adjusterjack
Super Moderator
Why are people like crossword puzzles?
Because they end up 6 down and 2 across.
Because they end up 6 down and 2 across.
100 Hilarious Jokes, Because No One Is Too Old to Laugh!
- Thread Starter army judge
- Start date
adjusterjack
Super Moderator
Why was Columbus' explorations economical?
He got 3000 miles to the galleon.
He got 3000 miles to the galleon.
whaaaawaaaaawaaa
adjusterjack
Super Moderator
Why do Norwegians put bar codes on their battleships?
To scandanavian.
To scandanavian.
adjusterjack
Super Moderator
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.
I don't know why.
adjusterjack
Super Moderator
Funny how people jump to conclusions and get upset over it.
This is very funny.
This is very funny.
adjusterjack
Super Moderator
Why does a mushroom get invited to a lot of parties?
Because he's a fun guy.
Because he's a fun guy.
Tax Counsel
Well-Known Member
Oooh, that one's an oldie; a classic from decades ago.
adjusterjack
Super Moderator
More oldies:
Why was the inkblot crying?
His father was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner.
What do you get when you breed an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Elefino.
A dog with a bandage on his foot walks into a wild west saloon and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
UnPC alert:
What is the brown stuff between an elephant's toes?
Slow natives.
Learn something new everyday department.
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.
Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.
If at first you don't succeed ... try second base.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' ... I put 'DOCTOR'.
If I am reading this graph correctly ... I'd be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. (Will Rogers)
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
Why was the inkblot crying?
His father was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner.
What do you get when you breed an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Elefino.
A dog with a bandage on his foot walks into a wild west saloon and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
UnPC alert:
What is the brown stuff between an elephant's toes?
Slow natives.
Learn something new everyday department.
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.
Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.
If at first you don't succeed ... try second base.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' ... I put 'DOCTOR'.
If I am reading this graph correctly ... I'd be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. (Will Rogers)
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
adjusterjack
Super Moderator
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer interviewing her asks her a few questions.
What's 2+2? She replied, "4"
What's the square root of 100? She answered, "10"
Good, now who killed Abraham Lincoln? Puzzled she responds, "hmmm, I don't know"
Officer tells her to go home and think about it and come back tomorrow.
The blonde gets home and calls one of her friends, who asked her if she got the job.
She responds excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
Today I was beat up by a busty woman in an elevator. Evidently I was staring at her breasts when she said please press one. I don't remember anything after that.
Steven Spielberg is directing a movie about classical composers.
He casts Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Van Damme, and Seagal.
Stallone: "I'll play Beethoven!"
Van Damme: "I'll be Tchaikovsky!"
Seagal: "I've got Mozart covered.
Schwarzenegger grins: "I'll be Bach."
A guard in a Russian jail goes to the library and sees an old Jewish political prisoner reading a book.
"What are you reading, old man?" asks the guard.
"I'm learning Hebrew," says the old man.
"Why bother?" asks the guard. "You'll never get to Israel. You will die here."
"I'm learning Hebrew so when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham," replies the old man.
"How do you know you're going to heaven? What happens if you go to hell?" asks the guard.
And the old man says, "No problem. I already speak Russian."
The officer interviewing her asks her a few questions.
What's 2+2? She replied, "4"
What's the square root of 100? She answered, "10"
Good, now who killed Abraham Lincoln? Puzzled she responds, "hmmm, I don't know"
Officer tells her to go home and think about it and come back tomorrow.
The blonde gets home and calls one of her friends, who asked her if she got the job.
She responds excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
Today I was beat up by a busty woman in an elevator. Evidently I was staring at her breasts when she said please press one. I don't remember anything after that.
Steven Spielberg is directing a movie about classical composers.
He casts Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Van Damme, and Seagal.
Stallone: "I'll play Beethoven!"
Van Damme: "I'll be Tchaikovsky!"
Seagal: "I've got Mozart covered.
Schwarzenegger grins: "I'll be Bach."
A guard in a Russian jail goes to the library and sees an old Jewish political prisoner reading a book.
"What are you reading, old man?" asks the guard.
"I'm learning Hebrew," says the old man.
"Why bother?" asks the guard. "You'll never get to Israel. You will die here."
"I'm learning Hebrew so when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham," replies the old man.
"How do you know you're going to heaven? What happens if you go to hell?" asks the guard.
And the old man says, "No problem. I already speak Russian."
adjusterjack
Super Moderator
Today, at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.
Money does not buy happiness, but it's better to cry in a sports car than on a bicycle.
How do you observe charged particles in the air? You just keep an ion them.
What's the difference between a reindeer and a knight in shining armor? One is slaying a dragon and the other is dragging a sleigh.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.
