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Not a joke, but funny as hell!

Discussion in 'Lawyer Jokes, Stories' started by justblue, Jul 29, 2020.

  1. justblue

    justblue Law Topic Starter Well-Known Member

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  2. army judge

    army judge Super Moderator

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    Your video made me laugh.

    That qualifies it as a joke.

    Speaking of jokes, here's a couple for you:

    A turtle is crossing the road when he’s attacked by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

    The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight.
    21.

    What did the left eye say to the right eye?
    Between you and me, something smells.

    Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters in the street.
    I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

    Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar
    “Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type in here."

    Why do people tell actors to “break a leg?”
    Because every play has a cast.

    What did the cop say to her belly button?
    You’re under a vest.

    What do you call a pony with a cough?
    A little horse.


    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

    “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

    The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

    There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”


    What’s the different between a cat and a comma?
    A cat has claws at the end of paws; A comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

    A friend once asked me, "What’s the best thing about Switzerland?"
    I replied, "I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus."

    Why did the math textbook visit the guidance counselor?
    It needed help figuring out its problems.

    A woman in labor shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
    “Don’t worry,” said the doctor. “Those are just contractions.”

    A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey ............… and a cola.”
    “Why long big pause?” asks the bartender.
    The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure. I was born with them.”

    Have you heard about the claustrophobic astronaut?
    He just needed a little space.

    Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
    Because they make up everything.

    Where are average things manufactured?
    The satisFACTORY, of course.

    What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
    A nervous wreck.

    How do poets say hello?
    Hey, haven’t we metaphor?

    A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

    “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

    “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

    The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

    The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that stuff!”

    In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

    God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

    With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.

    “That’s true,” says God.

    “So what happened?” she asks.

    God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”


    For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

    After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”


    Every 10 years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”

    Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”

    It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”

    “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”


    I gotta million of 'em, a million I tell ya'.
     
    justblue likes this.
  3. justblue

    justblue Law Topic Starter Well-Known Member

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    I got a Vegas joke...odds are you'll love it.


    Please note I made ^ up.
     
    army judge likes this.
  4. army judge

    army judge Super Moderator

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    My dad used to tell those silly jokes or riddles.

    Whenever I feel a little low, I try to tell them to myself.

    I imagine dad telling those jokes, and I feel better.
     
    justblue likes this.
  5. justblue

    justblue Law Topic Starter Well-Known Member

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    That's really sweet. When I was about 10 I told a joke to my Dad....I didn't really understand the joke (I had heard some older kid tell it to her friends and they cracked up so though my Dad would enjoy it). It was ...a little off color not hugely vulgar, but a bit ....He turned bright red and laughed his butt off.
    A few years later I got the joke.:oops: This is it:

    Please keep in mind that this was 1975 Lynn Mass and ethnic jokes weren't a big deal then.

    Q: What does a Polish Submarine and a used condom have in common?
    A: They are both filled with useless seaman.

    :oops:
     
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  6. mightymoose

    mightymoose Moderator

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    The best laugh I every got out of my niece was from this one...

    Why did Tigger put his head in the toilet?

    He was looking for Pooh!
     
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  7. adjusterjack

    adjusterjack Super Moderator

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    Ah, good, a chance to tell my bad jokes.

    A dog with a bandage on his foot walks into the saloon and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

    There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

    Why does Norway put bar codes on its battleships? So it can Scandanavian.

    What do you get when you breed an elephant with a rhinoceros? Ellifino.

    There are these two high society potatoes, very rich, very snobbish. They have a daughter named Sweet Potato. One day Sweet Potato announces that she wants to marry Walter Cronkite. The parents are shocked. "You can't marry Walter Cronkite. He's just a commentator."

    Two boll weevils grew up on a cotton farm. One of them left the farm and became rich and famous. The other, destined for a life of drudgery, was the lesser of two weevils.
     
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  8. PayrollHRGuy

    PayrollHRGuy Well-Known Member

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    I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.
     
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  9. adjusterjack

    adjusterjack Super Moderator

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  10. oli150194

    oli150194 New Member

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    A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”

    “You are the lawyer.” said the policeman.

    “Exactly, so where’s my present?” replied the lawyer.
     
  11. adjusterjack

    adjusterjack Super Moderator

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    What do you call 100 car dealers at the bottom of the ocean?

    A good start.
     
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