-ring that bell.

I'm sorry I don't have better news for you.

 

[spiccymo]

All this information is appreciated and helpful, very helpful. I can be much more focused.
Thank You