Money does not buy happiness, but it's better to cry in a sports car than on a bicycle.
How do you observe charged particles in the air? You just keep an ion them.
What's the difference between a reindeer and a knight in shining armor? One is slaying a dragon and the other is dragging a sleigh.
army judge
Super Moderator
Thanks for allowing me to remember something from my early army days.
Army Rangers must be airborne qualified, before applying to Ranger school.
My airborne jump school Drill Sargent, SSG Jessie Rainwater regularly uttered a similar phrase 175 to 200 times everyday.
How do I know?
My two compadres and I kept track over a two week period.
adjusterjack
Super Moderator
About the same number of times during basic that my DIs got my name wrong.
adjusterjack
Super Moderator
A woman Goes to buy parrot…the prices are $100 , $200 and $15…she asks why the last one is cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Hey, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "hey, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Hey Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
___________________________________
Three Texans got married.
First one marries a girl from Alabama, he tells here in Texas women are expected to do the dishes and clean house also have a meal on the table for when he gets home. On the first day he seen nothing but on a second he came home to a clean house and a meal on the table.
The second one marries a girl from Kentucky, he also tells her here in Texas women are expected to do the dishes, clean house and also have a meal on the table for when he gets home. He didn't see anything on the first or second day, but on the third he came home to a clean house and a meal on the table.
The third guy marries a girl from the Bronx, he tells her here in Texas women are expected to do the dishes, clean house also have a meal on the table for when he gets home. He didn't see anything the first, second or third day, but on the fourth day he could see a little from his left eye, and his arm was well enough for him to fill the dishwasher and use the broom.
_____________________
Four brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a scientist, and an entertainer.
They all prospered and each one was able to give their elderly mother a special gift.
Some years later, chatting after a Seder dinner, they discussed the gifts that they gave their dear mother.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a $100,000 theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a Mayback S680 with a chauffeur."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took 12 rabbis 20 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks."
"Menachem, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious."
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Hey, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "hey, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Hey Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
___________________________________
Three Texans got married.
First one marries a girl from Alabama, he tells here in Texas women are expected to do the dishes and clean house also have a meal on the table for when he gets home. On the first day he seen nothing but on a second he came home to a clean house and a meal on the table.
The second one marries a girl from Kentucky, he also tells her here in Texas women are expected to do the dishes, clean house and also have a meal on the table for when he gets home. He didn't see anything on the first or second day, but on the third he came home to a clean house and a meal on the table.
The third guy marries a girl from the Bronx, he tells her here in Texas women are expected to do the dishes, clean house also have a meal on the table for when he gets home. He didn't see anything the first, second or third day, but on the fourth day he could see a little from his left eye, and his arm was well enough for him to fill the dishwasher and use the broom.
_____________________
Four brothers left home for college to become a lawyer, a doctor, a scientist, and an entertainer.
They all prospered and each one was able to give their elderly mother a special gift.
Some years later, chatting after a Seder dinner, they discussed the gifts that they gave their dear mother.
The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a $100,000 theater built in the house."
The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a Mayback S680 with a chauffeur."
The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loves reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took 12 rabbis 20 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for 20 years but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks so much."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver is a Nazi. A million thanks."
"Menachem, you give me a theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. Thanks anyway."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious."
adjusterjack
Super Moderator
There's a joke forum on Reddit. I'm picking out good ones to post here.
A father is listening to his young daughter say her bedtime prayers. She says, "God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma… and goodbye, Grandpa"...
The father looks startled. "Why did you say goodbye to Grandpa?" he asks.
"I don't know," she says. "I just felt like saying it."
The next day, Grandpa drops dead.
"Well," the father thinks, "that's a strange coincidence."
A month later, he's listening again as she says her prayers.
"God bless Mommy and Daddy… and goodbye, Grandma."
Sure enough, the next day Grandma passes away.
Now the father knows this is more than coincidence—but he doesn't dare tell his wife. After all, Grandma and Grandpa were her parents.
Months go by.
One night, he listens nervously as his daughter begins her prayers: "God bless Mommy…"
She pauses, turns her head, looks straight at him, and says, "…and goodbye, Daddy."
"What?!" he blurts out. "Are you sure, sweetheart?"
She nods.
The man's heart starts pounding. He breaks out in a sweat and doesn't sleep at all that night.
The next day, he goes to work but locks himself in his office. He cancels all meetings, takes the phone off the hook, and waits for the inevitable.
He stays late—past 5 p.m.—because he feels safer there. The hours crawl by. Finally, midnight arrives.
Still alive.
Relieved but completely exhausted, he drives home, drenched in sweat and shaken to his core.
