Really got a screwing

[richardcathydad]

My ex had an affair with her divorce lawyer, who spent 6 years draining everything I had, right down to Chapter 7 bankruptcy. That was almost 10 years ago, and I have not had a regular job since. However, my child support has added up to over $225K, a sum I can never pay. The order is in California, I live in Oklahoma, she now lives in Oregon. California won't help, and has no statute of limitations on child support. My driver's license (californian) was suspended, and OK won't issue one. My income for the last 9 years has been less than $5000 / year - haven't filed taxes as a result.

How can I get the child support cancelled, my driver's license back, and how can I get my life back?

 

[seniorjudge]

Unless you pay all the child support you owe, you will not get your license.

 

[richardcathydad]

Although that is the most obvious, simple and dismissive answer, what I really wanted was some actual advice and / or help. The judge who issued all the orders, was a buddy of my ex's boyfriend. There was not one appearance in court where I got, won, received any kind of favorable judgement. Any and every thing she asked for, she got, with her boyfriend / attorney / judge's pal at her side. It was only after I declared chapter 7 that things changed. She dumped him, she moved out of state, I moved out of state, and no one bothered me for a very long time. However, the child support continued to rack up, and no amount of pleading to the court would stop it.

Remember the school bully when you were growing up? After he hit you 2 or 3 times, you quickly learned to avoid him at all costs. That's my take on the entire family law system. I had 2 fully paid off homes in California, now her's. I had a nice stock portfolio, all gone. I had a car, job, "stuff" - not anymore. For the last 9 years, I've done handyman jobs, rented a small room, and just got by.

At 56 years of age, I'm tired of just getting by.

But not wishing to rant on with my obvious distrust of the system, I really would like to get my life back. There must be a way to appeal the current tally, and to get out from under the constant fear that the cops will knock at the door, to get a license again, to once again become a productiive member of society.

So, any real ideas, or should I just go away?

 

[Duranie]

You are only going to get VERY limited advice from a message board.

You need an attorney there is no way around it. If CS was calculated at an income that far exceeded what you make, then you should have appealed it or put in for a decrease a long time ago.

If you are only making 5k a year, then you are very much underemployed and need to make an effort to secure a better job.

The CS arrears will keep piling up until you get it decreased.

You need to do whatever it takes to hire an attorney or even call around to a fathers rights group, or attorney to see if anyone can help you.

The order is out of CA so you probably need a CA attorney.

You cannot get child support cancelled, you MIGHT be able to get some of the arrears lowered but you have waited far too long to do anything about this.

Did you not have an attorney at all when you divorced? If the judge was a buddy of the ex's boyfriend then that is a conflict of interest. You could have also complained to the state bar.

So honestly, since you have waited so long to dispute this, and you have not been gaimfully employed, I do not know if there is much hope for you.

 

[richardcathydad]

You are only going to get VERY limited advice from a message board.

You need an attorney there is no way around it. If CS was calculated at an income that far exceeded what you make, then you should have appealed it or put in for a decrease a long time ago.

If you are only making 5k a year, then you are very much underemployed and need to make an effort to secure a better job.

The CS arrears will keep piling up until you get it decreased.

You need to do whatever it takes to hire an attorney or even call around to a fathers rights group, or attorney to see if anyone can help you.

The order is out of CA so you probably need a CA attorney.

You cannot get child support cancelled, you MIGHT be able to get some of the arrears lowered but you have waited far too long to do anything about this.

Did you not have an attorney at all when you divorced? If the judge was a buddy of the ex's boyfriend then that is a conflict of interest. You could have also complained to the state bar.

So honestly, since you have waited so long to dispute this, and you have not been gaimfully employed, I do not know if there is much hope for you.

--------------------------------
Can't afford an attorney, couldn't afford it when I was getting screwed over. I did complain to the bar - they don't eat their own. He had a friend of his do the actual court appearances as her "lawyer" while he actually wrote all the court actions.

I agree as to getting very limited advice from here. However, as a middle aged white male with a child support problem, I'm as common as dirt, and don't expect to get much in the way of sympathy or assistance.

This isn't the first time I've attempted to put an end to this, but, once California's got you, you are screwed. Especially with the circumstances I've had to deal with. So, there may be not much I can do in the way of hope. Sounds kind of final - no hope. I am attempting to find a free legal service here in Oklahoma with the hope that a judge here might take it on and free me from this stupidity.

 

[Duranie]

OK does not have any jurisdiction over this. Get it? So a judge in OK cannot to squat for you.

You need to proceed with this in CA since they have jurisdiction.

Regardless of your excuses, you have waited far too long to do anything about it.

Did you pay any child support at all during this time, or have you purposly remained unemployed to skirt around your obligations?

