Advice - Ex got two DUI's in 3 months

[TaylorsDad]

Jurisdiction

Maryland

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Maryland

I will keep this as short as possible, I live in Maryland, I am 35 year old single dad. My daughter is 5 1/2 and since she was 2 1/2 I have had primary custody of her, and tie breaking legal ability. In an agreement that is signed by the judge and on file with the courts.

Her mom lives an hour away in a different county, this year my daughter started Pre-K. My daughter visits her mom every other weekend from Thursday night till Sunday night. Meaning her mom is responsible for two fridays a month of transportation to school. My daughter has missed 5 of her fridays in a row from school, and 8 total this year. Her mom lives at home with her parents at age 36, has three other kids that are not mine, doesn't work or have a job and gives no financial support for my daughter.

Recently I found out her mom has gotten two dui's in a three month span, the reason I filed for primary custody three years ago was because of alcohol issues, and coming home to find her breast feeding my daughter when she was drunk.

I have established my daughter in a stable loving life, with her being in school, playing sports, playing piano and doing other activities all with in my county, in fact all within a few miles of my home (which I own).

A stipulation of the agreement is that her parents (my daughters grandparents) are supposed to supervise the entire visit and be present the whole time. After her first dui I asked that they provide all transportation for my daughter and they agreed, I found out that wasn't happening and they were continuing to let my daughters mom drive, with my daughter in the car. She uses her parents car and received both DUI's in her parents vehicle. After her second dui I went to my lawyer and he said I needed to file for modification and ask for sole custody because my daughter is not safe in that situation. So I did so. However being the dad and hearing nothing but horror stories, I am worried about going to court and somehow her mom getting more time, instead of less time. The courts seem to be very reactive not proactive, but I was proactive and have withheld my daughter for her last weekend visit, until court. Her mom continues to drive (I've seen her driving her parents car) after her second dui, so I am guessing she is driving around on a suspended license? Or at least I'd hope it would be suspended after two dui's in three months.

My question is, am I doing the right thing? After showing texts and the background to a therapist she is convinced my ex is an alcoholic and has other major mental issues.

I am terrified that 1) this will backfire and I will lose time with my daughter or worse lose custody of her 2) I am scared that I work my butt off for my daughter, that I will lose her and have to pay her mom money 3) as much as I think this is the safest option for my daughter, I feel nothing but guilt that she doesn't get to see her mom right now, but it's not safe for her to go there.


I know this is a jumbled mess but I am just overwhelmed with anxiety right now.

 

[leslie82]

What is the name of your state (only U.S. law)? Maryland

I will keep this as short as possible, I live in Maryland, I am 35 year old single dad. My daughter is 5 1/2 and since she was 2 1/2 I have had primary custody of her, and tie breaking legal ability. In an agreement that is signed by the judge and on file with the courts.

Her mom lives an hour away in a different county, this year my daughter started Pre-K. My daughter visits her mom every other weekend from Thursday night till Sunday night. Meaning her mom is responsible for two fridays a month of transportation to school. My daughter has missed 5 of her fridays in a row from school, and 8 total this year. Her mom lives at home with her parents at age 36, has three other kids that are not mine, doesn't work or have a job and gives no financial support for my daughter.

Recently I found out her mom has gotten two dui's in a three month span, the reason I filed for primary custody three years ago was because of alcohol issues, and coming home to find her breast feeding my daughter when she was drunk.

I have established my daughter in a stable loving life, with her being in school, playing sports, playing piano and doing other activities all with in my county, in fact all within a few miles of my home (which I own).

A stipulation of the agreement is that her parents (my daughters grandparents) are supposed to supervise the entire visit and be present the whole time. After her first dui I asked that they provide all transportation for my daughter and they agreed, I found out that wasn't happening and they were continuing to let my daughters mom drive, with my daughter in the car. She uses her parents car and received both DUI's in her parents vehicle. After her second dui I went to my lawyer and he said I needed to file for modification and ask for sole custody because my daughter is not safe in that situation. So I did so. However being the dad and hearing nothing but horror stories, I am worried about going to court and somehow her mom getting more time, instead of less time. The courts seem to be very reactive not proactive, but I was proactive and have withheld my daughter for her last weekend visit, until court. Her mom continues to drive (I've seen her driving her parents car) after her second dui, so I am guessing she is driving around on a suspended license? Or at least I'd hope it would be suspended after two dui's in three months.

