I'd bore you all with the specifics of this case but I'm sure they're all irrelevant so I'll just get to the facts. My daughters mother is threatening to limit my visitation with my daughter over some fall out from our relationship. She was caught in the wrong in this case. She claims she wants the baby 5 days per week to my 2 days and I'm not happy with the arrangement. In the 10 months we've been separated we've discussed goals we had for our child and she has yet to hold up her end of the bargain. She's claiming to want "full custody" but he fails to do anything that I feel is in the best interest of her daughter. We have disagreements from choosing a daycare to visitation to how many nights the baby can stay with me. I'm more than willing to be a full time dad but she is so willing to restrict me. I'm in a better position financially to provide for my daughter. I live in a better neighborhood and school district for when she's ready to be enrolled. I have an extra room for the baby so she can have her own space while she lives at home and supports her struggling parents. Am I to believe that the court would still believe that a child should stay with her mother if I'm clearly the more responsible, financially able, and willing parent?
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Attempting to gain custody over 16 month old daughter NYC
- Thread Starter Zchez718
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Proserpina
Moderator
Who has had the most overnights for the past 10 months?
Anytime I've tried to make an opportunity to keep her an extra day by taking a day off or having my family member tend to her the mom threatens to take me the court. She wants to diminish my role for as a parent for no good reason. Everyone sees how much I love and think about my daughter, she's my world.
mightymoose
Moderator
Until there is a court order saying otherwise your daughter can stay with either of you.
The sooner you obtain a custody/visitation order the better.
A court order can be enforced but the arrangements you make between the two of you can not.
If mom restricts time your option is to get a court order that gives you more time. You don't have to send your daughter back just because mom says so, but doing so prevents further chaos.
If you should fail to return your daughter when mom demands her option is to go to court and get the same order that spells out the days and times for visitation.
It sounds like it is way past time to get a visitation order. A lot of times parents don't get one right away because they think they can work it out and save the hassle of court, but that rarely seems to last. The older the child gets the more complications there are.
The sooner you obtain a custody/visitation order the better.
A court order can be enforced but the arrangements you make between the two of you can not.
If mom restricts time your option is to get a court order that gives you more time. You don't have to send your daughter back just because mom says so, but doing so prevents further chaos.
If you should fail to return your daughter when mom demands her option is to go to court and get the same order that spells out the days and times for visitation.
It sounds like it is way past time to get a visitation order. A lot of times parents don't get one right away because they think they can work it out and save the hassle of court, but that rarely seems to last. The older the child gets the more complications there are.
mightymoose
Moderator
I didn't mean to imply that there is an advantage in beating her to court. Either one of you can start the process.
What I meant was that the sooner you have court ordered visitation with specific terms the sooner you can end the dispute. Regardless of what mom wants, what the court orders is what you get. Of course that could backfire too and you can get less than you want, but you haven't said anything here to suggest you wouldn't get reasonable visitation.
You can ask for custody but it seems such young kids are usually given to mom. Your focus should be on obtaining court ordered visitation that you are comfortable with. This way when something goes wrong, when mom gets mad and tries to cut your time off, you can produce a court order and get some help getting your kids.... and mom will get herself in some trouble for not complying with the order.
What I meant was that the sooner you have court ordered visitation with specific terms the sooner you can end the dispute. Regardless of what mom wants, what the court orders is what you get. Of course that could backfire too and you can get less than you want, but you haven't said anything here to suggest you wouldn't get reasonable visitation.
You can ask for custody but it seems such young kids are usually given to mom. Your focus should be on obtaining court ordered visitation that you are comfortable with. This way when something goes wrong, when mom gets mad and tries to cut your time off, you can produce a court order and get some help getting your kids.... and mom will get herself in some trouble for not complying with the order.
What I'm looking for is a 50/50 split in visitation/custody. I've proposed opposite weeks, 4 days - 3 days and vice versa the next week. Are you aware of what the arrangement schedules tend to be? I don't wanna end up in court for six months to end up with every other weekend and holidays ... At that point I'd rather swallow my pride and let mom "win".
mightymoose
Moderator
There is no way to say. Every situation is different.
I do suspect that a child that young will not likely be kept away from mom for so long. As the child gets older it is common to adjust the visitation plan as various circumstances change.
I do suspect that a child that young will not likely be kept away from mom for so long. As the child gets older it is common to adjust the visitation plan as various circumstances change.
