It's a difficult situation, but who has a better chance at physical custody

[vgNneed]

My friend is currently awaiting divorce papers before retaining a lawyer. She is also running herself ragged worrying that her soon to be ex-husband will take their 2 children away from her. I try to be encouraging, but my legal knowledge is very limited. Simply put, her husband was physically and mentally abusive towards her and her son(from another relationship) during their stay overseas and two US locations. Because they were both military, she got out because she didn't want to keep explaining to her superiors about the bruises that appeared on her. Thanks to her mother, the abuse was logged in those three locations. Unfortunately, it did take a toll on her; she has attempted suicide 3or 4 times...(while he was gone and she and the girls lived in shelters-he left her for other women then returned each time). If there is a next time, the doctors said she will lose her son and their 2 daughters.....My first hand knowledge in this is that he takes no interest in his daughters now. He is still in the army, and he lives only 30 minutes and works less than 10 minutes away from his girls. We have taken them to the ER on post on five occassions, called him to tell him, and he doesn't call until 6 or 7 days later--he has the hospital notifying him when and why they visit. He wants custody to give the girls to his mother in another state. He comes on payday (once/month) and gives her $250. That is not a big issue ... she works 40 hrs every wk and still spends at least five hours playing helping with homework sitting down to dinner fixing hair painting nails with them I CALL HER SUPERMOM and although she's struggling they have everything they need except their father. When I watch them every other SAt when she has to work they cry for him. He has my number and knows where I live & where they go to school, yet he doesn't bother to call or stop by. One SAT the girls were supposed to stay overnight with him. After 1 hour he brought them back to me and said he was tired and left..oh how did they cry. In the 7 months that I've known them, He has come to their house 4 times and spent a total of 3 hours with them. My heart began to break when my friend had to take the youngest daughter to the ER b/c she fell at school. She knew she had to get her checked out, but she was afraid to take her b/c he would call her and blast her about it and threaten to take full custody so they can go to his mom...according to my friend his mom is in the same mental state as she is. They take the same medications for depression( zoloft, prozac,& 5 others) She still functions like a fulltime stay at home mom, works 40hrs each week, and is young enough to deal with her extremely active children each with a separate issue of their own...His mom is in her 60's and was released from a mental rest home recently.
Is there a real possibility he can take them from her? I think she's waiting too long to get a lawyer, but I know she's saving up $$ to get one. Should she get one now-will it help? What should she do?

 

[Michael Wechsler]

The most important thing for her to do is get herself together as best as possible. She probably needs consistent counseling and therapy. It must have been a very difficult situation for her.

If she cannot provide for a stable home (and it seems he may not be able to either), then you obviously have a situation involving other people. It doesn't seem so likely that he can take them from her (putting it that way), especially if there are numerous prior complaints of abuse. It's impossible to say what will happen since there are so many factors and one post cannot obviously sum up all the relevant facts. Has the husband contested the divorce? Has there been an arrangement with regard to the children?

 

[vgNneed]

Her husband is the one pushing for the divorce. (Irrelevant-I think he does it to make her depressed even more) He says she will receive papers in the mail, but those papers have yet to arrive. The children live with the mother. He also said she could keep them in her physical custody, as long as it says he is to have full/sole{?} custody on paper...that way if he ever thinks she is unfit to care for three children he will be able to move the girls in with his mom with no legal trouble. My friend's fear is that he will move them out of state whether he can do so or not , and she will have no legal recourse. She ( and the little boy now) goes to therapy on a regular basis. She's working 40hrs per week until she gets laid off in 2wks, but she has been using her paid time off to apply and interview for other jobs. She cooks a complete meal every evening for them, does homework with her son, and spends the rest of the evening and Sundays with the children. You are right about there being a lot of factors which can't be explained in one post, but I want to say,"yes, she is providing a stable environment for the kids"I don't know him and can't say anything about him. But for the one evening(out of the 7 months i've known this family) he let the girls sleepover, she had to send a box of cereal, a gallon of milk, and snacks & juice for them to eat as well as toys which he kept. He took them to McDonalds for dinner.

 

[Michael Wechsler]

Actually, I meant to ask whether the husband was contesting custody. It would seem to me that the first thing she should do is stop worrying as I said before -- I know, easier said than done but she can't let fear destroy her existence. A good deal of being a truly good attorney is to know how to deal with your clients and recognize that they are going through difficult times. Sometimes it means giving your clients practical advice that goes beyond the courtroom. All too often I have experienced clients who lose it -- their fear of losing eats them up and makes them unable to function properly and a case that was a real winner ends up being tenative and possibly a loser because they can't keep it together. I would think that she will not "lose her kids" to her husband. Any compromise would seem to undermine her husband's true desires.

The courts are quite hesitant to separate a mother from her children, especially when she has had them in custody. Add in the abuse factor and the fact that the father's mother has been in care, and I'd say that she should remain positive. I think that she wants to hear that she won't lose them but no one can guarantee anything -- but the chances become much slimmer than they already are of her losing her children if she keeps it together....

 

[vgNneed]

Thank you I've been hoping that my words would inspire her to continue to focus on keeping herself together. Just from our conversations, I gather that a lot of her doubt stem from things he has told her in the past (i.e. "Paul" says I pass out and can't remember what happens ... "Paul" wouldn't let me wear makeup or jewelry,it's for worldly women...We couldn't watch tv.oh I had to have dinner on the table, bathwater ran, and clothes laid out for the next day when he came home. Then I spit shined his boots)
The only thing he has said about custody is that the girls can live with her, but he wants to be the only one legally responsible for them[medical ins, life ins, & financial support] because she may not be able to take care of them in the future b/c she has lost it so many times before that way if he wants them to stay with his mom they can. She stayed home 2 days straight after he said that. She woke up to fix breakfast and take the children to daycare and school, went right back home, and put on the happy mask to pick them up and do evening activities. She tries to maintain in front of the kids .
Last we talked she was bending about sharing custody...afterall she remains in the area where he is stationed eventhough neither he nor she have family here, and he rarley sees their daughters. She said the only reason she stayed and started out here is so he would be able to see them b/c he probably wouldn't visit them in MD..."If he treats them like this before legal documents become involved, how will he treat them after the divorce" I answered I don't know. And I don't. I told her that given their history and actions, it seems like she shouldn't worry like this. But he can tear away her confidence faster in a two minute convo once or twice a monh than it took her to build it up.

 

[Michael Wechsler]

Your friend sounds to me like she might be a woman who may have experienced some abuse, suffering from low self esteem, or other such issue and needs help. From the way you tell it, she mentions HIS name too often and about too many things. She needs professional assistance to regain some more independence from him and esteem in addition to legal assistance. This probably goes beyond your ability to help her. Her attorney should know and will probably pick up on this quickly if he/she has any experience.