Breaking up with Mother of my son - don't want to lose him :(

[ProudDada]

Good morning,

I am currently living with my (soon to be ex) fiancee and our 8-month-old son. After months of fighting and her giving the ring back several times, she told me today that she'lll be looking for a place tomorrow. This time I'm going to take it seriously so I want to get started right away on making sure that my son's best interests will be at the forefront of this process... and that won't be taken away from his father completely. He's my heart and I'm a good dad.

I do not want sole custody as his mother has it in her to be an awesome parent too and he loves her. But she has some mental issues for which she needs help, I am hoping that, if it comes to this, that the courts can force her to get the help she needs.

How can I help ensure that neither of us will lose the "battle" for our son? I don't want to suggest that she's an unfit parent because she isn't - but I worry that bringing a fair and reasonable case to the table will get me creamed if she gets a lawyer that wants to go for the jugular. And if we're going to wind up in court I would like her to be forced to obtain the help I believe that she needs.

We are both employed and earn similar money (about $20,000 yearly)

Working against me is a recreational marijuana habit that I had until today, when she gave me the news. Working against her are her documented mental problems. I will have no problems with any drug tests as by the time one would be administered there will be no pot left in my system, nor anything else. I have not consumed any other drugs since my son's conception.

If I wind up paying child support, how can I make sure that the money is being used to support my boy? I don't have problems paying it if it's going to his well being. I want him to have everything he needs while he grows up. Including a mom and dad even if they're not in the same house.

I don't want to take him from his mother and I don't want him taken from me... What should I do?

Thanks for your time

 

[Gail_in_Georgia]

The first question folks are likely to ask on this forum is (since the two of you are not married) have you been legally established as this childs father?

Gail

 

[Proserpina]

Do we have any experts on Canadian family law?

 

[irish223]

Do we have any experts on Canadian family law?

Ddub is our 'resident Canadian' I think, but I haven't seen him in a while. I say, go ahead and give him the US version, with the caveat that things may be a bit different in BC, so he needs to consult with an attorney.

 

[Proserpina]

What exactly has she been diagnosed with? Is she receiving treatment? What is it exactly you would like the court to order?

Here's where I see a problem with you citing her mental state as a possible reason to restrict custody. You chose her to be the mother of your child, hence telling the world that you think she's absolutely fit to be a parent. The court will agree with your choice unless you can prove otherwise and this is not easy.

The acceptable standard of parenting is actually very low; as long as the child/ren are not being harmed, abused or neglected it's generally perfectly legal to be a crappy parent.

So it looks like you'll most likely end up with some form of joint custody. Sole custody is rarely ordered either in the US or Canada, and when it is ordered it usually involves exceptional circumstances.

With regards to child support, you cannot force Mom to spend it all on your son. Child support is meant to reimburse the custodial parent for costs incurred raising the child; this means if Mom uses some of it to pay the rent, utilities etc she's allowed to do that.

And as long as your son is housed fed and clothed, if Mom wants to use it for mani/pedis every week she's entitled to do that too.

 

[ProudDada]

The first question folks are likely to ask on this forum is (since the two of you are not married) have you been legally established as this childs father?

Thanks for the response Gail. I am the the boy's paternal and legal father, having signed the docs at his birth.

What exactly has she been diagnosed with? Is she receiving treatment? What is it exactly you would like the court to order?

Here's where I see a problem with you citing her mental state as a possible reason to restrict custody. You chose her to be the mother of your child, hence telling the world that you think she's absolutely fit to be a parent. The court will agree with your choice unless you can prove otherwise and this is not easy.

The acceptable standard of parenting is actually very low; as long as the child/ren are not being harmed, abused or neglected it's generally perfectly legal to be a crappy parent.

You have me mistaken. Under no circumstances do I want her custody to be restricted. She is his mother, and a good one. She's whom I chose to be the boy's mother and she IS his mother. He loves his mother a lot and I have no intention of separating the two.

For her own good and for hers though I would like her to be evaluated based on some patterns of behavior. I am not certain that she is in fact a danger to my son but she can get quite erratic and she has anger management issues (having been in treatment before). It doesn't make her a legally unfit parent. My son will be fed, clothed and clean in her care. But her issues do cause problems in her lives and the lives of people around her. Which would include him.

I have no desire whatsoever to separate mother and son. I just want to know if it's possible for her to have to undergo the evaluation that I feel she needs. If she wants me to see someone too that's fine.

So it looks like you'll most likely end up with some form of joint custody. Sole custody is rarely ordered either in the US or Canada, and when it is ordered it usually involves exceptional circumstances.

I'm glad to hear that

With regards to child support, you cannot force Mom to spend it all on your son. Child support is meant to reimburse the custodial parent for costs incurred raising the child; this means if Mom uses some of it to pay the rent, utilities etc she's allowed to do that.

And as long as your son is housed fed and clothed, if Mom wants to use it for mani/pedis every week she's entitled to do that too.

Excellent, rent and utilities is a fine use of the money, mani's and pedi's too... can't have my son's mother with gross hands and feet. I was just hoping that there would be a way to enforce something more than the bare minumum - not that she's necessarily the type to leave it to that. Just wondering.

We may be able to reconcile but thanks for the input everyone.

 

[Proserpina]

Kudos for having a sense of humour!

(The "gross hands and feet" comment was cute )

Alas no, as long as Mom is providing the bare minimum that's all she's legally obligated to do.

You may be able to request a psych evaluation for both of you. But generally you'd need to have a reason to do so - such as prior hospitalizations etc.

Good luck whatever you decide to do. I do believe you're genuinely looking out for your son here.