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My father was the victim of physical and emotional domestic abuse, and I'm looking for advice on wha

Discussion in 'Other Family Law Matters' started by RyanFromMassachusetts18, Jan 7, 2020.

  1. RyanFromMassachusetts18

    RyanFromMassachusetts18 Law Topic Starter New Member

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    To preface, I'm an 18 y/o man from Massachusetts, and this incident happened to my 44 y/o father. Earlier today, my brother called me and let my know that my dad had just called him sobbing incoherently, so I dropped everything and tried to contact him. I eventually got through to him and he told me that he was walking around near his home and was in the parking lot of a local convenience store. He was very obviously upset and told me that he had been drinking, so I headed over to pick him up. When I arrived, he broke down in tears and eventually opened up to me after a couple minutes. He said that he and his girlfriend (whom he lives with) had gotten in an argument in the parking lot at a local bank, and when it escalated she hit him "3-5 times with and open hand in the face". We drove around for a couple hours, and he was seriously in a bad emotional state. He added that she often "blew up on him" and had a temper. She was in contact with him throughout this time and said some vile things that I'd rather not repeat about us over text message. These texts did not include further threats, nor did they mention the incident, but they belittled him and disparaged both me and my siblings. I brought him back to the house to grab some things to spend the night in a hotel, and she was in the house at the time. No further argument ensued when he returned home. He had not, to my knowledge, begun drinking before this incident took place.

    Initially, she threatened to call the police on him in what I assume to be an attempt to blackmail him/create a false narrative but they were never contacted. I saw her after the incident when I went to his house to grab a pair of shoes, and she had no visible signs of abuse or distress, and acted as if nothing had happened. I didn't ask her about the incident. I feared that she would try to blame him, and possibly injure herself to support her side of the story, but from what I visually assessed she was in perfect health afterwards My father is a large and muscular man, and therefore did not show any physical markers of the alleged abuse. The location where this occurred was the parking lot of a public bank, and my father and his girlfriend were in a car at the time of the incident. I called the bank today and spoke with a representative, who allowed me to leave a message to the security officer with my name and number. I obliged, and included that I would like to examine the security tape during the approximate time frame of the incident to see if any of it was captured. All in all, it was a deeply traumatic experience and it has been hard for me to cope with having seen him in the emotional state he was.

    My main question is, what can I do as a non-involved party to ensure that this incident is taken to the police? My father has expressed little interest in pursing legal recourse; I suspect this is because he fears the stigma of being a male victim of domestic violence and also that her emotional abuse prevents him from seeing the severity of the situation. If the footage shows the incident taking place, will this be enough to ensure that legal action is possible? I don't have experience in any faucet of law so I am open to any advice which could help ensure that this abuse is brought to the attention of the justice system. This is my forum post, so I apologize for any errors I have made in formatting.
     
  2. justblue

    justblue Well-Known Member

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    There is nothing you can do to file a complaint. That is up to your father. I suggest you cation him about returning to the apartment/house he shared with the GF. Advise him to get his own place and have nothing to do with her again. Block her on social media and her phone number. He should also seek therapy to help deal with the emotional/psychological effects of the violence...the pain of the assault fades quickly but the damage of the betrayal and verbal abuse last a long, long time. There are men's groups he may find very helpful...he, sadly, isn't the only man to be abused by his partner.
     
  3. leslie82

    leslie82 Well-Known Member

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    Your father has to call the police and file a report. You can't do it for him. Yes it is extremely hard for male victims of dv - they are in the dark ages still. There's one dv shelter in the entire US for males and it's in Texas.

    If he doesn't want legal recourse, it won't happen. Unfortunately, he's like any victim and he won't seek help until he's ready. All you can do is support him. Don't push him. Don't tell him what he should do. But if YOU witness any abuse, call the police immediately.
     
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  4. leslie82

    leslie82 Well-Known Member

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    That's easier said than done...you can tell someone to leave all you want. They won't until they're ready. I'm a survivor and I have been trying to get my mom to leave her shitty husband and she refuses for some reason. But I continue to let her know she has a place to stay with me. As do my brothers with them. That's all one can do. We can't make anyone leave abuse - and leaving is the most dangerous time.
     
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  5. justblue

    justblue Well-Known Member

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    That isn't true...Massachusetts has DV Shelters for men.
     
  6. army judge

    army judge Super Moderator

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    If I heard what you heard, my first desire would to be to get HELP for my father.

    My second desire would be to get that beast out of the home (an emergency protective order would quickly cause the batterer to be removed from the home), or help my father find safe living arrangements.
     
  7. cbg

    cbg Super Moderator

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    And so do at least two other states in addition to Texas. However, it is true that shelters for men are not thick on the ground.
     
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  8. leslie82

    leslie82 Well-Known Member

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    It must have changed - last I read there was one in Texas and that was the only one at the time but it has been awhile since I looked into it.

    My bad - I see one in Arkansas opened in 2017 that was believed to be the first registered shelter for male dv victims then joined by one in Dallas as one of the only two at the time. I hadn't heard about any other ones in the news so I went with what I last heard.

    Either way, as stated, not many exist solely for male victims. Male dv victims are pretty much ignored.
     
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  9. leslie82

    leslie82 Well-Known Member

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    The OP can do all that - but if his father doesn't want it, then it won't happen. The OP can't make his father leave or file anything. Usually dv victims will resist those who try to make them do things even if it's in their best interest.
     
  10. army judge

    army judge Super Moderator

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    Which is the reason I avoid listening to people who start to complain.

    I suddenly excuse myself and discretely evacuate the AO.
     
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