(ex) husband violent- impact on child custody?

[tsunami]

Hello,

I am in VA and have been married to an abusive man for 5 years now and was wondering if this spousal abuse can have an impact on the custody decision. I don't know if pictures of the damage in the house and 2 domestic violence calls documentatons (not police reports, just documentation) is considered evidence, but that is all I have. I was always afraid to press charges against him because of the potential consequences (him going to jail, divorce,him hurting me worse, etc.). He moved out 1 year ago and I have been the primary caregiver for our 2 children. He supports us financially and sees the kids 2-3 times a week (never overnight).

There are times when my son has to listen to his father's verbal assaults towards me, but I have no proof (son is 3). I realize this is hurting my children, but how will I convince a judge/court that he will not stop before my children???

He is very capable of presenting himself as the example citizen and arrogantly proclaims that every judge will award him joint legal custody, based on his appearance and the picture he paints through his lawyer. Will they award him joint legal custody??

I am not currently working and do not have any family here to help or support me. He has his family here (he lives with his mother).

Will the judge ignore the domestic violence issue when it comes to custody matters???

 

[Duranie]

If you can prove he is violent then that is possible, however, just because he is violent with you does not mean he is going to abuse the kids.

Since you have limited financial resources, I highly recommend you get a job. Your days of being a SAHM are over if you get a divorce. You can ask for child support, temp. alimony and half of day care expenses.

Is he agreeing to the divorce? Are you able to hire an attorney? Why don't you try to work something out with your husband instead of both of you battling for custody. Do either of you have an attorney?
He very likely is going to get unsupervised visits. You can try for supoervised and no overnights but you have to prove that Dad is a threat to the kids.

You really should see an attorney.

 

[calalily]

You can go online and check out custody laws; just Google VA (spelll out state name) custody laws and see if there is information that will help you.

 

[RR37]

I work as a DV volunteer in my local community and am a DV survivor myself. I must encourage you to be cautious with this man. If he has physically abused you in the past and has not sought out any counseling or help at all, you are at great risk for the violence to continue! Divorce can be a stressful experience and he could be triggered by this! Be very careful! You should know by now his cycles of violence and that you must not be alone with this man...EVER AGAIN! Do everything you can to setup public visitation swaps and if you think he is escalating you will want to look into meeting him at your local PD to give him the children for your own safety and welfare.

It sounds to me as though he is using your children to try and hurt you even more, by saying he can "appear" to be the perfect husband and father. He obviously is a danger to the children if he is abusing (verbal abuse IS abuse) you in front of them and that is VITAL information for the Court to hear. He doesn't have to lay a hand on them to be a concern for their safety. NO child should be subjected to observe any sort of verbal or physical abuse, especially when it is by either parent to the other parent! It is very damaging to children to be in these situations and as their parent it is your obligation to them to help protect them at all cost.

Document ALL contact with your ex and gather as much evidence from previous abuse, even if it is just sworn affidavits from neighbors or family and friends. It is common knowledge that most DV victims do not report their abuse, but judges know that doesn't mean it isn't happening! Try to locate any medical records that display the abuse, any letters or threatening VM's he may have left before, etc. Anything to show his potential for violence against you. If anything the Court will at least order all visitation pickups and drop-offs to be at a safe location...usually a non-profit counseling center or PD.

If for ANY reason he gets violent or verbally abusive with you again I would highly recommend you request a TRO. Many think it's just a piece of paper, but law enforcement agency are taking TRO's more seriously these days. Just turn on the news and see all the woman being murdered by their violent ex's. It's becoming a forefront as a serious societal issue in America today, so do not let people tell you a TRO is worthless.

Just make sure you document ALL communications with your ex, so you are prepared for Court either way. I am not saying he is a bad father because he abuses you, but I do know the statistics of men that have abusive patterns that do not seek out help, escalating to abuse others close to them. This is especially true when the woman leaves. He may try to use the children to still control you, but just stay calm and do not let him victimize you any longer. However, also do whatever you can to keep from causing an escalation as well. Try not to be too demanding or threaten him with any legal action. In fact, the less you talk to him the better off everyone will be in the end. You may want to consider speaking to a DV counselor in your area to get advice on how to help you manage working with him, so he doesn't perceive you as working against him and escalate.

You can find many local non-profit DV organizations and I was not sure where exactly you lived in VA, so I found a few for you to start with. They can assist you with one closer in your area and remember it is confidential.

http://www.vadv.org/
http://www.samaritanhouseva.org/
http://www.divorcesource.com/shelters/virginia.shtml

Also, I would focus on healing your family right now and not a job. If he is assisting you still that is good. However, once you establish your plan you will want to locate at least a part-time job, depending on your situation. Depending on your judge they may not expect you to just up and find a job, since you have been a SAHM and it is also dependent on the age of the children too. Some Courts will overlook you not having a job if you have a young one under two, at least in CO they do, or if the children have any special needs that would make daycare/respite cost more then what you would make working, etc.

Here is an exert out of a MI attorney's book that is online I thought you may want to read, regarding DV and custody:
http://www.childcustody.net/38.html

It's very interesting and the only reason I use it for quotes is that it is straight to the point answers from an attorney for those questions many do not address with Family Law issues.

Good luck and stay safe!