 

[richardcathydad]

First, let's get the "deadbeat Dat" attitude out of the way. My ex walked away with everything, I went to Chapter 7 bankruptcy. I paid both alimony and child support right up to the time I went bankrupt. I had 6 jobs in the last 2 years I lived in California, each time I was eased out of my job thanks to being dragged into court at least once every 2 weeks. Sometimes for 2 or 3 days at a time. No employer stands for that for very long, and the court system couldn't care less if I couldn't keep a job as a result, the support just piled up.

I put up with that for 6 years. My ex refused to work because "she had kids" but was quite eager to put them in daycare even though she had no job. Daycare that I had to pay for by the way. Her lawyer boyfriend put her on welfare, while she owned my ranch in Oregon and lounged at poolside at his countryclub. And of course welfare came after me to pay the bill, which I did.

I've shelled out well over 1/2 million dollars to her in support, property, alimony, welfare payments, bills, you name it. All this while she sat on her fat butt refusing to work or do anything to contribute to the support of the children, a policy supported by the courts.

She now has 4 houses and works a "hobby job" in a candy store even though she's a trained accountant.

In 2002, she sold her California properties and disappeared with the kids. I tracked them down after almost 2 years and found them living in Oregon. Her attitude is and has been, too bad, go somewhere and die.

So, if there was any cause for concern about the welfare of my children, I either took care of it or would have. But at some point, the breaking point, I had to get out of there just to maintain my sanity.

BTW, I have not purposely remained unemployed. I am a trained electronics engineer, and there are simply no jobs here in OK that fit my training. 99% of the local jobs are minimum wage, farm related with zero benefits. I have found work as a contract worker for a local internet company, and I work at a fixed rate for them. As they have grown, my income has gone up, and I hope to make that into a living.

My older child, my son, came to live with me when he turned 16 to escape his mother's oppressive attitute towards any male. She was making his life miserable, and he had had enough. He's now 18, and support for him stops, but not for my daughter, who is 15

I have started the process for review in California. They drag their feet, no urgency on their part to help. The sex discrimination against every male is incredible - if I were a woman, they do backflips to help, but since I'm not, well, too bad for me. And I hear that in your posts too.

 

[cbg]

I'm going to pass on to you some advice that a friend of mine learned the hard way.

Unless it specifically says so in the support order, do not assume that support stops for your son once he reaches 18. In my friend's case, state law required that he apply to have it stop. Since he lives in another state and has no access to his kids, he did not realize this and support continued to go into arrears until he heard from a lawyer that he was about to lose his license for the backlog. His oldest son is now 23; his youngest 18 and there are two in between; my friend is medically unable to work and has applied for SSDI. I don't know the amount that is owed but he is applying to have it reduced since he is never going to be able to work again and much of the arrears accrued after his kids were over 18.

This is a question, not an accusation. If there is no work in your field available where you live, why do you not move to somewhere that you COULD get work in your field?

 

[richardcathydad]

Thanks for the advice about support continuing after 18 unless challenged. I didn't know that, and of course it makes sense. California and most other states make money from support, so why should they automatically stop it?

I moved to where I could afford to move, and I -really- needed to extricate myself from that situation. After 6+ years of being hammered repeatedly, losing all the while to what was an obvious bias, being ridiculed by her and her boyfriend both in and out of court, it was time to, well, flee! After the money was gone, she was then embarking on a "get him arrested" program, and my freedom was all that I had left, so I left.

Example: she and her lawyer boyfriend wrote a restraining order to stop me from talking to either of them for any reason - pretty standard stuff which I didn't challenge since I didn't want to talk to them anyway - and in the RO were provisions for me to have unlimited, unrestricted telephone privileges to call my kids, which I did 2 - 4 times a week. My kids were 7 and 4 at the time, unlikely to answer the phone themselves. She usually did, and hung up on me, and if I waited a few minutes, either my son called back or he would answer if I called back. However, lawboy answered the phone once, and I politely asked to talk to my son, at which point he started screaming that I violated the RO, was calling the cops and so on. He did, I got arrested, and 4 months later after a series of rather vicious court appearances, I was found not guilty. During those 4 months, I was dragged into family law court repeatedly because they "were afraid" or "he's stalking us", which I wasn't, but they played it up as loudly as possible all to get my visitation reduced. And they succeeded. And I got the bill for her lawyer to the tune of over $17K. So the math is: Call kids + get arrested + be found innocent = less visitation + 17K more debt. Nice, eh?

Oh, I also tried to go after him for abuse of power from all that, but of course none of the courts, lawyers, bar association would pick it up - again, they don't eat their own.

That was but just one of the pleasant experiences I had to suffer through. Lawboy knows all the tricks, and played them all out on me.

I'm 10 years out of the industry I worked in, well past being able to jump back in, plus my age works against me. I've been working to build a business my friend owns, and work as a contractor on an as-needed basis. Being that this is supposedly a free nation, I should have the right to live and work where I want, and I need to be here, well away from that insanity and bias.