Abusive Man Manipulates & Abuses Woman

[dsingalopski]

Jurisdiction

Ohio

Good afternoon, friends. I have a woman friend that has been choked, held at gunpoint, manipulated for 20 years, had the dog crap beat out of her, etc. He hasn't worked in 11 years. She does it all. They have 3 sons. She was going to have a male friend fix some issues on her car and her boyfriend of 20 years says "You gonna sleep with him as payment?" I don't have to tell you all. Abuse is everywhere. If you're an abused woman reading this, you can already see she's living with him in a situation where he could snap. He's a felon in possession of 5 guns in their bedroom. He had a friend buy him guns so the friends freedom will also be put in question. This guy is a womans nightmare. Hes broken her down over the years. She will make excuses for him at times. She wants him gone. The mortgage is in her name only. I want to know, for her safety sake, what and how to handle this situation legally to get him out for good! My father abused me all my life to this day. I'm almost 40. I take her situation more than seriously. She just needs to know what to do. Please, help & thank you.

 

[cbg]

May I ask how you know this woman? I am not questioning what you are saying, but knowing your relationship might affect the options.

 

[zddoodah]

She just needs to know what to do.

I have a hard time believing all of the following are not patently obvious:

1. Call the police (note that, if this guy is a felon illegally in possession of firearms and you have personal knowledge of that fact, you could call the police yourself).
2. Get a job.
3. Move.
4. Seek a restraining order.

I'm sure there are a couple other things, but those are the things that sprung immediately to mind.

 

[PayrollHRGuy]

She just needs to know what to do.

Leave and after she has done that she can report the felon in possession of firearms.

 

[dsingalopski]

I have a hard time believing all of the following are not patently obvious:

My friend, it sounds like you have no idea what kind of fear abused women have when it comes to leaving. She's called the police. Her fear is what had her basically clear her boyfriends name when he beat her up. It's more complicated than the "obvious."

Cbg, as for my relation to her, I just put in the original post she's a friend. Nothing more whatsoever.

 

[justblue]

I have a hard time believing all of the following are not patently obvious:

My friend, it sounds like you have no idea what kind of fear abused women have when it comes to leaving. She's called the police. Her fear is what had her basically clear her boyfriends name when he beat her up. It's more complicated than the "obvious."

Cbg, as for my relation to her, I just put in the original post she's a friend. Nothing more whatsoever.

If your friend can't/won't help herself there is really nothing you can do other than reporting the illegal guns to the police. You could also report the situation to CPS if the children are minors. Exposing children to violence is abuse and your friend is abusing her children by staying with this guy.

 

[adjusterjack]

I want to know, for her safety sake, what and how to handle this situation legally to get him out for good!

You already know all the things that she should do:

Police
Restraining Order
Take her children and leave.

My friend, it sounds like you have no idea what kind of fear abused women have when it comes to leaving. She's called the police. Her fear is what had her basically clear her boyfriends name when he beat her up. It's more complicated than the "obvious."

It's called Battered Woman Syndrome and we all know what it is and what it does to the battered woman. Unfortunately, there is nothing anybody can do or say for her until she takes her children by the hands, walks out the door, and seeks help from an agency like:

ACTION OHIO Coalition For Battered Women

Unless she's able to do that, he will probably kill her, if she doesn't kill him first.

 

[zddoodah]

I have a hard time believing all of the following are not patently obvious:

My friend, it sounds like you have no idea what kind of fear abused women have when it comes to leaving. She's called the police. Her fear is what had her basically clear her boyfriends name when he beat her up. It's more complicated than the "obvious."

I am aware of all of the psychological issues relating to situations like you describe. Regardless, the things I mentioned are obvious. If you were looking for suggestions beyond the obvious, you should have said so.

 

[cbg]

I understand that she is a friend.

Is she someone you have known a long time? Is she a neighbor? A member of your church? Someone you knew in high school or college? Someone you met online?

