Chances of sole custody

[mother1]

I have been married for 19 years and the relationship is progressively getting worse. My husband has been verbally abusing me for a long time now and it has gotten to the point that I no longer can tollerate it. In addition during the last two weeks he started to physically abuse me. While he does not hit me he looses control and in anger pushes me to the point that I fall down. Things have been really tense around here but that does not justify such behavior.
We have two small children and at this point they are the only reason I am still in this relationship. I am simply worried that if we are divorced my husband will get joint custody and will be able to take them away for a day or two. I just don't trust him. I have never left them with him alone ever since they were born - I know that he loves them but I think that he loves himself more and he has bad temper and will verbally abuse them as well (he uses curse words around them when he gets upset despite the fact that I do not allow it...) I am also worried that he will hit them if they misbehave. He has a very close relationship with his mother who is a self-centered and abusive person. Until now every contact my children had with their paternal grandmother was under my close supervision where I was able to intervene whenever necessary.
What are my chances of getting sole custody of my children and supervised visits if I decide to proceed with the divorce?

 

[Proserpina]

I have been married for 19 years and the relationship is progressively getting worse. My husband has been verbally abusing me for a long time now and it has gotten to the point that I no longer can tollerate it. In addition during the last two weeks he started to physically abuse me. While he does not hit me he looses control and in anger pushes me to the point that I fall down. Things have been really tense around here but that does not justify such behavior.

But there are no police reports, charges or convictions of domestic violence, correct?

We have two small children and at this point they are the only reason I am still in this relationship. I am simply worried that if we are divorced my husband will get joint custody and will be able to take them away for a day or two. I just don't trust him. I have never left them with him alone ever since they were born - I know that he loves them but I think that he loves himself more and he has bad temper and will verbally abuse them as well (he uses curse words around them when he gets upset despite the fact that I do not allow it...) I am also worried that he will hit them if they misbehave. He has a very close relationship with his mother who is a self-centered and abusive person. Until now every contact my children had with their paternal grandmother was under my close supervision where I was able to intervene whenever necessary.

The courts will look it like this:

You decided he was fit to be the father of your children. He is presumed to be a fit parent until proven otherwise.

What are my chances of getting sole custody of my children and supervised visits if I decide to proceed with the divorce?

Sole custody is extremely rare. Dad will - unless there are CPS or other reports of abuse towards the children - most likely get joint legal custody with ample visitation. Nothing you have said so far would justify supervised visitation.

 

[mother1]

I have not seen such behavior in him until after the kids were born. The dynamics at home changed, the attention was taken away from him and he cannot deal with it. I suppose those character traits were present all along but needed some high level of stress to surface. I just don't trust him enough to live him alone with the kids. I don't even go shopping without them.
And to answer your question - no, I don't have any police reports, etc. He verbally abuses me and that's hard to report. The pushing around lives no bruising so nothing to show... Plus that's not the point. I feel that if he went that far he is not going/willing to change so at some point my kids may witness a scene... On the other hand, if we separate then I will have not control of what happens if they are alone with my husband. While they are still little (5 and 3 yrs old) there would be no one to protect them if he should get angry with them... And every child will misbehave now and then...

 

[Proserpina]

The courts will not order supervised visitation based on a "maybe" or a "what if".

I'm sorry - but I really don't know what else to advise. Nothing you have said so far would justify supervised visitation (should you divorce), and joint legal custody (with ample visitation - non supervised) is about the best you can hope for at the moment.

Dad has equal rights to his children.

 

[Duranie]

His rights are equal to yours. He certainly has the right to joint custody if he seeks it. Do you even know what sole custody is going to give you? Not much, he will still likely get unsupervised visits. You cannot control everything here so give up the power struggle. He has not abused the kids so you have no case to get supervised visits. The fact you have been married to him for so long and you cannot really prove any of this is not going to help. How old are the kids?

 

[irishdoc]

Start documenting the situation NOW. I lived with an abusive man for several years thinking things would get better. Finally he strangled me until I was unconscious in front of my child. I left. However, because I had only called the police twice, and despite pictures of my injuries, the courts don't care. My boss, and the sheriff at my work gave depositions as well as my family. Didn't matter. I now am ordered to pay spousal support to my ex husband because he was never convicted of domestic violence. ( apparently in CA you have to be convicted of attempted murder to not have to pay spousal support).
I waited because I didn't want my child to have to watch my ex arrested. It was a mistake. CALL 911 each and everytime there is an episode of domestic abuse. Force the police to make a report. If there are ANY signs of injury, take pictures and go to the ER. Do not be me.
At this point we do our custody exchanges at the police station for my safety. In fact, I wait on the other side of the lobby and he must release her at the door so she has to go from one side of the lobby to the other as the police have had to intervene three times due too him holding my daughter while he screamed at me during custody exchanges.
My judge knows all this. His answer is that he has never abused our child and he has a right to a relationship with her. Do not make the mistake of thinking that the court will save you. The may not even bother to listen or read your declarations. It is all you. Before this gets uglier:
1 Document everything ( abuse, alcohol problems, everything)
2. Make an exit strategy.
3. Start developing a relationship with your local PD
4. Get a safety deposit box, put all this information in it.

You have a right to a happy healthy life. But the judge is not going to give it to you. You have to fight for it. You have the element of suprise. It may be the only weapon you have to get your life back. Use it.