adjusterjack
Super Moderator
Why are people like crossword puzzles?
Because they end up 6 down and 2 across.
Because they end up 6 down and 2 across.
100 Hilarious Jokes, Because No One Is Too Old to Laugh!
- Thread Starter army judge
- Start date
adjusterjack
Super Moderator
Why was Columbus' explorations economical?
He got 3000 miles to the galleon.
He got 3000 miles to the galleon.
whaaaawaaaaawaaa
adjusterjack
Super Moderator
Why do Norwegians put bar codes on their battleships?
To scandanavian.
To scandanavian.
adjusterjack
Super Moderator
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know why.
I don't know why.
adjusterjack
Super Moderator
Funny how people jump to conclusions and get upset over it.
This is very funny.
This is very funny.
adjusterjack
Super Moderator
Why does a mushroom get invited to a lot of parties?
Because he's a fun guy.
Because he's a fun guy.
Tax Counsel
Well-Known Member
Oooh, that one's an oldie; a classic from decades ago.
adjusterjack
Super Moderator
More oldies:
Why was the inkblot crying?
His father was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner.
What do you get when you breed an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Elefino.
A dog with a bandage on his foot walks into a wild west saloon and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
UnPC alert:
What is the brown stuff between an elephant's toes?
Slow natives.
Learn something new everyday department.
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.
Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.
If at first you don't succeed ... try second base.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' ... I put 'DOCTOR'.
If I am reading this graph correctly ... I'd be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. (Will Rogers)
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
Why was the inkblot crying?
His father was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner.
What do you get when you breed an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Elefino.
A dog with a bandage on his foot walks into a wild west saloon and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
UnPC alert:
What is the brown stuff between an elephant's toes?
Slow natives.
Learn something new everyday department.
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Some paraprosdokians not only change the meaning of an early phrase, but they also play on the double meaning of a particular word, creating a form of syllepsis.
Where there's a will ... I want to be in it.
If at first you don't succeed ... try second base.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing ... after they have tried everything else. (Winston Churchill)
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' ... I put 'DOCTOR'.
If I am reading this graph correctly ... I'd be very surprised. (Stephen Colbert)
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
I don't belong to an organized political party. I'm a Democrat. (Will Rogers)
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. (Groucho Marx)
adjusterjack
Super Moderator
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer interviewing her asks her a few questions.
What's 2+2? She replied, "4"
What's the square root of 100? She answered, "10"
Good, now who killed Abraham Lincoln? Puzzled she responds, "hmmm, I don't know"
Officer tells her to go home and think about it and come back tomorrow.
The blonde gets home and calls one of her friends, who asked her if she got the job.
She responds excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
Today I was beat up by a busty woman in an elevator. Evidently I was staring at her breasts when she said please press one. I don't remember anything after that.
Steven Spielberg is directing a movie about classical composers.
He casts Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Van Damme, and Seagal.
Stallone: "I'll play Beethoven!"
Van Damme: "I'll be Tchaikovsky!"
Seagal: "I've got Mozart covered.
Schwarzenegger grins: "I'll be Bach."
A guard in a Russian jail goes to the library and sees an old Jewish political prisoner reading a book.
"What are you reading, old man?" asks the guard.
"I'm learning Hebrew," says the old man.
"Why bother?" asks the guard. "You'll never get to Israel. You will die here."
"I'm learning Hebrew so when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham," replies the old man.
"How do you know you're going to heaven? What happens if you go to hell?" asks the guard.
And the old man says, "No problem. I already speak Russian."
The officer interviewing her asks her a few questions.
What's 2+2? She replied, "4"
What's the square root of 100? She answered, "10"
Good, now who killed Abraham Lincoln? Puzzled she responds, "hmmm, I don't know"
Officer tells her to go home and think about it and come back tomorrow.
The blonde gets home and calls one of her friends, who asked her if she got the job.
She responds excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"
Today I was beat up by a busty woman in an elevator. Evidently I was staring at her breasts when she said please press one. I don't remember anything after that.
Steven Spielberg is directing a movie about classical composers.
He casts Stallone, Schwarzenegger, Van Damme, and Seagal.
Stallone: "I'll play Beethoven!"
Van Damme: "I'll be Tchaikovsky!"
Seagal: "I've got Mozart covered.
Schwarzenegger grins: "I'll be Bach."
A guard in a Russian jail goes to the library and sees an old Jewish political prisoner reading a book.
"What are you reading, old man?" asks the guard.
"I'm learning Hebrew," says the old man.
"Why bother?" asks the guard. "You'll never get to Israel. You will die here."
"I'm learning Hebrew so when I go to heaven so I can speak with Moses and Abraham," replies the old man.
"How do you know you're going to heaven? What happens if you go to hell?" asks the guard.
And the old man says, "No problem. I already speak Russian."