 

[leslie82]

Good afternoon, friends. I have a woman friend that has been choked, held at gunpoint, manipulated for 20 years, had the dog crap beat out of her, etc. He hasn't worked in 11 years. She does it all. They have 3 sons. She was going to have a male friend fix some issues on her car and her boyfriend of 20 years says "You gonna sleep with him as payment?" I don't have to tell you all. Abuse is everywhere. If you're an abused woman reading this, you can already see she's living with him in a situation where he could snap. He's a felon in possession of 5 guns in their bedroom. He had a friend buy him guns so the friends freedom will also be put in question. This guy is a womans nightmare. Hes broken her down over the years. She will make excuses for him at times. She wants him gone. The mortgage is in her name only. I want to know, for her safety sake, what and how to handle this situation legally to get him out for good! My father abused me all my life to this day. I'm almost 40. I take her situation more than seriously. She just needs to know what to do. Please, help & thank you.

What relationship do you have with this woman?

Has she reported any of this abuse?

Has she tried to formulate a plan to leave the abuse?

Are they married or unmarried? If unmarried, is there a custody order in place for the children? Has he established paternity if there's no order?

As a domestic violence survivor, she needs to formulate a plan to leave. The only thing you can really do is assist her when she is ready to leave. Other than that, you legally can't do anything. If you witness him abusing her, you can report it. If you witness abuse to the children, you can report it. But if she's not willing to or ready to leave, you can't make her.

Also those who leave DV, that is the most dangerous time for them as well.

What you can do is look up DV resources in your area, discreetly give them to her and encourage her to use them.

That's about all you can do.

 

[leslie82]

I have a hard time believing all of the following are not patently obvious:

1. Call the police (note that, if this guy is a felon illegally in possession of firearms and you have personal knowledge of that fact, you could call the police yourself).
2. Get a job.
3. Move.
4. Seek a restraining order.

I'm sure there are a couple other things, but those are the things that sprung immediately to mind.

1. The OP can report this yes.
2. The OP isn't the victim. Nor the abuser. He's a third party, appears to be a friend.
3. The victim moving isn't that simple. Leaving abuse is the most dangerous time for victims. That's generally when a victim is murdered is when he or she is trying to leave the abuse. It's really not that simple.
4. Protection orders only work if both parties follow the order.

 

[leslie82]

You already know all the things that she should do:

Police
Restraining Order
Take her children and leave.



It's called Battered Woman Syndrome and we all know what it is and what it does to the battered woman. Unfortunately, there is nothing anybody can do or say for her until she takes her children by the hands, walks out the door, and seeks help from an agency like:

ACTION OHIO Coalition For Battered Women

Unless she's able to do that, he will probably kill her, if she doesn't kill him first.

Leaving is actually the most dangerous time for victims of abuse. That's when they are murdered - sometimes months after they leave.

It also may not be that easy for her to just leave if she has no support in the area. If she has nowhere to go (shelters are NOT always safer options), if they're married. There's a lot that goes into leaving abuse.

 

[leslie82]

I have a hard time believing all of the following are not patently obvious:

My friend, it sounds like you have no idea what kind of fear abused women have when it comes to leaving. She's called the police. Her fear is what had her basically clear her boyfriends name when he beat her up. It's more complicated than the "obvious."

Cbg, as for my relation to her, I just put in the original post she's a friend. Nothing more whatsoever.

See my initial reply. Ultimately, legally you can't do much other than report any abuse you see or report him for having guns if he isn't legally allowed to have them.

If you are a support system for her, look up resources in the area and help her formulate a plan to leave.

What do you mean by this: "Her fear is what had her basically clear her boyfriends name when he beat her up."

I know it's hard to leave. It was hard for me to leave- and I had the money, the car, the home. He did nothing and contributed nothing. I even took him back a couple times after because I believed him about getting sober and changing, etc. I finally woke up though. But it was hard. So yes it will be hard for her - but ultimately SHE has to make the choice. She has to take the steps. You can be there for support. That's about it.