Custody in German-American Divorce

[I_Need_Help]

I'm an American woman wishing to divorce my german husband. We've been married six years and have a five-year-old child. We were married in the US, but have lived in Germany the duration of our marriage, and it's my understanding that, for this reason, Germany has jurisdiction over our divorce.

Since a 1-year separation is required in Germany before divorce is final, child custody must first be determined. In Germany, child custody almost always goes to the mother. However, I'm American and intend to return to the US, perferrably with my child. I don't work, but have a univerisity degree and a loving support system to return to and live with while I search for employment in the US.

My husband is emotionally abusive toward me. While he is a loving father, I disagree with some of the ways he interacts with our child. I also am distressed by the way he behaves toward me in front of our child. While I do my best to ignore him when he's getting nasty, he tries to provoke me, undermines my parental authority, allows our child to strike me and then calls me an unfit mother when I'm unable to control our child in these circumstances. Our child is beginning to show signs of emotional distress because of our relationship, and I'm concerned for his welfare. My husband maintains that any problems in our marriage and with our child are my doing.

I have heard of the horrors of German-American custody cases, and I'm petrified of taking action for fear of losing our child to this man, and of the kind of person our child will turn out to be if allowed to grow up with a subtly abusive individual (both within the marriage and if my husband wins custody). The things I've described cannot be proven. It comes down to He-Says-She-Says, and I'm afraid a custody battle will amount to nothing more than prolonged mud-slinging in mutual efforts to prove that each of us is an unfit parent, causing terrible stress on our child.

What are the chances that I will receive custody of my child and be allowed to return with him to the US????

 

[jenique]

If divorce papers have not been filed, you may be able to leave the county without notice. If you are not in the process of getting a divorce you may travel with your child. Once papers have been filed you will be very limited on your traveling abilities. File for custody in the US. You may have to wait until your child has lived in a state 6 months before you file for divorce or custody. During the 6 month waiting period get the child in school and activities if they are old enough. Check with a local lawyer before you leave the country.

 

[clement]

how is this proceeding?

I'm curious to know how this is proceeding, since I am now suddenly in a very similar situation. My husband and I have been married almost nine years, and our son has just turned six. A month ago, my husband announced he was leaving us, and apparently he has a new girlfriend. Although he is not abusive in a physical sense, he has been very depressed for the past couple of years, and his depression has affected both me and our son very deeply. We moved to another German city with him this past year, as he promised a move would motivate him to improve, but unfortunately, his "improvement" has led to him finding another woman and moving out of our home. He is satisfied with this arrangement, and wants to share custody of our son, but I would like to return to the US, where I have family and friends who are willing to help us get back on our feet. My professional prospects here are dim, and I have the chance to go back to college to earn a better degree in the US, whereas here my chances of finding regular employment with the degree that I have are very poor. My husband seems to want to keep our son for himself -- saying that I should just go back to the US and leave our son here if I want to improve my economic situation, but I will not go without my son. On the other hand, it causes me a great deal of pain to remain here, knowing that I could be somewhere where there is a supportive family system for both me and my son. He and I are very close, and I have been the person who has provided him with positive support and love, while my husband's depression has driven him to the brink of suicide. Of course, this is another he-says/she-says case, since there is no one to confirm or deny any of our mutual claims.

 

[I_Need_Help]

I was told by one lawyer that if my husband had a woman on the side, then I would be granted an immediate divorce, which is a good thing, but won't happen until custody is decided. But this isn't my situation.

If you were to stay in Germany, then it is almost guaranteed you would get custody of your son. German courts favor the mother except in extreme circumstances. Unfortunately, the fact that you are planning to return to America with him complicates the issue quite a bit. I was recently required to hand over my son's passports, and a stay had already been put on his, unbeknownst to me, in case I tried to leave the country with him before a decision was made. Also, a meeting with the Jugendamt is being scheduled to determine with whom my son will stay during the custody case. Another nervwracking situation.

I don't recommend doing anything rash. I do recommend getting a good family lawyer, and try to speak to several before you make your decision. Many seem willing to give a modicum of insight before they insist you come in for a consultation. Make sure you find one who will fight for your right to full legal custody, thereby granting you the right to bring your child to America, one who knows his area very very well, AND, even one who is aggressive. You might even ask if any consider pro bono cases, if you have no income. Otherwise, money will be a serious issue, and in the end you might have to absorb your husband's court costs because you will be the one to put forth the original petition.

I won't lie to you. It's big, it's scary, and has the potential for much nastiness and will appall you, even if you and your husband remain amicable and don't want to hurt each other. You are each fighting for something very valuable--the rights to your son--and the attorneys will play the game aggressively.

I will say this, my **guess** is that the odds are in your favor if your husband left you and your son to live with another woman, but.the German courts can be very tricky in these issues. Find a good lawyer who knows his or her stuff. Don't be afraid to shop around, and make sure each one you consider can meet your language requirements, and will keep you informed of each step, in detail, as you move along. My attorney keeps in touch with me by e-mail, for the most part, and doesn't mind if I call with a question. She's very patient with me, and listens carefully.

If your child is fluent in English and has a close connection with your American family, those things will weigh in your favor. The court is looking for the interest of the child, and seems to like to rule in favor of the German parent, especially if Germany is where the child was born and raised. But you seem to have a solid case that will work for you. But you must talk to some lawyers first.

It starts out slow, but, in favor of the child involved, it can snowball alarmingly after the initial petition and response. It is possible for it to end quickly, in spite of the horror stories to the contrary.

Good luck. I'm pulling for you.