Custody.

[fexytexyxi]

Ok, I do not live in missouri where my daughter is, currently I am enlisted into the United States Marine Corps on active duty in north carolina.

Here is my problem, both me and the mother agreed to seperate back in february of 2009. I deployed the end of 2009 and came back in may of 2010, been in divorce process ever since then. I wanted an agreement to be reached on our parenting plans but she keeps changing things up and making it real difficult, wanting more money for me to pay for everything child care health care, she even wants to claim her on her taxes every signle year, however she has not had a job since end of july, 2010. And she cant even find one right now. I was wondering what are my chances going to be of me getting custody of my daughter (all i want is joint but i want to be the primary caregiver). I am getting out of the military in another month and a half. I don't know if there is any other information i can give to help come up with an answer but if you have questions i will pay very close attention to this.

Currently I am paying her 360 a month in child support and after i pay the child support i end up making about 650 every 2 weeks, so about 1300 a month.

I appreciate everyone taking their time to read this, i already have a lawyer, however he is saying that her not having any income makes no difference to the court.

 

[Proserpina]

Your attorney is right - the courts cannot hold her lack of income against her when it comes to custody.

Mom has status quo on her side and in order to change custody at this point you'll need to either prove that Mom is unfit, or show a significant change in your child's circumstances.

Also, you likely won't get a 50-50 timeshare unless a) you move to where Mom is and b) Mom agrees to such a timeshare.

 

[fexytexyxi]

I'm close to playing dirty with this woman. She has no job and making me pay for EVERYTHING! but i cant afford to do that and live, how is it possible that i pay for everything but the mother keeps custody? This law is unfair. There has got to be something i can do, how do i prove she is unfit? and how do i show a change in circumstances?

 

[Proserpina]

Here's the thing.

She's not unfit. If she was, you would have done something about it before now, and child services would likely have been involved. I'm talking about obvious and PROVEN neglect, abuse, that sort of thing.

Unfit doesn't mean she doesn't work, lives in a one room apartment, buys clothing from Goodwill etc.,

Unfit means she is literally not fit to be a parent. It means she consistently endangers, abandons and/or neglects the child. It means she drives drunk with the child present. It means she lives with a level 3 sex offender and lets him babysit.

Honestly - I strongly recommend you do NOT go down this avenue. Slinging mud will leave you with dirty hands.

With regards to a change in circumstance - well, what has changed in the past year?

(You returning from deployment doesn't count)

(And I do thank you for your service, btw!)

 

[fexytexyxi]

I'm posting this cause I hope you all will understand where I am coming from.

I'm a good father, I don't believe that I should pay for EVERYTHING even expenses for her coming to visit me when i get my time with her, and not get any form of custody of her. I decided after talking to a few people including my brother. I can't handle this, and im going to take this to a supreme court which was recommended by many lawyers who think I should have custody seeing as everything I have done was for my daughter. I'm going to submit a news story and try to take this world wide and open people's eyes that just because she is the mother doesn't mean she should have custody of her, I don't care how much money I have to spend on this I just want a fair trial, I just can't stand being away from my daughter.

Hopefully soon you guys will see me on the news, I already have 4 companies coming for me to do interviews and put some cameras on me cause even they think this is dumb, and if a judge is the only person that can't see how much of a mistake he is making by putting a no career no job no savings person as caretaker of a child their eyes are going to open quickly. And this isn't just for me, this is for every father out there who doesn't stand a chance in a courtroom just because the mother is there. If you can't be responsible enough to find a job and hold onto it for your daughter/son i see that as unfit. And if you are unwilling to move out of the area just to find said job then how is that parenting?

I'm not going to stand idly by and give up everything. And I'm not fighting for myself, yet again I am going to war with the united states laws, for every father out there who can't get what he deserves and the mother walks away with everything even tho she is not able to support a child without needing help from every corner of the state. So to all people who agreee with this movement please help me. I am mailing out petitions to change this to see what the population thinks is fair and unfair and I am going to show the supreme court that this system is wrong, just tell me your area if you believe in this and I will get mailing lists and I will mail out surveys and see what the people have to say.

Thank you for taking your time reading this. And thank you Proserpina for recognizing the military.

 

[Proserpina]

I'm posting this cause I hope you all will understand where I am coming from.

I'm a good father, I don't believe that I should pay for EVERYTHING even expenses for her coming to visit me when i get my time with her, and not get any form of custody of her.

Hold on hon! Please!

You will get SOME sort of custody - likely joint legal and perhaps joint physical (which doesn't automatically mean 50-50 timeshare). Please understand that!

And you will NOT be ordered to pay for everything!!! You will likely be paying child support, yes. But that's according to state guidelines...you won't be required to pay ALL of Mom's bills and expenses, too - she IS required to contribute herself.

I decided after talking to a few people including my brother. I can't handle this, and im going to take this to a supreme court which was recommended by many lawyers who think I should have custody seeing as everything I have done was for my daughter. I'm going to submit a news story and try to take this world wide and open people's eyes that just because she is the mother doesn't mean she should have custody of her, I don't care how much money I have to spend on this I just want a fair trial, I just can't stand being away from my daughter.

Oh sweety - I really DO empathize with you. I truly do!!!! But you're not going to get anywhere. Mom is fit - and your daughter has been with Mommy for quite awhile now. Is it in her best interests to be ripped from where she's comfortable and stable, to be placed elsewhere?

Couldn't that be quite traumatic.

Please think of her!

