JRemington
New Member
- Jurisdiction
- Montana
Hi all,
I understand this forum is not a place for ironclad legal advice, but I'm asking this question as a starting point ahead of scheduling a live meeting with a local attorney. I'd like some perspective on filial responsibility laws, situations in which they might be enforced, and how to avoid incurring the costs of supporting an estranged parent. Your thoughts will help shape my meeting with an attorney by giving me pointers on things to think about, questions to ask, or concerns I should raise, as this is all new territory for me and I am uneducated in legal matters.
First, a small preface for context: I understand both the moral and potential legal obligation of children with means to support their parents in their waning years. Both my wife and I plan to support and care for our parents (her mother and father, and my mother and stepfather) in any way needed as they enter their senior years, including financially if necessary. We see it as the least we can do for those who loved and nurtured us.
However, my situation with my biological father is quite different. He was an abusive parent who caused great distress, emotional, and financial harm to me, my sister, and our mother. Throughout my twenties and early 30s, I've made numerous attempts to look for ways to reconcile and repair the relationship, but after marrying my wife, made the difficult but necessary decision to end the relationship fully and cut him out of our lives. Although he has never been diagnosed, he exhibits traits of narcissistic personality disorder and potentially sociopathic tendencies. I have been in treatment for PTSD and major depressive disorder (all documented in writing by a qualified psychiatrist) stemming from his behaviors toward me.
I have not seen this man in many years, and arguably have not had a meaningful relationship with him since my early twenties. He is financially broke and in somewhat poor health, although still living independently. Should an emergency arise or he be in need of care, what do I need to do to protect myself, my wife, and my family from being obligated to shoulder his expenses? I refuse, under any circumstances, to pay even a dime toward the expenses of somewhat who abused me and whose actions still haunt my life. I live in MT and so does my father.
There are a few factors that concern me, and I am curious to hear informed opinions before I explore legal options. These are:
1.) My father is very poor, living in low-income housing and likely without insurance. This is due largely to his own decisions not to seek steady employment and to spend frivolously. My wife and I are not wealthy, but we earn decent middle-class incomes (combined household income is just over $160k) and have the financial means of supporting his expenses. Could this make us liable for his care?
2.) Although I have not seen my father in person in more than five years, he from to time time emails me. His emails are innocuous and somewhat cordial, and in the interest of "keeping the peace," I usually respond with very brief but cordial notes (i.e., "Thanks for writing. I'm glad you're doing well. Take care." Nothing overly personal.) He has stated in one email that he feels I've "disowned" him, but the emails alone do not otherwise demonstrate any type of animosity between us or desire on my part not to receive contact. Do I need to expressly cut off all contact or request in writing that he not contact me in order to demonstrate legally that I do not have a relationship with this man?
3.) This is the strangest factor and the one most concerning to me: in my early twenties, I was manipulated (in my view) into providing him upward of $40,000 in student loan funds taken out in my name that were used to pay his personal living expenses. I do not believe I have legal standing to contest these loans or sue him for the amount, as they were taken by my consent and willingly given to him (albeit, under duress, but I take full responsibility).
At the time, he verbally promised to pay back these loans in full. To his credit, he has over the past five+ years made payments on a monthly that are sent directly to the loan servicer, not to my personal accounts. In effect, he is "paying off" student loans that I bear responsibility for, albeit in small increments. Could this be used as evidence that I am receiving money from him, or that he is financially "supporting" me? Should I consider asking him to cease repayment? I do not want to trade the temporary, minor benefit of his monthly repayments for the potentially greater burden of having to pay for his care in later life.
4.) As with many domestic or family abuse situations, I have no hard proof that he ever abused me or any other family members. I do have witnesses in the form of my mother and sister who can testify under oath to his behavior. I also have written documentation of my own PTSD due to his behaviors from a qualified physician. What happens if, like most narcissists, he simply says I'm lying? In full disclosure, to this day he strongly believes he is a good father and denies any abuse occurred. He in fact thinks I, my mother, and sister are "crazy" (which is typical gaslighting behavior).
Thanks for any insights you can provide. I know this question (i.e., "how to avoid caring for a parent") is a harsh one, but I hope the context I've shared makes clear my intent and why I feel the need to go in this direction.