My question is, am I doing the right thing? After showing texts and the background to a therapist she is convinced my ex is an alcoholic and has other major mental issues.

I am terrified that 1) this will backfire and I will lose time with my daughter or worse lose custody of her 2) I am scared that I work my butt off for my daughter, that I will lose her and have to pay her mom money 3) as much as I think this is the safest option for my daughter, I feel nothing but guilt that she doesn't get to see her mom right now, but it's not safe for her to go there.


I know this is a jumbled mess but I am just overwhelmed with anxiety right now.

Until the court changes her visitation, you have to let her have the kid on her ordered times. If she wanted to be a bitch she could take you to court for contempt if you don't let her have the kid when she's supposed to.

If she has two DUIs she has a suspended license. I would be surprised to find a state who didn't suspend a license after the first one.

There is a very low threshold for someone to be a parent and the court will give her chance after chance to be a mom. No matter how much she screws up. I very highly doubt that the court would give mom more time in this case though or even custody.

You need to consult with a lawyer who could better give you advice on a strategy for this. However you using a therapist who has not personally diagnosed her isn't going to help. I'm sure she is an alcoholic. She sounds completely irresponsible. But the fact your daughter wasn't in the car when she got the DUIs probably wouldn't be able to use that as she's a danger.

You could go back to court and ask for her to attend counseling or treatment and ask for supervised visits. But if she's been a regular part of her life I'm not sure if you'll get that. It also doesn't matter that she's 36 and lives with her parents with her other children.

I would be surprised for a judge to give her custody at this point if you went in there asking for sole custody.

 

[TaylorsDad]

Until the court changes her visitation, you have to let her have the kid on her ordered times. If she wanted to be a bitch she could take you to court for contempt if you don't let her have the kid when she's supposed to.

If she has two DUIs she has a suspended license. I would be surprised to find a state who didn't suspend a license after the first one.

There is a very low threshold for someone to be a parent and the court will give her chance after chance to be a mom. No matter how much she screws up. I very highly doubt that the court would give mom more time in this case though or even custody.

You need to consult with a lawyer who could better give you advice on a strategy for this. However you using a therapist who has not personally diagnosed her isn't going to help. I'm sure she is an alcoholic. She sounds completely irresponsible. But the fact your daughter wasn't in the car when she got the DUIs probably wouldn't be able to use that as she's a danger.

You could go back to court and ask for her to attend counseling or treatment and ask for supervised visits. But if she's been a regular part of her life I'm not sure if you'll get that. It also doesn't matter that she's 36 and lives with her parents with her other children.

I would be surprised for a judge to give her custody at this point if you went in there asking for sole custody.

Thanks for the quick reply!

I do have a lawyer, I am just seeking other's experience or advice as well.

I filed for modification on my lawyer's advice, he is the one who told me I need to withhold my daughter on her weekends. That was scary to me but he said I have to show I think she is in a dangerous situation. I have withheld for one weekend already and this weekend coming up is the next, it's nerve wracking and scary.

He said since her parents are supposed to supervise the visits, and continue to let her use her car even though she has had two dui's, and probably a suspended license shows they are not supervising correctly and could put my daughter in danger and I would never forgive myself if my daughter was injured or worse.

They haven't scheduled the court date yet, because even though she is home she won't answer the door to get served the papers. She did file contempt against, but I'm being told again I did it out of safety reasons.

I am a very positive person in life, but when it comes to custody of my daughter and her being put in a bad position I get anixious, negative and over think things. Just trying to get as much advice and thought process as I can.

 

[leslie82]

Thanks for the quick reply!

I do have a lawyer, I am just seeking other's experience or advice as well.

I filed for modification on my lawyer's advice, he is the one who told me I need to withhold my daughter on her weekends. That was scary to me but he said I have to show I think she is in a dangerous situation. I have withheld for one weekend already and this weekend coming up is the next, it's nerve wracking and scary.

He said since her parents are supposed to supervise the visits, and continue to let her use her car even though she has had two dui's, and probably a suspended license shows they are not supervising correctly and could put my daughter in danger and I would never forgive myself if my daughter was injured or worse.

They haven't scheduled the court date yet, because even though she is home she won't answer the door to get served the papers. She did file contempt against, but I'm being told again I did it out of safety reasons.