His wife is waiting for him. "Where the hell were you all day?!" she demands.
"Don't yell," he says. "I've had an absolutely miserable day."
She replies, "You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! The milkman dropped dead on the front steps…"
_____________________________
What do you call a veterinarian for prehistoric creatures?
A dinocologist.
___________________________
What do near sighted gynecologists and puppies have in common?
Wet noses.
A father is listening to his young daughter say her bedtime prayers. She says, "God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma… and goodbye, Grandpa"...
The father looks startled. "Why did you say goodbye to Grandpa?" he asks.
"I don't know," she says. "I just felt like saying it."
The next day, Grandpa drops dead.
"Well," the father thinks, "that's a strange coincidence."
A month later, he's listening again as she says her prayers.
"God bless Mommy and Daddy… and goodbye, Grandma."
Sure enough, the next day Grandma passes away.
Now the father knows this is more than coincidence—but he doesn't dare tell his wife. After all, Grandma and Grandpa were her parents.
Months go by.
One night, he listens nervously as his daughter begins her prayers: "God bless Mommy…"
She pauses, turns her head, looks straight at him, and says, "…and goodbye, Daddy."
"What?!" he blurts out. "Are you sure, sweetheart?"
She nods.
The man's heart starts pounding. He breaks out in a sweat and doesn't sleep at all that night.
The next day, he goes to work but locks himself in his office. He cancels all meetings, takes the phone off the hook, and waits for the inevitable.
He stays late—past 5 p.m.—because he feels safer there. The hours crawl by. Finally, midnight arrives.
Still alive.
Relieved but completely exhausted, he drives home, drenched in sweat and shaken to his core.
His wife is waiting for him. "Where the hell were you all day?!" she demands.
"Don't yell," he says. "I've had an absolutely miserable day."
She replies, "You had a miserable day? I'm the one who had a miserable day! The milkman dropped dead on the front steps…"
_____________________________
What do you call a veterinarian for prehistoric creatures?
A dinocologist.
___________________________
What do near sighted gynecologists and puppies have in common?
Wet noses.
adjusterjack
Super Moderator
An unemployed actor is desperate for work, so he takes a job at the local zoo.
The zoo's star attraction, the gorilla, has died, and they need someone to wear a realistic gorilla suit and pretend to be the animal until they can get a replacement.
The actor gets into the suit and discovers he's actually quite good at it. He swings from vines, beats his chest, and the crowds love him. He gets a bit cocky one day, swings too high on a vine, and accidentally flies over the fence... landing squarely in the middle of the lion's den. Terrified, the actor sees the lion creeping toward him. He starts screaming, "Help! Help! I'm not a gorilla! I'm a man! Get me out of here!"
The lion tackles him, pins him to the ground, covers his mouth with a giant paw, and whispers: "Shut up, you idiot! Or we'll both get fired!"
The zoo's star attraction, the gorilla, has died, and they need someone to wear a realistic gorilla suit and pretend to be the animal until they can get a replacement.
The actor gets into the suit and discovers he's actually quite good at it. He swings from vines, beats his chest, and the crowds love him. He gets a bit cocky one day, swings too high on a vine, and accidentally flies over the fence... landing squarely in the middle of the lion's den. Terrified, the actor sees the lion creeping toward him. He starts screaming, "Help! Help! I'm not a gorilla! I'm a man! Get me out of here!"
The lion tackles him, pins him to the ground, covers his mouth with a giant paw, and whispers: "Shut up, you idiot! Or we'll both get fired!"
adjusterjack
Super Moderator
Once upon a time, there was a special land where the people were called "Trids". The Trids lived happily and peacefully for many years, until an evil giant came among them. This giant was not your normal evil giant. He took extreme pleasure in kicking the Trids whenever he saw them. The Trids tried to talk to him. They sent emissaries to see if they could reason with him, but he just kicked them away!
Finally, the Trids decided to ask a rabbi who lived near by to talk to the giant on their behalf. The rabbi was concerned that the giant would kick him, too, but he agreed to intercede on the Trid's behalf.
With great trepidation, the rabbi approached the giant, steeling himself to be kicked, but to his surprise the giant didn't kick him! "Oh giant," he asked, "why do you kick the poor Trids whenever you see them, but you didn't kick me?"
The giant replied "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
Finally, the Trids decided to ask a rabbi who lived near by to talk to the giant on their behalf. The rabbi was concerned that the giant would kick him, too, but he agreed to intercede on the Trid's behalf.
With great trepidation, the rabbi approached the giant, steeling himself to be kicked, but to his surprise the giant didn't kick him! "Oh giant," he asked, "why do you kick the poor Trids whenever you see them, but you didn't kick me?"
The giant replied "Silly rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
