Getting married and moving out of state with military

[swall727]

I am getting married as soon as my fiance is done with Basic training in October. *We would already be married but were told that becuase I have two children (from other fathers) that he could not enlist with two dependents and both would be considered as such through the military.*
This is going to make us HAVE to move from Minnesota as there is no Air Force base in the state... and they assign you where they want you to be. This will also happen very quickly with little to no notice!
My daughter is sole custody in my name and her father has visitation rights (which he never uses) so I am not worried about her. ( I should note here that he lives in another state already so we have no issues or experience with moving as he left us)
My son though... I have Joint Physical and Joint Legal custody of. His father is VERY involved in his life and I dont want to change that... but he has told me he will never let me leave the state with his son. Our paperwork does not day anything about either of us moving out of state... it does say we have to send a letter to the other when we move but nothing about going out of state etc.
I just want to know what is the right thing to do. Should I hire a lawyer and go try to gain full custody or can I keep things the way they are and have him visit his dad? I want him to have time with his son but I don't want to lose my son in the process! Help!

 

[Duranie]

You already posted this. You just cannot get up and move without notifying the fathers and getting their permission or the courts. Seems like father number 2 is going to give you trouble. He does have a right to custody of the child if he can prove it is not in the childs best interest to allow the move. You are not even married to this man yet. Sorry but Dad #2 can block the move. You'll need to hire an attorney most likely if you cannot get Dad #2 to give you permission through the courts to move. This may not bw resolved in time for you to move so your options might be limited. Either stay in state until the courts give you the ok or leave the child with Dad. A man you are not even married too yet does not help your case at all, even if he is military.

 

[swall727]

Hi...
Thanks for the quick response. I did want to let you know that I first off, NEVER POSTED on this site or ANYWHERE else EVER asking for help! It was rude of you to speak like that to me!
Second... I understand that me not being married as of yet does not help me... I was simply stating the fact that I will be when all this takes place, so that you could give me an informed answer.
I am looking for information on what I need to do so that I can begin the process... and you should take care how you speak to someone... not a very good representation of this site!
I actually got in contact with a lawyer on Friday and he explained everything to me and told me a VERY different story from the way you so distastefully responded to my question.
So, thanks for nothing.

 

[BayState]

Hi...
Thanks for the quick response. I did want to let you know that I first off, NEVER POSTED on this site or ANYWHERE else EVER asking for help! It was rude of you to speak like that to me!
Second... I understand that me not being married as of yet does not help me... I was simply stating the fact that I will be when all this takes place, so that you could give me an informed answer.
I am looking for information on what I need to do so that I can begin the process... and you should take care how you speak to someone... not a very good representation of this site!
I actually got in contact with a lawyer on Friday and he explained everything to me and told me a VERY different story from the way you so distastefully responded to my question.
So, thanks for nothing.

Tell you what darlin'...Ask your questions to that "lawyer" and don't bother to post here with your nasty and entitled attitude. That lawyer works for a large fee...We VOLUNTEER!

 

[Duranie]

You either posted on another site or it was this one, my bad if you have never posted before but I know I have seen this post somewhere else.

You need to talk to this attorney then and get the ball rolling NOW. If you already talked to an attorney I have no idea why you are still asking here. The truth is, you do not automatically get to move out of state with the kid(s) and Dad can dispute the move and file for custody. Sounds like the second Dad does have a chance at blocking the move. If you have the money and the time to fight this, then go ahead. Hopefully Dad will see an attorney to get some advice so he does not allow you to dictate when and if he will see his child again. Should you be allowed to move, I would be asking that you pay 100% for all travel costs associated with the move. Be prepared for that as well.

 

[swall727]

Listen,
I want to say I am sorry for how angry that first reply was. I just am stressed out with all that is going on... we did not know that the Air Force was going to move us and they just threw it out there at us. I was unprepared and still am! I am worried because I love my son and I want to spend time with him... I am not trying to 'steal' my son away from his father... I have no desire to do that... I just want to be able to spend time with him and have him live a family life with his sister and our family.
I have spoken to a lawyer, but I wanted to see what someone elses opinion about everything was... I am hearing thirty different things from everyone I know.
I happened upon this site while searching for a lawyer to contact... I contacted you both at the same time and he responded right before you did. I was put off because what you said and what he said were SOO different that I dunno who to believe! He told me I will have no problem getting the move because its better for my son, and because I am the person who provides all the health care and has a family unit for my son. His father does not provide (even with a court order) health care or pay for his part of health expenses etc. He does not work and lives off playing poker at the bar and the casino during the day. He places my son in daycare two of the four days he has him... saying that it is 'good for him' to be around other kids.
he LOVES his son and for that reason I want him to be around... but it seems unfair that someone with so little care for himself and his child's welfare can stop me from moving my other children with their father (who loves them very much and has provided for them also) and my husband, without leaving my son totally out of my life!
I am not doing ANYTHING until I am married in October and I have the orders from the Air Force. I just want to know what the heck I am supposed to do when that time comes... so that I can be prepared!
Sorry for allowing my temper to come out... I am just worried. I am sure you can understand! Thanks for responding... I just was mostly confused that everything you said was SO different from what the lawyer told me. I will be trying another lawyer in October too.