I am a very positive person in life, but when it comes to custody of my daughter and her being put in a bad position I get anixious, negative and over think things. Just trying to get as much advice and thought process as I can.

I still wouldn't have withheld her even if the lawyer said to do it. If you see her driving around in a car why don't you just call it in?

If she doesn't get a lawyer you'll be good but if she shows up with one, her lawyer could argue those things as well. Which that's up to both lawyers to do. I understand why you aren't letting her go there. I'm just saying be careful that it could bite you in the ass possibly in getting her makeup time.

Eventually there will be a court date. You guys can argue it in court. I think you should figure out something else to allow her the visitation even if you supervise it so that you can say you allowed her the time. If she refuses then at least you can tell the judge you tried.

 

[TaylorsDad]

I still wouldn't have withheld her even if the lawyer said to do it. If you see her driving around in a car why don't you just call it in?

If she doesn't get a lawyer you'll be good but if she shows up with one, her lawyer could argue those things as well. Which that's up to both lawyers to do. I understand why you aren't letting her go there. I'm just saying be careful that it could bite you in the ass possibly in getting her makeup time.

Eventually there will be a court date. You guys can argue it in court. I think you should figure out something else to allow her the visitation even if you supervise it so that you can say you allowed her the time. If she refuses then at least you can tell the judge you tried.

Thanks for your advice, I did offer exactly what you said, visitation with me supervising, I said name the date and place and I will have her there.

I didn't know I could simply call in for someone suspected of driving on a suspended license. If I see it again I will do that.

 

[leslie82]

Thanks for your advice, I did offer exactly what you said, visitation with me supervising, I said name the date and place and I will have her there.

I didn't know I could simply call in for someone suspected of driving on a suspended license. If I see it again I will do that.

That's how my ex said he got like three of his DUIs. He said one of them he was driving on the highway and turned on the light to look for a CD or something and he had a beer in his hand and someone drove by and called him in. I think the last one his first wife called him in because he didn't come home when he said he would. When he got there the cops were waiting for him. I'm not sure what happened with the other two but he told me that all four he got called in by someone. Not that it makes it any better but finding logic with alcoholics and drug addicts is near impossible.

But you can call someone in if they are driving erratically or at least say they are. They don't have to have a suspended license. But if she has two DUIs she has to have a suspended license. Maryland can't be much different than every other state with DUIs. In my state the first DUI you get your license suspended for six months.

 

[TaylorsDad]

That's how my ex said he got like three of his DUIs. He said one of them he was driving on the highway and turned on the light to look for a CD or something and he had a beer in his hand and someone drove by and called him in. I think the last one his first wife called him in because he didn't come home when he said he would. When he got there the cops were waiting for him. I'm not sure what happened with the other two but he told me that all four he got called in by someone. Not that it makes it any better but finding logic with alcoholics and drug addicts is near impossible.

But you can call someone in if they are driving erratically or at least say they are. They don't have to have a suspended license. But if she has two DUIs she has to have a suspended license. Maryland can't be much different than every other state with DUIs. In my state the first DUI you get your license suspended for six months.

She hasn't been to court for either DUI yet is the thing I am questioning. Like do they instantly suspend your license or are you innocent until proven guilty? There isn't really anything to argue for a DUI, either you are drunk or you are not. I get arguing the guilt of the reason she was pulled over in the first place, saying she wasn't speeding or her tailight wasn't out, or whatever the reason but at the end of the day you are either drunk or not behind the wheel.

Her father is a retired cop twice from two different units. I can't believe he still just gives her the car at will.

 

[leslie82]

She hasn't been to court for either DUI yet is the thing I am questioning. Like do they instantly suspend your license or are you innocent until proven guilty? There isn't really anything to argue for a DUI, either you are drunk or you are not. I get arguing the guilt of the reason she was pulled over in the first place, saying she wasn't speeding or her tailight wasn't out, or whatever the reason but at the end of the day you are either drunk or not behind the wheel.

Her father is a retired cop twice from two different units. I can't believe he still just gives her the car at will.

Oh well then I guess she hasn't gotten it suspended just yet then. Of course you're innocent until proven guilty with every charge.

You'd be surprised - any charge can be argued and dropped if you have the right lawyer or know the law.

If she hasn't actually been to court for those two charges yet then she most likely still has her license. So you can't really use that against her since she hasn't actually been found guilty of those DUIs.

