Residential parent wants to force teen to live with me due to misbehavior

[Tired Mother]

Jurisdiction

Virginia

Hi, I was wondering what the rules are if a primary residential parent decides they don't like a teens behavior. For context, my daughter when 14 decided to go live with him in NC (I live in VA) because he was the "fun" parent. I was against this and voiced this, but her father threatened to fight me in court to have her live there. I did not want to drag my daughter through this so I gave in. We have a court order in VA stating we have shared custody with him being the primary residential custodian. Fast forward to today, she is 17 and starting to have some misbehavior. Specifically, they don't like the friends she has chosen so they have forbidden her to have them over or for her to leave the house with anyone. She of course did not like being told this after years of open reign they have given her and started being rude and disrespectful to them. To be fair, this is a learned behavior of how she is spoken to there, with her dad not being able to have a decent conversation just yelling and leaving the room/hanging up a phone call when he is not pleased with how it is going.
Now she is in trouble, she wrecked her car from going too fast around a turn and had 3 friends in her car. She had a provisional license so I am suspecting she will have that taken away from her on her court date. She won't be driving before then because her car is totaled. Over the course of the weekend they found vapes, a bottle of alcohol and some CBD items in her room. Now that things have become difficult, as things do often raising a teenager, her father stated to me that after this last 2 weeks of school he will be dropping her off at my house whether I like it or not and she will be staying here "at least" through the summer. I state it like this because those were his exact words, that I had no choice in the matter she would be coming here. Now, I have never minded my daughter being here, I never wanted her to leave in the first place. However, she does not want to stay here, she likes her school down there with one year until graduating. Since moving out she no longer has a bedroom here, when she moved with permanent intentions I gave her room to one of her younger sisters that was having to share a room.
So my question is, can he in fact just drop her off here and force her to stay here with the court order stating she lives with him or will this be considered child abandonment? Of course I would not turn her away, but I would have to arrange for her to stay at my mother's house so that she would have a place to sleep other than being made to sleep on a couch for the entire summer or possibly ongoing. It would require going back to court to have all of the custody terms reversed so that I could enroll her here for her last year of school and I am unsure as to whether the college courses she has taken down there would even amount to any use here in VA.

 

[adjusterjack]

can he in fact just drop her off here

Of course he CAN. CAN denotes the ability to do something not whether it's done right or wrong. If it's wrong you seek a remedy in the appropriate manner.

force her to stay here

Force?

Unless he puts a gun to somebody's head there is no "force" involved.

What happens when he drops her off is up to you. Will you deny her entry? Or somehow try to handle it without resulting in your daughter living on the streets?

with the court order stating she lives with him

Divorced people disobey court orders all the time. The remedy is to go back to court. Or just deal with it somehow.

Of course I would not turn her away, but I would have to arrange for her to stay at my mother's house so that she would have a place to sleep other than being made to sleep on a couch for the entire summer or possibly ongoing.

See, you do have options.

It would require going back to court to have all of the custody terms reversed so that I could enroll her here for her last year of school and I am unsure as to whether the college courses she has taken down there would even amount to any use here in VA.

You're getting ahead of yourself. Nothing has happened yet.

But when it does I suggest that a court battle with your ex is not the solution.

If and when your daughter lands on your doorstep be prepared to handle her mental health and
behavioral issues.

Since drugs are apparently already involved you would be wise to get some counselling from Al-Anon. Otherwise you may end up losing her.

Experience talking.

 

[stealthy1]

Okay. When your daughter moved to her Dad's and you "gave away" her room, where did she sleep when she came to stay with you? She has certainly stayed with you over the past three years, yes?

At this point, if I were in your shoes, it would be time for a serious sit-down with your daughter (ideally with Dad as well, but I suspect that's not likely) and discuss how things need to be - I'd suggest picking your battles wisely. Will she stay with you or Grandma? What are the rules (and at 17? I'd suggest including her in at least discussing those rules and consequences for not following them. As well as explaining your reasoning for those rules.)?

Frankly, you are now reaping what you sowed when you chose not to fight her moving. It's rarely wise to give a child the choice you/Dad did.

 

[army judge]

It's rarely wise to give a child the choice you/Dad did.

 

[stealthy1]

Didn't want to quote @army judge 's graphic, but.....

I remember my kids coming back from spending time with Dad (maybe 7 & 9yo?) and telling me "Dad said we could decide to live with him when we turn 12." Aaargh. My reply? "Well, it's not actually something you get to decide. But, if that's something you decide you want to do, you, me, and Dad will need to sit down and discuss your reasons why. I won't agree to be your friend, but I won't say no to be mean to Dad. But if we can't agree? We may need to ask a judge to help us decide what's best for you. Never happened.