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Owensmom

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I have an 9 month old son, and his father only comes around if he is cornered to come around. We end up making arrangements for him to take him every other weekend and every thursday overnights. He'll stick to the agreement for his first week of taking him than I won't hear from him for weeks to months.

Were both 20, and unmarried. He's not on the birth certificate, paternity of aknowledgement hasn't been signed, nor has their been any paternity test or legitimation, and I am working on getting child support.

He say's he wants to be involved, but tries to blame it on me as to why he doesn't come around. He says he gets anxiety around me and he doesn't know why. I really don't think that is a legitimate reason to not see your son, but whatever.

LEGALLY would it be ok to just ignore him when he chooses to try and contact me which is very little. I don't want to be accused of custodial interference if later down the line we end up in court. And just for the record this has been repeatedly happening probably over 10 times and is very annoying.
 
Well, since nothing has been signed or filed, technically you're the only legal parent here - and you have the right to ignore Presumed Dad.

Whether or not this can later be used against you honestly depends on how judges tend to rule in your local area - seriously, some go with the "hey Dad, you should've petitioned to get this done properly!" reasoning, and others will frown upon Mom not allowing (even without a court order) visitation.

Go get those court orders. They protect ALL of you!
 
I have an upcoming court date for child support. And through that we can get paternity and legitimation completed. I know that will protect me financially, and the legitimation will protect my son with social security if anything happens to his father. What else would you suggest doing?
 
Owensmom said:
I have an upcoming court date for child support. And through that we can get paternity and legitimation completed. I know that will protect me financially, and the legitimation will protect my son with social security if anything happens to his father. What else would you suggest doing?
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Encouraging Dad is a good thing - and I'd be encouraging him to actually agree to a court-ordered custody and visitation plan (which again protects all of you!). That way whatever happens, you're going to be seen as doing everything you can to facilitate the relationship between Dad and kiddo. Georgie actually requires a parenting plan to be submitted by both parties if custody is in dispute, but it's much simpler if you can both agree to a reasonable plan and then submit it. Judges like cooperating parents ;)

Co-parenting is difficult when one parent isn't as willing to pull their weight, but it's not impossible -
 
when he takes him he takes him to his mothers house because he has had drug issues and has drug users living there with him and I do not want to risk anything with my son. Would I beable to ask for his visitation/custody to be at his mothers house?

And also what if he doesn't comply with the orders? I mean since he doesn't now, and can all this be done through mediation with DHR?
 
You can ask, but unless there is proof that kiddo will be in danger at Dad's place it's unlikely to be actually ordered that visitation must take place at his Mom's house. Of course if Dad agrees, you can both stipulate that.

Visitation orders aren't like child support orders - visitation is a right, not an obligation. If you get a visitation order set up and Dad doesn't follow it you can by all means go back to court do have it modified. As long as you make kiddo available for Dad, you're not going to look bad - but at the same time, Dad not using his visitation won't get him into trouble either.

Call DHR and ask if they do help in these situations.
 
So basically it would still be the same? He would come around only if and when he wanted to and I couldn't ignore him...if he continued to be a dead beat? I think I might just let him take care of custody orders if he so chooses. Which I highly doubt he will. He never persues his son. It's always been me persuing him to get involved. I don't want to put rights into someones hands who I can't trust or depend on with my son. And if he really does want to be involved he could easily do it himself and I would definately be cooperative. Until then I guess.

Thanks so much for your advice
 
Owensmom said:
So basically it would still be the same? He would come around only if and when he wanted to and I couldn't ignore him...if he continued to be a dead beat? I think I might just let him take care of custody orders if he so chooses. Which I highly doubt he will. He never persues his son. It's always been me persuing him to get involved. I don't want to put rights into someones hands who I can't trust or depend on with my son. And if he really does want to be involved he could easily do it himself and I would definately be cooperative. Until then I guess.

Thanks so much for your advice
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In a nutshell, yep - he won't be forced to visit if he can't be bothered/doesn't want to. But I'd still be doing whatever I could (and I've gone through virtually the same situation - and eventually, my ex turned into a really great Dad once he took his head out of his derriere!) to encourage the relationship. Your son does deserve both parents, even if one is less-than-stellar.

And after all, you chose him to be Dad - and I'm not being mean when I say that, just realistic (and that's certainly how the court will view it, too).

And you're welcome!
 
Lol I'm certain he could be a good dad if he chose to be, but right now he's not. So what I'm saying when he chooses that he wants to be we'll still be here. Right now it's like forcing him, and putting me through hell.
 
Owensmom said:
Lol I'm certain he could be a good dad if he chose to be, but right now he's not. So what I'm saying when he chooses that he wants to be we'll still be here. Right now it's like forcing him, and putting me through hell.
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I do feel your pain!

Been there, done that and wore out the t-shirt a few times ;)
 
It really can be a lot for Dads to go through when they have a child out of wedlock and it's there first child. Becoming a new Dad can be a lot to get used to. Not just that but it can be very hard when they're not with the mother. Some Dads also arent the best with new baby's. sometimes they can find it hard to relate to the child or understand what it wants. Some dads just need time to get used to being a father and like Pro said get there heads outta there butts. Just because he's skrewing around now doesn't mean he doesn't care or is a bad dad. There's deffinetly still time for him to come around to his senses. Don't give up hope. It will all work out for the best in the end. Also try not to get too upset about the situation. As pro said you did pick him to be daddy, so unless he did a complete 180 he's probably very much the same guy now as he was then but give him the chance to change. It could be a while but still try to be patient. I would deffinetly say still try to support the relationship.
 
I have to agree with the support posts. A son without a dad isn't ideal and you never want to be the cause of that, even it if takes work. As a mom you shouldn't shy away from any effort that helps your child.

One thing I can tell you on a personal level, if he didn't want to be involved as a dad, and he was only trying to maintain things with you, it would be obvious, and if he isn't trying to be with you, and still making efforts towards being a dad, then he really is interested as most men would cut and run if there wasn't interest.

Sometimes guys seem hard to understand, sometimes women seem hard to understand, but loving a child shouldn't be confusing for either gender. ;)
 
chrisrich said:
I have to agree with the support posts. A son without a dad isn't ideal and you never want to be the cause of that, even it if takes work. As a mom you shouldn't shy away from any effort that helps your child.

One thing I can tell you on a personal level, if he didn't want to be involved as a dad, and he was only trying to maintain things with you, it would be obvious, and if he isn't trying to be with you, and still making efforts towards being a dad, then he really is interested as most men would cut and run if there wasn't interest.

Sometimes guys seem hard to understand, sometimes women seem hard to understand, but loving a child shouldn't be confusing for either gender. ;)
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People should carefully read your post.

It is very pithy and replete with wisdom.
 
Owensmom, I live in Georgia and I do a great deal with paternity and legitimation cases. While a DHR child support action will get the child support issue settled and the paternity issue settled it will not settle the legitimation issue unless he filed for it. A Mother can not force the legitimation of a child. Only the Father can petition the court to legitimate the child. And, until he settles legitimation he has no rights, only responsibilities to the child, so you don't have to let him visit at all. He can't use it against you either.

Hope that helps.
 
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Yea thanks everybody. I definately try to encourage the relationship. I actually me tup with him today. He appologized for everything, but unfortunately the situation will be the same :( In time I guess....
 
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