It doesn't matter what she does about her DUIs. That's not your problem. It's hers. And the fact she has not been convicted of those DUIs and you keeping your daughter because of them might not help you very much. She could very well get out of them. Who knows?

Some parents are blind when it comes to their children regardless of what their career may have been.

 

[TaylorsDad]

Oh well then I guess she hasn't gotten it suspended just yet then. Of course you're innocent until proven guilty with every charge.

You'd be surprised - any charge can be argued and dropped if you have the right lawyer or know the law.

If she hasn't actually been to court for those two charges yet then she most likely still has her license. So you can't really use that against her since she hasn't actually been found guilty of those DUIs.

It doesn't matter what she does about her DUIs. That's not your problem. It's hers. And the fact she has not been convicted of those DUIs and you keeping your daughter because of them might not help you very much. She could very well get out of them. Who knows?

Some parents are blind when it comes to their children regardless of what their career may have been.

I totally get what you are saying, but I also am hearing what my lawyer is saying, that's why it's so hard for me. I want to do what's right for my daughter but also put her safety first.

She is a known alchololic with or with out the DUI's, am I supposed to be reactive and let my daughter get injured and then fight her or proactive and make sure she is safe. That's the ethical question I can't stop thinking about.

 

[leslie82]

I totally get what you are saying, but I also am hearing what my lawyer is saying, that's why it's so hard for me. I want to do what's right for my daughter but also put her safety first.

She is a known alchololic with or with out the DUI's, am I supposed to be reactive and let my daughter get injured and then fight her or proactive and make sure she is safe. That's the ethical question I can't stop thinking about.

I guess do what your lawyer says. That's on you. My situation is different. I have sole custody but parenting time is at my discretion. So when my meth addict ex is using and I know for a fact he's using, I don't let him see her. I haven't left our daughter alone with him since Father's Day weekend 2015 right after I filed. The only reason I did that he was living with his dad and he had two of his other kids. But she also has medical problems and he couldn't even keep track of her intake and output for me. Luckily she got her meds. But her situation is a bit more serious now so I will absolutely not let him have her for weekends because I know he can't handle everything that has to be done for her. And he's not in his own place since he got out of rehab (again) and not even sure who he actually lives with right now. I got lucky because his meth addiction was more important than showing up to court for the divorce or taking the online parenting class. In fact the very first court date five minutes before court he texted me asking me for money...so yeah. I get it. I get where you're coming from. I just know when there's an actual visitation order in place things can get dicey.

 

[TaylorsDad]

I guess do what your lawyer says. That's on you. My situation is different. I have sole custody but parenting time is at my discretion. So when my meth addict ex is using and I know for a fact he's using, I don't let him see her. I haven't left our daughter alone with him since Father's Day weekend 2015 right after I filed. The only reason I did that he was living with his dad and he had two of his other kids. But she also has medical problems and he couldn't even keep track of her intake and output for me. Luckily she got her meds. But her situation is a bit more serious now so I will absolutely not let him have her for weekends because I know he can't handle everything that has to be done for her. And he's not in his own place since he got out of rehab (again) and not even sure who he actually lives with right now. I got lucky because his meth addiction was more important than showing up to court for the divorce or taking the online parenting class. In fact the very first court date five minutes before court he texted me asking me for money...so yeah. I get it. I get where you're coming from. I just know when there's an actual visitation order in place things can get dicey.

Im sorry to hear what you have been through, sounds like your daughter is safe, stable and happy and that's whats important.

I hate this, in my head it's a no brainer for a judge but in court who knows how a judge will react to a crying woman, telling lies, over a bigger intimidating guy telling the truth. It's a shitty situation for everyone, most importantly my daughter.

 

[leslie82]

Im sorry to hear what you have been through, sounds like your daughter is safe, stable and happy and that's whats important.

I hate this, in my head it's a no brainer for a judge but in court who knows how a judge will react to a crying woman, telling lies, over a bigger intimidating guy telling the truth. It's a shitty situation for everyone, most importantly my daughter.

I highly doubt you'll lose any custody nor will she get more visitation time. She MIGHT get make up time. Might. But if she comes in there with no lawyer and you have one, I don't think she'll get anything. You'll probably come out on top. But you won't know until you get there.

I would keep offering her to meet somewhere so she can see her daughter and if she says no that's her problem.

