100 Hilarious Jokes, Because No One Is Too Old to Laugh!

The chief commissioner gathers the three remaining candidates and presents them with the final test. They must look at a suspect's mugshot for just a few seconds and then explain how they would recognize that suspect in a crowd.

The first candidate comes in, the commissioner shows him the photo, and after a moment, he says, "It's easy! The suspect has only one ear and one eye, so he's easy to spot." The commissioner replies, "Are you stupid? That's a side photo! Get out of here right now!"

The second candidate comes in, sees the photo, and after a few seconds says, "It's easy! The suspect has only one ear and one eye, so he's easily distinguishable in a crowd." The commissioner gets angry again and says, "You're an idiot too! Get out of here!"

The third candidate enters, and the commissioner warns him, "Be careful, because the others were really unqualified." He shows the photo to the third candidate, who thinks for a moment and then says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The commissioner is amazed because he doesn't even remember if the suspect actually wore contact lenses, so he goes to check the records. He confirms that it's true, and then he returns to the candidate and says, "Congratulations, you've become a detective! But I have to ask, how did you know that he wore contact lenses?"

The candidate replies, "Well, with only one ear and one eye, it's hard to wear glasses!"
 
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bar keep says "you're in here pretty often, do you think you're an alcoholic?" The horse replies "no I don't think I am..." and vanishes out of existence.


The joke involves Descartes' famous quip "I think therefore I am" but to explain that at the beginning of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.
 
A man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
 
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you.'" Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot. "Yep!", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'" The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "I'm Moses.." replied the bird. '"Moses?'" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The same kind of people that would name their pit bull Jesus."
 
A phone call to the veterinarian:

"My mother-in-law will be coming to you soon with her old female dog. Unfortunately, it looks like she will have to be put down due to very poor health conditions in recent days. Can you do something that she doesn't suffer, and dies peacefully?"

Veterinarian: "And will the dog find the way back home on its own?"
 

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