I understand this forum is not a place for ironclad legal advice, but I'm asking this question as a starting point ahead of scheduling a live meeting with a local attorney. I'd like some perspective on filial responsibility laws, situations in which they might be enforced, and how to avoid incurring the costs of supporting an estranged parent. Your thoughts will help shape my meeting with an attorney by giving me pointers on things to think about, questions to ask, or concerns I should raise, as this is all new territory for me and I am uneducated in legal matters.
First, a small preface for context: I understand both the moral and potential legal obligation of children with means to support their parents in their waning years. Both my wife and I plan to support and care for our parents (her mother and father, and my mother and stepfather) in any way needed as they enter their senior years, including financially if necessary. We see it as the least we can do for those who loved and nurtured us.
However, my situation with my biological father is quite different. He was an abusive parent who caused great distress, emotional, and financial harm to me, my sister, and our mother. Throughout my twenties and early 30s, I've made numerous attempts to look for ways to reconcile and repair the relationship, but after marrying my wife, made the difficult but necessary decision to end the relationship fully and cut him out of our lives. Although he has never been diagnosed, he exhibits traits of narcissistic personality disorder and potentially sociopathic tendencies. I have been in treatment for PTSD and major depressive disorder (all documented in writing by a qualified psychiatrist) stemming from his behaviors toward me.
I have not seen this man in many years, and arguably have not had a meaningful relationship with him since my early twenties. He is financially broke and in somewhat poor health, although still living independently. Should an emergency arise or he be in need of care, what do I need to do to protect myself, my wife, and my family from being obligated to shoulder his expenses? I refuse, under any circumstances, to pay even a dime toward the expenses of somewhat who abused me and whose actions still haunt my life. I live in MT and so does my father.
There are a few factors that concern me, and I am curious to hear informed opinions before I explore legal options. These are:
1.) My father is very poor, living in low-income housing and likely without insurance. This is due largely to his own decisions not to seek steady employment and to spend frivolously. My wife and I are not wealthy, but we earn decent middle-class incomes (combined household income is just over $160k) and have the financial means of supporting his expenses. Could this make us liable for his care?
2.) Although I have not seen my father in person in more than five years, he from to time time emails me. His emails are innocuous and somewhat cordial, and in the interest of "keeping the peace," I usually respond with very brief but cordial notes (i.e., "Thanks for writing. I'm glad you're doing well. Take care." Nothing overly personal.) He has stated in one email that he feels I've "disowned" him, but the emails alone do not otherwise demonstrate any type of animosity between us or desire on my part not to receive contact. Do I need to expressly cut off all contact or request in writing that he not contact me in order to demonstrate legally that I do not have a relationship with this man?
3.) This is the strangest factor and the one most concerning to me: in my early twenties, I was manipulated (in my view) into providing him upward of $40,000 in student loan funds taken out in my name that were used to pay his personal living expenses. I do not believe I have legal standing to contest these loans or sue him for the amount, as they were taken by my consent and willingly given to him (albeit, under duress, but I take full responsibility).
At the time, he verbally promised to pay back these loans in full. To his credit, he has over the past five+ years made payments on a monthly that are sent directly to the loan servicer, not to my personal accounts. In effect, he is "paying off" student loans that I bear responsibility for, albeit in small increments. Could this be used as evidence that I am receiving money from him, or that he is financially "supporting" me? Should I consider asking him to cease repayment? I do not want to trade the temporary, minor benefit of his monthly repayments for the potentially greater burden of having to pay for his care in later life.
4.) As with many domestic or family abuse situations, I have no hard proof that he ever abused me or any other family members. I do have witnesses in the form of my mother and sister who can testify under oath to his behavior. I also have written documentation of my own PTSD due to his behaviors from a qualified physician. What happens if, like most narcissists, he simply says I'm lying? In full disclosure, to this day he strongly believes he is a good father and denies any abuse occurred. He in fact thinks I, my mother, and sister are "crazy" (which is typical gaslighting behavior).
Thanks for any insights you can provide. I know this question (i.e., "how to avoid caring for a parent") is a harsh one, but I hope the context I've shared makes clear my intent and why I feel the need to go in this direction.