Son's Father has not been exercising visitation rights

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jordanr

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I currently have a custody agreement that was developed over 3 years ago with my son's father concerning our son. He currently sees our son every 2-4 months. The order allows him one extended weekend a month, holidays and summer time.

Is it possible to prove, if not now but for the future, the extent of which he utilizes his visitation time? Keep a journal, or some other documentation?

How easy is it to modify the court order to reflect the actual amount of time he has proven that he can actually spend seeing his son?

My son is turning 5 next month and wants nothing to do with his Dad. I am very sad and frustrated but feel like there is nothing I can do. I have tried to talk reasonably with his Dad about changing things to a more reasonable schedule for our son, but he was not interested in listening. I want to protect my son from being hurt and disappointed by this instability in the future.

Thank you for reading
 
jordanr said:
I currently have a custody agreement that was developed over 3 years ago with my son's father concerning our son. He currently sees our son every 2-4 months. The order allows him one extended weekend a month, holidays and summer time.

Is it possible to prove, if not now but for the future, the extent of which he utilizes his visitation time? Keep a journal, or some other documentation?

How easy is it to modify the court order to reflect the actual amount of time he has proven that he can actually spend seeing his son?

My son is turning 5 next month and wants nothing to do with his Dad. I am very sad and frustrated but feel like there is nothing I can do. I have tried to talk reasonably with his Dad about changing things to a more reasonable schedule for our son, but he was not interested in listening. I want to protect my son from being hurt and disappointed by this instability in the future.

Thank you for reading
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Can you explain why a 4 year old wants nothing to do with his father?

If the CP is facilitating the relationship and reminding the child of who Dad is, this shouldn't be an issue.

Unless the CP is projecting their own feelings onto the child.
 
I am not sure why? I do not believe I am projecting anything; I certainly make an effort not to. I would assume because a 4 year old has never in his life consistently seen his father may have something to do with it? His father also told him 6 months ago when he was upset that our son did not want to talk to him on the phone that "he is not his father anymore that that he should call him by his first name" and that "he would not be going to visit him anymore." When our son has gone to stay with him there is always someone different watching him at night because his father works during the night. My OPINION is that he does not feel loved or stability when staying with Dad but he does with me, but this is just my biased opinion. Why would he want to go somewhere he does not feel comfortable??

I am not sure what I would benefit from poisoning my son too his own father. I had wonderful parents who are still together and I am sad that I was not able to make better decisions when I was younger so that he could have that too.

Also, I am the one who drives 4 hours one way for my son to visit his dad because dad has been without a vehicle for over a year.

Am I blind to the facts? Your response makes me feel as if I am the villain. I just want to do right by my child with the situation I brought him into.

I do appreciate your input. Thank you.
 
What the poster was looking to see if you played any rolein child's feeling (alienation) which often happens. Its really rare for a child so young to make the statements you say. I could be wrong but I think that is where she was going
 
I would agree with you.

I would also very much like to see my son happy and comfortable going to see his Dad. I would love to have a "break" every now and then and not have to stress about my son being upset at the drop off. I wish I knew why or what to do. I have considered counseling; maybe help him vocalize his feelings to an outside party, but I am not sure I want to make him do that either...???

If I could snap my finger and my son loved his Dad like he loves me I would do it. I do not know how to make him feel better about it, I believe it is, and always has been, outside of my control. I cannot make his Father be a Dad just because I want him too.

I am just confused and frustrated

I hope I have answered your concerns.
 
Your 4 year old doesnt get the choice of counseling or not you make that choice. Personally I think it is in "his" (your child) best interest. Not just to deal with his negative feelings towards Dad, but to help him cope with the Divorce situation
 
Yes, that's where I was going. It is highly unusual for a child to articulate such a thing.

I second the recommendation for counseling, for the same reasons jacksgal mentioned.

To answer your question, it's perfectly legal for your ex to exercise visitation 3-6 times a year. It's perhaps not nice for your son, but your role as a parent is to help him learn coping skills so he can deal with uncomfortable or nasty situations.

Is there a reason why Dad isn't coming around? Would he be open to Skype/webcam visits if he can't physically visit?

That's an unusual schedule to begin with - does Dad live out of State?
 
You know.... Being a disabled vet this post sadden's me. Does this poster think about the THOUSANDS of child of the troops that are gone for YEARS without their children saying the things they have posted?? I know when I was active duty, in the 1/75th I would be gone for 6-8 months at a time. Never once did I face this type of hardship on my children. I could post so much more about this issue....

Be a good parent to this child. Let the child make the choice once they are old enough to understand. Not from what you say...
 
Disabled Vet said:
You know.... Being a disabled vet this post sadden's me. Does this poster think about the THOUSANDS of child of the troops that are gone for YEARS without their children saying the things they have posted?? I know when I was active duty, in the 1/75th I would be gone for 6-8 months at a time. Never once did I face this type of hardship on my children. I could post so much more about this issue....

Be a good parent to this child. Let the child make the choice once they are old enough to understand. Not from what you say...
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My #2 just completed her tour of Afghanistan. She left behind a then-3 year old who turned 4 during the two weeks R&R in February.