 

[BayState]

Listen,
I want to say I am sorry for how angry that first reply was. I just am stressed out with all that is going on... we did not know that the Air Force was going to move us and they just threw it out there at us. I was unprepared and still am! I am worried because I love my son and I want to spend time with him... I am not trying to 'steal' my son away from his father... I have no desire to do that... I just want to be able to spend time with him and have him live a family life with his sister and our family.
I have spoken to a lawyer, but I wanted to see what someone elses opinion about everything was... I am hearing thirty different things from everyone I know.
I happened upon this site while searching for a lawyer to contact... I contacted you both at the same time and he responded right before you did. I was put off because what you said and what he said were SOO different that I dunno who to believe! He told me I will have no problem getting the move because its better for my son, and because I am the person who provides all the health care and has a family unit for my son. His father does not provide (even with a court order) health care or pay for his part of health expenses etc. He does not work and lives off playing poker at the bar and the casino during the day. He places my son in daycare two of the four days he has him... saying that it is 'good for him' to be around other kids.
he LOVES his son and for that reason I want him to be around... but it seems unfair that someone with so little care for himself and his child's welfare can stop me from moving my other children with their father (who loves them very much and has provided for them also) and my husband, without leaving my son totally out of my life!
I am not doing ANYTHING until I am married in October and I have the orders from the Air Force. I just want to know what the heck I am supposed to do when that time comes... so that I can be prepared!
Sorry for allowing my temper to come out... I am just worried. I am sure you can understand! Thanks for responding... I just was mostly confused that everything you said was SO different from what the lawyer told me. I will be trying another lawyer in October too.

You are not getting ordered to move by the AF...Your boyfriend is. It is your choice to make this move. From the sounds of it your child Father has a very close relationship with his son. Placing the child in daycare is not uncaring and it IS good for the child to develop social skills.

You will have to prove to a judge that moving is in the best interest of the CHILD. Not you. Not your BF. Not your other children. This child.

The attorney may be right and you may be given permission to move...If that is the case you will most likely be ordered to provide the bulk of the transportation for your son to visit with his father. You should also get a web-cam so that your child can "see" and talk with his Dad everyday. Google long distance visitation plans for your state so that you will have an idea how often visitation will be and make sure you accommodate your finances to meet your obligation. Because you may be placing a lot of distance between your son and his Dad you need to work even harder to facilitate their relationship. No having your son call your BF "daddy". Do NOT try to replace his father or minimize the importance of his place in your child's life. Remember! It is your LEGAL OBLIGATION to make sure your child and his father continue to have a loving relationship...Failing to do so may result in loss of custody.

 

[Duranie]

I have a hard time believing an attorney would tell you you'll have no problem moving. If he is so confident then hire him. Your biggest drawbacks are that Dad is involved, and you are not even married to this man. If extended family is in the area that is another problem. You have to prove the move is in the childs best interest and not yours. The military is not giving you orders to move, your boyfriend/fiancee has the orders and he is not the boys Dad.

Visitation and child support-dad not paying you what he is supposed to is totally different. If he is not following the order then file contempt.

Have you even asked the father and tried to work something out for him? I don't anticipate he'll cooperate unless you make him a good deal but you should at least ask.

This is also assuming Dad number 1 is not going to give you any problems. I would not just assume you are home free on this one but if he does not regularly see the child or pay support, your chances are good with him.

You have to be open to the possibility though that if you are not able to prove the move is in the child's best interest, you may lose custody if you move.

What state are you in?

 

[swall727]

I am in Minnesota.
And see, thats another reason I am so confused, again, laywer is different than what you guys are saying. Like I said... I totally understand that I cannot do anything till I am married, I am just trying to make the plan ahead of time and figure out what the options are.
I grew up in a split family home and my parents did a great job with visitation etc.. I love my dad and my mom equally so I understand how important that is.
As for my daughter's father... he doesn't have any type of custody of her, and I am the one who helps them even stay in contact... he doesn't care at all. Never calls, never writes, has never seen her since I bought a plane ticket when she was 2 so they could meet. She's almost 7 now. Also, he lives in Arizona, so pretty much any move would make us closer to him. I was told that a court will never fight that, even if he wanted to. Is that much, at least, true?
I understand I will have to pay for my son to see his dad, and I am ok with that. Money is not pouring outta me, but I will do whatever possible to keep them having a healthy relationship.
In response to the daycare comment, I agree that daycare is good for kids to a point... however, its not needed when you don't work! I would understand a prechool or something educational... but a babysitter for two days out of the 3 and half days you have him? Kinda odd.
I was told that if the courts were to grant me my move, I would most likely get the short end of the stick as far as visitation goes... which is ok. I just don't want to lose him.
I don't intend to move at all until this is settled so I guess at this point I just say thank you for all the information and I will contact a lawyer once I am married and the orders come through.
Seriously, thank you. I just will take it a day at a time and see what happens.