 

[TaylorsDad]

I highly doubt you'll lose any custody nor will she get more visitation time. She MIGHT get make up time. Might. But if she comes in there with no lawyer and you have one, I don't think she'll get anything. You'll probably come out on top. But you won't know until you get there.

I would keep offering her to meet somewhere so she can see her daughter and if she says no that's her problem.

Thanks, sorry for venting, just scary

 

[mightymoose]

You are apparently are nott required to release your daughter to the grandparents. That was just an agreement you made outside of court for transportation. It is not enforceable.
Your responsibility is to have your daughter ready at the correct time and place for visitation. If mom does not show up, take your daughter home. If mom shows up driving a vehicle, call the police.

Police usually confiscate a driver's license and issue a suspension notice at the time of arrest, but privileges can be reinstated pending trial. It is extremely unlikely privileges would be reinstated after a 2nd dui. From what you describe, she is most likely driving illegally. You have a legitimate concern. If you call police when mom shows up driving a car they will check her status.

 

[adjusterjack]

She hasn't been to court for either DUI

You didn't mention that on the other site where I told you the penalties.

do they instantly suspend your license

Only if she refuses the breath or blood tests. Otherwise, yes, she's innocent until proven guilty.

are either drunk or not behind the wheel.

That sentence makes no sense considering how many drunks drive at any given moment.

I want to do what's right for my daughter but also put her safety first.

That's fine and you are free to do what you think you have to do. Just understand that there could be consequences if you violate an existing court order.

She is a known alchololic

Known to who? Known to anybody (besides you) who can go to court and testify professionally about her alcoholism. Remember what I said on the other site. Courts want "evidence" not unsubstantiated allegations.

in court who knows how a judge will react to a crying woman, telling lies, over a bigger intimidating guy telling the truth.

Exactly.

Talk to your lawyer about how to provide evidence in court.

 

[TaylorsDad]

You didn't mention that on the other site where I told you the penalties.



Only if she refuses the breath or blood tests. Otherwise, yes, she's innocent until proven guilty.



That sentence makes no sense considering how many drunks drive at any given moment.



That's fine and you are free to do what you think you have to do. Just understand that there could be consequences if you violate an existing court order.



Known to who? Known to anybody (besides you) who can go to court and testify professionally about her alcoholism. Remember what I said on the other site. Courts want "evidence" not unsubstantiated allegations.



Exactly.

Talk to your lawyer about how to provide evidence in court.

Thanks for all your responses, even the ones I don't like to hear help.

As far as she being a known alcoholic, I have texts dating back 5 years through current from her parents about doing interventions, getting her help, sending her away to rehab etc. All things they never followed up on but things they said personally to me and I have in text form or through emails. I also have her dad texting me that one time she drank so much, while home alone with her older son (who was 2 at the time), that she passed out and was taken to hospital where she was not conscious for 24 hours.

 

[leslie82]

Thanks for all your responses, even the ones I don't like to hear help.

As far as she being a known alcoholic, I have texts dating back 5 years through current from her parents about doing interventions, getting her help, sending her away to rehab etc. All things they never followed up on but things they said personally to me and I have in text form or through emails. I also have her dad texting me that one time she drank so much, while home alone with her older son (who was 2 at the time), that she passed out and was taken to hospital where she was not conscious for 24 hours.

That still doesn't verify she's an alcoholic. Are there any people from the rehab centers who can testify that she's an alcoholic? Any medical professionals? A counselor? Anyone with expertise in addiction that can say "Yes she's an alcoholic." Texts from her parents really aren't going to do much.

 

[ElleMD]

The likelihood of her getting full custody are slim to none unless there is a whole lot you left out. Follow your attorney's advice. In general it is best to always follow the court order to the letter unless there is imminent danger (like she shows up actually drunk), and file for an emergency modification hearing.There are exceptions and I will trust that your attorney, who has far more information than we do, knows what he is doing. Some courts/judges in Maryland are far more lenient on certain things.

Finding out the status of her license and her DUI cases is public record. For the DUI cases, you can access the info online via the Maryland Judiciary Case Search.

You can read more on suspended licenses here Alcohol Test Failure or Refusal

In general, MD is hesitant to revoke someone's parenting rights even if they can not drive or have broken the law. If mom lives with the grandparents and they are willing to supervise the visitation, be prepared for that to be good enough to satisfy any safety concerns, especially if the incidents of alcohol use have been when the child was not with her. Again, your attorney has more details than we do, but it is not easy to get visitation revoked.