Not once did the little one express anything negative other than the usual "I miss my Mommy" sentiments. Because we - her extended family - made damn sure that her Mommy was a constant presence even if she wasn't there physically.

NOW...with that being said, there IS a difference between a parent who is deployed and really doesn't have much choice about visiting, and a parent who simply chooses not to see the child.

It would appear that in OP's situation, it's a case of the latter not the former. However I'm curious as to the visitation schedule to start with. Not that it really makes much difference to OP's question.

And Vet, thank you for your service. x
 
We have tried to web cam with him. My son talks to his older half brother and sister at least a couple times a week. He does not want to talk to his Dad; he will put a blanket over the lap top or just shut it if he sees him. I have tried to talk to my son about why my son feels the way he does. I know that something is wrong with the situation. I am extremely emotionally invested and that affects my opinion but I do not know how many times I can say that it is very important to me that my child knows who is Dad is. Furthermore, I would much prefer him to have a positive opinion of him.
Unfortunately it is difficult to articulate and entire 4+ years in a forum such as this. If you would like I can tell you more about the person his father is to help you better understand why my son may feel the way he does. I do not mind giving all the details. Although, it seems you have already formed your opinion of me and my situation?
The way my son's father views and lives his life is much different the people who make the choice to serve our country. My brother is in the service, he has no children, none the less I have an understanding of what it means.
Thank you each for writing.
 
I appologize I did not answer all of your questions.

I use to call his Dad for the frist couple of years around his visitatition time and he would tell me either he did not have a vehicle to meet me (its a 4 hour drive one way), did not have money for gas/food, or had to work. He also has 2 older children, who do not have the problems my son has. He does not get my son unless the older ones are there, and they do not visit too often either.

My issue is that we have this "visitation agreement" that is just plain not happening. My question is it worth trying to change the legally binding agreement (that if I do not abide by can be held in contempt) to be more realistic to what is actually happening? That is really it. I know I can not make this man see his son more. I wish it were different and better and my son did not feel the way he does about his own father at such a young age.

Yes he lives out of state.
 
If Dad argues over losing any vistation you will likely lose. What court will see is you want to restrict Dad's access to child. No law or court is going to find him in contempt for not exercising hsi parental rights. However the court will find you in contempt for not allowing him his rights as documented in court order. Personally I feel its best if you just leave matters as is. I also feel its strongly advisiable to seek counseling for your child. There is a reason he is behaving as he is towards Dad and it sneeds to be dealt with or you could face serious issues with him later!
 
JordanR,

I am not trying to make you mad.... But you should take this approach with a child at this age.

Your dad loves you very, very much. He is working or traveling for his work and that is the reason he can't be around as much as he would like too. Honestly, Yes I would lie to the kid. Once the child gets older he will understand that his dad is being a dip. I just see to many parents using a child as a pawn. It's the same with talking about his dad in the same room with the child in the room. Point: My sister has somewhat of the same issue going on. She doesn't say anything to her son about his dad being a drunk, criminal etc... her son is 5... but she does bad mouth him to our mother, family while her son is in the next room. One day when at pre-school her son told the teacher that his dad was a drunk. Upon diggin deeper her son had over heard his mother stating this to his grandma.. So... if your son is saying this, acting this way at such an early age..... then this type of behavior is stemming from something other then the child.

Your post about wanting to cut ties with the child and his dad at such an early age is making us lean more towards your feelings not your son's. At your child age you should encourage him to see his dad. And Yes make him go. Unless you can prove that your son is being treated badly. I would take the child to see a specialist in family affairs. Just to make sure there are not underlining issue's out there. Kids most of the time will tell someone outside of the family if there are other issue's going on.

Good luck,
Michael
 
Let me tell you a story. My husband has three kids with his Ex wife they were all under 10 when they split now in teen sand twenties. Their Mother never calls forgets birthdays and Holidays or makes excuse they card, gift etc was lost in the mail (every year!) The three got so tired of her they didnt want to talk to her when she called each week (if then) Mom told my husband that if they didnt want to talk they did not have to. My husband said ok but with conditions. Here were those conditions

. They could not go more than two weeks not talking so if they had not talked to MOm in twoo weeks they did not have the option not to talk third week. They could talk only minutes but they had to talk. (mom lives on other side of country)
. They ha dno option not to talk on any special occasion birthdays, Holidays etc

That was years ago and even though Mom hasnt called in over a month those conditions still apply. He does not permit them to talk ill of her even though she was abusive. He believes its important they have a relationship with Mom even if over the phone only. Now I am 'acting Mom" you can say and raise and treat them as my own but abide by my husbands rules about Mom. He got counseling for oldest who suffered the most at her hands and he is now 21 and doing great and is in the service. We (my husband and I) are very proud of him as he gave us much cause for concern early on. Its our belief if we (my husband mostly) had not taken the actins we did an dmad ethe choices we made he could very well had been a problem child and later adult. Much like Mom's other three kids from previous marriage all three have or are in jail several times. So yes I see vet's point. I also again urge you to get help for this child as the behavior you describe is both abnormal for a child his age and HUGE red flag!
 
I think its the best way to keep the ties and communication open. Its the parents that's keeping the kid "away" from the dad.(whether u admit that or not) be happy that your child loves you but don't make your child feels defunct in any way at all.
 
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