100 Hilarious Jokes, Because No One Is Too Old to Laugh!

The chief commissioner gathers the three remaining candidates and presents them with the final test. They must look at a suspect's mugshot for just a few seconds and then explain how they would recognize that suspect in a crowd.

The first candidate comes in, the commissioner shows him the photo, and after a moment, he says, "It's easy! The suspect has only one ear and one eye, so he's easy to spot." The commissioner replies, "Are you stupid? That's a side photo! Get out of here right now!"

The second candidate comes in, sees the photo, and after a few seconds says, "It's easy! The suspect has only one ear and one eye, so he's easily distinguishable in a crowd." The commissioner gets angry again and says, "You're an idiot too! Get out of here!"

The third candidate enters, and the commissioner warns him, "Be careful, because the others were really unqualified." He shows the photo to the third candidate, who thinks for a moment and then says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The commissioner is amazed because he doesn't even remember if the suspect actually wore contact lenses, so he goes to check the records. He confirms that it's true, and then he returns to the candidate and says, "Congratulations, you've become a detective! But I have to ask, how did you know that he wore contact lenses?"

The candidate replies, "Well, with only one ear and one eye, it's hard to wear glasses!"
 
An apple pie in the U.S. Virgin Islands is $8. A cherry pie in Jamaica is $6. A peach pie in Barbados is $4.50.

Just thought you'd like to know the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
 
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The bar keep says "you're in here pretty often, do you think you're an alcoholic?" The horse replies "no I don't think I am..." and vanishes out of existence.


The joke involves Descartes' famous quip "I think therefore I am" but to explain that at the beginning of the joke would be putting Descartes before the horse.
 
A man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so went to his priest.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic."

"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."

"But I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed."

"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."

"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question..."

"What is that, my son?"

"Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
 
A burglar broke into a house one night.
He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you.'" Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?", he hissed at the parrot. "Yep!", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'" The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "I'm Moses.." replied the bird. '"Moses?'" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The same kind of people that would name their pit bull Jesus."
 
A phone call to the veterinarian:

"My mother-in-law will be coming to you soon with her old female dog. Unfortunately, it looks like she will have to be put down due to very poor health conditions in recent days. Can you do something that she doesn't suffer, and dies peacefully?"

Veterinarian: "And will the dog find the way back home on its own?"
 
This one made me groan, but I like it.

Back in the 1950s, cowboy star Roy Rogers bought a brand-new pair of expensive cowboy boots. Cowboy boots are notoriously stiff when they're new so Roy spent all morning oiling and working the leather to try to soften them up a bit. He then took them out onto the back porch to dry in the sunlight while he commenced with the rest of his chores around the ranch. Later that afternoon when Roy returned home, he found that a mountain lion had snuck down out of the hills and had mauled and gnawed the ever-living crap out of his new, prized boots. Well Roy was so mad he was fit to spit. He went inside and grabbed his hunting rifle and whistled for his dog Bullet. He and Bullet jumped in the ranch jeep and headed up into the hills to hunt down that no-good puma. Well after tramping around for a bit Bullet picked up the mountain lion's scent and before you knew it Roy had him in his sights. Well, one quick shot later the dead cat was tied across the hood of the Jeep and Roy headed back down to the ranch. When he pulled up in front of the house, his wife, Dale Evans, came outside and exclaimed, "Pardon me Roy? Is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"
 
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night.

The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!
 
Okay...Heard this one on a movie last night. paraphrasing just a tiny bit.

2 guys are walking in the woods and come across a giant bear.
One guy gets on his knees to pray.
2nd guy kneels down to tie his boots.
1st guy says to the 2nd...why aren't you praying? You can't hope to outrun the bear!!

2nd guy says..."I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!"
 
There was an agent overseas and happened to be in Ireland. And there was an emergency, and it was necessary to contact him immediately. So, they called in another agent, and they said, ``Now, you'll go there. His name is Murphy, and your recognition will be to say, `'Tis a fair day, but it'll be lovelier this evening.'''

So, he went to Ireland, a little town in Ireland, into the pub, elbowed himself up to the bar, ordered a drink, and then said to the bartender, ``How would I get in touch with Murphy?'' And the bartender says, ``Well, if it's Murphy the farmer you want, it's 2 miles down the road, and it's the farm on the left.'' He said, ``If it's Murphy the bootmaker, he's on the second floor of the building across the street. And,'' he says, ``my name is Murphy.''

So, the agent picked up the drink, and he said, ``Well, 'tis a fair day, but it'll be lovelier this evening.''

``Oh,'' the bartender said, ``it's Murphy the spy you want. Well, he's sitting right over there in the corner."
 
The rabbit and the carrot were close friends for decades. One day they are walking along and a speeding car jumps the curb and runs over the carrot. A crowd gathers, an ambulance comes, the carrot is rushed to the hospital where doctors and nurses work on the carrot for many, many hours while the rabbit is pacing back and forth in the waiting area. Finally the doctor comes out. The rabbit rushes to the doctor "Doctor, doctor, how's my friend?" The doctor says "Your friend survived, but he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life."
 

Ask a Question

Ask a question here

Share this page

Back
Top