100 Hilarious Jokes, Because No One Is Too Old to Laugh!

One time these two cowboys rode up and spotted an American Indian, in the middle of the prairie. "looks like he's got his ear to the ground," says the first one. "Hang on," says the other. "He's listening." So the two got down, left their horses, and crept closer, as quiet as they could. When they reached him the Indian whispered, "Two day ago... a family on the Oregon trail... man, woman, two little kids, three horses, two oxen, three cows, a dog, a cat, and even a duck… came this way." The second cowboy brightened and said "hot dog, that's some real talent right there… To be able to tell all that from just reading the ground!" "yes sir!" nodded the first cowboy. "I didn't read the ground you dummy! They ran me over!!" wailed the Indian.
 
This cracked me up.

A neighborhood kid was looking for ways to earn money. He knocked on the door of one house, and when the man answered the boy asked, "Hey mister, got any odd jobs I can do?" The man indeed had a job for the boy to do. He handed the boy a can of red paint and a brush. "Paint my porch." The boy was eager to do a good job and the man went back inside. A couple hours later, the boy knocked on the door again. "Okay, mister, I'm done painting. But I gotta tell ya, that's not a Porsche, it's a Lamborghini."
 
adjusterjack said:
This cracked me up.

A neighborhood kid was looking for ways to earn money. He knocked on the door of one house, and when the man answered the boy asked, "Hey mister, got any odd jobs I can do?" The man indeed had a job for the boy to do. He handed the boy a can of red paint and a brush. "Paint my porch." The boy was eager to do a good job and the man went back inside. A couple hours later, the boy knocked on the door again. "Okay, mister, I'm done painting. But I gotta tell ya, that's not a Porsche, it's a Lamborghini."
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I think that kid isn't going to get paid for that job, even though red is a smashing color for a Lamborghini. :D
 
Dogs can't use an MRI machine. Cats can.

What do you do when you are addicted to seaweed? See kelp.

What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.

How do you take a band-aid off a frog? Just ribbit.

A potato got rich and famous posting videos. He's a YouTuber.

I bought a dog from a blacksmith. As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for years? Church.

Why doesn't Istanbul have a king? They can't stand a noble.

What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
 
I have little interest in movies or movie theaters these days.

What gets churned out these days isn't as interesting as my westerns from the 1960s, as in Gunsmoke, The Virginian, The Lawman, Tombstone Territory, Roy Rogers, The Lone Ranger, Laramie, Tales of Wells Fargo, or Bat Masterson.

Movies are more enjoyable in my home theater, plus my homemade popcorn is better than the theater junk.

To each his/her own.
 
Some most wonderfully excellent Westerns from this century:

Unforgiven
3:10 to Yuma
Magnificent 7
Quick and the Dead
Wyatt Erp


And from 1970

3 Mules for Sister Sarah
Loved this movie! Shirley MacLaine and Clint Eastwood.
 
adjusterjack said:
The remakes were nowhere near as good as the originals.

3:10 to Yuma - 1957 - Glenn Ford and Van Heflin - Theme sung by Frankie Laine.

Magnificent 7 - 1960 - Yul Brynner, Steve McQueen, Eli Wallach, Charles Bronson, Robert Vaughn, James Coburn, Horst Bucholz, Brad Dexter.

PS. Blue, who is Wyatt Erp? LOL.
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Oops! Forgot the "a", and the dyslexia jumped in to prevent me from noticing. Earp.

Damn that dyslexia.

BTW: I would really like to evict dyslexia from my brain... should I post that on the LL/Tenant forum? :P
 
This will cheer you up:

A westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.

No other humans had been seen for days, when finally they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?

"Vell," the old man said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.

"So why did he say not to go there?" some of the pioneers asked.

"Oh, you know those Jewish people -- they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who barely manages to escape back to the old man, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."

The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree! There was hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."

The old man holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an old English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree.

It vuz a ham bush!"
 
adjusterjack said:
This will cheer you up:

A westbound wagon train was lost and low on food.

No other humans had been seen for days, when finally they saw an old Jewish man sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?

"Vell," the old man said, "I vouldn't go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you'll run into a big bacon tree."

"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon train leader.

"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."

The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.

"So why did he say not to go there?" some of the pioneers asked.

"Oh, you know those Jewish people -- they don't eat bacon."

So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who barely manages to escape back to the old man, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."

The near-dead man starts shouting, "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree! There was hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."

The old man holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an old English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree.

It vuz a ham bush!"
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You're right. It did cheer me up! ;) Very funny!
 
There's a forum on Reddit where those who have dyslexia tell jokes.

Here are some:

The agnostic dyslexic doesn't know if he believes in Dog.

The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

A dyslexic woman went to the YMCA thinking it was Macys.

A dyslexic father has a son who uses a lot of cusswords so he washed his son's mouth out with soup.
 
adjusterjack said:
There's a forum on Reddit where those who have dyslexia tell jokes.

Here are some:

The agnostic dyslexic doesn't know if he believes in Dog.

The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to Santa.

A dyslexic woman went to the YMCA thinking it was Macys.

A dyslexic father has a son who uses a lot of cusswords so he washed his son's mouth out with soup.
Click to expand...
One thing I've noticed over the decades is that most, not all but most, dyslexics that I've met have a great ability to joke about their neurodivergence. :)
 

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