Hopefully soon you guys will see me on the news, I already have 4 companies coming for me to do interviews and put some cameras on me cause even they think this is dumb, and if a judge is the only person that can't see how much of a mistake he is making by putting a no career no job no savings person as caretaker of a child their eyes are going to open quickly. And this isn't just for me, this is for every father out there who doesn't stand a chance in a courtroom just because the mother is there. If you can't be responsible enough to find a job and hold onto it for your daughter/son i see that as unfit. And if you are unwilling to move out of the area just to find said job then how is that parenting?

I know you're not going to like this, but here's how the law sees it. You CHOSE Mom to be the parent of your child. You told the entire world that you think she's fit to be your child's parent. The courts CANNOT hold her lack of job or finances against her when deciding custody - they simply cannot do that. That would mean that any SAHM (stay at home Mom) who doesn't work would be unfit!

Can you imagine?

She is NOT - by legal standards - unfit. The fact that she has had your daughter in her custody during your absence only proves this. If you had serious concerns, you would have done something earlier - that's not my opinion, but it IS how the courts will perceive the situation.

I'm not going to stand idly by and give up everything. And I'm not fighting for myself, yet again I am going to war with the united states laws, for every father out there who can't get what he deserves and the mother walks away with everything even tho she is not able to support a child without needing help from every corner of the state. So to all people who agreee with this movement please help me. I am mailing out petitions to change this to see what the population thinks is fair and unfair and I am going to show the supreme court that this system is wrong, just tell me your area if you believe in this and I will get mailing lists and I will mail out surveys and see what the people have to say.

Thank you for taking your time reading this. And thank you Proserpina for recognizing the military.

You're not going to lose everything.

You chose to have a child with this lady - and your little girl has been with Mom for quite some time, and this really is about what's in HER best interests...not yours or Mom's.

My best suggestion is that you move closer to Mom. Get a decent visitation plan in place, and perhaps eventually you can get that 50-50 timeshare.

For what it's worth, my #2 daughter returns home tomorrow evening from Afghanistan (she left Kuwait last night for Texas!). She has 2 weeks R&R before she goes back. I really do recognize and appreciate all of your hard work.

I also really feel for you - but the legal reality is what it is.

 

[fexytexyxi]

I'm sorry, but this is in my daughters best interest, she spends alot of time with me, and even after 7 months of deployment and almost a whole year of not seeing her, I picked her up and took her on vacation with me, no mommy, nothing. She enjoyed herself, she never cried once never even asked about her mother for a whole month. She isn't getting ripped from anything and i've considered every possibility and i never once gave the mother full custody of the child, she had to take her cause I had no other choice, I was in the military deployed and couldn't do anything about it cause she is the mother, if i could have done it i would have made my ex wife stay in the area at least instead of having to hear about her leaving, the original agreement was a 50-50 parenting plan then as soon as she left we never got anything done in legal documentation noone was stated primary caregiver nothing but the mother still took advantage of me from every angle, and i can't move closer to her, if the mother can't afford it how will i? It's not easy but there are multiple cases like this where the mother/father without a job wins the custody of the child just because they knew exactly which judge to go to or which lawyer to go to. I can't play this game and everyone else who is in the same situation or even close sees this as unfair, even people who don't have kids are telling me this is a great idea, and a couple of people who aren't lawyers but are in law school are even advising me to do this, I just need the direction. This is going to happen i will do anything to give my little girl the life she deserves, no questions asked.

 

[Proserpina]

I'm sorry, but this is in my daughters best interest, she spends alot of time with me, and even after 7 months of deployment and almost a whole year of not seeing her, I picked her up and took her on vacation with me, no mommy, nothing. She enjoyed herself, she never cried once never even asked about her mother for a whole month. She isn't getting ripped from anything and i've considered every possibility and i never once gave the mother full custody of the child, she had to take her cause I had no other choice, I was in the military deployed and couldn't do anything about it cause she is the mother, if i could have done it i would have made my ex wife stay in the area at least instead of having to hear about her leaving, the original agreement was a 50-50 parenting plan then as soon as she left we never got anything done in legal documentation noone was stated primary caregiver nothing but the mother still took advantage of me from every angle, and i can't move closer to her, if the mother can't afford it how will i? It's not easy but there are multiple cases like this where the mother/father without a job wins the custody of the child just because they knew exactly which judge to go to or which lawyer to go to. I can't play this game and everyone else who is in the same situation or even close sees this as unfair, even people who don't have kids are telling me this is a great idea, and a couple of people who aren't lawyers but are in law school are even advising me to do this, I just need the direction. This is going to happen i will do anything to give my little girl the life she deserves, no questions asked.

Hon, this is the legal reality.

Mom has status quo on her side. She has been your daughter's primary caregiver. The courts are not going to change that unless you can either prove that Mom is unfit, or that there has been a significant change in your daughter's circumstances.

Like Mom going to jail. Or becoming disabled to the point where she cannot look after your daughter. Or perhaps Mom marries a 5-time felon. Or your daughters grades drop dramatically within say...a 6 month period.

You're not going to get custody just because you want custody.

And even worse...you live in another state. So you're not only asking for custody, you're asking to relocate the child to a different state and that is terrifically difficult to do.

There's no custody to "win" - Mom has it already. I'm sorry - but you need to accept these legal realities.

The other reality - as hard as it is to hear - is that you DID allow Mom to have primary custody. Sure, you didn't really have a choice...but you made the choice to join the military and this is just one of the consequences of doing so.