4boymom and not sure what to do?

[4boymom]

I dated my husband for 4 years and have been married for 16. We have 4 beautiful boys. Over the years I have com to realize that the man I thought I married was not one in the same. We have son's ages 15-7. Two of the boys has allergies pretty bag and 1 has asthma, one has autism, my eldest just had 5 biopsies done this fall after I realized we had a mold issue. The whole time my husband denied there was a problem and refused to help me get to the bottom of why we were always sick. I stayed home on and off to take care of the children while he climbed the ladder. Over the years he has done things that have surprised me and questioned our married goals. I found he had stolen small items, then with drew money out of stock and didn't pay taxes. All the while I was working 3pm-3am bartending shifts to be able to still be a other in the day. He was out of work and bartending was easy to do while they were sleeping. The things that troubled me were when the neighbors would call and ask if I was home knowing I was at work. He would leave in the middle of the night with small toddlers in the house while I was working! When I would catch him a lie he blows up and i end up getting the brunt of it. I stayed all these years because i kept thinking no one is going to want to deal with a mother of 4 boys. Since my 15yr old was two yrs old my husband would blow up after a bad review, take it out on me and leave me for weeks. It has gotten so bad I have called the police in the middle of the night and filed a protective order, emergency funding, etc. However, after 3 months he begged to come back and promised and I was the idiot who took him back. That was right around the time I found our another lie. I was putting his socks away after a funeral and found that he had to do community service for shoplifting 6 months earlier. I confronted him he said i deserved it and that is how it goes. The problem is that it is destroying my son's. Everytime he leaves so carelessly and never knowing if we are going to be homeless. He works for a government job as a contractor and has said that if i file he would lose his job and there goes the little money we have to pay for all our ailments. He replaced the dryer a few years back and it had been venting into the wall cavity, went air borne, and then well everywhere. July 25 my 14yr old at the time woke up with a mass the size of a grapefruit in his neck. Round after round of antibiotic, second and third opinions, as well as cat scans, fine needle biopsy started all of this. Two weeks later my autistic son grew a granguloma chalezian cyst. Multiple Children's Hospital appointments after a dozen pediatrician appts with the advice of warm compresses. It is now March 2009 and we are still doing warm compresses. He did a couple 10 day course of antibiotics. The middle boys ended up have a number of allergies and asthma. The one allergy my eldest son has is to mold. Mine is dust. So, after realizing our now 9yr old has high functioning level of autism since last February my husband has left. When I was taking the boys to doctors appointments he said I was over reacting. When I hired a certified mold inspector (who worked for the extreme make over team) and he told him we had mold he still didn't believe it. When I hired an industrial environmental hygienist as well as a mold re mediator he was and still is in complete denial. It goes on and on about the surgery recovery at a local hotel, the crack in the foundation and the insurance covering none of it. Hubby would not help. It was unbelievable how bad life had gotten and he just tuned us all out. So now after we faked Thanksgiving and Christmas and two birthday parties I found more lies and we got into it. He threatened to call the police and actually called my mistake. they came and put the cuffs on him for the first time. He left that night and trys to come back to get things but not much. Here is my long long long story explaining why I haven't filed a protective order or emergency fundings or full custody because he has all the acct passwords, web site addresss and live for messing with me. I have since been told by my son's pediatric neurologist that my husband clearly has Aspergers Syndrome. He refuses to think anything is wrong with him but just can't do this anyone. So he has been gone since Feb 6th and I don't know what to do? I worry if I do file the protective order he will get fired or a bad review, If I just file for divorce what is the best way to make sure the kids are covered financially. He emptied his 401K earlier this year and didn't tell me, says we have no stock and says he needs nothing from our home. I am trying to finish the mortgage worksheet and the hardship letter to attempt to save our home. He won't help. We are still supposed to file our taxes and he won't help with that either. Given the massive amount of money I had to spend to get us back into clean air we should be able to get something back. I know we will get audited but from all the certified mold, allergist, doctors back that all the money we spend was medically necessary. We have lived so pay check to pay check and after 3 years of back pain from a car accident that broke the axial of my old suburban in half as well as tear up my back. The settlement check came in and immediately went back out into attempting to re mediate our lives from mold. So between the mold, the abuse, the abandonment, the constructive (sexual with holding for months) desertion what should I do? How do I until this marriage without hurting my kids forever? I love my husband, but love my boys more. Trying to figure out adult Aspergers, 4 boys with special needs and 2 large yellow labs as well as learning how to do all the finances for our home has been a real challenge.