Proserpina
Moderator
Please answer the question - it is EXTREMELY important
How many overnights have you had during the past 6 months?
mightymoose
Moderator
It has been more than a month since your first post. Have you set things in motion for a custody/visitation order? If not, do so. It is the first step toward getting any help with this.
Dates have been set for custody/visitation and support hearings. Her stated reasoning for wanting full custody is that she can provide a more stable home because she doesn't live with "strangers". As far as support goes I've been providing for my daughter since her birth and bank records can show that.
army judge
Super Moderator
Bank records are useless. If you gave her money for the child's use, bought diapers, etc... That will be considered gifts.
ONLY MONEY PAID THROUGH THE COURT OR A STATE AGENCY IS CONSIDERED CHILD SUPPORT.
Anything other than described as above is a gift or gifts. I hope what you paid (for your sake) was court ordered and paid as ordered. If it wasn't, it won't count as child support. Yes, they get you coming and going.
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army judge
Super Moderator
Doing the right thing, doesn't mean it's the legal thing, and vice-versa. Nevertheless, the court will consider everything you've given, absent a court order, a gift.
Google "child support laws YOUR STATE ANS COYNTY" and you'll receive many more eye opening, enlightening revelations. Knowledge is power, it's also empowering.
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Financial stability does not trump what is the status quo in visitation nor babies bonding with both parents. If the primary bond is with mother, then its important to work outwards FROM that bond to cultivate a closer bond with your child. If you don't, you'll have a child with attachment issues.
Perhaps, both of you being new parents, your both being nit-picky - I don't know. And perhaps you do need a family law attorney just to get things established. However a tip from long experience...constructive criticism - your first post reeks of blame, superiority, and comparisons of who can "better..." provide, whatever. Don't compare. You can't. Show some respect for mom's concerns or your coparent life will be non-existant, and trust me - having some semblence of a reasonable coparenting relationship is vastly more important than a good attorney. A good attorney you pay, a coparent relationship, you can't pay for, and takes good behavior over many, many years to have and keep.
Suggestion: with mom
What is a goal you can both agree on for child? Perhaps that both parents have a strong and healthy relationship with child? (hopefully). What small step can you both take now to make that happen. One more overnight EOW - some small step. If you and mom can make a successful agreement, even if small, it sets a stage for success and to build on to make further agreements.
Perhaps, both of you being new parents, your both being nit-picky - I don't know. And perhaps you do need a family law attorney just to get things established. However a tip from long experience...constructive criticism - your first post reeks of blame, superiority, and comparisons of who can "better..." provide, whatever. Don't compare. You can't. Show some respect for mom's concerns or your coparent life will be non-existant, and trust me - having some semblence of a reasonable coparenting relationship is vastly more important than a good attorney. A good attorney you pay, a coparent relationship, you can't pay for, and takes good behavior over many, many years to have and keep.
Suggestion: with mom
What is a goal you can both agree on for child? Perhaps that both parents have a strong and healthy relationship with child? (hopefully). What small step can you both take now to make that happen. One more overnight EOW - some small step. If you and mom can make a successful agreement, even if small, it sets a stage for success and to build on to make further agreements.
@Catchall I'm not so sure how my post "reeks of blame, superiority" but I thought the most important thing to decide is who can indeed provide better for the child. My issue is that I have no problem coparenting and allowing for as close to a 50/50 share of our daughter as possible. I in no way shape or form intend on trying to cut mom out of our daughters life. As much as I love my daughter I'm not a woman and wouldn't pretend that I could teach our daughter things that only a mother can. The custody/support/visitation hearings that have been scheduled has only been done because after 17 months of trying to work things out I decided to move on, all the while mom had already moved on. It was a spiteful decision on her part because we had never had any issues with visitation or finances AT ALL until I told her I moved on. I am a willing provider for our daughter and have provided any and everything that she has needed/asked for. I've even paid her rent over 9 months so we could have a place to come home to if/when she decided to work things out. I've tried all types of small steps that can make for a better and fair parenting situation for the both of us but to no avail. I'm not claiming to be the superior parent but also do not want to be made to be the inferior parent, something she is hell bent on trying to do. All I want is to be as influential in my daughters life as her mother is and some how I'm made to be the bad guy. If I'm talking about financial stability, responsibility, and comparing one parent to the other its only because I've been threatened with losing control of my daughter although I've tried to do everything to keep our family together.
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